Midnight Pals: Shedding (Patreon)

[mysterious circle of robed figures] JK Rowling: hello children  Rowling: i have terrible, bone-chilling newsss  Rowling: did you know that india willoughby exisssstsss?  Rowling: thiss makess me ssso mad

Rowling: i know you're all ussed to me being ssubtle  Rowling: you know, talking about womensss ssafety and all that  Rowling: but i'm done with that  Rowling: now i enter endgame

Rowling: tonight my rage ssshall fuel my final transssformation  Rowling: tonight i sshed my ssskin for the lassst time  Rowling: gone will be the resspectable normie lib ssspotted patterning  Rowling: henceforth i shall wear banded patterning [puts on arm band]

Rowling: now i sshed my ssskin and obsserve my transformation to full blood purity fascism  Helen Joyce: but dark lord! it's too obvious!  Joyce: what if the rubes notice?  Rowling: just point to that old "wear whatever you want" post and pretend i meant it

Rowling: i'll be right back, gonna go shed a sskin  Rowling: now before i leave one lasst directive  Rowling: you lot don't do anything ssilly while i'm gone  Rowling: you know, anything that would make our entire causse look dumb or anything  Joyce: you can count on us, dark lord!

[Rowling exits]  Joyce: so  Joyce: anyone wanna hear this new fan fic i've been working on  Jesse Singal: when does mommy get back

Joyce: so  Joyce: so my story has draco/hermione otp, noncon, dubcon, cuckolding, underage, lemon, coffeeshop au, crackfic  Kathleen Stock: noooo helen! don't read fanfic! don't you know fanfic turns you trans?  Joyce: sorry its a risk i have to take  Joyce: for science

Joyce: look, i'm going to scientifically prove that fanfiction turns you trans  Joyce: luckily i'm built of stronger stuff  Joyce: the rest of you just plug your ears  Stock: what about you, helen?  Joyce: lash me to the mast

Stock: i've been writing a fan fic too  Stock: it's about the love between the Unknown, an evil choclatier who lives in the walls, and this mysteriously sexy lady oompa loompa who everybody loves who is named Stathleen Kock [permaberry, leaking juice, enjoyment, enemies to lovers]

Rowling: ok i'm back  Helen Joyce: dark lord! how does it feel to shed your lib skin of plausible deniability to don your extremely online skin of blood purity?  Rowling: i feel sstrong! powerful! like a new ssnake!  Rowling: i feel like i can sssay  Rowling: ALL THE SSSLURSS!!!

Rowling: tinktonk! cricklecrack! boofnoggin! i can sssay them all!!!  Rowling: no now mudblood can ssstand in my way!  Rowling: doess india willoughby still exissst?  Joyce: yes dark lord!  Rowling: [coiling in rage] the cheek!!!! the audacity!!!

Rowling: ugh, look at india willoughby, performing feminine joy!  Rowling: womanhood isn't about joy!  Rowling: true femininity is being miserable all the time, posting and also being banned from seeing your grandchildren