TV Multiverse 99 (Patreon)

Half an hour later, Ethan remembered the side effect of teasing women too long, with both Olivia and Blair faded after chain orgasms, leaving him no plans, and nothing to do.

It was quite early. He could have made a few calls, but he decided against it. “Let’s see what fate will bring,” he muttered instead as he put on a simple t-shirt and jeans combo, and left to wander the streets of New York with a camera in hand.

It had been a while since he traversed New York streets without any objective, just taking photos.

A good choice, as he had to admit, New York streets were alive in a way that made his skin hum, almost as amazing as watching a beautiful woman climax while lying on his chest.

Almost.

He stayed on the streets as night fell. The people in the streets changed, the pictures getting even more fun.

Then, fun found him. Three men, just leaving a bar, laughing and giggling, even though it was undercut with a depressive edge, seemed to be determined to ignore it.

Barney, Marshall, and Ted.

He took a few pictures before he waved at Barney, who did a double-take. “Ethan!” Barney shouted happily. “What are you doing here?”

“Just moved in, actually,” he responded.

“Really?” he said, excited. He wasn’t surprised by Barney’s excitement. For all his cheerfulness, he had a difficult time making connections.

“Yep, these must be Ted and Marshall,” he said. “I have to admit, your descriptions have been spot on. Too bad I still don’t believe your stories. There’s no way you licked the Liberty Bell.”

“We did, actually,” Ted responded.

“Really? And hitting on the girls who were dating NFL linebackers.”

“True as well,” Ted said, exasperated, but it was a fond exasperation.

He turned to Marshall. “And did he really conscript you for an office prank war with some truly disgusting pranks?”

Marshall shook his head. “So many disgusting pranks,” he said, his tone with the same fond amusement.

“You guys look like you’re having fun.”

Barney smiled. “Yes! For the first time since we met, we’re finally all single. It’s a legendary solar eclipse of bachelorhood.”

“Looks fun,” he said.

“Want to join?” Ted offered. “The more crowded we are, the easier it will be to keep Barney in check.”

“Ted,” Barney gasped, offended. “To think you believe you can keep me in check with numbers. Like you never met me.”

Ethan laughed. “He has a point,” he said. “Why not? My evening plans had fallen through, and I can easily take photos while hanging around with you guys.”

“Date canceled?” Marshall asked.

“In a manner of speaking,” he responded. Technically, exhausting his two lovers could be framed as them bailing on him. A lawyer would appreciate stretching the truth.

Just like that, he found himself following the three of them to a bar crawl. Technically, it was supposed to be about seducing women, but he could see Barney was doing that to distract Ted, more interested in making his seduction attempts ridiculous than effective.

It was fun. For a while, they talked about everything and nothing.

“What do you do for work, Ethan?” Marshall asked.

Ethan raised his camera. “I’m more of a jack of all trades, but photography pays the bills,” he said, as it was the easiest explanation considering he had his camera. And, while he had no reason to reveal that he knew Lily and Robin right now, eventually it would be revealed.

Not hiding it would make it easier.

“Really?” Ted asked. “I didn’t know street photography makes money. Prestige, yes, but money?”

“Oh, street photography makes absolutely no money, not unless you can convince a bunch of pretentious millionaires that you’re the flavor of the year. Money comes from fashion photography.”

“Makes sense,” Ted nodded. “It’s like architecture. We want to create skyscrapers, but boring condos in the middle of nowhere pay the bills.”

“Exactly,” Ethan replied, checking Ted’s state. He was listless, but he was still better than expected, which was likely about the relationship dying earlier, which must have helped Ted to process it better, stopping before Ted fully idealized the relationship. Not painless, but less pain.

Especially since, going by the show’s timeline, it must have been before Robin declared her love for him.

Ethan guessed that Ted was still distressed enough without Marshall, but the three of them being single was indeed a fun exception.

Marshall was more relaxed, even though Barney mentioned that Marshall had been dumped by the ‘crazy eyes’ a few days ago. Apparently, finding all his cabinet doors glued after a fight made someone move faster.

Who would have guessed?

The more they drank, the sadder the stories became. “I wonder whether I made a mistake asking for space,” Marshall muttered. “After all, Chloe was amazing.”

Ethan chuckled. “What was amazing, Chloe, or sex with Chloe?” he asked. Marshall blushed. “Look, I’m not going to claim that crazy chicks are not amazing, because they are, but you need to know exactly what you are doing with them,” he teased. “It’s like having pet as a tiger. One wrong move, and you find yourself scratched.”

“Sometimes literally,” Barney added, wincing.

