Midnight Pals: Final Girl (Patreon)

Stephen Graham Jones: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the tale of the girl who’s obsessed with slashersJones: there’s this girl who just constantly talks about slashersBarker: oh that sounds really annoyingJones:Barker: like that sounds SO annoying

Jones: so one day she thinks she might be in the middle of her own slasher movieJones: and she thinks oh shit this rulesJones: people are just gonna get murdered left and rightJones: this fucking rocks

King: so why’s she think she’s in a slasher movie? is there a killer on the loose?Jones: oh it’s cuz this hot virginal girl moves into townKing:King: wait so not because anyone gets murdered?Jones: no just cuz this hot girl moves inJones: i mean that’s usually the first indication that a slasher is around right?King: to be honest, it’s not usually the first thing I’d think ofPoe: yeah that could indicate a lot of different things

Jones: so this hot but very pure girl moves into townKing: and somehow that makes the slasher-obsessed girl think that she’s in a slasher movie come to life?King: but why would tha-Joss Whedon: [shrieking] SHE’S THE FINAL GIRL!!!Whedon: LET ME TELL THE STORY!Whedon: I KNOW ALL THE TROPES!

Jones: see, this girl knows the rules of a slasher movieJones: so she knows how to-Joss Whedon: OH! OH!!!Whedon: OH!!!!!!Whedon: PICK ME!! PICK ME!! I have thoughts on this!!Jones:Jones: noWhedon: b-b-bWhedon: [weakly] b-but the tropesWhedon: [weakly] i-i need the tropes to liveWhedon: [weakly] p-pleaseWhedon: [weakly] the tropesWhedon: [pathetic cough]

Jones: also in the midst of this a whole herd of elk mysteriously diesJones: possibly from overexertion during a pick up basketball gameKing:Poe:Jones: It could happen

Jones: so this girl sees some classmates going to a partyJones: so she puts on her michael myers mask and kind of stalks around in the backgroundJones: as you do

Jones: there’s a summer camp that was once the site of a slasher-type massacre. It was on the other side of the lake, up the road with the gas station, you know, the one  old man McGee ran? He used to sell sodas in cans, not with the pop tops. With the pull tabs. They don’t make those anymore, you can’t even get them. King: so about that massacreJones: this is what we call local color

Jones: so i had to take the ferry over to terra nova. so i tied an onion to my belt, as was the style at the time. we didn’t have white onions on account of the warKoontz: [crying] when are we gonna get to the massacre