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Tortle Tank Submissions (Patreon)

Published:
2025-03-25 15:59:24
Imported:
2026-06

Content

Hatchlings! The tank is bubbling and we're ready to delight in YOUR homebrew suggestions! Players, DM's... all are invited to submit your homemade, off the menu items, rules tweaks, and any other customizations you play or dream of playing. As always, we'll discuss, and talk about eggs way too much.

Comment with your ideas here on this post. Please keep your pitch tight!

Thank you!

Emily

Comments

Shrish Jawadiwar

I'm partial to magic items that have a limited capacity for casting a particular spell. Like giving a paladin some amulet that can cast Fireball, but only once a day, etc.

Toe

Hello my discerning and glistening Tortles. Have you heard of Leomunds Tiny Hut or Mordenkainen’s Private Sanctum? Then get ready for a new spell, learned from the lost tome of the Emilinomicron: A Secret Place Called Mangia’s. A third level ritual spell with a casting time of 10 minutes, a range of 60ft, and a duration of 1 hour. Compoents: a piece of currency given to you by a parent, a plate of spaghetti or a breadstick, at least one person with whom you wish to commiserate The spell creates a 60ft dimly lit dome with the additional effects: * While inside, any 2s rolled on hit dice to restore hit points, restore the highest number on the hit die instead * While inside, insight checks may be rolled with advantage * Sensors created by divination spells can’t appear inside the protected area or pass through the barrier at its perimeter. * The barrier of the warded area appears to be a brick wall, preventing vision (including darkvision) through it. * Spaghetti If you speak of the nature of Mangia’s or allow to the spell to be copied by one who has not been there, you will be cursed for 1d4 days as if you were under the effects of a bestow curse spell. This spell is available to wizards and bards, and is a domain or pact spell to any cleric, paladins, or warlocks who have sworn fealty and bent the knee to Emily Axford. Happy to iron out details of the deal over a plate of gluten-free carbonara.

Anand Gaitonde

Howdy Tortles, I'm asking for a simple investment of 2 eggs - your fastest and slowest - for this "nat 20 on initiative" gameplay enhancement! While some grumpy Tortles may say that "being highest on initiative is enough!" I say that a DM should add a little extra spice to all natural 20s, but said spice does come at a cost! 😈 While I've tested this in several Pathfinder 2e games, I've adjusted the rules for DnD: When an entity rolls a "nat 20" for initiative, they get an semi "bonus" round before their first round! This semi "bonus" round is just like a regular turn (for said character only), except they only have the option of an action XOR a bonus action. To add an extra cherry on top, any target of the "nat 20" rolling character gains the surprised condition (regardless of immunities) for the bonus / 1st rounds of said character's turns. Last but not least, said character is immune to the surprised condition for the length of the combat. In order to add balance to all things, if an entity rolls a "nat 1" for initiative. Said character has the surprised condition for the first two rounds of combat. After a few dozen Pathfinder 2e sessions, with both "nat 20s" and "nat 1s" - I was surprised as to how well people enjoyed these nice additions and detriments for initiative rolls. While I haven't tried the DnD versions, I believe the translation should be solid. Thank you. Pathfinder 2e Version: - Nat 20: Semi "Bonus" round is restricted to 2 actions. Entities targets are flat-footed for the bonus / 1st rounds of combat. Entity cannot be flat-footed until the start of their 4nd full round. - Nat 1: Entity's first round is limited to 2 actions and will be flat-footed until the end of their 2nd full round.

dancing asteroid

Do you have busy adult friends who want to play D&D but don't have the time or energy to learn the ins and outs of character creation? Introducing the Familiar Friend! Instead of a regular character, your friend gets to choose a stat block for an animal of appropriate strength. The statblock can be adjusted to fit the power level of the party and can of course be reskinned to whatever animal the player wishes. For example, I run a level 3 party where one player is a cat with the slightly nerfed stats of a sabertoothed tiger. They also know Common to facilitate player interaction (Team Rocket Meowth style). With the relative simplicity of a stat block and intuitiveness of being an animal, it's easy for hesitant players to start interacting with the game, in the hope that they will eventually want to play a regular character. My asking price for the Familiar Friend product license is four dry eggs and a controlling stake in the state of Wisconsin

Eric G

Good evening tortles. Have you heard of the classic D&D item the portable hole? Well it's about to be better because I bring forth to you my own homebrew creation, THE CLOAK OF THE PORTABLE HOLE! This legendary cloak is the color of complete darkness. If you throw it on the ground it creates a 15ft deep extra dimensional hole. You can pick up the hole from the sides and turn it back into a fashionable cloak. BUT WAIT THERES MORE! Once attuned, this cloak has 4 charges and regains 2 every night. When you expend 1 charge you can: a) as a bonus action, fall backwards trust fall style into the cloak. It transforms into the portable hole and you land safely at the bottom. Or b) as a reaction, catch incoming missiles like a monk would. This item has already gone through R&D and it's waiting to be sold to the public. I don't like eggs so THIS FANTASTIC CLOAK CAN BE YOURS for the small fairy bargain of giving me a single letter from your first name! Thank you!

Cas Marie

Lady Boterbean’s Bestiary Hello tortles, I have a pitch for a magic item for ya. Tired of your experienced players knowing monster stat blocks, but that knowledge doesn’t make sense in-game? Or, are your new players just not grasping that the fire elemental is resistant to fire damage? Let me introduce Lady Boterbean’s Bestiary. Out of combat, this magical tome has information on any monster your party may face, at the dms discretion of course. Potentially giving your players an edge if they know they are facing a certain monster. Or in combat, a player can take a full turn (action, bonus action, and movement) to look up the creature in the bestiary and learn the monsters damage resistances, immunities, vulnerabilities. Or the monsters highest and lowest stat. For this artifact of lost knowledge I humbly request your most monstrous egg. May your tank water be filtered and your eggs continually moist.

JesterTheCleric

Tortles, I come bearing an addition to the Ceremony spell, to allow for some fun in game birthday celebrations. Ceremony (Birthday Rite) The verbal component to this spell when choosing this rite is singing the Happy Birthday song. When you cast the spell, you conjure a birthday cake, the flavor and look of which is determined by the birthday person. The candles on the cake magically stay lit until blown out by the birthday person, but the cake disappears at the next dawn. When the candles are blown out, the person gets a single luck point that must be spent by the next dawn, or else it disappears. At the DM's discretion, the person may instead make a single wish when blowing out the candles, the extent and effect of which is determined by the DM upon the wish being made. A creature can benefit from this rite only once per year, on their birthday.

Taylor Green

Well met Tortles! When rolling for stats during session 0, instead of everyone rolling their own numbers, each person rolls an ability score (doubling up if you need to), and when you get to 6, putting them into a pool that everyone uses. So if person 1 rolls a 13, person 2 rolls a 15, person 3 rolls a 9, person 4 rolls a 17, person 5 rolls a 13, and person 6 rolls a 16, everyone would use 13, 15, 9, 17, 13, and 16 for their ability scores. It keeps all the characters balanced so it doesn't feel like someone outperforms and everyone has a chance to shine! I don't need any eggs, just a shout out to my brother Coty who showed me this idea :)

MC

Hello tortles! I can't tell you how glad I am to be back in the tank, as it was getting dry out here. I bring before you today the pitch of CYOSC - Choosing Your Own Skill Check. Have you ever been a Barbarian trying to intimidate someone with a negative charisma score? A wizard trying to lift a boulder off his friends with a -1 Strength? Well then I have the pitch for you! As a DM, I often let my players choose which skill they would like to roll to solve certain puzzles or NPC encounters, as long as they can explain an in-character or flavored way to think about the skill. For example, that Barbarian could say he's going to roll athletics to intimidate someone as he flexes his muscles; that wizard could roll Arcana to lift a huge boulder instead of a spell as he describes him reaching out to his extensive magic knowledge to lift the boulder. For the low, low price of 100 tortle eggs or a small percentage of Jake’s soul (as decided by the tortles), l am offering a full 50% ownership of the idea; you can rest assured knowing l've been doing it for years at my game and my players ask for and use it, frequently in our game. Invest now and let your players be awesome at what they're good at!

Grace PM

so excited this is my favourite non-campaign thing!

Thomas M. Pflanz

Tortles, have you ever faced off against a BBEG, facing down the overwhelming might of the final boss? Spellcasters, how does it feel to have your big spell neutralized? Fighters, how does it feel to only be able to offer a conciliatory "well, at least you burned one of their resistances"? DMs, how does it feel to only be able to block your spellcasters, but be open to crit after crit from your melee PCs? Introducing, Legendary Deflections! These work like Legendary Resistances, automatically letting the creature succeed on their saving throw, however they can also be used to turn any hit into a miss! A hit from one particular creature/character can only be blocked one per round (so you can't block ALL of your Paladin's attacks). To compensate for the increased rate of burning the resistances, you adjust an existing creature by increasing its Legendary Resistance total by around two times (3 Resistances = 5 or 6 Deflections, 5 Resistances = 8-10 Deflections). I am asking for three-ish eggs for a 69% stake in my idea. Thank you for your time.

Dave Large

Alright Torts, hang onto your butts. I have for you today “the gear of incredible value ™️”! While wearing any piece of equipment with this moniker, the wearer has advantage on persuasion checks to convince others that it’s suuuuuper fancy and cool. Yes! The gear itself is entirely mundane and common, but that’s for YOU to know and them to never find out. For this once in a lifetime opportunity, I am asking for one egg squared for every day until the end of the fiscal quarter! I await your negotiations.

JC

Hello tortles and Jake who I will not forgive and forget for being the bailiff, I bring to you a simple homebrew rule regarding dice falling on the floor. Has your shaky hand ever let a die slip and fall onto the floor and a tense moment? You look down to see the number knowing it won't matter because you will have to reroll it anyway, and you get a 20. A wasted 20. Well, now it won't be wasted. This simple rule states that any time the d20 falls on the ground you reroll it, unless it is a 20, however, in order to combat the potential abuse, any 1 you roll on the floor also counts. I ask for twenty of your slipperiest eggs and for Jake to go suck an egg.

ASHNRider

Hello tortles, Sam here, I must say yalls shells are GLISTENING today. I come with a question, have you given your players a bit too many magic items? It’s a common occurrence and one I am at fault of making. However gold is often too nebulous, and more magic items are not the answer. But what is? The Potion of the Anima. With this position your players gain either a +2 to a stat or a +1 to 2 Diffirent stats, up to a max of 20 in a stat. This allows players to branch out a bit, maybe get that intelligence from a -1 to a 0. Or that con from +2 to +3. I am asking for a large egg to make a big omelet for me and my cats Ama and Loki. Thanks!

Dargar

Hello Tortles, I'm not looking for any eggs for this, but it's been an equalizer in the campaign I've been running. It comes from the first 5e game that I ever played. I rolled well on my character, getting an 18 and a 16 that made my character substantially more powerful at level 1 than the other 3 members of the party. Nobody else rolled above a 15. This mean that my warlock could hit 20 charisma at level 4, but everyone else in the party was gated behind taking two stat increases and a feat to max out their primary attribute. For your consideration, I present my offer: when rolling a character, whatever your highest roll is becomes an 18 (or 16, if you're more concerned with balance). This allows for some randomness that you don't get from using more balanced methods like point spread. This puts everyone on a more even playing field and lets your PCs take more feats on average than they otherwise would be able to. It does make your PCs more powerful, which means balancing more powerful encounters, but once you've got a handle on how strong they are you don't have to account for that one character who sucks at rolling feeling like they can't contribute as much because they are just naturally worse off than other party members.

Jessica Petra

Greetings oh Tortles that are Vast and Damp. Have you wanted to provide an incentive in a more RP heavy campaign that's not XP or loot? I have a solution, Influence Dice. These are dice you get from helping factions in a campaign. Everyone who is part of a faction starts with a 1d4 in that faction and can gain influence as they do favors for other factions. These dice can be used in social interactions to add to rolls and as they do more for factions their influence die increases to a d6,d8, d10 etc. For a 50% stake I request two eggs and a pallet of those Ninja Turtle Pies from the 90s. Thank you!

Michael Beck

Hello Tortles, I am asking a small investment, merely 10 eggs and you can have 45% of my company selling these magic items! First up Phantom Fists: Upon wearing these gauntlets your arms disappear with your hands extending 10 feet away from your body. You gain 10 feet of reach but suffer -2 to attack rolls as it is hard to be accurate with floating hands. Next I have The Cen-Sword™: The first magical sword of children around the world, this +1 sword allows them to remain innocent and uncorrupted even during the heat of battle. By deploying selective blindness spells this sword blocks out any vulgar or violent imagery in real time. Keep little Timmy by your side while you slaughter your enemies and give him the wholesome and pure childhood you never had. Cen-Sword™ comes with a patented wrist strap to prevent your darling angel dropping the sword and being exposed to the horrors of war. Purchase our companion piece, The Helm of Innocence™, to turn the screams and cries for mercy into giggles and cries for Ice Cream!

Excelsidorks!

Trusted Turtle Tankers, I have a homebrew holdover from 2014 rules. I've continued to allow my players take advantage of it even now when playing a mixed 2014/2024 rule set. I allow players, as a bonus action, to take an attack with a weapon they are proficient with. Nothing entirely game breaking, but it allowed a party of 8 who wanted to "roll more", do so. They play a mix of magic/martial classes, and in the regular event of missed spells/attacks, they have one additional shot at getting a hit on the baddies. Let me know what you think! Love you guys!❤️❤️

HAUNTEDSAGE4K

I’ve been building a homebrew world called Gnarlzura, drawing inspiration from Final Fantasy VII, Final Fantasy X, Treasure Planet, Vampire Hunter D, and cyberpunk dystopias. One of the big mechanics in the world revolves around Riftshards, powerful remnants of an ancient cataclysm that function similarly to Materia—they grant magical or enhanced abilities when slotted into weapons or armor. But there’s a catch: overuse or long-term exposure can lead to mutations. These mutations range from subtle (like glowing veins or slight sensory enhancements) to extreme (extra limbs, crystalline growths, or even a complete loss of humanity). Some characters might embrace the power at the cost of their form, while others fear becoming something unrecognizable. I love the tension this creates—do you chase more strength at the risk of losing yourself, or do you play it safe? The mutations can also have good or bad effects depending on the way a PC uses the abilities gained from the riftshard. What do you guys think about this? Would you lean into the body horror and let mutations spiral out of control, or would you balance it with ways to reverse or mitigate the effects? Also, any fun mutation ideas you’d throw into a setting like this? #NADDPOD

Luke Polito

Shello and good TIDE-ings. Have you ever had a meal so good you felt like you were physically and mentally more powerful? I know I have. Video games have cornered the market on food-based temporary buffs for TOO LONG! Sure we have Hero’s Feast but why stop there? I bring to you today an addition for survival-style campaigns where the food you hunt and prepare for your party can bring unique buffs for a set amount of time. Did you fell an owlbear? Carve yourself a steak and enjoy +1 wisdom and +1 con for the day. Chomp on a dragon tail? You’ve got temporary fire resistance baby. Etc etc. For a resources-matter campaign, I firmly believe this system would add a lot of Flavor to player choices and more reward to what can be a sometimes dry part of the game. And for a small investment of 10 eggs and their associated buffs, this idea can be yours.

Steve Graham

My pitch is an enemy spell or ability meant to use when your party has that energy that makes them conservative with their spell "in case they need it later". It is simple Mana Poisoning. The affected creature will take 1 damage per unused spell slot level above level 1 every round. So, for example, a level 5 wizard has 3 2nd level spell slots and 2 3rd level spell slots, so they would take 12 damage (3x2 + 2x3) each round, unless they start using those slots. It can make for an exciting race to either cure the sickness, or having to 'burn off' the sickness by casting higher-level spells. I'm giving away this idea for free, though you will take damage for any unused eggs at the end of the episode.

el_mathemagician

Greetings Tortles! I bring before you the Crit-Combo system! One of the things I felt was missing from the game of Dungeons and Dragons, was combat synergy amongst the team. In order to have more of a team-attack feeling, I developed the Crit-Combo system. The Crit-Combo System: When you land a critical hit, you will now have the option to start a c-c-c-combo! When you crit on an attack, you can now opt to trigger a combo. As a reaction, the next player in initiative will be able to use their reaction to move up to half their speed and attack the original target. This next attack will be made with advantage. The dc for a crit will also be lowered by 1. If the next player also crits, that will trigger a combo to the next player in initiative as well, lowering the threshold for a critical again by 1. This can continue until the combo reaches the player who originally attacked, then the combo ends. Ex: The barbarian uses his reckless attack and rolls a natural 20! He chooses to trigger a combo, he rolls his damage and then it is the warlock’s turn in the combo since she is next in initiative. The warlock can now crit if she rolls a 19 or a 20. She chooses to not move and rolls to hit with an eldritch blast. She rolls a 19, triggering another combo! The warlock rolls her damage and the combo moves on to the fighter. Since the fighter is a champion, he crits on a 19 or 20 usually, but since there have been two successful combos triggered, the threshold is lowered by 2, meaning the champion fighter can now crit on a 17, 18, 19 or 20! However, the champion fighter only rolls a 15 on the die, ending the combo. He rolls his damage, if he hits, and we go back to the barbarian to finish his turn. I am seeking an investment of your doughiest egg in return for 3.14% of the pi.

Gabagooblin

Hello Tortles! Are you hungry for better culinary encounters in dnd? Bored of basic checks to make a meal? Well prepare to sate your appetite with...Cutthroat Dungeon! Inspired by (but legally distinct from!) Alton Brown's Cutthroat Kitchen, this encounter would pit players against one another in a series of cooking challenges. Here's how it works: Each round, the players are given a dish to cook and each ingredient type is assigned a die value (d8 for produce, d20 for monster components, etc). Players have 1 minute (or 10 rounds) to gather ingredients by completing challenges in the "pantry", like scaling a cliff face to obtain a special spice or defeating an abyssal chicken to make wings. Throughout the round, the DM will introduce auctions that the players can bid on, using the gold allotted to them for the session (25k each). This might include enchanted tap shoes that cast irresistible dance on a player for 1d4 rounds, swapped utensils that lower a player's weapon damage to 1d4, or a trickster blessing that lets you steal an ingredient. At the end of the minute, the players "cook" by rolling dice based on the ingredients they managed to collect and whoever gets the highest score wins the round. However, there is one more auction before the roll that includes sabotages such as rolling their highest ingredient die with disadvantage, or having to yeet their dice into a cup/shot glass and only rolling the ones that make it in. For this exciting encounter that is sure to rake in the ratings, I'm asking for a basket of eggs to use in an ingredient auction and a cut of the royalties for PrismaticWasteland, whose TTRPG Cooking Minigame was the inspiration for the dice values.

KestertheJackal

Hand of Holding: a grizzly severed hand... but its firm grip is surprisingly reassuring. A creature thst holds this hand tightly in their own is immune to the Frightened condition for the duration.

