Midnight Pals: In the Barn (Patreon)

Harlan Ellison: listen up you chucklefucksEllison: it only happens once in a lifetime that an author emerges fully formed like athena from the forehead of zeusEllison: tonight you are going to hear from such an authorEllison: a bold new truth teller who will put you all to shameEllison: a man namedEllison: piers anthony

Ellison: that's right, piers anthonyEllison: when you hear this story, it's gonna blow your tiny little peanut mindsKing:Poe:Lovecraft:Koontz:Barker:Barker: soPoe: no no clivePoe: just no

Piers Anthony: ok guys you're gonna really love this storyAnthony: just let me top off the tank firstAnthony: [huffing a pair of panties like dennis hopper huffing ether in Blue Velvet]

Anthony: ok so there's this earth where a disease has contaminated all the animalsAnthony: so people gotta turn to human lifestockAgustina Bazterrica: yes yesAnthony: for milkBazterrica:Bazterrica: oh yeah i guess you could do thatBazterrica: do they use human livestock for meat tooAnthony: what? why would you think about thatBazterrica: it just seems the logical extension to the premiseAnthony:Anthony: i guessAnthony: now if there was human lifestock, it would be pretty messed up to have sex with them rightBazterrica: yeah that would surely be a huge tabooAnthony: messed upAnthony: but alsoAnthony: very very interesting

Anthony: so this guy is a milk inspector and his job is to inspect milk production in different dimensionsAnthony: you know, to make sure that nothing unethical is happeningAnthony: cuz we wouldn't want to do business with unethical peopleAnthony: we have really high ethical standards here about that

Anthony: so he goes to the dimension where there's no animalsAnthony: BUTAnthony: everyone's drinking milkAnthony: they LOVE itAnthony: it's like a huge thingAnthony: and this guy is all "wow, how strange"Anthony: "i wonder where all the milk is coming from"Koontz: i know! i know the answer!Anthony: no you don't dean, sit down

Anthony: so everyone loves milkAnthony: and there's all these barns everywhereAnthony: where they produce milkAnthony: but what animal is making the milk? that's the questionAnthony: the answer is manAnthony: the most dangerous milk of all

Anthony: so they got these human livestock womenAnthony: with big milky boobiesAnthony: and the milk inspector is all "gosh, if i go into the barn, i might see a naked girl"Edward Lee: i like this guyLee: highly relatable character

Lee: broLee: bro how big are the titsAnthony: oh they're real bigAnthony: likeAnthony: like big ol' melonsLee:Anthony: something wrong?Lee: no broLee: i meanLee: i mean i guess that's pretty big

Anthony: it makes you think, thoAnthony: is the way we treat animals any better than the way these farmers treat their big mommy milker hucowsBazterrica: do they eat the livestock peopleAnthony: yeah i'm not getting into thatBazterrica: butAnthony: big mommy milker hucows

Anthony: [pantomiming] big mommy milkersEllison: goddamnEllison: you assholes hear all that?Ellison: like the goddamn shakespeare of our time