“I’m going to take a wild guess and say the wounds are not in a place you can show without getting kicked out.”

Barney laughed. “No, sir.”

They chatted a bit more. Then, Ted took a deep breath. “I still can’t believe my relationship is gone. She was supposed to be the one.”

“How so?” Ethan asked, using his ‘lack’ of knowledge as an advantage, because Ted needed a bit of a wake-up call. Just like his talk with Barney, it wouldn’t be enough to snap him out, but if it could help him avoid Stella, it would be enough.

For all Ted’s claims about Robin being the one, Ethan had always thought Stella was the one that truly damaged Ted and left him a wreck, so much that he had to relapse back to his ‘love’ with Robin.

Ethan couldn’t say that he misunderstood. Ted might have pushed a bit too fast, but Stella’s timing had been rather spectacular.

He made a note to ruin that relationship if it ever had a chance of starting. Luckily, he could do that in some fun and harmless ways.

“Well, I saw her across the crowded room—“

“And declared love at the first date,” Barney said.

Ethan hummed. “Well, in a way, I can see. I’m assuming that she wanted to get married and settle down like you. Some girls want that, and if two people are in the right place—”

Barney and Marshall interrupted by matching sighs.

Ted shuffled. “Not exactly.”

“Stable career and looking for the next step?” he asked. Ted shook his head. “Child crazy?” Ted shook his head again. “Started dropping hints about an eventual marriage after a few months of dating?”

Ted finished his beer at once. “No, no, no…” he started, repeating the same words nineteen times. He understood what Ted was going for, but he still looked puzzled.

“What?”

Ted sighed. “That was how many times she said no when the waiter accidentally dropped a champagne glass with a ring to our table.”

Ethan paused. “There’s only one thing that will solve your issues,,” he said.

“What?”

Ethan stood up. “Shots,” he said.

Some extra lubrication went a long way to bring them to a better mood.

“No, Barney. I don’t want to go to a strip club.”

“We have to, Ted. You need to reset your boob counter!”

Ethan chuckled. “Strip clubs right after a breakup are too sad, Barney,” he said. “Luckily for you three, I have a better option.”

Barney smiled. “Do tell?”

“How about a nice party filled with models?” he asked. He didn’t have one, but this was New York. Every night, there were dozens of parties filled with models. All he needed was to get an invitation to a decent one. Cute models, and no drugs.

Barney’s eyes brightened as if he had just learned that Christmas came early. Even Ted and Marshall shifted in their seats. After all, the mention of a gaggle of models was the best siren call. “You would do that for us?” Marshall asked. “Why?”

“Why not? You guys are fun,” Ethan said, which was true. He also decided he owed them a bit after putting his nose — and certain other parts — into their relationships.

Though, admittedly, he also wanted to see what would happen when he was invited to MacLaren’s Pub and surprise Lily.

Apparently, even with all couples had broken up, all five were still hanging together almost every day.

As they went, they started talking about Marshall and his objective to save the environment. Marshall was excited and passionate, but also mostly delusional. Being an environmental lawyer would have relatively little impact, and being a judge wasn’t that much of an improvement.

He decided to explain to Marshall that, especially since they were merely tipsy rather than drunk.

“You know it won’t work like that, right?” he said. “It’s a waste of time.”

Marshall paused, shocked. “I can’t believe you said that!” he gasped. “Environment is important. It’s the planet we’re living in!”

Ethan sighed, amused. “I’m not saying the environment is not important, Marshall. I’m saying that you can’t save the world by being an environmental lawyer, at least any more than working as a bank manager to solve the economic crisis.”

“What do you mean? There are many companies ruining companies illegally.”

“Yes, and there are a hundred times as many companies ruining the environment in completely legal ways, the kind that no lawyer or judge could touch.” Marshall gasped. “Look, you either need to follow the nonprofit road aggressively and lead your own organization as an activist, or jump into politics and actually impact the laws. But, either way, find a way to get into a real law firm and get your credentials first. Don’t start as an environmental lawyer.”

Marshall gasped. “You can’t be serious,” he said.

Barney stopped, thoughtfully. “He has a point,” he admitted.

“Either way, you haven’t passed the bar yet. Right?"

“No. I’ll be able to take it in about a year.”

“Good. You don’t have to make an immediate decision,” Ethan said. “Just a friendly advice, think about it. And, if you want to follow the prestige route, I can probably get you an interview or two in a law firm that would just ask you to rent your soul instead of selling it.”

“Really? Like what? There are not many prestigious law firms that don’t make Satan flinch.”

He hummed. “How about Rand, Kaldor & Zane?”