Jack M

Hello Tortles, have you ever wanted to re roll something soooo bad, but had no way to? My new game mechanic “Hey look over there!” Solves this problem. We don’t always have inspiration, but once per session everyone gets a “Hey look over there!” And all other members of the table are forced to look away as you sneakily re roll. Point at a cat, lie about pizza getting here, say there’s a ghost. On the re roll, it is not advantage you mistake the new roll in stride. The DM also gets this ability once per session. For this illustrious idea, I ask for 12 eggs “Hey Look over there!” Ah shit I rolled a 3 this time, I guess only 3 eggs

Mike

Enough chit chat, let’s get to the point. I’m here to pitch a slight change to the instant kill rule. Normally when a single instance of damage brings you to negative your max hp, you instantly die. That’s lame so let’s spice it up a bit. Instead of instant death, you roll all of your death saving throws at once. That way if your level two wizard happens to get crit on by goblin, there is still a chance to survive while keeping that sweet sweet tension. All I want for this idea is to be told good job by at least two of the Tortles…. Please….

Kyle Brutsche

What up my "shelled tortilla friends!" I've never heard of your show or been here before, but do I have a pitch for you? Have you ever been bored when you get reduced to 0 hit points, watching your friends be awesome for an entire 10 minute round just to roll a 7 on your death saving throw and slowly hope that your friends actually decide to heal you? Well here's a solution for you! Instead of being rendered unconscious when you fall to 0 hit points you instead get incapacitated! You speed drops to 0, you can only use one action OR bonus action, and if you use your action for anything other than making a death saving throw you automatically fail. "But Broseph!" I hear you ask incredulously, "Healers would just heal themselves and then be fine!" That they could my "acts or omissions (other than breach of contract) that cause loss or harm," that they could. But here's the second change this would make. Failed death saving throws are just levels of exhaustion, so even if the healer heals themselves there is still consequence! This would increase player agency while dying make falling to 0 more impactful. I'm asking for a single well-polished Tortle egg, one well made vegan torta, or a doodle of a vulture-inspired Aarakocra by anyone on the crew.

PlausiblyPJ

Greetings wise and noble Tortles of the tank! I come before you with a magic item that is surely worthy of your succulent eggs! I PRESENT TO YOU! The Ring of Whiplash! This ring fits tight on the owner's finger, similar to an elastic band. Once attuned to the item, the user has 3 charges the replenish every long rest. They can use a charge to target a creature within 60ft, either willing or unwilling that they can see and have a clear path to, forcing them to make a DC 15 Str saving throw. On a failed save, the caster and the target are propelled as if fired out of a sling shot, skidding across the ground and swapping locations with each other. But buckle up Tortles, this is where it gets fun! Whether the creature is willing or unwilling, the saving throw is still required because on a Nat 1, the target gets yeeted 30ft past the casters original position, falls prone and takes falling damage if hitting a solid structure within that 30ft. Imagine position yourself on a cliff or up against a wall and your enemy Nat1s on the save, taking 30ft of falling damage or being tossed like a rag doll to their doom! Or the panic of seeing your friend tossed 30ft past where you wanted them to be, giving up the strategic position you were setting up! Either way, you get to enjoy the visual of skidding like a stone on water, flipping off the enemy or high fiving a friend as you pass! I am willing to offer FULL RIGHTS to this item for the reasonable price of 50,000 of your finest eggs and a free meal at a little place, called Monjas, thank you!

Michael Beck

If none of those strike your fancy I also have Ring of Karmic Balance: A single charge ring that grants the wearer a nat20 at a time of their choosing, but once used, fate must be balanced so the same player locks away a guaranteed nat 1 at a time of the DMs choosing. As well as Looters Lute: A lute that helps you loot. A magical lute that acts as a dowsing rod when held over treasure leading to magical or especially valuable items. Its highest string will begin to sound as you pass over the treasure and picks up speed the closer you hold it to magical/valuable items.

Luke Polito

Yes this was 100% fueled by my current Monster Hunter Wilds addiction

Fredrik V

Tortles, I won't waste your time. My suggestion is simple. Half-elf. Half-orc, we all know these species (it's 2025, let's not call them races, it's icky) as being Half one thing and half human. Why is human the default? Are they sluttier than other species, maybe. But I suggest a homebred system for making half-species of any combination, by taking the abilities of one species, removing one or two of them and adding an equal amount of abilities from another species, always subject to DM discretion. A half-orc half-aarackocra with Indomitable and a flight speed? Sure! A half-dwarf and half-halfling who is sturdy, lucky and somehow smaller than both? Sure! The sky is the limit, especially for the Aarackorc above. For this idea I simply want 30 halves of eggs, put into a half-salad half omelette, to be enjoyed at twiligt, under a half-moon. P.S. hate the show

Tito

For the consideration of the tank and all tortles within, I bring to you the Best Friend Check. When two people at the table have shown a lot of on and off table chemistry, but aren’t in a position to have their PCs check in before an action or big decision, the Best Friend Check is there to bridge that gap. Each Best Friend rolls a d20, and the closer the roll the better the purported outcome. On something crazy like an exact match, they can do something crazy like tandem turns, or spontaneously share information through a glance. However on a wild miss there is a comical or tragic miscommunication, leading to momentary strife or comedic moments as you accidentally insult your friends new hairdo. When you want to cheat a little, use the Best Friend Check

Ryan Maitland-Ward

Tally-ho, tender tortles! I hereby proffer my completely untested idea for more dynamic downings. If a PC passes a Death Save, they may also roll a Con Save. The DC of the Con Save varies depending on how many failed Death Saves the PC already has. If they have no failed Death Saves then the DC is 10, if they have one then it is 15 and if they have two then it is 20. If they pass the Con Save then the PC is considered conscious and able to act with the following conditions: -they are Prone and cannot attempt anything that they could not do Prone (Ie, climbing or jumping, ultimately DM discretion) -they have a movement speed of 5ft and they can only crawl -They have Disadvantage on Ability Checks, Attack Rolls and Saving Throws (excluding Death Saves) -They may only take an Action or a Bonus Action -They may only attack with weapons that have the Light or Finesse property -They may only cast Cantrips and not levelled Spells -They may use class abilities that do not require any Action All normal rules for being Downed, that are not directly contradicted above, still apply. Enemies still have Advantage on attacks against them and hits will auto-crit.

Amanda M

Hello esteemed tortles! I am here to propose a system my friends and I use very often in our sessions. Oftentimes we will come across an NPC that is completely unimportant and irrelevant, yet due to a twist of fate latch onto them. Sometimes, our DM has no real appearance or backstory for said NPCs. In these instances, we ask for just one roll: a hotness check. This is a d12 roll (yes, the rarely utilized d12), with 12 being smokin’ bangin hotness, and 1 being a scourge on the eyes. For our extremely honed and play tested system I ask for a number of eggs equivalent to $12. Thank you.

Faye Core

To Titilating Tremendous Turtles, i have a special ruleset for GM's called bounded health. I seek one egg for my breakfast on the morrow. In short instead of having a fixed health minion enemies especially utilize boundaries. For a creature with (2d4 + 3) hp they could have anywhere between 5 to 11 hp. This allows some enemies to be felled with single hits whereas others may tank more! If it ever hits their max hp bound they are killed which my players often do. But this simple trick has made combats more engaging and tense!

Toe

this is so cute

StormBreaker

Sheeeells up steamy tortles and the lowly lowly bailif Cake i guess. I bring to you a no-nonsense item for true D&D enthusiasts, a magical item, the Bud-Heavy Spellfridge. I only ask for 1 Bud-Heavy in exchange for 69% of this business and 8.9% of all sales in perpetuity along with all my previously acquired eggs...(please take them even if you decide not to be in and therefore out as I am allergic to them and am swelling up as we speak). So without further ado I present the Bud-Heavy Spellfridge. Have you or a loved one ever needed just one extra spell in a battle or perhaps an icy cold beverage to lift your spirits after the tide has turned against you? Look no further than the Bud-Heavy Spellfridge for all your beverage and spell related needs! As an object interaction *anyone* can open this compact mini-fridge, and you'll never guess what's inside! That's right, it's a spell that *someone* put in there earlier...unfortunately you never know what spell it is exactly until you open the fridge and it is cast automatically! You must then make a spell save DC against the original caster of the spell, but don't worry friend...if you fail instead of casting the spell automatically you simply receive an iced cold Bud-Heavy for your trouble. If you pass the spell DC you can make a Dexterity save to get out of the way or aim the fridge at an unsuspecting NPC or BBEG. What secrets or spells lie in the depths of this compact, lightweight, easy to use fridge? We may never know...but we can all agree that an iced cold Bud-Heavy is welcome in any adventure. I shellfishly await your wet handshake of friendship. P.S. Not Balnor P.P.S. No, really, it isn't I just like Bud-Heavy. P.P.P.S. Please stop reading and remember to open your nearest mini-fridge.

martiniimakes

Hello tortles, I come to you eggless, but with a simple idea. I only request a single egg in exchange, the one you were going to throw out anyway because it was looking a little questionable. Have you ever been in this position, you ask a question to your DM and they need to take a moment to look it up and pause the game. Our table then begins what we call "69ing", in which all players roll percentile dice in hopes of getting that funny funny number. If you happen to get a 69, congrats you get nothing except the awe and respect of your peers for rolling the funniest number possible. it passes the time while the DM can look up whatever they need to and all the players stay, somewhat, engaged! Thank you tortles and again, just one stinky egg for me.

Mike Conroy

Now tell me Tortles, how many times have you played a sorcerer and anguished at just how few spells you can gain over time? With the Spell Thief Funnel, a sorcerer can attempt to learn spells used against them. As a reaction when the sorcerer is affected by a spell (hit by a spell attack, affected by an aoe/status effect spell, etc) they can roll an arcana check with DC of 10 + the spell level to absorb the magic and learn that spell. It does not negate the effect of the spell if they succeed, just gives the player access to that spell. It would have a limited number of uses, determined by the DM when giving it. I ask you for 85,432 eggs for 46% share of the company, with all marketing rights going to Jake no matter what. Thank you Tortles. Note: I gave this item to my Clockwork Soul Warforged Sorcerer so is themed accordingly, but the form of the item can change to be more universal.

Vincent Wood

Tortles, I consider myself something of a gamer, and so when Caldwell rolled out the instant minion system I knew it was my duty to playtest it. It was one of the most fun one shots I have ever played, however I wish to add one further mechanic for the DM - a rollable table of backstabbing secret missions that can then be handed to players to encourage pvp. I included three such missions in our session - that one pc could win a group task individually by backstabbing their colleagues, that a PC could eliminate a rival from a round by getting them to speak ill of the evil overlord who’s affections they were vying for, and that one PC would gain a plus 5 sword and initiate a to-the-death pvp battle if they could make all players unionise and mutiny against taking part in the gameshow altogether. It was a lot of fun, and sowed seeds of chaos to rival the anarchy of your mixed bag mayhem. In exchange for the mechanic I would like a fresh birds egg from Caldwell, who day by day becomes more of a silly little egret.

Chas Pridgen

Hello tortles of both the soft-shelled and hard-shelled varieties. I bring to you today my solution to forgetting to give my players new magical toys to play with: skill-tree weapons. Given to PCs early in your campaign, and probably tied into some lore somehow, these items can grow along with your players, while also giving some breathing room to DMs who sometimes forget the glory and goods that follow the Dungeons and the Dragons. As players play and level up, the DM can take note of their tendencies, and can come up with ways to supplement the way they already play. Then any time a character takes a feat or ability score improvement via leveling up, they also can select a weapon mod from a DM-provided list. Some options can be generic (upping the weapon to +1/2/3), while others can be catered to the player (such as giving your wizard a charge of misty step because they always struggle to escape close-quarter combat). For use of this idea in perpetuity, all I ask from you lovely torts is one egg you might put back at the store because of a small blemish. Stay wet out there.

MyrMonkshood

Shello tortle titans! Come hoglidays season, are you ever struggling to find the perfect gift for the bards in your life? Today I present to you the Bardic Amplifier. On the tables in front of you, you should find this arcano-tech wonder for you to demo along with some complimentary earplugs. When plugged into their instrument, your bard may roll 1d4 everyday to find out how many of their bardic inspiration rolls are super charged to the next level. 1d6 inspo becomes 1d8, and so on. This can be especially exciting for your low level musical friends. All I'm asking for is 200,000 Eggs for a 15% stake in this product and maybe Emily helps my bagpipes playing bard character cut a record deal.

Ruben Bianchi

Tortles, I present to you the best debate settler of all time. The pre fabricated box of Elimination Chamber. Have you ever had a dispute with a corrupt king or an argument with the leader of a bandit camp? Fear no longer for with the pre fabricated box of elimination chamber (PFBEC for short) you can fix those problems! For a one time per long rest you can pop open the PFBEC and the 6 closest creatures to the box will be immediately placed into an Elimination Chamber, with the winner receiving 50gp and a world title opportunity whenever they choose. The box takes 2d6 hours to clean up and reset. I am asking for a commission of 60eggs per use of the PFBEC as well as 15% ownership. Are you ready?

Marcus D'Agostino

Good evening Tortles, My idea for your consideration: the crit shield. unlike regular shields, the crit shield can protect against any crit against you. however, it will not protect you from any non-critical hit. A dangerous gamble? a calculated insurance policy? that’s for the players to decide. I am seeking 3 fried eggs sunny side up. thank you

Dexter OG

Howdy Tenacious Tortles! I come to you today with the Jar of Punishment! Have your players ever said something you don’t like? Continued a bit for far too long? Razzed you for making a mistake while narrating, and then never let that flub go? Never fear, because the Jar of Punishment is here! The concept is astonishingly simple; take an old mason jar, take off the lid, and get a handful of D8’s and set them to the side of the jar in front of your dm screen. Before the session, determine which different bits will induce a penalty, or even, if you’re particularly vicious, which callous curse words you are most offended by. Then, once the circumstances are agreed upon, play as normal. When one of your forgetful players accidentally leaps into a bit deemed profane, simply take a D8 and place it into the jar. Whenever you hit that PC with an attack next, you can choose to add a bit of retributive spice to that strike with a bit of smite, rolling the D8 with the damage, and reminding your player that the joke police have arrived and the punishment might be a TPK. While this idea is simple, it's surely versatile, ready to be taken into any number of different places with an intelligent DM at the wheel. What punishments can you come up with? All I'm asking for this wonderful homebrew is 20 of your most well-behaved eggs. Thank you, The Totally Tubular Tenebrious Tortles, for the Tortletunity.

Wank Ferret

Dear Tortals, i have often felt caged by the skill systems given to us in various ttrpgs and their inherent ties to a specific ability. I say disconnect them all!! Want to convince a group of pedestrians to help you evade detection? Roll charisma with your stealth proficiency. Juggle pianos to make a few gold? Strength with performance. Open up roleplaying possibilities for both players and DMs alike by setting your skills free!!! I’ll accept a personally picked and prepared pair of poached eggs from each of you for 20% of my pitch. Thank you and love you all

Tony Cappellino

Tortles Aldwell, Ake, Mily and Rian are gonna LOVE this

Scrumbly Bumkis

(Un)Lucky Debt. A magic item (I used a coin) that is later found to be cursed gives you advantage on any roll the player/players decide. The item can be used any number of times. The catch? For everytime they use it the DM has the ability the ability to force a player to roll with disadvantage. Once the dm decides to activate the curse the player cannot use the item to negate the DMs disadvantage. I find it's a fun item to use in a higher stakes game to give players an extra push if they're desperate and brutal if they're to free willing with its uses. All I humbly ask is for 1 egg and 17 american dollars.

Greg Lohman (tsarducci)

Tortles! Haver you ever been stuck bored at 0HP, unable to do anything but an unsatisfying death save? Struck by the absurdity of the PC bounce, going to 0, being brought back up and being totally fine, repeat? Today I’d like to offer you the perfect solution (which I hatched for my Curse of Strahd campaign): the Wounded condition. With this house rule, being brought to 0HP represents that moment when shit gets real and the hero gets that first serious wound - but, rather than laying down to take a nap, this is the time heroes should fight all the harder! Like Boromir defending Merry and Pippin or Inigo Montoya fighting on after being run through by the six fingered man, a true hero would fight all the harder while their life is slipping away. When you fall to 0HP, you do not fall unconscious, but you instead gain the Wounded condition. While wounded, your HP maximum is halved, you make a death save when starting your turn at 0HP and whenever you take damage. Each failed death save gives you one level of (5.5e) Exhaustion. Importantly, being healed above 0HP does not remove the wounded condition, it only stops the start of turn death saves. So you are at increased risk of death, upping the stakes, but don’t lose your action economy being to forced to narrate how you are quietly bleeding out on your turn while your friends have all the fun. I offer the turtles a 40% stake in the Wounded condition in exchange for 35 eggs that have been stabbed so they are slowly leaking yolk everywhere. P.S.: additional information/clarification: halving your HP max is intended to interact with the instant death rule if you take enough damage in one attack to bring you to negative your max HP. Things that stabilize a dying creature now heal a creature at 0HP by 1HP. Restoration can clear Wounded or 1 level of exhaustion, and Greater Resto clears wounded and all levels of exhaustion. A long rest clears one level of exhaustion, a long rest when you have no exhaustion clears wounded instead.

Tony

Hey there Tortles. I have never played D&D. So, I am giving you the full rights of my idea for just 1 of your eggs. Have you ever been in the heat of battle and realized you've run out of all of your higher level spell slots? It's a terrible feeling that I'm sure we have all experienced. We'll, with my idea that's going to be a thing of the past. It's a magic ring that once per short rest let's you combine your lower level spell slots to cast one higher level spell. Now, there are some rules. You can only combine spells upto your highest level spell and you have to have already run out of those spell slots. No longer will us players be fighting the big bad enemy, use up all our 9th level spells and be left with nothing left to do. Because now we can use 9 level one spells to cast that 9th level.

Palmer

I have a tortle tank submission, simply for the poorest tortle, may yey Jake covet the idea from the others. A low magic campaign in need of a support character, perhaps, a Cleric of the Crystal domain. Who said Crystals never do shit. Perhaps your good pal fell in a hole and sprained his ankle, put some amethyst in his sock and it is good to go. Want to bless your friend? Give him some opal to hold in his hand, he better not drop it! Then, when the Crystal Cleric inevitably has to leave after some people from his past catch up to him, and after he sold the party plenty of tiger stone and garnet or whatever the hell, the party finds out his crystals don't work, and maybe he held the remaining bit of magic left in the land and used it to grift. Considering the price of eggs under the current regime, if you use this idea I just ask that you describe an omelet to me in unnecessary detail.

JumpTrash

Tortles, I'm gonna cut to the chase because I believe my product will speak for itself; Critical Misses In dungeons and dragons, critting is almost always one of the most exciting things that can happen at the table, leading to great, memorable moments that the players will all think about for minutes to come. However, are the successes of D&D not made more exciting when contrasted with the epic failures that come with the roll of the dice as well? Rolling a nat 20 in D&D is really only super useful for 2 things; Saving Throws (particularly Death Saves) and Attack Rolls. While the same can be said about saving throws for the humble nat 1, rolling a nat 1 in combat amounts to nothing more than a simple miss. Well Tortles, today that changes with my patented Critical Miss mechanic! Now, whenever you would roll a nat 1 on an attack roll on a melee weapon attack, this gives the target the ability to take an attack of opportunity. Thats the whole mechanic Tortles. I believe there's beauty in its simplicity and I'm SURE you feel the same. This is just a nice, simple feature that you can implement in any campaign to make each combat feel a little more exciting and can lead to some really funny or even dramatic moments at the table. I'm willing to give you this mechanic as well as 100% stake in my company in exchange for just some tiny little kisses, or alternatively if you could tell Zac Oyama that my dad refers to him as "America's Sweetheart".

