Midnight Pals: Dracula Sovereign of the Damned (Patreon)

Bram Stoker: everyone, i have a storyBarker: oh boy this should be goodStoker: and this time it's differentStoker: i've been secretly taking lessons in how to be hornyStoker: so this story is really going to show you sex-likers a thing or two

Stoker: submitted for the approval of the midnight societyStoker: i call this the tale of draculaStoker: sovereign of the damnedstoker: you'll like this draculaStoker: it's an animeLafcadio Hearn: yes!Hearn: YES!

Stoker: so dracula meets this chickEdward Lee: yeah boiStoker: she starts uh shooting him with a crossbowLee: no no bro not like that!Mary Shelley: ha ha ha yeah!Shelley: do it!!

Stoker: so it starts with this cult of satanistsStoker: they're summoning satan Stoker: to give them woman to him as a brideStoker: but satan doesn't show upStoker: so instead dracula swoops inStoker: and he tricks this woman into marrying him

King: satan doesn't show up?Stoker: rightKing: to his own summoning?Stoker: rightKing: why doesn't he show up?Stoker: i don't know, maybe he was busy that nightBarker: "maybe he was busy" lolStoker: LOOK. that's not the important part

King: so you're saying that satan is just, like, a no showStoker: yesKing: is that how it works? he can do that?King: anton, has that ever happened to youKing: where you go through all the motions and the ritual and thenKing: satan just doesn't show?Anton Lavey: uhhhh

Stoker: so dracula shows upStoker: in his cape and tuxedoStoker: and he's all "it's me, uh, satan!"Barker: and they're not suspicious that he's clearly draculaStoker: satan could wear a cape and tuxedoBarker: yeah yeah he COULDBarker: but we all know he don't

Stoker: so dracula and this woman have a babyStoker: but eventually the guilt of the charade gets to draculaStoker: and he's all "i have to tell you"Stoker: "i'm actually not your beloved satan"Stoker: "i'm just dracula"Stoker: "just a stupid, stupid dracula"

Stoker: anyway, there's also these vampire huntersStoker: they've been spending the last year searching for draculaStoker: just doing nothing else but full time searchingKing: a whole year?Stoker: yeah they're really bad at their job

Stoker: it's a descendant of jonathan harkerStoker: a descendant of abraham van helsingStoker: a descendant of draculaStoker: and a vampire-sniffing dogDean Koontz: dog!Stoker: yeah i knew dean would like that

Stoker: anyway that satanist finds out about the whole thing where dracula tricked themStoker: so he shoots dracula's babyStoker: with a gunKoontz: oh no!Stoker: don't worryStoker: god sends the baby back as a full grown super man to kill draculaKoontz: oh good!Barker: whoa whoa hold on thereBarker: not "oh good"Barker: i have SEVERAL questions