Marshall gasped, freezing. “RKZ? Really? It’s impossible to get an interview from them. They were ridiculously selective.”

“Yep. I have a friend I can call a favor,” he said. Helping Robert Zane demolish Harvey in a high-profile case was worth at least an interview. And, for all his flaky attitude around his career, Marshall was good enough to rise to the state supreme court with a checkered work bouncing between corporate and environment.

“Really? Don’t tell me you’re joking, because I’ll punch you.”

“Not joking, but it’ll only be an interview. You’ll have to bring it down yourself,” he offered.

Marshall still hugged him. “That’s enough. Getting an interview opportunity from RKZ is enough. They are ridiculously selective.”

“Not as much as Pearson Hardman, thought,” he added, curious about Marshall’s reaction.

“Yeah, but those guys don’t hire anyone outside Harvard, so they don’t count,” Marshall waved it off.

They didn’t talk much more about the law firms. Instead, Ted asked a question about photography, the kind that would be dismissed as artificially pretentious by anyone else, but he could see that Ted was genuinely interested.

Ted was just pretentious in his default state.

For a moment, he thought about arranging Dan and Ted to meet, then throw Serena as a grenade to drive both of them crazy, but he decided against it.

Serena’s flighty dream girl routine would have ruined Ted worse than Robin did. At least Robin understood which lines not to cross. Serena was the kind of girl who played jump-rope with the line.

They continued to drink even as they chatted, the topics jumping wildly, from ideal environmental activism patterns to the the exact length where a miniskirt stopped being sexy and became slutty…

The talk was fun enough that they actually stopped halfway to refuel, stuffing their faces with burgers, then followed by stopping by another bar to get some more shots. The walk toward the party turned into a bar crawl, though he carefully kept an eye on their drinks to make sure they stayed in the zone of having fun without getting closer to fading away.

He was warming up to Leonard’s gang in Los Angeles, but if he were being honest, they didn’t get close to being half as fun as the trio. Barney was always ready to do something crazy, and Ted was always ready to follow.

Any other time, Marshall would have been the sensible party, but after a fresh breakup, he seemed to be just as ready to have fun.

It was fun.

It was almost midnight when they reached the underground party with models. For ten minutes, he and Barney played wingmen for Ted and Marshall, but before he could do more, because he had just got a message from Caroline, asking him to help Max if he was available, that she was having a bad night.

“I need to run,” he said.

“Really? The night is just starting,” Barney said.

“True, but I have to visit a friend that’ll stab me if she learned I was in the neighborhood,” he said.

“But, models…” Barney gasped, treating it as a great sacrilege.

“Nope, what awaits me is better than anything I can find here,” he said. “I can play wingman for you before leaving,” he said, pointing at the two models that looked a bit too into each other. Perfect threesome opportunity since they were clearly looking for a little lubricant to help them take that step.

Barney hummed, but then he looked at Ted and Marshall. “I would love to, but someone has to keep an eye on these two idiots,” he said. “We don’t want them doing something stupid.”

“Yeah. I can imagine Ted waking up with a butterfly tattoo if left unattended to impress a girl,” Ethan said.

Barney scoffed. “Even Ted is not that much of a schmuck.”

Ethan chuckled, waved, and left. He didn’t know whether Ted would end up with a tramp stamp, but he knew they would have some kind of disaster. Barney wanted to keep an eye on them, but he was like a hyperactive child tasked with protecting the bag of marshmallows.

It was guaranteed that they would end up in a messy hijinks without him, but as tempting as it was to hang with them, helping Max was more important. For Caroline to ask him to help, it must be important. Caroline was out of town for some kind of supplier convention.

He knew Max would be at the diner tonight despite the late hour. It was admirable. The bakery was thriving; the lawsuit was dead, and even if he pulled a mean trick and stole the shop, she had enough reputation to be hired by someone else.

Yet, Max still pulled shifts at the diner because she wanted to help Han, aware that her unique brand of aggressive sarcasm was critical to keeping the diner going. As the density of hipsters in Williamsburg started to rise, Max’s brand of control was necessary to keep the place going.

As he entered the diner, he could see that it was dealing with one of those hipster disasters. There was food on the floor and the walls; the pattern of it suggesting it was not an accident but a deliberate mess. The kind a trust fund idiot would believe to be art just because they started shopping in thrift shops.

Right now, the diner was empty except for Max, and she was doing her best to clean. However, something was wrong. Max’s movements lacked her usual sharpness, radiating exhaustion in a way he hadn’t seen from her before.

“Wow, what a fascinating artwork,” he called, changing his voice slightly.