Sam Abramowitz

Salutations shelled shareholders, Don’t you just hate it when you go from the highest high of critting and attack only to roll a 1 and a 2 and do less damage than the attack would normally do anyway? My substantial critical hits will solve all your woes. Set the minimum damage of a critical hit to be 1 more than the maximum damage of a non critical hit and you’ll have your players jumping for joy every time they roll that beautiful nat 20 (and fearing for their lives every time you do.)

snakejanders

jorts. just regular jorts. nonmagical. you add 1d4 - 1 on all jort related ability checks and saving throws. however, if you try to remove the jorts, you can. they're just normal jorts. all I'm asking is $40 for a 95% stake or $45 for a 100% stake

Luke Peterson

Greetings Tortle Twerps! I run a long form campaign(just finished a 2 yr first arc that brought the party from 1-5). I implement a skill check average roll option. Rather than simply applying the help option for advantage on the roll, the party can all roll and take the average roll to signify a more interactive and less vanilla check. It is simply an option they have in their pocket. It has both saved party members from sweeping over a waterfall as well as caused the party to fail in a social situation, causing a riot to ensue in a city. I offer this mechanic up to be cannabalized or enshrined as is for for a low 20% investment and a bottle of “crick water” Forever yours, ComfyBunion

foster the boneless duck

hi tortles! i am seeking your most interestingly-patterned egg for a 51% stake in my idea, ✨ The Occult Check✨ every dm has been there, you've got thrilling lore and shocking secrets you wish to reveal to your players to make them despair, rejoice, or form trust issues, and your friends have once again made a group of entertaining idiots. how will they ever roll above an 11 to find out that traces of necromancy linger in their deity's temple or recall that the bloody sigil defacing their deity's altar is that of myrkul? they won't. they never do, and how can they with a -2 to arcana and no wizard in sight? easily! give your resident charisma caster access to ✨The Occult Check✨ and spill all the lore tea you want as those 23s start rolling in. simply let your players swap out a proficiency in a history, arcana, or religion to dabble in the occult. this modifier can be easily calculated as charisma + proficiency, or simply direct them to their spell attack bonus. [i watched an episode of dragons' den before i typed this so i hope the vibe is accurate]

Nick Lindstrom

A stoic samurai methodically whets her blade; a dedicated monk meticulously practices their martial art; an obsessive wizard pores over an ancient spell tome. Hey tortles, let's broaden possibilities and create more opportunities for players to engineer cool character moments. Tortitudinous Tortles, I present to you the SHARPEN action: during any long rest, a player may choose to spend one hour "sharpening" an action. The action must be specific, e.g. longsword attack, unarmed strike, spell. If a player spends 1 hour (negotiable) of focused* sharpening, they are rewarded with a temporary +1 to hit with said action that lasts for 24 hours. If a spell that deals AOE is sharpened, the save DC for that spell is temporarily increased by 1 . Sharpened actions that deal nonmagical damage recieve an additional +1 temporary damage bonus. *If your players begin to really abuse the sharpen action, you can hammer down and impose concentration checks to determine whether the sharpening was successful, but honestly who cares it's a temp +1. Tantalizing Tortles, I am asking for three and a half of your drippiest eggs in exchange for a whetstone, an edgelord, and a thousand yard stare. SHARPEN UP!

3 Minions in a trench coat

Shello to all yall noble and illustrious tortles, and I don’t remember if we neg Jake on this show but if we do, hi Jort. I come to you with a simple premise for more heroism and more hijinx. As a precursor, my party has no rogues or any other class who would get evasion. Thusly tortles, when a spell is cast that calls for a saving throw, rolling a nat 20 allows you to escape the effects unscathed, who needs half damage when you are so good at rolling shiny rocks?! But the flip side, the dark times when heroes are brought low…rolling a nat 1 on the save results in a spectacular fail, and you will take double damage as if it was a critical hit. More excitement about crits, more laughs about fails, what else could you want in a homebrew rule? The tortally best part is that this rule applies universally to PCs and enemies alike. When your DM rolls a nat 1 on a fireball save, your wizard is having a great night. I present this to you for the low price of 8d6 eggs, or half as much if you pass a DC 14 dex save. Good day to you all and may your shells stay moist and majestic.

OG Beef

Good afternoon my most austere torts. Today I bring you a most tasty treat. Do you ever start a campaign with a familiar, forming a meaningful connection with it, only for it to become absolutely obsolete as you level up. To solve this I bring you the moderately juiced familiar. Put simply, when you roll your hit dice on a level up, whatever you leave on the table for hp goes to your familiar. You roll a 7 on your D8? Steve the crow gains a whopping 1 hp. You roll a devastating 2 on your d10? It stings less because your familiar just got moderately juiced. With my proposal your useless little buddies get a moderate amount of usefulness at a high level. Perhaps they can survive past the first round of combat in your next encounter to give you one big juicy help action before getting obliterated as we are oh so used to. For this I simply ask for 1000 future eggs and an incubator to be able to form a moderately juiced tortle familiar army.

Hunter.osty

Hello tortles! My pitch to you does not come from Dnd but for MTG! Tortles, we have all been there before, you draw your seven cards to start your game but alas! Not enough lands, forced to mulligan it happens again, and again, until you are at such a card disadvantage that there’s no chance you can win, BUT NOT ANYMORE today I present to you the Machinegun Mulligan! With this new starting draw you will seldom have to worry about drawing a poor starting hand ever again! When you start the game you draw 10 instead of 7 and then discard 3 to the bottom of your deck, this ensures a more fun and fair start to any casual house game of mtg where you can rest easy knowing everyone is starting with a more ideal hand, tortles all I am asking for is for “the one ring” card that is currently in post malones hands.

Silas Klassen

Hello Tenacious Tortles. Have you ever felt that playing a martial class just doesn't feel as strong as playing a spell caster? Do you wish you could do more Actions out of turn order to stop people dead in their tracks much like a counterspell? Fear not for it have a solution, the counter attack. When a player is attacked and the roll is a nat 1 the player can make a melee attack against the attacker using their reaction. This of course extends to npcs as well. All I am asking for today is 1 extremely large egg that makes people wonder, how did you lay that. Thank you swimming in your tank as I talk at you, and thank you for the egg.

Daemic

Good morning and Shellom Tortles. I break the group snuggle to present my untested, highly marketable homebrew: The Cursed Gamblers set. Within this small black box lies 1d6 dice, ranging from the d4 to the d20, and only one of each (decided by subsequent d6 rolls to determine which die is present). A 1 is a d4, 2 is d6 and so on. Each die requires attunement, as well as only being able to attune to one type of die, and each die is cursed. The curse is as follows: Whenever you roll a natural 20, the die you are attuned to gains a charge, up to a maximum equal to the die's size. You then fail whatever you were rolling for. A Critical Hit becomes a miss, a passed ability check fails, etc. When the die reaches max charges, the curse is suspended and the holder of the die may then elect to, at any time, activate the die. The next X d20 rolls are treated as 20, where X is the size of the die. The player cannot activate the die before it reaches max charges, nor can they stop the effect before the charges empty. Effectively, these dice allow the player to store misfortune in advance to "cheat the dice" in their favor. A cursed gamble, if you will. With the rising costs of eggs being astronomical, I will instead trade my Cursed dice for sets of your Blessed Moonlight dice at 1:1. Buy quick. The first set is Strawberry flavored. (P.S. the alternative curse is whenever the max roll of a dice occurs, treat it as a 1 and give the die a charge. Activation then treats the die as rolling its max. I.e., after 8 d8s become 1s, activating the die turns your next 8 d8s into max rolls)

Jake Punch

Tortles, who's the coolest action hero? The one everyone wants to be, a paragon among men. Jesus Christ it's Jason Borne! That's right, the amnesiac hero with mysterious skills and an even more mysterious backstory is a common roleplay fantasy, but how to make that work mechanically? As a DM you don't want to overstep your players boundaries, and as a player you want plenty of surprises, what to do!? Introducing the "Polyglot?" Feat. On character creation you may take the "Polyglot?" Feat, however the only language you speak is common. Whenever you hear a new language for the first time, you may roll a raw INT check. On a DC 14-18 (Difficulty determined by the DM) the player can speak that language. This is a good jumping off point for an amnesiac backstory. Why would an elf not speak Elvish, but speak Dwarven and Draconic? I'm willing to give this to you tortles for free, so long as you can help me figure out who I really am, and what I'm doing here. Thank you.

Jakey Juice

Dear tortles, i come to you with the humblest of mechanics. Ever go outside flip a log and see some critters just living their best lives? Well put those little freaks in dnd I used a magic bug mechanic in a home campaign and it turned the boring tasks of resting into opportunities to find new friends. Each bug has a minescule buff that grows stronger over time. Each player has one "bug orb" a magial marble sized capsule in which they can harness the wonderous power of bugs. The catch the bug will die if you are too reckless in battle. This idea is not perfect however. Some bugs, like the Mosquito, has an effect of healing 1 hp every time the player hit a target. And my warloc used it for dozens of sessions without it ever dying. And as a result it grew to deal an extra d6 of dmg and heal half the damage dealt. I humbly ask a mere investment of peeping that log in the pond for you all to bask on to see if there are any cool bugs.

Frederick Ward

Hello Tortles, tired of your spell slots going unused and stale on your sheet as you enjoy some wholesome downtime activities? Maybe a days adventuring wasn't as strenuous as you thought and theres some low level slots slowly curdling from a lack of goblins to smite? I propose the mana sink ring, the ring has 3 charges and at the start of a long rest you can fill the ring with spell slots up to an amount of levels equal to the charges in the ring. For example, a wizard with a level 2 slot and 2 level 1 slots left when you bed down for the night could store a first and second level slot in the ring for later use, the slots cannot be stored longer than 24 hours. Tortles for this solid gold concept I braggadociously ask for 500 eggs to huck at my neighbours corrola

Luke Jarrett

Shello Tortles, My idea for your eggs: Shopping sucks ass As DM I hate the shopping sessions. It always turns into players stealing, making enemies of the shop keeper who is just trying to make a living. The worst of this ended up I ended up making a shop keeper a mini bebg just to get the point across. Didn’t work. So I send a shopping list before session, with what is there and how much it costs. If you want a discount then roll at the session. No shopping in session, back to killing goblins. For my idea I would like an amount of eggs as you seem fit. Side idea, as a break from a campaign design merch for your campaign as it you were podcast superstars like yourtotleselves Cheers

James

Luscious and Luminous Tortties: I present to you a themed homebrew rule to bring to your next party that is sure to raise the roof (or in your case, the little shells you live in). I play a campaign where everyone is a frat boy who got stuck in the Forgotten Realm. They wander through the world fighting monsters and trying to find a way home. However, times are hard in this world and the players are often in dire need of some inspiration. But what could inspire a frat boy to rise to the challenges that lie before them? Why, by sinking a gnarly shot in a game of beer pong of course! Introducing Beer Pong Inspiration! All you need are six solo cups, some water (no dirty pongs in this house, ya nasty), and a ping pong ball. Set up the 6 cups with water in a triangle right in front of the DM screen. Then, when you roll a Nat 1 on a stealth check, you can step up and try to sink one that ping pong ball into one of the cups. If you land it, you can roll again! If you miss, you have to live with what you rolled. You only get one shot per dice roll (be it attack roll, ability check, damage, etc.) and if you make it, the DM takes the cup away. Once you sink all 6 cups, there is no more inspiration left to be given. The players and agree to one re-rack per session. Be the raddest DM on campus with Beer Pong Inspiration! Let the dice tell the story. After all, a Ping Pong Ball is kind of like a d-infinity if you think about it. Tortles: all I ask in return is 500 lukewarm eggs and a six pack from the gas station. Also, shout out to my wife for coming up with this idea. If you invest, I will be giving her 80% of the earnings.

Callie

How do you do fellow tortles, I present to you hombrew rules I made for my tabaxi cavalier player. Since she might not always have her mule I came up with some rules so she can ride her fellow players. -half movement to mount and dismount friends -athletics check to mount friends, disadvantage if the friend doesn't know beforehand -if turn has started on friends shoulders they can roll a strength check to buck her off, if succeeded she will end up prone -if she remains on the shoulders they roll with disadvantage -rogue with 12 strength has to make a strength chdck when mounted or knocked prone -player has half movement when mounted For this system I ask for 4 eggs one for each member of our group. Thank you.

Sam Ross

To the Tortles, wise and serene in your tank. I ask a simple question: is combat feeling a little... boring? Same-y? Predictable? Especially when you have to wait 20, 30 minutes, sometimes more between turns? I am adding to combat by subtracting a useless mechanic. Get rid of Initiative. Everyone declares their actions, in order of low to high Init modifier, and then everything is rolled and resolved simultaneously. No waiting for turns, it's always everyone's turn. No BBEG getting sniped before they get to use their special move, no stunlocking for real life hours, just a chaotic hectic melee. Any contested actions where order does matter (ie, two people reaching for the same cursed gem) can be solved by in-the-moment initiative roll offs, much more interesting than static turn order. I offer this to the Tortles at the cost of 100 eggs, minus their useless and extraneous shells.

A Talking Dog

Wassup, o noble and savvy tortles, I venture into your tank to present to you a notably non-magical item: The Spellblank Weapon. This weapon is so intensely non-magical, that it defies the very Weave that permeates most D&D high fantasy settings. When you hit with an attack roll using this weapon, the target takes an extra 1d6 radiant damage as the target's connection to the Weave is severed, manifesting as disintegrating flesh around the wound. The weapon itself is immune to magical effects (e.g. Heat Metal) and may pass through magical barriers such as Shield or Wall of Force unimpeded. Lastly, the attuned wielder may also cast Dispel Magic as a ritual spell, using the weapon to unmake magical runes. In exchange for 66% of the company and helping me forge this weapon from the void-blood of the beholder god Gzemnid in defiance of the natural order, I ask for 4 eggs and the juice of 2 lemons, because I'm also trying to bake lemon bars.

Bob Hammerling

Let’s talk about the help action, champions. You spend an action to use it in combat—simple, right? But what’s stopping you from spamming it nonstop out of combat to essentially make every skill check with advantage? Nothing, right? Now that we agree this is a real problem, I’m here to sell you a solution. Make it a low-DC dice roll, maybe 10 or so. If you succeed, your target rolls with advantage. But if you fail, the target rolls with disadvantage, or faces a higher DC, or something even more interesting that we can workshop after you invest. You can have an 80% ownership stake in this idea in exchange for a dozen normal chicken eggs, because they are really expensive right now

Bryce Robertson

Hello Tortles! I have for you today a fantastic item: The Cloak of Increasingly Pointless Disguises! This item would allow one to cast a modified disguise self, with a greater risk-reward chance! Upon casting disguise self, the player would roll a D4. This value, determines a modifier to the players deception roll while the disguise is active. A 1 would be a critical fail, causing a -5 to deception. A 2 would cause a -1. A 3, +1. And a 4, +5! Upon achieving a 4, the die value moves to a D6, with a 1 and 6 becoming the crit fail and success respectively. This increase in die value would continue on crits all the way to a D20! A crit fail on rolls would lower the die value to the previous die. Now flavoring, the disguise is up to the discretion of the DM. You roll a 1, maybe you become an orangutan on a farm. A nat 20, you become a really small goth girl listening to a podcast on complicated women talking to an emo boy. The possibilities are endless. Now tortles, I’m a humble man, all I ask for is 1 really chill, laid back egg. Thank you for your consideration

Tony Cappellino

Good afternoon esteemed justi- wait, shit… Tortles! We’ve heard the debate before; when is the worst time to roll a Nat 20? Some say on initiative, some say on a flurry of blows, but let’s finally put this to rest. The real answer is on a SAVING THROW. Imagine deftly dodging a dragon’s breath with a dexterous move, the embodiment of peak physical performance and grace, only to… still take half of the damage. My idea is simple- A Nat 20 on a saving throw results in no damage taken. It’s gratifying for the players, it makes sense in context, and it ensures that ALL Nat 20s in DnD feel rewarding. All I ask for is 3 eggs, two dollars, and a few brown leaves to fund my working capital. In exchange, you receive a 49% share and a blessing of many future, impactful Nat 20s (results may vary, this should not be construed to equal a guarantee of future Natural 20s).

Luke G

Greetings Tortles. Ive brought something very special today. Id like to introduce you to Initiative actions. These are minor actions that can be performed while rolling initiative, before combat officially starts. Im talking mage armour, pact weapons, wild shape etc. Any existing spell or ability necessary to set up a character for combat - with the caveat that a player may only target themselves. Lets face it, how many times have you seen someone try to squeeze an action before a fight, in order to maximise their first turn? Eg, “Can we say i summoned my sword?” Or “Oh i definitely wild shaped as soon as they turned hostile” How boring is it to spend that first round setting up? I say lean into it, let your players have their cool transformation scene before battle and enjoy that first strike. The DM has discretion on what exactly is allowed as an initiative action, and decides when and where it may be applicable. inInitiative actions can be added to your game as an over aching home rule, in special situations where your players have an advantage, or applied to the party as an in game boon. In exchange for this very cool rule, i simply ask for a hot, home-cooked meal.

jane nam

Yo torts. I present you with the perpetually clean cup, that can cleanse any substance poured into it, and has unlimited charges of create water. Until of course, it breaks. Having been cursed by a mad hatter, if the cup is present during combat, it shatters after initiative is rolled and causes each player to “move down,” and freaky Friday character sheets counter clockwise for 1d4+1 rounds, before players “move down” again, treating until the character sheets are return and souls reunited with vessels. I am asking only to be present for the procession of your next clutches journey from sand to sea, and naming rights for your favorite hatchling.

Nathan Boelts

Hello Trusted and Tasteful Tortles! I would like to present to you my very own idea to improve one of my favorite spells. I present The Up-Casted Shield. As long as I have been a PC or DM, I have loved the shield spell. Whether you cast it because you refuse to let that one annoying bad guy hurt you, or to avoid falling to 0 HP, we all love that sweet +5 to AC. However, most other spells provide you the opportunity to improve their effect. Whether it is being able to target more creatures or do more damage, the ability to cast a spell at a higher level than it requires generally improves the spell. No such benefit exists for the shield spell and I will not stand for it. The up casted shield works as follows. For each spell slot level above 1st that you use to cast shield, your AC is increased by an additional point. For example, if you spend a second level spell slot to cast shield, your temporary bonus to your armor class is 6 (5+1). This rule allows the squishiest of spell casters to protect themselves much more effectifvely, while also having to decide which higher level spell slots are worth spending to avoid those bad guy attacks. I offer you 50% of the business and am open to your tortle tweaks in exchange for 69 of your NICEst eggs.

