Midnight Pals: Fuck this House (Patreon)

Brian Asman: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the tale of FUCK THIS HOUSEKing: haha oh man! that title! that’s great!King: i’m sold already!Asman: good, cuz it’s kinda all downhill from hereAsman: so this family moves into a new houseAsman: and by the way the son in this family consumed his unborn twin in the wombAsman: just getting that shit right out there on the first pageKing: brian! you can’t do that! you gotta pace yourself!Asman: naw

Asman: listen you think living in a haunted house is bad?Asman: you should try it yourself!Asman: that’s right, I’m giving away a FREE haunted house to one lucky winner!Asman: and it could beAsman: YOU

[showing off a haunted house]Asman: now this house, we like to call it a ghostbuster’s dreamBarker: yeah right man i’ll be the judge of thatPoe: clive let him give his spielAsman: s-so this house comes equipped with hot and cold running chills...

Barker: what’s that smell?Asman: ooo smells like the infernal fires of hell breaking theough the veil huh?Barker: you were just baking charcoal in the oven to give it that welcoming haunted house smell weren’t youAsman:Barker: c’mon man i know all the tricksBarker: i’ve seen HGTV

Asman: i’m sure you’ll find this house to your likingAsman: check this outAsman: walls continue upright, bricks meet neatly, floors are firmAsman: [thumping door] hear that?Asman: doors sensibly shutShirley Jackson: [mumbling excitedly]Mary Shelley: yeah yeah i hear yaMary Shelley: how’s the silence lay here? steadily?Asman: now if you’ll follow me into the master bedroom you’ll find aAsman: oh did you hear that?Poe: hear what?Asman: [knocking on wall] that knocking! oh it must be the ghost!Poe: you just knockedAsman: IT MUST BE THE GHOST!

Barker: gotta be honest here, manBarker: i don’t think this house is really hauntedAsman: no no of course it’s haunted[wind blows through eaves]Barker: is that the wind blowing through the eaves?Asman: oh no no no Asman: of course notAsman: it must be the ghost

Asman: any questions about this haunted house?John Wiswell: is it a friendly haunted house?Asman: no, its the bad kindAsman: next questionKing: how many ghosts are in here?Asman: 999 happy hauntsAsman: but there’s room for one more

Barker: if this house is so haunted, then maybe you wouldn’t mind a visit from the world’s foremost ghost huntersAsman: of course not! i would welcome itArthur Conan Doyle: I’m arthur conan doyleCharles Dickens: and I’m Charles DickensDickens: together we areDickens & Doyle: GHOST CLUB

Dickens: so you say this house is haunted?Asman: uhh yeah totallyDoyle: that’s good enough for me! case closed!Dickens: NOT SO FAST

Dickens: if this house is REALLY hauntedDickens: you wouldn’t have to playDickens: [dramatic reveal sting] THIS record of Walt Disney’s Thrilling Chilling Sounds of the Haunted House on loop!Dickens: and you wouldn’tDickens: [dramatic reveal sting] need G.E. Woods to hide in the closet to make haunted house sounds!Woods: [holding out peeled grapes] these are the ghosts’ eyeballsAsman: Curses! And would have gotten away with itAsman: if it wasn't for you meddling ghost club!Doyle:Doyle: i still think it’s haunted