“That’s it. This time, there’s no one to stop me from breaking a few noses—“ Max started, only to pause when she saw him. Her anger faded, replaced by a blush. Still, it was better than her earlier despondent aura.

“Hi Max, angry as always,” he teased her even as he walked to her.

“Yep, that’s me,” she said, her tone back to listlessness. She was tense. He could see that she didn’t want to talk, but she felt guilty about ignoring him as well.

So, he said nothing. He kissed her cheek gently, then grabbed a rag, and started cleaning. Her eyes widened, but when she opened her mouth, he pressed his finger gently.

A tiny smile popped into existence for half a second. It didn’t last long, but it was real. Sometimes, that was all that was needed. He could have pushed hard and cleaned the place in ten minutes, but sometimes, the process was more important than the effectiveness.

He followed Max’s pace, and together, they destroyed the vandalism disguised as inept performance art, and after that, he helped her with the other closing tasks, mopping the floor, taking out the trash, and other stuff.

Once they finished, Max pulled a bottle of cheap vodka from her stash, sat on the ground, and started drinking. He sat next to her, and they started sharing it.

“You’re rich. You don’t have to do this kind of thing. Can’t you just call the emergency cleaning crew or something?” she said. He said nothing, just raised an eyebrow. “It’s different with me.”

“How?”

“That’s not really my money. It’s yours,” she said.

“Oh. I must be really good at sneaking into the kitchen every day at six to start preparing the first batch of cupcakes without running to you,” he said.

She blushed. “That’s not the same. I wouldn’t have any if you hadn’t invested.”

“And, the store generated more profit than I had invested already,” he replied. “Not to mention, if I wanted, I could probably sell it for a few million.”

“Really? That much?”

“Yeah, there are some idiots that are trying to turn it into a franchise, thinking that it would make them rich?”

“Any chance it would work?” she said.

“Not even a bit,” he replied. “Cupcakes are too niche to sustain twenty high-profit stores. One or two new branches in cities like Los Angeles and Chicago would be the limit, and even then, it’s not worth ruining the image.”

She hummed, leaning against his chest. “Good. I don’t want to work for a franchise.”

“The word you’re looking for is owning a franchise, as you’re still the minority owner,” he reminded her. That triggered her depressive state once more, but it wasn’t as intense. She grabbed the vodka bottle. He could see that she intended to finish it, so he pulled it off her fingers. “Do you want to tell me what’s wrong?”

“No,” she said, angry, loud, and caustic. He said nothing, but he didn’t give the bottle back to her. “I said no, don’t you understand?” she repeated. She didn’t cry, but it was a close thing. “No,” she repeated.

He hugged her. She hugged back.

“I’m scared that money is changing me, turning me into someone spoiled,” she whispered. “Before, I would have cleaned the place without even registering the annoyance.”

He hugged her tighter. “Max. Spoiled people don’t work for a horrible diner. They focus on making more money or flaunting it, and they throw tantrums when I say their business wouldn’t be turning into a franchise to make tons of easy money.”

She hugged him tighter. “Before, it wouldn’t even have registered. Today, I hated it, and I thought of quitting so many times.”

“But, you didn’t. Instead, you stayed and worked hard. It’s not our money that makes us spoiled, Max. It’s how we react to adversity. And, when facing adversity, you’re still the meanest bitch in town, Max.”

“Shut up!” was her response. She ripped the vodka bottle from his fingers, but this time, he allowed her to grab, as her tone had changed enough.

They didn’t say anything else. Just drank until Max was drunk enough to fall asleep against his chest. Sometimes, all one needed to realize they weren’t alone.

[Achievement complete. Help Max deal with her existential crisis.

Challenge: Hard]

[+10 Charisma

1 Random Gold Skill

1 Random Gold Reward]

He picked the stat and fell asleep.

He woke up to Max’s first alarm. “Did we stay in the diner?” Max muttered, even as she shuffled awake. “God, that’s a new low, even for me.”

“Hey, not the worst place I ever slept in,” he said. “But, close.”

Max laughed. Meanwhile, he turned his attention to another notification, which he had received while sleeping.

[Achievement complete. Prevent Ted from getting a butterfly tramp stamp.

Challenge: Medium]

[+5 Intelligence

1 Random Silver Skill

1 Random Silver Reward]

It was weird, he thought while Max went to visit the bathroom, even as he reached for his phone. Normally, the system didn’t reward him for doing such trivial things. But, that opinion changed when he saw a message from Barney.

A picture of Ted’s lower back … showing a rose, with a dolphin coiling around.

“I see,” he said with a chuckle. Somehow, Ted managed to get a tattoo even more embarrassing than a butterfly.

He was proud of his achievement.