Cup of T-Viv

Greetings, O Tortles wet & wild. I bring you a very straightforward new table rule to spice up your more humdrum Nat 20s and potentially crack open the door to explosive character development. My proposition is this: with each Nat 20 rolled by a player, they roll again and on another 20, roll a third time. If they achieve three 20s in a row (a 1-in-8000 chance) they receive a free Feat, because the perfect execution of the Nat 20 that started it all has allowed them to transcend their natural limits. Perhaps they struck a blow with their mace so cataclysmic that they gained new insight into Crushing their foes, or they spotted a foe so far away that they became truly Observant. This is also the perfect invitation to add a character hook or a new path for them to explore. In my campaign, a PC achieved their triple-20 while darting between threats in a trapped shrine, and chose to take the Fey Touched feat. As DM I decided that this meant they had caught the attention of The Morrigan, bloody queen of the Fey, and their engagement with this new twist changed the character and the next two years of the campaign dramatically. Even when it fails, as it often will, it means many more opportunities to bask in the sound of rolling d20s and injects little jolts of drama throughout the session. In return for my idea, I am simply asking for a single clutch of reasonably sized eggs, plus a one-way ticket to Hot-Tub Island (aka Planet Cum-Button)

Rob's Wit

To the Tortle Titans of Industry, I present: The Gambler's Die. "This d6 is carved from Electrum and detailed with runic script. Using the die as a spellcasting focus, you can roll this d6 while casting a concentration spell and imbue the spell into the die. The number rolled is the amount of rounds the spell's concentration will be held by the Gambler's Die. This does not take up the casters concentration. The die can be imbued with a spell once per long rest." (Rare) (Requires Attunement) Optional Curses: "The die is cursed and draws upon your lifeforce. While attuned to this item, subtract 1d6 from any death saving throws." I seek one dragon turtle egg in compensation.

Stations & Starships

To my big big big big big ass torties, imagine you are sitting down at a table with your friends, entertaining fantasies to your hearts content. You look down at your character sheet... what a fine character you have. So safe. So familiar. You roll your dice and... it's yet another hit with your sword! But wait... is that a touch of boredom in your eyes? Has your character you nurtured for years in your heart become... just a little bit boring? THEN IT'S TIME to spice up your roleplay! Introducing the Ring of Randomm Ass Class Changing! It holds but one charge... but you can use it to randomly and permanently change your character class! No go-backsies. Everything else stays the same. Your name, your level, your stats, your backstory, that bottle of seltzer you stole from a troll, it all stays. But your class? Totally random! Sick of smites? Sling some spells instead as a Sorcerer! Tired of Eldrich Blasting? Try smell-dritch smashing that new Artificer potion! If you're rolling your eyes whenever you say "I guess go into yet another rage"... Then this is the ring for you! Now... I haven't figured out the randomness mechanics quite yet... and to be honest I got the ring from an evil cave hag and I'm too afraid to use it myself... but I'd be willing to part with it for a sit down meal of 6 of your soft boiled black garlic infused eggs in which the ring wil reveal itself to be in the middle yolk of one of them. So, do we have a deal? *I hold my outstretched sweaty nervous palm for a hanshake.*

Andy W.

Friends, Tortles, Tanks. Are you your groups go to DM? Do you love DMing but would like a little break every now and then? I present for you the round table DM seat: as your group’s DM you run a session 0, help everyone (including yourself) make characters and form a good team. Then each person in the group takes a turn running an arc or one shot with the same group of characters. Perhaps you go to a new area each time someone new hops in the DM seat. Your group gets the fun of a long term campaign with reduced stress and prep time. You can even run an arc or two yourself. True collaborative storytelling. I am looking for an investment of one barrel of pickled eggs for a 40% stake in my idea. I am only willing to take notes in the form of a compliment sandwich.

Michael Glander

Hello tortles, i humbly bring you the idea of "roll to confirm" on a nat 1. It adds drama as the dm looks at the player and just says "roll to confirm" whenever they roll a nat 1, the player then rolls a flat d20 that roll decides how bad of a failure it is. This also takes away the dm stress of having to decide how bad a failure has to be on their own. A high roll you fail but it isn't embarrassing mid to low roll funny embarrassing failure really low roll is when it has potential consequences. For this idea i simply ask for your most interesting looking egg for full ownership and trademark rights

HaysForHorses

Hello Tortles, Turtises, and sometimes Owlbears, I come before you as a humble man seeking to bring peace to this divided land. Whether it be the tavern-goer overrhearing a roaring debate over half-empty tankards, or the isolated hermit catching rumors carried by the whistling wind, all have heard of the contention plaguing our home: what’s up with that Nat 20 on initiative? I offer a simple solution that gives a menial boon to those who feel slighted upon receiving the touch of Dice Christ while still respecting Murph’s sanctity of the experience: If you roll a Nat 20 on initiative while being surprised, you aren’t surprised anymore! Rather than skipping your turn because you failed the Perception check for those bandits, now you get to be a part of that initial action because divine intervention allowed you to be alert. This gives a dopaminergic rush to the player while not being game breaking as this is essentially a 5% chance of having the Alert feat. However, the enemies can do it as well, so the DM’s can have their turn at the carnal corner as well. If this pleases you, all I ask for in return is the chance to get 2 dozen eggs at Aldi as I am currently limited to 1 (I figure you have sway in the market) P. S. I pay for two people’s Patreon subscriptions, so bias is encouraged.

Rayjay Johnson

Shello tortles, especially that guy that rode his way to success on Amir's back, Have you ever had a character with low deception, but needed someone to believe your lie desperately? Introducing: The Scroll of True Lies™ This scroll makes a target or a group of targets believe whatever lie you tell them, no deception rolls needed. Simply put the scroll directly on a place close to your heart (literally), declare to the DM what your intended target is and let your character lie their ass off. The scroll disintegrates without trace once the lie has been told and believed. (One time use only, see terms and conditions for details). This scroll can be yours today for the low low price of two eggs and one egg white, one cup of flour and a teaspoon of love. WARNING!!! Only for the DM's eyes: This is a cursed wish spell. The players will think, that the scroll makes targets believe whatever lie the PC tells them. But what the scroll is really doing, is alter reality to make whatever lie the PC tells true. E.g. A rogue tells a guard that he's the queen's uncle. Then his and her parentage will change to accommodate this new reality, with all the possibly uncomfortable consequences. ONLY USE IF YOU DON'T CARE TOO MUCH ABOUT YOUR CAMPAIGN

rob b

Big Torts I come to you with an idea fill of wonder and mystery. As we all know our beloved big beefy tanks are always surrounded and charging head first into battle but can lack the ability to hit multiple enemies at once and can sometimes feel left out due to not having magic. I present to you dragon in a tea cup. This magic item is a cute lil dragon in you guessed it a tea cup, damage type can be dms choice. This can be used once per short rest and the damage scales with the users strength score. 10 - 15 2d8, 16 - 18 4d8, 19-20 8d8 20+ 10d8. DC=strength score the item also requires atunment. I require 6 nothing but yoke eggs

Valens

Good day, Tortles. I bring to you today... Chaos. I expect no investors in my product, but instead stand before you simply to have my voice heard by my fellow DMs that want revenge. Revenge for the shenanigans and buffoonery our PCs have put us through. But now it is our time. What I propose is a 10% chance than any inanimate object is a mimic. Not a fully stated out mimic, simply a small annoyance that will deal a single piercing damage as it bites your PCs and runs away. Will you as the DM be rolling constantly to see if an object is a mimic? Yes. Will your PCs immediately get tired of this? Also yes. But do you care? Maybe. If any of the Tortles wishes to buy into my pitch, all I ask is for a single egg that has a 10% chance of being a mimic. If there are no investors, then I simply hope my words have caused a table of PCs somewhere to sigh in frustration as they are once again bit by a mimic. Thank you for your time.

AuroraEnder

Hey tortles! I'm seeking just a few weirdly shaped eggs in exchange for 60% stake in my idea called "The Devils Bargain". Have you ever wanted a roll to succeed wildly in a high stakes story point in your campaign? Well now it can with The Devil's Bargain! Once per campaign, every player has a chance to forego a dice roll and invoke The Devil's Bargain to succeed on whatever they're trying to do. The catch? The DM gets to inflict a negative consequence of their choosing with equal impact at a later date. Sure, the dice tell their story but everyone else gets to do so too.

Giovanni Gabriele

Did you know that for Italian turtles shiao means both hello and goodbye? Esteemed turtles rich in eggs I present to you the goblet of champions. An item that can be introduced for a fun one shot in any campaign. The goblet allows any willing creature that drinks from it to enter an extra planar tournament of heroes (like a plane of existence where all the inhabitants live in a coliseum and watch people fight or something). Upon drinking each player is for the duration leveled up to a level 20 character and placed in an arena. The DM can add npc opponents or just have pvp. The ruler of this plane will bestow upon the winner a boon up to DM discretion (like gold, magic item, ability score improvement, doesn’t matter). I’ve always wanted to go all out in a super leveled fight to the death. I understand some level 20 abilities are game breaking in a sense but the DM can just make ad hoc rules that things like a wish spell won’t allow you to just win automatically. Upon character death or winning of the tournament, the players wake up where they were about five minutes after drinking from the goblet and the goblet disappears and the players are back to their normal level. In return for this idea I require either ten million of your highest quality brood or you have to use it in a one shot with the band of boobs. Thank you and shiao

Alec Posta

Bonjourno Turts! I present to you an item sure to tickle the fancy of shenanigan prone players everywhere: The Rock of Relativity. At first glance it’s nothing more than a pebble roughly the size of a d20. Not very useful you say? Well, it’s just a matter of perspective. When a creature attunes to the rock, it appears the same size to them no matter their distance from it. To everyone else, however, the rock grows or shrinks to maintain its constant size relative to its observer. At a distance of 30 feet your pebble packs the punch of a 1ft diameter boulder (this math is verified by actual experimentation!). More distance = more size. The only limit is your imagination! Will you strap it to the end of a whip to dramatically increase its damage? Or maybe try to coax your BBEG to the bottom of a cliff: a prime spot to be crushed by a rock! “Overpowered!”, I hear Murph shouting from the back? Don’t worry DMs; balance in all things. The user remains attuned to the rock as long as they’re within 30 feet of it, but beyond that range they must maintain line of sight on it or attunement breaks and it reverts to its original, tiny size (which can be quite hard to find, wink wink). Also, if it gets too big, it crushes under its own weight, destroying the magic inside but leaving a brand new mountain in its final resting place. And for ease of math; I’ve been equating its combat utility to fall damage: +1d6 damage for every 10 feet away from the observer. I ask only for two eggs, but I request your biggest one, as well as your smallest.

rob b

Note the dragon shoots out a 15 foot cone

Choc DISCO

Hey there Tortles! Are you tired of pulling Donjon out of the Deck of Many Things, or simply want to ruin your campaign in a much fantastical fashion? Whether you said no or not, I’ve got the perfect solution just for you. I present: Rykiel’s The Deck of All Too Many Things! Instead of having some obscure small number like 13 or 22 cards, this deck uses the standard 52-card deck! It draws inspiration from multiple sources, including the pantheon of my homebrew world: Sanctuary. Attached is a link to view the cards: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ocZYv2g9XV30G7XsZSyKBbnstLHmn314ULG3WJ0--tk/edit Some of my favorite cards are 8 of Diamonds (Of the Seasonal Court), 10 of Hears (Of Soliana), and Queen of Clubs (Of the Primal Court). I offer 1/52nd of the company, with the entirety going to Jake even if he didn’t invest. In turn, I ONLY ask for 5 eggs, and 5 more eggs. But don’t give me 10 eggs because I’ll know.

Katie S.

For you consideration oh clever and insightful tortles, I present to you the potion of last resort! This daring elixir lets you tap into the very brink of death. Once taken, the potion restores the player to full HP by dipping into the buffer of negative max HP that normally keeps you from instant death. The Catch: • After drinking the potion, you can’t be healed by any means. • Hit 0 HP? You’re instantly dead—no death saves. • Only a Greater Restoration or a long rest purges the potion’s consequences. • Drink it again in a later session? If you reach 0 HP, you can’t be revivified. Every time the player takes it again, the stakes increase to deter overuse. All this… for a simply perfect egg.

Mike Y

Good morning Tortles! Have you ever been excited about DND, and met a young hatchling who is also excited, but you don’t know how to start getting them into the game? It can be daunting. Who can get a 7 year old excited about half cover vs. full cover when all they really want to do is throw fireballs at their siblings? Enter my idea, The Magic Duel! All you need is a handbook, a d20, a d12, and a d10. Each player takes turns rolling all three dice. The d12 is the class from chapter 3, the d10 is the spell level, and you count the d20 down the spell list for that class in that level. Reroll the d12 if you land on a class without spells, and you use a level 9 spell on a 9 or a 10 on the d10. It's even more fun if each kid brings their favorite toy or stuffy to play, so they can pretend like their kitsune stuffy is casting Bigby's Giant Hand on their brother's squishmallow. This idea is yours for the low low price of an air high-five into the ether to me when you see the smiles on your little ones' faces during the game.

Grynk Grynkleton

Hi Judges? Tortles? Sorry its my first time, I'm kinda nervous. Oh hi, your name is? Jork, Emily, Murphy, Caldwell, nice to meet you all, Grynk Grynkleton here, my pitch? Oh right! Make shit up and lie. Party wants to talk to an NPC sure here's Craig and yes he's super hot in the way that you want him to be. Party brings up that thing you mentioned off the cuff? Be cool, smirk and ask for that check, ride the adrenalin and no matter what they get chuckle and tell them they failed. I do this at least once a session and my players have no clue (they are fully aware and love it), especially when you pocket that idea and bring it back later. Party member recently died and an improv given diamond neckless the party stole a month ago allowed the artificer to revive him after the inn collapsed. I'm asking for as many eggs you think will stabilize a fallen pig if I put them underneath it. Thank you for your time and Jork Nice hair 😎.

Ricky the Moist

Buenas noches Tortles! Ricky the Moist here, seeking not your eggs but merely 5% of Caldwell’s goofiness, 15% of Jake’s hustle, 7% of Emily’s whimsy, and 50% of Murph’s wrath a la Space Jam style for a stake in my idea for Griftoria’s Wimple! A wimple created and owned by the powerful Witch Noble Griftoria who had many diplomatic and political ties. While worn, the wearer knows can read the thoughts and desires of those the wearer is in conversation with. Twice per long rest the wearer may cast Detect Thoughts without verbal, somatic, or material components and the wearer does not need to concentrate on the spell. When the spell is cast, no target of the spell can detect the wearer probing their minds. Whatta ya say Tortles? Stylish, practical, just what any bumbling fool might need. Are ya in or do I need to take this incredible one of a kind opportunity over to the Tiefling Tub?

Trickonometry

Hello Tortles and who I presume will be the torpid presenter of my offer, Jack (the one who keeps asking to be on 8-Bit Bookclub). I come to you looking for a dozen eggs to help expand the D&D sport I created to an international scale - which I know is a big ask given the low supply in the egg market. I present to you Pain Ball, a D&D sport my player created when I asked what his character watched from his BarcaLounger (which he also inserted into my homebrew world Oppa Caldwell Style). Though I have the full rules written out, for the sake of brevity I’ll give you an overview: - There are three of the titular Pain Balls, and they are shaped like the head of a Morningstar (spikes poking out from a heavy metal ball), except they are the size and weight of a Medicine Ball. When holding a Pain Ball, the holder cannot also be wielding a weapon because it’s so large and cumbersome. Also, if hit by an enemy while holding the Pain Ball, the holder takes an additional 1d6 piercing damage from the spikes. - It’s painful and it’s a ball. Pain Ball. - This 3v3 game (because this is a 3 player campaign) is played in an 80ft wide circular pit that is sloped toward the center, meaning the Pain Balls will fall toward the center if not being held. - The goal of the game is for the 3 members of the Offensive team, which starts at the South point of the Pain Pit, to place the 3 Pain Balls into three podiums located at the North, East, and West points of the Pain Pit. - The Offense wins the match if they are able to get have all 3 pain balls placed in a podium at the same time. - The Defense wins the match if they can either incapacitate the Offense before they can successfully get all 3 Pain Balls to the podiums OR keep all 3 Pain Balls off the podiums AND out of the hands of the Offense for 2 full rounds. - The part about the Offense needing to keep the Pain Balls in their possession is to make sure that the Offense doesn’t just abandon the balls to kill the Defense first. That would not be Pain Ball, that would just be a fight with a weird chore at the end. - Finally, there are rules for Pain Ball Maneuvers like “Passing the Pain” to an ally, requiring Athletics checks on both sides to avoid hurting your friend; “Bring the Pain” to throw the Pain Ball at an enemy to just straight up hurt them and then grab the Pain Ball again; and the TPC (Toss-Punch-Catch) maneuver that is difficult, but it would allow an offensive player to, well, toss the Pain Ball, punch/attack their enemy, and catch the Pain Ball after. And maybe other cool maneuvers (Tortle Murphy, I’m looking at you, this is clearly wrestling coded). Thank you for your time, Tortles, I humbly await negotiation for the dozen eggs, ideally validating the use of too much time developing a full set of rules for a throw away joke from one of my players.

Tim S.

My esteemed torts and turts, allow me to say what we all know: most homebrew rules are overcomplicated garbage, not fit to sully your tank. That's why I'm sure you'll be able to recognize one that's ACTUALLY solving a true problem for all 5e players and DMs: RAW underwater combat is lame and doesn't feel dangerous. My simple, intuitive, undeniably play-tested and proven fix? Add an Air resource and use the already existing framework for CONCENTRATION checks. This simple change made fighting underwater scary for my group while not having to learn a whole new sheet of rules. Two RAW points to keep in mind: An unconscious player underwater cannot be healed until they are out of the water, and automatically fail death saves. And most weapon attacks are at a disadvantage underwater. With that in mind, a player character adds Air as a resource to their character sheet; your max Air is 1+CON Modifier (Minimum of 1) (Ex. A monk with a 14 CON score starts with 3 Air). Upon taking damage underwater a player must make a Concentration check (exactly the same as a spell Concentration check to keep it familiar). On a failure, the player's Air count goes down by 1. Casting a spell with a Verbal component results in another Concentration check. Failure still results in casting the spell, but Air goes down by 1 (this helps balance the martial classes' disadvantage). A player must also make a Concentration check at the end of each turn while fighting in frigid/boiling waters. Any items or abilities affecting Concentration checks should likewise help with these checks. Any creature, ability, or item that lets a player breathe underwater means they don't need to make checks at all. LET'S KEEP IT SIMPLE FOLKS. Falling to 0 Air means a player begins drowning. They can last a number of rounds equal to their CON mod (Minimum of 1) before running out of oxygen and falling unconscious. Taking any damage automatically lowers the count by 1 without a chance to save. Play test results: In real combat this does not change the result much from a RAW underwater combat (THIS IS THE GOAL, PEOPLE). A character can realistically last a few rounds fine underwater. But the mere addition of a dwindling resource made the open water terrifying to my group. A kraken grappling a hero and dragging them underwater means death is on the way. I've already sold this to a competing group of sea horses for rights to dig around for sea horse eggs in their little pouches, but I'm willing to illegally go back on that deal in exchange for your full legal protection. Maybe you can just eat the sea horses idk if tortles do that.

