Midnight Pals: Anti-Woke Harry Potter (Patreon)

Agent: ok so listen joanneAgent: I have some bad newsJK Rowling: issss ssscotland getting uppity??Rowling: how dare they rebel against the yoke of English rule!!!Rowling: we will cram transss genocide down their tartan-wearing, haggissss guzzling throatsss!!Agent:Agent: it’s actually about your profits Agent: your profits are down 74%Rowling: what doessss that mean for meAgent: for one thing, you’re not going to be able to afford to fumigate your castle this yearRowling: butRowling: I’ve already got diane duane in the ventsss!Rowling: at this rate, I’m gonna get a KA Applegate infessstation

Rowling: how can I ssstop losssing moneyAgent: maybe you wanna cut back on the transphobia thingRowling: noRowling: that isss non negotiable Agent: the transphobia is reallt bad optics joanneRowling: I’m ssssorry, what can I sssay?Rowling: I jussst really like it when they dieRowling: esssspecially the pinkiessssAgent: Rowling: oh great now I sssupposssse you’re gonna sssay that wassss transssphobic

Agent: it’s just really not a good lookAgent: people are already starting to think you eat trans kids or somethingRowling: oh I’ve moved way passst pinkiessssRowling: I’m eating hopperssss now

Rowling: what if we made a NEW harry potter sssseriessssAgent: that could bring in some cash, yesRowling: Max is gonna make it!Agent:Agent: who’s max Agent: do you meanAgent: Max…Agent: … Brooks?Rowling: no noRowling: Max!Agent:Agent: Max Booth III?Rowling: no I mean MaxRowling: look they jusssst rebranded I don’t know why thisss sssso hard for everyone

Rowling: this time, I want full control of the ssseriessssRowling: I think that will really draw people inRowling: they want to know that I’m in charge and making money from itRowling: that’s definitely going to be a ssselling pointAgent: Rowling: alsssso, in my versssion, harry will sssay the 14 words

Rowling: I want graham linehan to play hagridRowling: and I want posie parker to play mcgonigalRowling: can we get leni Riefensssstahl to direct?Rowling: she’s a real girlbossss

Rowling: and I want dave chapelle to play dean ThomasRowling: at leassst until later in the ssseriesss when he might get a romantic interestRowling: then we can replace him with a white guy

Rowling: and I want to hire those 2 kids who murdered brianna gheyAgent:Agent: as actors?Rowling: no no of courssse not!Rowling: as sssspokessspeople for my new harry potter branded anti-woke coffee company