Court Davies

Good day Tortles! For the dedicated artisan in any party, isn't it a shame that you don't have access to a workshop while on the road? Don't you wish that during your many days of travel, you could still work on your tinkering, smithing, or woodworking projects? Well Tortles, I have the perfect homebrew magic item for you! I present to you, a Magical Key to the Whisk-Away Workshop! By using an action to place this golden key upon a flat surface for 1 minute, a magical door manifests. Stepping through this door takes you to a demiplanar workshop, fully loaded with all the tools you need for your crafting needs! Then, upon leaving the workshop, the door disappears! Use this handy space for working, storage, or even a prison if your needs are more nefarious! I'm offering 15% ownership of the Whisk-Away Workshop for only a dozen eggs, since I'm planning on doing a bunch of baking this weekend.

Clint S.

Howdy, Tortles! I come to you with a proposal meant to tap into a niche market: wild west campaigns. A major staple of the wild west genre is the Showdown. Two gunslingers staring across a dusty town square while civilians gawk from behind barbershop windows and barrels of gods-know-what in between saloons. They draw. A single gunshot rings out. A body falls. It is THE edge-of-your-seat moment in any cowboy flick. But how does your stetson-wearing Centaur get the same experience? With the RAW mechanics, your epic Showdown would become a single attack action with 1d6 damage taken. That’s where my rules come into play. My Showdown maintains the lethality of the moment without leaving it to a single roll that could potentially end a player’s 2 year journey in an instant. A Showdown would require 4 rolls from each combatant: Sleight of Hand, Perception, Initiative, Attack. Each cowpoke rolls their sleight of hand to sneak their hands to their big irons. Then they roll perception to see if they notice each other’s sleight of hand. Whoever passes gains advantage on their Initiative check, which determines who fires first (it is possible for both or neither combatant to gain advantage). Whoever rolls a higher Initiative gets to shoot first. If the first shooter clears the opponent’s AC, the opponent dies without pulling the trigger. But if they miss, then the opponent has a chance at victory. I am willing to part with this idea for your dustiest eggs to decorate my saloon with.

Lucas Na

G'day, most wise and prudent tortles. Does it ever feel a bit simplistic to have every DND competition in the gladiatorial arena? Ever feel let down by adapting OTHER sports to DND? The real world offers but one sport fit for the task: Roller Derby! Or in fantasy terms: Mana Ring! Just place your party against another equal sized team on a 150 ft track. Let that rogue or monk shine by making them your designated runner. Every loop the runner makes around the track is one point--three points wins the match!!! Every other player’s job is to get your runner around faster than the opposing runner. You’ll be blown away by the creative uses of spells and abilities when players don’t need to kill their opponents to win. Restrictions you ask? A player moved off the 10-foot-wide track by any means has to use half their movement to get back, just like being prone. No flying or teleporting for the runner position and that’s it! p.s. GREAT way to run PvP--no hurt feelings, just friendly competition.

Niklas G

Let your players roll to avoid getting hit! Greetings supreme turtles, This one is for all those turtles, that didn’t manage to invest before their eggs hatched. Suddenly you have a bunch of hatchlings, no time, and on top of that, YOU have to roll for each of the monsters attacking them, and when you crit, they even start crying and blaming you! I say no more of this! Let them roll themselves! Instead of you rolling to hit for every single monster, let your hatchlings do the work for you! With the following simple formular, you can mimic the exact mechanics of the original rules, but with the players rolling to avoid getting hit instead! Defense DC = 12 + monsters to hit bonus Players Defense Bonus = AC - 10 The attacked player simple rolls a d20 against the DC using their Defense Bonus, a 20 always resulting in a dodge/block/parry, while a 1 will be a crit against the player. Suddenly it is their own bad roll that will get them cleaved in two! This pairs extremely well with using average (or pre-rolled) damage of monsters! Just tell each hatchling how many monsters are attack them and what the dc is defend is. Any fails results in damage taken. Example: Hardwon is wearing full plate armor (AC), this gives him a Defense bonus of +8 (18 - 10). He is being attacked by a normal orc (+5 to hit), which means the Defense DC is 17 (12 + 5). Hardwon rolls to parry, he gets a 9 on the die resulting in a 17, just enough to block! The orc almost gets through Hardwons defenses, but he manages to push the orcs axe to the side and gets ready to counterattack! Thanks for listening to my pitch, All I ask for, is one of your finest yolks, you can keep the shell.

Katy C.

Hello Tortles! I humble myself before your (divine?) authority and bring to you a fun way to mix up the always beloved shopping session. Players can go to The Thrift Store where they can purchase items at a steep discount, but they’re just a bit different than what they may be used to. Examples include: The Deck of Manly things (players can draw cards and receive things like hammers, a beer, etc), The Moveable Rod (it’s just a metal rod), The Cape of Willowing (use and action to make the wearer cry). The options are endless! The fun is boundless! Players can shop and purchase items that won’t come back to bite you! All I ask for in exchange is one very wet egg. Amen.

Grace Bee

Everyone gets expertise in one skill at first level, in addition to any expertise gained for other reasons. Players are encouraged to pick a skill that is not based on their primary ability and/or is in line with the personality and story of their character. For example, you could have a cleric who's really good at religion even though they don't usually prioritize intelligence or a barbarian who's mostly dumb but loves history. You can have the idea for free because you're nice people

Duncan Longtrunks

Hello Torts! Are you a Druid or non-life based Cleric and wish your healing spells were stronger? Are you a Bard upcasting healing word to 3rd level only to find your words falling flat? Are you tired of rolling three 1s on that upcast and burning that 3rd level spell just to give out 7 points of healing? And then watching the person you brought back from the brink of death get slapped down the very next turn, leaving you wondering if you should have just used that 3rd level spell slot for fireball or something cool. Well do I have the solution for you! Improved Healing: When upcasting healing word or cure wounds, multiply the spell casting modifier by the spell level. This way when you are a 5th level Bard (with a +4 CHA modifier) upcasting healing word and you roll those three 1s for your 3d4, no worries! You still add 4 (CHA mod) x 3 (upcast spell level) to that! Turning what would be 7 points of healing into 15! You can have this simple improvement on the already established healing formula for the low, low price of 4 eggs who I plan to raise to be crime fighting ninjas.

PastaCortez

Dear Emily, even though I don't have a submission for the Tank, I would like to beseech you to implore Murph to make good on his promise for a potential Mr. Toad one-shot, following my recent relisten. Thank you kindly.

Nathan Van Ness

The Vendor’s Money Organizer I created this item for a player who needed to leave their ship in the hands of a trusted NPC. This way, the player could gain a passive income as the NPC made ferry runs in their absence. It seems like just the product for Tortle on the go! I am asking for 1 egg per transfer going forward. Item description: Time is money! A hard-working business tortle like you should not be forced to waste their it walking from their business to the bank, or from one stall to another, simply to ensure that your money is stored where it should be! Presenting the Vendor's Money Organizer (Venmo for short)! Using just the smallest amount of blood, the Venmo will mark itself as yours. From then on, any money placed in the Venmo by another person will automatically be transferred into your personal purse or into the bank vault of your choice. Additionally, any money placed in the Venmo by the owner can be sent to the bank vault or personal purse of anyone they choose. In both cases, the money arrives with a friendly message, informing the recipient of the successful delivery and source of their funds! The Vendor's Money Organizer is a small chest with an ornate, V-shaped latch. Upon first opening the Venmo, a small needle will briefly project from the base of the V, causing 1d4 piercing damage to the finger of the opener. The blood binds the chest to the opener forever. From then on, if a person puts coins in the chest, comments on the reason for payment, and closes the lid, the coins will be instantly teleported to the owner's purse, regardless of distance or plane, and the comment will be audible to anyone within hearing range at the volume it was originally spoken. If the owner puts coins into the Venmo, comments on their purpose, and closes the lid, they can send the coins to any location of their choosing. NOTE: COINS CANNOT BE TRANSFERRED WITHOUT A COMMENT.

Shane Jordan

Hello, Tortles! This product evolved from the backstory of one my players and turned into a fun mechanic to use for our campaign. My player’s character is a gnome cleric and survivor of an evil multi-level marketing scheme. Her character now wants to spend more time getting closer to her kids while warning others the dangers of pyramid schemes. In comes our big bad “Mary Fey Cosmic Cosmetics Corp”. Out in the world, my players confront regional salesfolks, executives, and celebrity promoters of Mary Fey and may loot limited use/disposable magic items created by Mary Fey. Magic tattoos are reskinned as makeup products (foundation, hair dyes, nail polish, etc) that require a short or long rest to apply and last 24 hours and have a limited number of applications (they may have any aesthetic affect the player chooses, it’s magic). There are also accessories with limited uses like the “Necklace of Fireballs” (1d6+3 beads on a necklace that can be thrown to cast as a 3rd level fireball) which already exist in the dungeon master’s guide. Here’s the other catch, an MLM cant guarantee QUALITY. so every item looted comes with a “Quality Dice” - rolling a - 1 on the quality dice causes the item’s effect to fail or backfire. For example a “necklace of fireballs” with a D6 quality dice will backfire on the user one in six times, and a “Foundation of protection” with a D4 quality dice will fail to give a user the associated AC boost once every 4 times that user is attacked. There are so many fun magic items in DND that can be made disposable if they aren’t already, which can add a fun sense of creativity and the need to change up strategies depending on the items currently at their disposal. The risks associated with using the items also add a sense of danger and can benefit the players if the failures happen as a result of enemies attempting to use the items. All I ask in return for this idea is 1 egg of questionable quality.

Kay

Hey Tortugas, are your divination wizards bored of mundane futures? Wish you could roll on the table of the fates a little more spicier, or rather, more *interesting*? Then I have the proposition for the aspiring psychic in your games that I’m sure they’ll love. Introducing the “Fortune’s Favor” subclass feat, replacing the level 6 “Expert Divination” feat that rarely is used anyway. Instead of situational usage of out of combat divination spells that barely trades off spell slots, borrrrringggggg, why not empower the main feature of the divination wizard, portents. With “Fortune’s Favor”, whenever you roll your daily portents, you can roll them at “advantage”, rolling two die per portent and picking whichever result you want. Instead of 8’s and 12’s that might, just maybe, work in a situation, how about more divine nat 20s and shout outs to the 2 crew? I’ve used this to great success playing both baddie diviners and giving it to future-adept players, so all I’m asking for isn’t any eggs now, but rather a 10% residuals kickback on all sales of this feat.

jacob brewer

Shello Torts I come to you today with a rule that as a DM has fucked my plans but been amazing for my players and in reality great fun as the DM.This rule was argued by my necromancy wizard player that healing spells should be necromancy not evocation and should be available to a necromancy wizard after some back and forth we agreed to a spell list of healing spells that they would be able to use. This was clutch in many moments in the campaign. I’m here today to sell the reclassification of certain healing spells, a curated spell list, and its interaction with the necromancy wizard for either 100 eggs for a 49% stake or an encounter design for a group that has a wizard healer that can heal 250 health a minute. Thank you

Cinnamon's #3 Fan

Tortles, I present to you a cure for advantage. You've spent years playing 5e, and advantage has carried you through many a trial and struggle, but haven't you noticed it's also the end of creativity? To be sure, it provides a simplicity for fast rules calls, but many a time I've found teamwork focused parties stuck when it comes to trying to aid each other. "I already have advantage" becomes the death knell of mutual aid. Well, no longer. Stolen shamelessly from the mech RPG LANCER, this is Accuracy and Difficulty. Accuracy adds 1d6 to a roll. Difficulty subtracts 1d6 from a roll. If you would gain Accuracy from two sources, you roll 2d6 and add the higher number to the roll. If you would gain additional difficulty, you roll 2d6 and subtract. This allows players to team up and add benefits to rolls that allow for greater success, while removing that feel bad moment where you roll double 1s. It also allows the DM to give the coveted 'triple Disadvantage' to really let a player know they fucked up. After all, you can always roll 1 on 1d6, but at 3d6, the odds get worse for a player. I'm offering a 71% stake in this idea for an egg that will turn into a little turtle I can be friends with.

Tykora

Hello Tortles, today i bring before you a never before seen magical item! BEHOLD! The Fugly Stick! This gnarled quarter staff not only deals 1 d8 of bludgening damage but on a successful hit you can expend 1 of 3 charges to disfigure your victim so bad their allies will see them as a hostile monster upon failing their dc 15 con saving throw and they will remain disfigured until they are either beaten back into shape upon a successful attack or healed to fix their new cruel fate. In return for this magical item all i ask is that you share "some of your time" , perhaps to discuse more of my wares? Surely as tortles you have some time to spare?

Kate Huss

Good Evening, Tortles. Has this ever happened to you? You and your adventuring party find some treasure! There's magic items, spell scrolls, and a whole lot of gold! Well, actually, it's 20 gold pieces, 120 silver pieces, 4 electrum pieces, and 22 copper pieces. Suddenly, the air in the room deflates as an exciting treasure turns into math homework as the coins are divvied up. The coins don't divide evenly amongst the players, and you can't remember which is worth more, an electrum or a silver. Is this a lot of cash? A little? What can you even buy with it? If D&D money doesn't feel real and tangible to you, you might be interested in my homebrew conversion rules for D&D Money. In my home game, every D&D currency is roughly equated to a number of American Dollars (players around the world can also use this rule, adjusting it as needed to the fit the currency and denominations they are most familiar with). A Copper Piece is $1 A Silver Piece is $5 An Electrum Piece is $10 A Gold Piece is $20 A Platinum Piece is $100 This makes money math easy to handle, but still keeps some variety in currency compared to the other shortcut of making all treasure Gold Pieces. Is it realistic to the cost of precious metals? No. Can you buy anything that costs less that $1? No, sorry, if half-pennies exist, my players aren't finding any. Does it work with the established costs of D&D materials in the Player's Handbook? Not always. But, I find it easier to think of what an item should cost and improvise prices when I have the comparison to real currency. You want some rope? Okay that's 1 silver ($5). What about a basic healing potion? Okay, let's say that's 1 gold ($20). What about the awesome enchanted Longsword from Swords R' Us? That'll be 20 Platinum ($2000). To make this aspect of treasure hunting even more fun, I got some 3D Printed fantasy coins for my players to collect and use at the table. I don't own thousands of them, so we're dealing with pretty small amounts of treasure most of the time. It's not a money-focused campaign, but I think the props add a fun collectibility element. Whether or not you bring in prop coins, I think the adjusted conversion rates for D&D Currency can lighten up any table, making treasure easier to understand and making shopping trips less of a hassle for both the players and the DM. Unfortunately, I don't understand the conversion rate for eggs, so I'm leaving any investment up to you wise tortles.

Kenzie

Hey there Tortles! Have you ever rolled a Nat 20 Dex Save against, say, a breath weapon, and still gone down due to half damage? Despite rolling a freaking Nat 20?! My players have. It kills the mood at the table and new players especially find it discouraging. Therefore, I present to you: Nat 20 Dex Saves grant Evasion. It’s what Dice Christ would have wanted. All I ask for in exchange is a Fireball’s worth (8d6) of eggs. And I’ll tell ya what, if you Crit, you can have the idea for free.

Cpt_Daddyy

Sup Tortalinis! Today I bring to you not a new mechanic, nor a homebrewed item, but a NPC from my very first campaign. For just a dozen of your sweet fertilized eggs (that will be fed to my snake) I offer him to you. His name you ask? Why it's The Knicker of Nuts. An old, hunchback human with the Dexterity of a cat. He hides in bars, posing as a 'mysterious cloaked figure' waiting to be interacted with. When your characters do interact with him, without warning, he will attack their nuts with a magical toothpick that deals exactly 1 point of damage. My players love him and so will you!!

tim.

Greetings to one of you! To the others, you know what you did… We all know ship combat in dnd sucks and has no good way to evolve over the course of a session, and as a DM of a pirate based campaign i had to come up with a solve and I think it could work for all vehicles in DND. Introducing the Crew Score™️. The player at the helm controls the ship on their turn. Let’s say your ship has 50 Ship HP, this would mean you have 5 Crew Score™️ (10% of the ship hp). That means you can do 5 Ship Actions on your turn. An action could be something like using the ship’s movement speed, firing a cannon, rolling for repairs, etc. Let’s say you take ten damage of that 50 ship hp. Now that your ship hp is 40, your Crew Score™️ is down to 4 and you therefore have only 4 ship actions left for your turn. And so on. It gives the DM an opportunity to target either the players or the ship and gives the players a simple way to engage with vehicle combat without having to get too into the weeds of mechanics! TLDR: The captain controls the npc crew on their turn, and as the ship gets damaged there’s less crew available to order around. Other players can individually do crew actions on their own turns, or act as usual. I’m asking for one premium egg so I can raise the child as my own

J.T.

Good morrow, Illustrious voluptuous torts, today I come to you with an exciting opportunity: We’ve all experienced the thrill of rolling that sweet Nat 20 on an attack, only to be let down by the damage dice. You’re telling me that I land a critical hit, only to end up doing *less* damage than I would if I barely hit the enemy’s AC?! That’s where this homebrew comes in. When you crit on your attack, you simply roll your extra crit dice and max the initial damage. This makes a critical hit *feel* like a critical hit, and adds to the excitement of that sweet, sweet Nat 20. Of course the enemies in your campaign will also benefit from this, it’s only fair. I offer 100% ownership of this incredible homebrew for a measly 18% royalty, in perpetuity, to be paid in eggs (wet or dry)

RichPanda

Esteemed Tortles and the wrinkly Tortle James, I come before you today with an opportunity unlike any other. A weapon, a companion, and—if the worst should happen—a successor. I present to you Sto’rag, the Sentient Blade. At its core, Sto’rag is a +2 greatsword, but it is so much more than that. This blade is, in fact, a Mimic—one that has chosen the form of a weapon, not to deceive, but to conquer. It communicates with its wielder, offering strategic insights, battle-hardened wisdom, and an insatiable drive for victory. But the true innovation of Sto’rag lies in what happens when the wielder falls. Should they fail their final death-saving throw, Sto’rag refuses to accept their fate. Instead, the blade takes over. The wielder’s body is restored to half of its total hit points. Their Strength and Dexterity increase by 5. Their Wisdom and Intelligence decrease by 5. But at that moment, they are no longer just themselves—Sto’rag now controls them, pushing them forward in battle with renewed ferocity. And after the encounter? The wielder is gone. Their body belongs to Sto’rag. The player must roll a new character, while the weapon-wielding entity that was once their hero marches on, living out a new existence of its own making. Some may call this a curse. Others, a second chance. But I call it a once-in-a-lifetime investment opportunity. That is why I stand before you today, asking for one bajillion tortle eggs in exchange for a stake in the future of sentient weaponry.

Nick P

Hey Torts, isn't it fun when the ominous potion vials resting on the dark shelves of witches' and necromancers' lairs come with an element of risk? Today I bring you one of the risky brews that I have placed in my Wild Beyond The Witchlight campaign: the Potion of Reaper's Bargain. When imbibing this viscous black and white liquid, the player rolls a luck check. On an 11-20, the next time they would be reduced to 0 Hit Points in the campaign, they pop back up with 1 HP. On a 1-10, the next time they would be reduced to 0 Hit Points, they automatically fail their first Death Saving Throw. For this idea, I am asking for 10 perfectly spherical eggs to fund R&D for future risky concoctions.

Juhmes(Jums)

Hey thar Tortles, This item was made for my healer who hated having healing wasted. This makes them less hesitant to use big heals on their turn by offering a unique buff and potential for power gaming. Perfect for your uncharismatic cleric or *too* charismatic bard or paladin. *** The Sometimes Ending Bag of Lifesaver Mints A dainty pouch of a soft velvet fabric in shades of green. Despite no apparent reason the bag rustles loudly every time someone reaches in. As an action a creature can consume one of these mints. The mint's effects last for 1d4 hours After consuming a mint, any healing the creature receives that is over their hit point maximum is gained as temp hp for up to 1 hour. The creatures breath becomes minty fresh for that hour and they gain +(whatever they rolled on the d4) to charisma skill checks when within 5ft of the creature they are trying to influence. Regain 1d4 mints at the end of any day where mints are consumed. *** I'm on a diet so I'm offering this for one egg white omelette, one of Jake's acai bowls and a pint of nutmilk. Dealers choice which nut.

SockRat

Greetings Tortles, I have an invention that will rock the very fabric of your fantasy worlds. We've all heard of the immovable rod and the antics a party can come up with. But a rod can only do so much. What if you could mold the rod into different forms? BEHOLD, the Immovable Putty (patent pending)! As the name implies, you and your party will be able to mold this putty into any shape within a 6 foot cube. Once you are satisfied with the form, you can press the button embedded into the putty and presto! An immovable molded object! The possibilities are limitless, but some examples may include a disc a humanoid or two can stand in mid air upon, a putty wall providing quarter cover, and so much more! Torts, all I ask is for Murph to call me a "Jabroni" and two illustrious tortle eggs. Thank you!

Comrade Capybara

Talofa lava from American Samoa, Tortles! I DM a pro-wrestling themed campaign for some of us cousins in the extended Anoa'i family. We have replaced inspiration with a homebrew called Momentum. Players can spend their momentum to pull off big wrestling maneuvers in tight spots. For example, you can spend momentum to do a Shawn Michaels kip up out of death saves or execute a finishing move that adds additional damage to your attack. We don't have any set momentum abilities, rather, players pitch what they want to use momentum for and if it makes enough kayfabe sense we run with it. For this contribution the Bloodline requests one egg. We then ask that you shine that egg up real nice, turn it sideways, and stick it straight up your candy asses!

catmuffins2377

Howdy Tortles, Today I’d like to present my idea for the Devastating Death Saves (Or Double D’s for short). Have your PCs become numb to being knocked unconscious? Death is pulling up to take them to the Grinch, but they don’t mind hanging on the stoop? Might I recommend adding the Devastating Death Saves? Now imagine prior to every death saving throw, your PC role plays a previous memory from their past much like the PC’s life is flashing before their eyes. This gives PC’s an opportunity to share (or improv) a little extra emotional backstory without worrying about how to bring it up in a ‘campfire’ situation. It can also act as a deterrent for PCs who find themselves constantly rushing into battle. As I have adopted this idea from an online blog that I can no longer find, I am asking for a sustained egg donation to local theaters, roleplaying groups, or local LGBTQ+ charities for a 10 % stake in the idea.

ASortaOkayBuilder

Hey hi and hello to you, Tortles. Have you ever had combat run on way too long, and become an absolute slog? Surely you've run into an encounter that doesn't warrant 3 hours of combat to conclude? At some point, I'm sure you've hit a point in the night that it's getting late, but combat is still going on? Today, I come to you with a very simple pitch: Critical Combat. A situational rule that once evoked, must be agreed upon by everyone at the table, as it can be very deadly. Everything does double damage. That's it! Spells, attacks… Everything. For context: It originally was a ruling I came up on the fly during a player's last session before moving. We've been playing an official module, and were within a stone's throw of the current arc's BBEG. My players, bless their hearts, want to see and interact with every single thing on the map, and thus encountered the Hag at about 10pm. I couldn't just end it there, as our friend and player was literally moving that week, and thus Critical Combat was born. It was a brutal but brief bout that ended with the party barely surviving, but the witch and her posse dead in a ditch. But more importantly, it ended in satisfaction! Tortles, while I understand the rule isn't perfect, I'm willing to offer any profits made off any retooling you propose in full, as well as a 51% stake in the original rule. All I ask is a small clutch of 3 eggs from each of you, along with your favorite omelet recipe. Thank you for your time.

Daveed

Cowafuckingbunga my renaissance painter named ninja tortles. Suck down some greasy pepperoni pizza while I drop some filthy, geriatric kung fu rat wisdom on your be-shelled cloacas. I'm crashing out in the tank, deftly changing the filter, and subsequently requesting your three most promising eggs, in exchange for this homebrew rule that you can use whenever you want after royalties and residuals. I present to you: The loot whore hoard. The premise is simple, but can help streamline some of your more loot focused party members' attentions on plot and intrigue. When a member of the party sees a piece of loot or simply any object in the defined world that they desire to have, instead of derailing the entire campaign to attempt to steal it, they can ask about its specs, and request that it be added to the loot whore hoard. At the DM's discretion (to avoid overpowered itemization, and to exclude key plot items), the loot in question may be added to a repository of loot that can be bought or awarded when completing a significant game milestone. Rescued the Queen's corgie from her jealous brother's spice girls themed managerie? You can finally snag that staff you'd been eyeing that turns your bones into oatmeal. Oatmeal bones. Thank you.

garett144

Hello to the three of you that natural born tortles and that one that is actually a ninja turtle pretending to be a tortle! I have a dozen eggs but I want a bakers dozen. So my idea is this, custom dice homebrew. We all know that one boardgame we own that has weird cool dice, ones without pips or numerals. For example the card game Ashes Reborn, or the board game Elemenz. These dice have such cool flavorful looks to them so what my idea is each player is permitted to bring one weird thematically appropriate die from their board games to integrate into a homebrew weapon or ability of the DMs design and players who dont want to engage with this can get non dice abilities. Yes this would create extra work for the DM to homebrew this but it would create this fun out of campaign game of hunting down obscure boardgames and whatnot to find weird cool dice. Maybe even do some thriftstore shopping or yard sales to find vintage boardgames with weird custom dice. So please appease the most discerning dice goblin in all of us, who thrive on a curated collection of curiously creative clackers. Are you in or out?

Ivan Kay

Greetings, Torts. At tables I play at, I often find myself and others forgetting about two big features: backgrounds and inspiration. To try and make these features more relevent, I have married them and frankensteined them with inspiration from other systems. When making a skill check, the player can choose to invoke their background, granting them advantage on the skill check given that it relates to the background. For example, a character with the Sage background would not get advantage on a skill check to recall information, but could get advantage on a check to search a library for that information. Similarly, if a player thinks that the character's background would hinder a skill check they may invoke it to get disadvantage on the check but would gain inspiration for their troubles. All I ask for this idea is a latte served inside an eggshell.

Adarsh Nednur

Good evening, Tortles! Here's the problem I hope to solve: spellcasters are strong, but playing them feels weak. You're squishy and clumsy—which is fine—but in exchange, you only get to cast cool magic a few times a day. You're always bumping into your limited spell slots. Is this really the fantasy? Do we feel like we're bending the world to our will? Imagine a fighter saying, "Sorry, I’ve used up my four punches for the day." Absurd. And yet, that's our reality. No more! My pitch: a second type of spell slot—Spell Slots for Bits. Outside combat, a spellcaster has infinite Bits slots for flavor. These spells can’t grant meaningful bonuses to stats or rolls, and any damage is glancing or temporary. But otherwise, Bits spells can be used creatively and indefinitely. DMs may even award inspiration for especially good roleplay or spell use. I’m happy to workshop the details and defer to the Tortles' wisdom. All I ask in return is 13 scrambled eggs and a bunch of salt and pepper packets—for 99% ownership.

zach stewart

Tortles, I come to you bowing my head as must complete a punishment. You may remember from the Millennial Stitch D&D court episode that I had submitted a case about having given my Wizard a Grimiore of Hunger, only for him to exclusively cast fireball. Well I have the Grimiore here and as per my punishment I will just be giving this to Torle Axford. The Grimiore of Hunger is a cursed dark Grimiore, with the sentient soul of one of Acererak's minion trapped inside. The Grimiore consumes all spell books within 5ft of the book if the Grimiore is only missing 3 of the spells in the book. It does this without the time or cost associated with copying spells. The consumed spell book is absorbed into the Grimiore and cannot be recovered. The soul inside the book pushes the holder to find more and more spells, but if the holder loses their spell book, they can no longer cast spells as the book has been feeding on them. (They will get them back per DM's solution, please don't just take away your spellcasters ability to do anything without a solution)

NADDPOD fan and barmitvah'd man, it's Dave O

Bien venue power bottoms, I present to you today a simple way to keep your players healthy and provide advantage; Pisspiration. Now we all know that your average DnD player is not drinking enough water, both in and outside the session. What if we could provide a free benefit to drinking a gallon a day that their PC could use? With my patented process your players will playing and pissing with the best of them. Now I know you're wondering, how does this work Dave? Why are you standing in my kitchen? Why is there so much blood? Let me answer your questions all together by explaining these simply mechanics. Each player will be given a gallon of water to drink throughout the session. If they can finish the gallon before the session ends, they will have earned inspiration for their character that they will have to use before the end of the next session. Simple, easy breezy beautiful cover girl. To you fine and majestic tortles, I am looking for initial funding of $1.2 million in bearer bonds and a burrito bowl from Chipotle for 12% of my idea. Thank you for your time.

Shel B Kennas fav SG is welly’s number one felly

Hey There Centortles, you look lovely in your tanks today and do I have a pitch for you :) We are all familiar with the deck of many things, but often people are hesitant to engage with it because it can derail campaigns, or if they do engage, it puts a character in a gem. What if there was an update that increased interest and provided players more agency so they’re less angry at their DM for the results? Enter the Deck of Mild Things (DMT). A midifcation of the deck we all know and secretly fear. Move the decimal point of valued based cards (ie the gem card is now worth only 500 or 5,000 gold instead of 50,000) and the story based cards become less severe or rewardsome, to the DM's discretion and a luck check for how well or bad it goes in your favor. This allows for fun goofs, more palatable gotchas that dont devastate or derail story arcs or create one OP'd player that can cause party imbalance. Picture walking into a seer’s store and they offer you the opportunity to pull from their slightly dusty, lightly bent DMT stack. You pull.... the squire card. a Level 1 knight who you now have to protect as they grow their prowess, an investment that will (hopefully) one day pay off into your own guardian of the bags. Centortles, I humbly ask for 5 egg investment so i can de-spider my printing press and get these published, in return you will recieve a 30% cut of all back end profits and be on the card box cover of the special edition sets we will be selling to hags and fortune tellers across the realm of bahumia.

OopsHotdog

Tankalicious tortles, I come with a simple rule. Mental checks in combat suck (ie Perception, arcana, investigation). By the book, they use your full action, and it is usually a total waste of a turn. I propose that a check such as this simply uses half your movement speed as you need to focus carefully for a moment. I've run this in a brief family game and it didn't seem overpowered as the information you would get isn't usually game-changing, and it lets players with strong mental stats feel more useful in combat. I do not ask for any eggs as payment as eggs are disgusting, and I dont believe in currency. Thank you kindly you beautiful wet bastards. (Note: I'm talking about 5e rules, idk the newfangled ones)

Dave Rife

Tortles, has this ever happened to you? You're trying to roll a check in a skill that you are HORRIBLE at. It's a high DC and even with a Nat 20 it's mathematically impossible. No? Is it because you have a DM that treats 20s as an auto-success? That's awesome! But there are many less fortunate players that are forced to make DC checks with no chance of success. For them we've developed "Exploding Inspiration!" With Exploding Inspiration impossible DC checks are a thing of the past. Once per long rest when your character rolls a Nat 20 on an ability check they dig down deep and find the burst of adrenaline to potentially push through to success. Simply roll a d4 and add it to your 20. Did you roll a 4? Well that burst of adrenaline just cranked itself up another notch! Roll that d4 again and add it to that first roll. As long as you're rolling 4s on your adrenaline die that number keeps on climbing! Need to lift something heavy off a teammate but you're a simple wizard? Explosion! Trying to recall an important piece of knowledge but you like to hit things other than "the books?" Explosion! Do you need to convince someone that your hairy green disguise is so realistic that heck, you might even be the Grinch but your charisma is abysmal? Explosion! I'm looking for a small investment of one dozen Cadburry Eggs to make this feat (or feature) a reality!

Noah Coleman

Shello Tortles, Has your arcane trickster or multi class rogue had to shy away from anything other than utility spells due to sneak attacks limitations? We'll look no further than the Sneaky Spellcaster feat! With this feat, any spell that requires a spell attack roll may have sneak attack applied to it, as long as all other conditions of sneak attack is met. Multiple "ray" spells ie. Scorching ray/Eldritch blast can only have sneak attack applied to one hit, and damage is added as the damage type of the spell. For 49% stake in this fantastic feat, I am asking for 76 eggs and help eating this delicious cake that my mother brought over for my birthday.

Tim C

Tortles, have you ever

Noah Coleman

Ps. Hoping to give this to one of my players in a campaign I'm running, so any suggestions/notes are appreciated!

Christian .H

Greetings Tumultous Tortles! I humbly present the Cabbage Cane: a green, leafy vine- tangled cane that spawns 1d6 cannibalistic cabbages. They appear as floating cabbage heads with rows of shark teeth. The cabbages will attack whatever the player commands, dealing 1d6 damage each. However, the cabbages are hard to control: the player must roll a d4, on a 1, the cabbages will attack and attempt to consume the nearest creature with thier shark teeth. The cabbages cannot be dismissed, and have 1 hit point each. The cane has 3 charges, without a cooldown period. I would like 253 eggs and 73 omelets for my chaotic cane contraption!

Harrison March

BEHOLD: The Anagrammer’s Spectacles. This many-lensed piece of artificery allows the wearer to once per day rearrange the letters in a spell to achieve a new effect. For example, Healing Word could become Healing Drow, adding an extra 1d4 but only when used on a follower of Lolth. Fireball becomes Brail Elf, summoning an agreeable fellow who adds blindsense to the party. Recognizing that this is mostly a lazy re-skin of the Ring of the Grammarian, I will part with it for 0 eggs. Maybe just name the episode “Rotten Talk”, which is an anagram of Tortle Tank. Thank you for your attention to this matter.

Quack Dragon

Shello Tortles, Do you have a vampiric lord in your campaign who just doesn’t know what to do with the all of those pesky peasants? Well might I introduce you to the “Bloodstar” by filtering blood through thousands of people the “Bloodstar” gains immense power. It becomes a +3 magical item that when buried in a vampire’s heart can easily transform their blood into any weapon they desire with some added necrotic or poison damage. The “Bloodstar” also gives them access to magic which allows them to empower their body and potentially escape an unnecessary death. Tortes I am asking for an investment of 4 of your bloodiest eggs for a 40% stake in my company.

Harrison March

P.S. I know that’s not how braille is spelled. Cut me some slack.

hobblelobble

Tortles have you ever wanted a little TV-MA spice for your campaign? No? Well I’ll tell you anyway. One of my players wanted to be a burnt out stoner, so I homebrewed them The Mellow Bong of Brain Warp. It grants a bonus to insight and persuasion, but a penalty to stealth and deception. It has as many charges per day as the player has levels of spells (cantrip counts as one too). Each time the player takes a bong rip they must also roll for a brain warp (stacking wild magic mechanic), and on a surge they forget the last thing they learned regardless of its importance. My player has forgotten meeting their romantic interest, as well as a clue they put in their own pocket. Tortles, the proof is in the pudding- rip responsibly!

Daveed

I really like this idea!

CrowsNestCraft

Jurassic Druid Cult: Sup heroes in a half shell, My homebrew element isn’t an item or a rule change but a secret society. I know Murph loathes dinosaurs and said they are uncool. I however like them, but have a hard time picturing them in most settings. My solution? A society of Druids that have been around since the last sightings of extinct beasts. They pass the wild shapes down through their order over the centuries by showing the younger members on their pilgrimages. I pitched this to a player as a back story and he ate it up. The idea is the Druid starts with a Raptor(cr1/4) or something with a similar cr. Then as they level up they go to different temples along their journey in areas of the world. Then prove them selves in some fashion to the keepers of the beast shapes and earn new extinct forms kinda like gym badges. For example his next form was an iguanodon that had more hp and big stomp attach. When a swim speed was aloud he got a plesiosaur, I made a mini with a platform saddle to hold the party oppa Lapris/Appa style. The society was easy to place narratively in their travels and a natural way to have dinosaurs without being too goofy. All I request is a single egg from the Eunotosaurus(prehistoric turtle) for 25% ownership. Thank you for your time! John @CrowsNestCraft (shameless plug😅)

DJ Matty Lil Crits

Greetings my Tubular Torts and baby turtle Jake being pursued by circling seagulls. Do your divination wizards want to embrace the most prolific of divinatory practices? I present the Tarot Deck Portent. When "rolling" for portents, have your wizard instead draw from a tarot deck, and let the cards determine your fate. The major arcana are already numbered 0-21. for 1-20, it is as simple as using the card's number. If your wizard draws the World (21), they gain a free extra portent of whatever number they choose. However if they draw the Fool (0), they lose one of their portents for the day. I am asking for an investment of 1 crusty city pigeon egg with a huge dick that scares people at the park, I just re-listened to that short rest.

Denali Smith

Tortles! Have you ever felt like combat is too predictable and the base game is just a little too base? Well I have the solution. In my home game I’ve developed a method where my players work together. Instead of holding actions they do team up actions where they are both allowed to make a check that is related to their action such as, athletics for melee or arcana for spellcasting and can combine their actions into one SUPER ACTION allowing a small benefit of your choice in combat. Such as a Gust of Wind spell and a dagger throw could increase the damage and range of the dagger if both roll successfully on their respective checks

An_Armed_Bear

Tortles, I come with a proposal to enhance the Dragon half of your Dungeons and Dragons experience with an improved Breath Weapon attack. Rather than an all-or-nothing attack that relies on a dice roll to recharge, dragons now have a pool of damage dice for their breath weapon, and choose how many to spend whenever they use it. They recharge 1/3 of their total pool every turn (to match vanilla dragons recharging 1/3 of the time on average). With this, not only are dragons more consistent, but you can give them much more personality. For example, you can have a crafty, sadistic dragon that likes to toy with its prey by using weak attacks until it gets angry. Or an impulsive, short-tempered dragon that spends all of its dice up front. I ask for one dragon tortle egg for this idea.

Erik Boudreault

Greetings your Tortlinesses, I bring to you a proposal of great significance! Are your players bored of the day to day hacking and lashing of DnD? You walk up to the big bad and hit, he walks up to you and hits, on and on with no movement in sight? FEAR NOT! Now there’s BATTLEFIELD ACTIONS! These play out similarly to lair actions that give your PCs a reason to shake off those legs and use that 500 ft move speed Mr monk has. The idea comes straight from your favorite MMOs! It goes as such, when a enemy or boss finishes their turn they activate a Battlefield Action such as readying an attack that will target the last PC that hit them or charging up for a huge burst AOE that needs a certain threshold of damage to break (like concentration) or perhaps there are summoning circles on the ground each party member needs to stand on to prevent a summon. Or my personal favorite, a blast attack that targets a single creature and does MASSIVE damage but will split the damage to anyone within a 5-10 foot radius, so your players need to group up to weaken the overall damage taken by one player. I present these battlefield actions and ask for just a measly 10,000 eggs for 0.3% of my business (In THIS economy? 😉)

Thom van Tijn

Hello Tortles! I come to you with an exciting way to make combat and the game in general now dynamic! It's called popcorn initiative. Instead of the boring old way of handing initiative, try this new method. Players and the DM still roll to see who goes first, but after that the person who goes first gets to choose who will follow them. Do you get all your attacks in early and hope to kill the boss, but leave yourself open to a counterattack? At the end of each round the last person to go will choose who starts the next round. I'm asking for one Tortle Egg White Whiskey Sour in exchange for this intriguing new approach to initiative.

Agents of DAMNED

Shello, tortles. I have a 2-part pitch to finally breath some life into d&d's most under utilized weapon: the Dagger. Nearly every class starts with one, but it never gets used, even though it's the iconic rouge weapon. My solution: new fighting styles. The first is called "Knife Fighter", and allows you to use a bonus action to make a number of attacks with a dagger equal to your proficiency bonus when you take the attack action on your turn. Please note, that this bonus action must be used before you take the attack action for it to work. My second fighting style is called "Bolognese Duelist" (sorry if you don't know how to pronounce it, I don't either), and uses the dagger as an off-hand weapon. While dual wielding with at least one of the weapons being a dagger, you gain +1 to AC. In addition, if you would be attacked, you can use a reaction to add your proficiency bonus to your AC for that attack. This reaction must be used before the attack is rolled. If the attack misses, you get to make an opportunity attack as part of the same reaction. I'm asking for 51% of your eggs in exchange for 51% of my idea, effectively trading control of my idea for control of your eggs.

Rumi Tuesday

Tortles, I offer you a steaming cup of Average Joe. If memory serves, a few hopeful en-turt-preneurs have pitched ideas for averaging dice rolls. I have the solution. Average Joe is a potion lasting 1 minute (although duration can be tweaked). For the duration of the potion, the player rolls two d20 whenever they would roll one d20 and takes the average of the two rolls. As a variant rule, a nat 20 or a nat 1 takes precedence over the average roll. If the player rolls a nat 20 and a nat 1, the player gets a nat 10. For an ability check, the nat 10 results in the most mundane result possible. A nat 10 applies as normal for saving throws and attack rolls. I’m offering a 49% share in this idea for one string of tortles plant. P.S. Naddpod got me to my law school graduation last May, so I’m available to serve as amicus to the Supreme Crit upon appointment.

Lisa Delia

Good day to you, Tortles. For many folks, a big part of D&D is getting to be a little flirty with your friends. The horny bard is a classic trope for a reason. But in an expansive campaign, or with a character whose tastes are rather open, how do you decide how you feel about any given NPC you encounter? You can’t want to bone down with EVERY one of them (unless that’s your thing), so how do you decide? It’s a simple roll of the D20. The higher the number, the more attractive your character finds the NPC. But on odd numbers, you *would* bone down, and on even numbers, you would *not*. This allows for a wide variety of attraction levels, with a 20 indicating something like “You are the most beautiful creature I have ever seen, but I wouldn’t dare besmirch your perfection with the sins of my flesh,” and a nat 1 meaning “Sit on my face so I don’t have to look at you.” This is my gift to the greater D&D community, so all I ask of you is one of your horniest eggs. Thank you.

Donny

To the tubular tortle titans of industry and Jake the tortle tortellini, Have you ever messed up a campaign by giving your players too much flight? Did you cave when that one friend literally begged you to let them play an aaracokra? Did your other friend say their warlock witch was incomplete without a broom of flying? If so, let me offer an egg for an egg and introduce the Tactical Egg. Simply put, the Tactical Egg makes it a little harder to come up and a lot harder to go down. This homebrew rule treats increases in altitude like difficult terrain and decreases like a free dash action. This means your players don't whomp your earthbound giants just by sailing too high above those clouds. And with a free dash action on the table, your players will not feel limited so much as they feel like they have a new puzzle to solve. After all, you can't dive down if you don't climb up! Side effects may include bomber jackets, sunglasses, and complaints that you added too much realism to the game even though the real-life tactical egg is way more complicated and all this is a drastically oversimplified version. All I ask is an egg for an egg.

Whever

Hi Tortles, I come to you with an idea that three of you might enjoy and one of you will probably hate. Have you ever rolled a Nat 20 on a skill check that meant nothing, and then rolled like trash when it really mattered? Well, then the Amulet of the Fates might be calling to you. With the Amulet of the Fates, you can choose to store that narratively unsatisfying Nat 20 in the amulet and then roll again, using the second roll. You can store only one Nat 20 in the Amulet at a time, and it must be used within an in-game week. If you roll a Nat 1 while the amulet is holding a Nat 20, it nullifies the amulet's charge and the amulet is now empty. However, if you roll a Nat 1 on a pivotal roll while the amulet is empty, you can choose to store the Nat 1 in the amulet instead and roll again, using the second roll. Perhaps the Fates will smile on you and bring you a better result, but beware: they always extract their price. By storing your disastrous Nat 1, you are committing to using that Nat 1 within the next (or current) combat in-game. Choose when to use the Amulet wisely, my Tortle-y friends. I ask for no eggs, but merely a moment of your time and consideration. May the Fates smile on you. (I scuttle back into a shadowy corner, cackling ominously.)

MellE

Good afternoon Torts, Let me introduce you to Elisabeth's Commoner Method. Rather than having straight 10's across the board, commoners would have 7-12 each assigned once to a stat. It means that, like people, they've all got strengths and weaknesses. I usually assign them by rolling a d6 to see which stat is highest and then second highest etc. This is also how I do pc stat generation. Have them assign the 7-12 as they would like and then add 1d6 to each of them in order. It has the homogeny of standard array but with the variance of still getting to roll dice. It trends towards keeping pc stats close together but also gives them the choice of what has best odds to be highest.

Alex Leon

Hey tortles! Id like to present the of idea "The Devils Bargain" 😈 Have you ever wanted to roll successfully at a critical point in your story only to critically fail? Well now you can have fortune on your side with help of a little Devil magic! With the Devils Bargain you can replace that Nat 1 with a Nat 20! In exchange The DM gets to replace a future Nat 20 with a Nat 1 at their discretion. This bargain can be made multiple times per campaign but can only used one at a time.

Josh Levitt

**BEHOLD, THE ARCANE ARM BLASTER!** Tenacious & Trepidatious Tortles...I bring you the Arcane Arm Blaster, an absolutely sick firearm weapon to bring Samus- or Megaman-style blasting into your D&D game. This bodacious Blaster has a +1 to hit, does 1d10 force damage, has a misfire score of 1, and cannot be removed from the player's body except by magical means. It is powered by an Energy Cell with 50 charges, after which the player must purchase or locate a new Energy Cell to replenish it. In exchange for this kick-ass canonical cannon, I ask for just one egg with a smiley face drawn on it.

BigComfyChesterfield

Why won't you all galapago to the travelling shop in our setting, Gerrals Imperfect Imports: Gerral is a Gnome wizard who travels the realm collecting discarded and forgotten arcane items and resells then to fledgling adventurers. At imperfect imports you may find: - the boot of speed/jumping/climbing/etc., we have the matching set but it seems the enchantment has started to wear off on the right boot. You can absolutely use its ability but you may accidentally veer left or right on a 1d4 odds evens roll. - the glasses of disguise, a pair of glasses that just make your eyebrows grow bushy, a moustache forms, and your nose grows.... you still kinda look like yourself but you get a +1 to deception and a -1 to intimidation. - the amulet of water blowing, I think whoever created this may have attempted to make an amulet of water breathing but now whenever you exhale... you exhale water but can breathe underwater. - the circlet of speak with animals, its makes it so the wearer no longer speaks any of their known languages and only verbally communicates in growls, whimpers, and snarls.. but they can communicate with animals. Also, before 2024 weapon mastery we just gave battle masters way more maneuvers and gave magic martial weapons X# of a maneuver per short rest.

Juicy_Lumps

Greetings Tortles and Peace be upon your eggs, Today I bring you a solution to jumpy players buffing themselves prior to a fight. With so many great class features requiring actions or bonus actions to come into effect. Many players try to jump the gun of a fight to get themselves ready without wasting their first turn on buffs. Let's get rid of this anxiety altogether and allow players to focus on the story and not worry about combat optimization. I'd like to introduce you to the "BATTLE START!" round. This special round occurs when players have not been surprised and allow the players to choose between a number of actions before a combat: -Players gain a bonus action to buff themselves at the beginning of combat (i.e. rage, shield of faith, expeditious retreat, Circle of the Moon Wildshape) -Note that this buff cannot deal damage (no summoning spirit guardians with enemies in range) -Alternatively, players can use the bonus action to reposition themselves with up to half of their movement speed (cannot enter or leave the reach of an adversary) Combats rarely surpass 2-3 rounds in home games and BATTLE START allows players to get combat-ready without wasting their first turn psyching their characters up for battle. Let's jump right into the meat of a fight at the top of the first initiative and let players battle enemies at their peak performance. I wetly ask for 3 pre-buffed eggs and offer 31% of my company. I am open to being bear-hugged as long as you give me half a second to enter a rage first. Thank you

Cody Wright

Hey there tortle’s (Shout out to campaign 2), you know how good it feels to roll a nat 20 on an attack or spell and get to roll those sweet sweet double dice. I’d like to bring that to heals. My pitch is that when you cast a spell that heals actual hp damage, (not giving temp hp) you roll one D20 plus your proficiency bonus. The spell save DC is 10 plus the spells level. On a fail you only heal half of the dice total. On a pass you heal the full total. And on a Nat 20 you can roll your double dice like any other crit. I’ll give up 99% stake in this idea for all of Loudwell’s eggs.

Jackson Tressel

OH BENEVOLENT TORTLES, ITS IMPARITIVE THAT YOU AND AND YOUR FOLLOWERS FINALLY HEAR THE FIX FOR ROLLING FOR STATS!!! Sorry to yell, but this is a problem that I am aware of all too often, with an amazing fix that is not well enough widely known, which is why I am offering you pay for my egg costume as I travel around the world preaching this good news But what is the problem with rolling for stats you say? The player to player variation. As a DM, you can only do so much for those poor Murphs and Caldwells trying to make their stats not negative, as the Jakes of this world fly higher and higher and Emily’s wonder what will become of this terrifying dichotomy. So, it makes much more sense to roll the stats together. Have each player sit down and roll for one or two stats. Then, those stats become the “standard array” for that campaign. The players pool all of their stats they rolled together and assign them differently on their character sheets. There are also conversations that can be had about lowering scores to make others better if the table agrees on that. The most important part of any of this is that each player WILL start with a same base, and will only go lower if they prefer to. And rolling for stats keeps its risk while suddenly making the process of rolling for stats a group check. Overall, I can understand that it’s not for everyone, but I hope that by listening to me my dear omnipotent turts that someone out there who needs this idea can see the light. Thank you for your time

Hal Martenson

Hey tortles - I've brought you all laminated proposals that match the slide deck that my assistant is putting up on the screen behind me. They're waterproof, so I'm just going to go ahead and drop them in your tank ... there we go. We've all been there. You're DMing a campaign that is rife with mystery, plot threads, and duplicitous NPCs. But your horny cleric/bard/paladin can only think about seducing every single handsome male NPC you put in front of them. What are you going to do, narrate a date sequence for every single guard your amorous cleric rolls a Nat 20 persuasion check against? Not anymore, with the D6 Kinsey Scale. The Kinsey Scale, created by the renowned sexologist Alfred Kinsey, categorizes human sexuality on a numbered spectrum - perfect heterosexuality is labeled at 0, while perfect homosexuality is labeled at a 6. In game, when one of your players starts making eyes at an NPC that you've barely managed to come up with a name for, simply roll the D6 to determine the NPC's sexuality. Of course, there are no 0s, because no one is perfectly heterosexual in D&D. This dice roll adds a bit of randomness and surprise into random interactions with between players and the world, as well as adds some complication into interpersonal relationships, particularly for an amorous cleric of Cord who has seduced not one, but two of the primary villains in my campaign. We need a strong business partner to make this important work a reality. I'm offering a 50% stake in the D6 Kinsey Scale for the low low price of four FERTILIZED eggs.

Katy

Parthenogenesis (noun): reproduction by development of an unfertilized usually female gamete that occurs especially among lower plants and invertebrate animals. ...but not only plants and invertebrates can achieve this. Tortles, have you ever wished for your lizardfolk character to create a miracle? After learning that female crested geckos could undergo parthenogenesis and basically make clones of themselves, I was inspired for my lizardfolk PC to undergo this journey. However, it's not easily achieved; once an in-game month, I roll a d20. If I roll a nat 20, ta-da! The egg is viable. Otherwise, I just have a lizard period. Of course in the real world, parthenogenesis is rare, but this is a game of whimsy and with lizardfolk being more humanoid than reptile, I modeled my character's cycle to monthly and have given her more chances to acquire genetically identical offspring. I've not yet been blessed by Dice Christ, but why should childbirth ever be easy? I am giving YOU the opportunity to invest in this incredible act of God for just one (unfertilized but viable) egg. Thank you for the opportunity.

Keanu DRAMAFACE

Howdy Ho! Tortles touch your toes! It’s time for a stretch! Have you ever felt the need for a montage? But the mechanics of DnD make it difficult because you need certain things to happen but you can’t risk the rolls ruining it? Well have I got the solution for you! Delineate Narrative & Play! Or DNAP for short. Basically, you figure out what needs to happen and what can be modified on the fly! For instance, your barbarian is doing a montage to get the path of the eagle totem. It’s his characters level up so it has to happen. BUT, there are degrees of success. 10 or lower, they succeed, but their character will need to continuous training (maybe making it to where they can’t keep watch during long rests), 10 or higher is just normal and if they get a Nat or dirty 20, maybe an eagle becomes their friend. Play montage music in the background and have the narrative become the roadmap. For DNAP I ask for an egg that has a crack in it for my own personal reasons in exchange for 200% of the company + benefits.

Molly R.

Hi tortles, Is your party horny? Is your paladin constantly on the hunt for a nightly pal? Your ranger looking for some stranger? Do I have a homebrew rule for you! For the low, low investment of two tank decorations, you can be the new leading shareholder for The Late Night Shenanigan Rule. Any time a player wants to get busy with a new NPC, they have to roll a d20. If they hit a 1, then that NPC is actually a succubus. Roll for initiative and have fun!

Rollin Leavitt

Hey tortillas, Do you also worry about womping your players into a TPK, but want to give real danger and stakes to your fights? Introducing the Amulet of Apocalyptic Rebirth. It requires all party members to attune to it and for the players to die within 5 miles of the amulet. Upon all attuned creatures' deaths, the amulet reincarnates the attuned creatures into children born across the world and binds their fates so that they will find each other at the nearest safe location to their place of death once fate calls. They have the same personalities as before, but have lived entirely different lives with no memories of their past selves. Touching the amulet restores the memories of a creature reincarnated this way. This allows you to not pull punches with encounter design and keep the stakes high without the risk of needing to roll up a new character for the next session. For an equal share in the idea, I'll take a carton and rights to collect any eggs that you all leave behind on your brief journeys out of the tank for food and trips to the movie theater.

Nestor

Hello Tortles! I'm here to sell you on the idea of Magical College Majors! I DM a campaign that's set at a public college in the Adirondacks that admits students newly awakened to magical powers. I gave my players a list of Majors to choose from, all named after real college majors from the U.S. My players could choose from a variety of majors such as Thanatology (the study of death), Ethnomusicology (the study of music in its cultural context), Psycholinguistics (the study of language processing and comprehension), and Adventure Education (a program that trains outdoor educators, wilderness therapists, and other roles). Each major provides a unique list of spells as they level up or a free feat; for example, majoring in Thanatology gave characters access to necromantic spells like Revivify, Spare the Dying, Death ward, and Cloudkill, or a free Poisoner feat. I think this homebrew would work well in any kind of magical school setting and can open up the door for your players to take some unique builds with a lot of flavor behind them. All I ask is an honorary doctorate from a university of your choice, and an egg that can be my research assistant. Thank you!

Bajpie

Dear Tortles, I wish to pitch to you my idea for the small price of one million dollars. While I have wished to play a paladin for quite a while now, I have had difficulty in creating a character with an oath I feel particularly connected to. However, perhaps due to personal exploits, I have found myself drawn to create a new subclass of the Oath of Chastity/ Abstinent Paladin. I feel like it connects to well known stories and legends, while also offering a strong personal backing to an oath that would be fun to play around with. Some ideas for this paladin are channel divinity options to turn away fiends, undead, as well as temptations, as well as buffs to allies’s wisdom. Some later powers would include protections against being charmed. Additionally, some spells this subclass could get are the Hellish (Divine) Rebuke, Expeditious Retreat, Find Traps, Clairvoyance, Aura of Purity, and Banishing smite. My personal idea, which anyone is free to take, is to have taken the oath after being done dirty by a situationship and then either immediately breaking the oath to become an oathbreaker, or to have the temptation become a possible story point later in the game. Tortles, I understand that this subclass is a bit undercooked, but I believe with your monetary support we can build something special. Or not, I haven’t actually checked to see if someone has already done this.

Pendergreen's Bowflex

Shelloo Shellay esteemed torts! Have you ever played a one shot and gotten killed 3 minutes into the session? Cuz shell, I sure have many times! (My DM loves recruiting Yugos for these one shots.) SO here is the pitch: Instead of eggrolling a new character and awkwardly joining the party again, your dead character gets transported to shadowshell or s-hell or some other tortle plane where they switch subclasses and keep playing! Justify it how you will, but they continue to magically interact with the material plane and continue to do their actions as normal. Now their eggoal is to get their friends to join them! (by killing them). For a total of whatever shells you have left this will create unlimited new dnd court cases for years to come!

Justin

Salutation Tortellini's, have you ever been playing a barbarian wishing tank damage but also have sweeping strikes that hit multiple enemies? As a part of a barbarian class rework (will not write in the whole thing) I wrote I made two features which allow the barbarian for more interesting gameplay. The tanking option is called Brick Shit House which has 8 options which each barbarian gets one (will only show two for sake of brevity). The first option is called Sacrificial block which allows for the barbarian to take the damage of an attack for a creature within 5 feet of it once a round (increases at higher levels), the second is called Body Bunker which allows for the barbarian to be treated as an object for the purpose of blocking aoe spell effects to protect their teammates. The Aoe feature is called Earth Render which grants the following two abilites - - Wave. Whenever you take the attack action you can substitute one or both of your attacks with a wave attack. When you make a wave attack every creature within a 30 ft cone makes a con save, on a failure taking a number of d6s equal to your rage damage or half as much on a success. Structures and constructs hit by this feature take double damage - Fissure. As an action creatures within a 60 ft long 5 ft wide line must make a dexterity saving throw, on a failure taking a number of d8s equal to your rage damage, or none on a success. Structures and constructs hit by this feature have disadvantage on the save. Both of these are intended to spice up the fantasy of the barbarian in an interesting way, I want 34 yolks no egg whites for 41% equity in the homebrew.

Michael Griffith

Dearly beloved Tortles and Tortleees. I present you a much needed upgrade to the beloved Short Rest. Are you tired of being a squishy spellcaster, with not much hit points to begin with, which leaves your short rests essentially useless? May I present you the option, to regain small amounts of MP, in addition to your standard HP. By expending 2 Hit Dice, instead of health, you can regain 1 first level spell slot. Each spell slot recharged costing double the Hit Dice. This is balanced because casting cure wounds at first level will more often than not be less than using 2 hit die, but gives you more versatility with your magical abilities. At game breaking levels, at the apex, the legendary lv20, the most broken thing you can do is use 2 ninth level spells a day, which is indeed disgusting (but not the craziest thing imo), HOWEVER; to ensure fair play, an optional rule can be to max Spell Slot recovery to the level equal to your PB. Dear Tortles and Tortlettes, I present the Spell Recovering variation to the Short Rest, and all I ask, is specifically a CR 8 Tortle Egg. May it please the Court, Dice Jesus, and the honorable Tortle Lord

Calic Tolentino

Hello Toasted Torts. My pitch is a fix on one of the most frustrating feature of one of the most popular class: Warlock Pact Magic. All of us have been frustrated of being able to cast 2 spells slots between rest while those darn wizards and sorcerers laugh at us. I present an alternative that is already in PHB: The spell points system for full caster. I present just converting the pact spells slot into into the equivalent spell points. You can choose to cast multiple lower level spells or spend all your spell points on higher and more powerful spells. You will still regain all the spell points at the end of a short rest. This way, you are not forced to upcast spells, have versatilityon your spell casting, and still maintain the theme of asking favors from your patron. For this idea to take off: I only need your first layed egg unless you find my real name (Jake knows all about it)

Beau R.

Dear Fiscally responsible Torts, do you ever feel that regular damage types are too lack luster? At base they are simply different colors of damage that you choose in order to get around resistances. But what if each damage type had an intrinsic affect? My lovely tortals I present my DMs Homebrew. I refer to them as Eldenring status affects as that’s where the inspiration came from. Unless otherwise stated each instance of damage will do 20% build up of said damage type. If the enemy has had a status affect them then they receive half of the status build up to that status. There are some exceptions to this rule. Status Effects Bleed: Immediate 10% max hp damage loss Ignition: 2d8 damage on the igniting creature and any nearby enemy creatures in a 15ft radius. Increases to 3d8 at 5th level, 4d8 at 11th level, and 5d8 at 17th level Infection: 3 turns of 5% max hp damage loss at the end of turn Chill: 3 turns of resistances being negated to normal damage received, and normal damage types will become vulnerabilities. Immunities are unaffected. Chilled targets that are hit with fire damage or use a fire action will have the status removed Mania: Afflicted creature must pass a wisdom saving throw against their own spell save DC. If successful, the creature breaks out of mania and can act normally. If failed, the creature must roll 1d100 for a short term madness effect Siphoned: Afflicted creature must pass a constitution saving throw against their own spell save DC. If successful, the creature breaks out of Siphoning. If failed, all damage dealt to the creature on the following turn will be converted 1:1 into healing for the attacking creature Damage Type Changes Lightning: Half damage chained to enemies within 5ft Acidic: +1 on all rolls to hit Bludgeoning: 5ft reduced speed next turn on hit Force: 5ft knockback on hit Radiant: 1d4 healing on hit Thunder: 1d4 additional damage, but delayed by 3 turns after the initial hit Piercing/Slashing: 20% Bleed buildup Poison: 20% Infection buildup Fire: 20% Ignition buildup Cold: 20% Chill buildup Psychic: 20% Mania buildup Necrotic: 20% Siphon buildup (NEW) Accursed: Damage dealt by this type will be received as temporary cursed health loss. If another attack lands on a creature with cursed health, they will lose the cursed health along with the damage of the second attack. If a cursed creature lands an attack of their own before being hit again, they will regain all temporarily lost cursed health This change has added a lot of puzzle solving elements to combat and has made being a martial class more interesting as I have affects I can cause for long term affect. I humbly request 30,000 eggs that I might start my Roth IRA.

Alex Cornell

Salutations, Tortles! May your egglings make it from the shore to the ocean without Avian Interference TM. I am seeking the single waxiest egg from each of your clutches for a 35% stake in THE TELETOTEM. Scheduling, truly the greatest enemy of player and DM alike. It is one thing when several people cannot make it. Reschedule. But what about those pesky evenings when JUST ONE player is missing? It is so immersion breaking when suddenly one of the PCs starts drooling and becomes mute for an entire session. Enter THE TELETOTEM: a 7 foot tall pillar that resonates with up to 6 friendship bracelets that the party share among themselves. Anyone with one of these bracelets is able to teleport to a space within 5 feet of THE TELETOTEM after spending a minute concentrating on their bracelet with the incantation “There is no place like home.” Now the PC can head to the party’s current camp or safe house and do research, craft items, or other downtime activities in the context of the story! WAIT! You ask, HOW DO THEY GET BACK TO THE PARTY? Don’t worry. This isn’t carte blanche to teleport everywhere. While within 60 feet of THE TELETOTEM, you can use your bracelet to resonate with the others out in the wilds and teleport back to your allies by chanting the minute long incantation, “There’s no ship like friendship!” It takes at least 3 of the bracelets being in the same place to do this, so no shenanigans to be had by splitting up (can be adjusted for smaller parties). Now when just one or two folks are missing, you can carry on as usual without the robot companion. I look forward to inspecting your egg wax

Rainemaker

Greetings, to the most illustrious, respectable, and fortuitous tortles I've ever been blessed with meeting! oh. jake. Has someone in your party decided to be an aarakocra recently? Did someone want to have a homebrewed mothkin or fairy or something with every DM's worst nightmare: wings? Are you tired of these players dunking on your hard work and whomping your encounters from somewhere they are unable to be reached? Aren't you tired of being nice? Don't you just want to show them that flight is not infallible? If this sounds like you, I may have a solution. It's simple- and in my opinion- somewhat elegant. Concentration checks. It works exactly as it does with concentration spells. If you're in the air and you're struck with an arrow or a damaging ability? Make a concentration check to stay airborne. It doesn't necessarily need to be constitution. It could be flavored as dexterity to keep your wings moving in the rhythmic pattern they need- or strength to fight through the pain and beat those wings harder. It's a simple solution. But it adds a risk/reward factor to flying combat that I feel that d&d is lacking. This does, also, go both ways. The feeling a player could get when sniping a wyvern from the sky and watching it plummet for 8d6 damage would be honestly euphoric! Not to mention that this makes a DM not need to worry about putting flying things into their campaigns without needing them to land and play sub-optimally. Also another flight rule: a medium sized creature needs at least 10 feet of space total to get airborne. Make them deal with your trapped hallways. As it's such a basic idea, I won't ask for too much. I would just like six (6) eggs total that I can draw faces on and pretend they're the pokemon Exeggcute.

Michael O'Keefe

Dear Tortles, I’ll keep this as tight as Shae’s yoga routine: Magical tattoos. Specifically an expansion on magical tattoos from Tasha’s Cauldron. In our world it is possible to imbue tattoos with magical powers that either add new abilities or improve existing abilities. This generally takes the place of magic items as rewards, but not exclusively. The tattoos can be created by magic users with special skills and tools, which could be another player character. Additionally I like to give the player receiving the tattoo a choice on how the power manifests, and customize the effects based the source/flavor of their powers. For example, a sorcerer is able to use a magical “needle” to tap into the magic of the moon deity to give the soulknife rogue a tattoo. During the process the rogue can influence the shape the tattoo (and the magic) to enhance their psionic power. This manifests in giving them the ability to expend a psionic die to either heal an ally, or to add more damage to an attack with their blade. This promotes character driven story development with regards to rewards and class customization. Giving the players chances to think about and influence their character development in new ways. Also temp tattoos are a cool way to mimic consumable items.

Tophat Pete

The Last Stand. When a player passes a death save, they may invoke "The Last Stand"; the player takes an action at the price of converting the save to a fail. This player then cannot be healed by any means until the end of their next turn. 5 eggs for 25% of the business.

Paul

Hi Brine-an Surfy, Shell-mily Axe-frofth, Cald-shell Terrapin, Lake Surf-witz, and Zac 'Snapping Turtle Attack' (it's not that complicated) Oyama if he's there too. This has the potential to derail a campaign (and the podcast I guess), so use at your own risk. I present for your entrepreneurial approval... Witch's Hat of Transformation Wondrous Item, very rare (requires attunement) This crooked, wide-brimmed witch’s hat radiates an eerie power. It is adorned with small trinkets, dried herbs, and faintly glowing runes along the brim. Attuning to the Witch's Hat grants you huge magical gains, but hidden within lies a potent curse. Properties: Boon of the Witch's Wisdom: While attuned, the wearer gains advantage on Wisdom (Insight) and Charisma (Persuasion) checks. In addition, the wearer can cast Detect Magic at will and Identify once per day without expending a spell slot. Spellcasting Enhancement: The wearer’s spell save DC increases by +1, and they gain an additional spell slot of the highest level they can cast. Veil of Shadows: Once per short rest, the wearer can cast Invisibility on themselves. The invisibility lasts for up to one hour or until the wearer makes an attack or casts a spell. Curse of Familiar Transformation: Upon attuning to the hat, the wearer begins a hidden transformation process. After 10 consecutive days of attunement the wearer transforms into a familiar of the witch who owned the hat, taking on a small animal form of the DM's choosing, such as a cat, raven, or toad. In this form, the wearer retains their Intelligence, Wisdom, and Charisma scores, but their physical stats become that of the familiar. The only way to revert to their original form is to request, and receive, the transformation from the hat's original owner. To claim your stake in this incredible investment opportunity, I humbly request a tomahawk steak, cooked rare with a tortle egg (sunny side up) on a bed of romanced romaine lettuce.

Cam The Spooky Frog Man, William Schitz Cousin

Dearest tortles and tortlettes, I bring you my finest of ideas Have you ever wanted to play a 2014 subclass but your group is playing the 2024 rules, fear no more as I have brung you the wheel of the editions On this wheel there will be attributes/abilities from both 2014 and 2024 rules, both good and bad, and the player will spin the wheel. The amount of times spun will be determined by the dm but can be done for any class For example if you wanted to play a gunslinger but you have to use a 2024 fighter, boom now you can mix both into one For this idea I only ask for a hello from each of the tortles and that guy I think his name is Jack Black Any criticism is allowed and welcomed but I will bitch like the grinch

Lorelei and Kyra Newly Weds

Greeting old people, tis I Lorelei and I have a fun mechanic to annoy your DMs our there. In my campaigns there is an option to ad Prof to base AC. This shows the players progression of learning to dodge attacks and allows me to throw stronger monsters at my players. Who wants to be a level 18 wizard who can call down the stars themselves but still get hit by a goblin with a rock? Me.... But that's not the point. This alows your paladin at level 20 to rock a possible 31 AC. Does this sound obsrurd? Yes, until your throwing monsters with 17+ to swing and your realize you still need to roll above average. It makes your players feel like monsters themselves and the mechanic doesn't have to be used by everyone. Some players may prefer the challenge of being hit more often, like a souls game

Ali

Greetings to our Tortles so Littered With Gold they’re like the Turtle from Moana, Don’t you feel like, in those rare moments when every player lands a successful attack, things should just be a little sicker? A little umph that gives us the anime bullshit we’re yearning for? Introducing the Syngery Strike! If every member of your party lands a successful attack in a round on the same enemy, that enemy takes a little extra damage at the end of the round. Nothing crazy, just Xd6 where X equals the number of people in the party. Now, the party has an in-game benefit to that movie in their minds of their characters jumping off each other, shooting arrows into wounds just left by the fighter’s blade, the rouge sneak attacking the BBEG’s Achilles’ while they’re distracted by the Wizard’s Acid Arrow, etc. All I ask for this idea are your 4 ooziest eggs so I may raise them in the sewers like the rat I am.

Canadian Schubert the Mushroom 🍄

Shello and good tide-ings Tortles! Last tank time, I vowed to "fix" the Death Save Tarot Cards pitch. I'd like to first apologize, as "fixing" art is rude as sHell, and if you must switch to Clergy mode to punish me, I prostrate myself. But first, my take on Sophie B's awesome Tarot Death Saves! Wanna add more excitement and flavour to your death saves? Before you roll, draw a card from the Major Arcana to bestow a gift... or curse. The strength of the Magician card adds 2 to your roll, while drawing the disasterous Tower subtracts 2. With the Lovers, your struggle inspires an ally of your choice with a d4, while the Devil chains an ally with a negative d4. The Fool counts as a critical success without a roll! But of course, Death counts as a crit fail. All I ask as payment is two orders of Eggs Benedict for Sophie and I to have mimosas and chat over.

nullfi3d

(note: this should be read in the voice of a WWE announcer.) Good evening Tortles! Have you ever played a character who can be simple described as “built like a brick shit house?” Dumb, stupid, and incredibly strong? Have you ever wanted to make people scared simply by looking at your rippling muscles? Well, I present to you: The WWE clause. Intimidation is a skill that is very determined by Charisma. However, with the WWE clause, a character would be allowed to permanently replace the CHA stat for intimidation with their Strength stat! Think about it: if you’re built like a sack of bricks, someone’s gotta be scared of you! All I ask for in return for this idea is one little rotten egg. I don’t ask for much. Thank you for your time.

Jabbermilwaukee

Entrusted tortles of both lake and sea I have a small addition to my games that adds a bit of Shonen flair & gambling without breaking a fantasy setting. My pc's were coming up on their last bbeg, a vampire lord. To assure them the big bad could be defeated forever, without Undead shenanigans, I had a cleric enchant the party for 24 hours. The enchantment works like this: The party picks a word or phrase, like "kamekameha" or "domain expansion" as an activation phrase. When they hit the bbeg with a spell or weapon but before they roll damage they can claim that this will be the final blow. The dm looks at the possible damage they could deal and confirms that it is possible to kill the bbeg on this hit. If the player does manage to do enough damage the vampire will be forever slain and no amount of dm malarkey can bring them back. If they fail to do enough damage the player has used the enchantment to no avail and can not attempt this again. I have introduced a version of this mechanic into several of my games and everytime the players relished in the narration of thier final blow, shouting to the heavens of discord "omega plus overdriivvveee" while casting a 3rd lvl smite and some players even found more genre fitting war cries. Tortles, and esspecially Torlte'd Tanner, all I ask is for 7 of your most perfectly circular eggs for 30% of this homebrew which I have bottled in my garage and can't get rid of.

Chazz

Tortles I am seeking an investment of 500 eggs, for 51% of my 8bit book club inspired homebrew. I present “Choose your own adventure random encounters”. Are you tired of rolling for random encounters and just fighting highwaymen or wolves? Well let me introduce homebrew encounters time tested and inspired by Pick Your Path Adventures and Give Yourself Goosebumps. Whenever I have a fun (or just stupid) idea for a story or a quest or NPC but can’t tie it into the main story I add it to my list of random encounters. I will then give that random encounter an ominous name, “The Last of the Giants”, “Stand and Deliver” or “Ain’t no rule that says a dog can’t play basketball”. When it's time for my PCs to roll a random encounter, each player rolls a die (you may adjust the number of die rolls based on how many players you have/ how many encounters you have prepped.) I then read them only the name of the encounters they rolled and they pick which one they want to do. This makes random encounters feel more meaningful since players get to make a choice and many of my campaign's best moments have been from this homebrew, with some of the events and npcs going on to play major parts of the game’s main story.

Doglord Wetbottle

Good greeting is dear Turtises! I would like to offer for your investment consideration, a framework for DM's to make leveling less a mechanic and more a story element. Whenever your players are going to level up, insert either descriptions of what the player is experiencing or NPC interactions that will carry hints about their upcoming feat choices, new abilities to unlock or an upwelling of newfound power which will manifest as an ability score increase. An example of this could be that one of the local Rangers has captured a wolf that was terrorizing local sheep and the level one Ranger comes across that in time to form a beast bond with it before it is killed, or that a wizard has a moment of insight about the nature of magic when casting a lower level spell in a battle that will see them level up. Just a bit of flavor to help the DM's make the world feel more real and aid in immersion while players are role-playing their characters. In exchange for this idea I would like one egg that's really quite large but has no yolk. PS hate the show. Never heard of you

AustinGeeeeeee

Howdy tortles! Have you ever read through a module that asked for boring combat? Or combat with animals that your players didn’t want to hurt? Well shit, doggie, me too! My invention: turn that bitch into an ability check! Have each PC tell you how they want to handle the situation and pick the appropriate ability for them to use. Now instead of a boring slog of easy combat, the characters can really shine using what best suits them. Party about to be overrun by boars? The barbarian can try to wrastle them piggies with a STR check, the Monk can try to run around these hogs and corral them with DEX, and the bard can serenade these sweet swine into slumber with CHA. I’ve used this many times and it always leads to really creative scene painting from the PCs and lets you move smoother through the encounter. I humbly ask for one golden egg in exchange for 49.9% of my company. Take care now yall, ya hear?

Lia

Shello again Tortles and thank you for having me back! You might remember me as the owner of Auxiliary Familiars, I'm back with an update! As you might recall we brought to you the original prototype of the Compaion background. The thrice in a lifetime opportunity to create a bond so magical, that you'll have deep links in the souls (or not, should it be absent!) After several moon cycles with RnD, time spent with my company in the Fae Wilds building commune for hundreds of years (only months according to the timeshift) we've come to the conclusion that the main traits of the feat are exactly this: the bonds you share with allies! That's right, its based based on your bond type! You, as well as allies you bond to will receive big time bonuses! This means that these bonds can be shared among PCs as well! Warrior Bonds: Dedicated combatants in arms you bolster each other's strength allowing a +2 Str/Con modifier for you and +1 Str/Con for your ally, and once per long rest you may shout to your ally to give them advantage during combat! Social Bonds: days or nights spent building the strong connections that make our communities exactly that, us! +2 Cha for you and +1 Cha for an ally and once per long rest you can give advantage on social checks as well as animal handling! Or Makers Bond: as a part of the collective sharing knowledge you gain a +2 to int, wis, or dex and your ally gets +1 to one of the three, after all it takes the smart and the wise to come together. Once per long rest you can give advantage to skill checks that require knowledge of your trades! Be it history, crafting, cooking, or even lock picking for those rapscallions of the planes. Unfortunately the way the bond magic works, you are only allowed one active bond at a time with what you consider to be the strongest aspect between you and your ally. Here at Auxiliar Familiars we've moved away from corporate expanse into territories of making sure community comes first. Our last venture was successful (though the 20 acres we aquired shifts frequently and we are still trying to locate a tether) My Follettocapara (the goat goblin centaurs of my world) assistant Voxi has informed me you might have access to blessed gem eggs of the Saytrs of Trivella. We are asking for 3 of different hues, 9 kegs of spiced crickwater, and a celebratory dinner at tgi Fridays in exchange for 20% and a lifetime cleaning and service to your tank and equipment we will upgrade (wait til you see the new tech from the Fae Wilds!)

Canadian Schubert the Mushroom 🍄

Another fave of mine. The Emperor / Empress cards: The character reminisces on an important Masculine / Feminine figure in their life, and decide themselves whether that results in a plus or minus 1.

David Silva

Greetings tortles, it’s a pleasure to be here. Stats in D&D decide a lot so the ones we start with matter. As someone who loves rolling dice, I love rolling for stats but I feel bad when one of my friends ends up rolling ass but just above the need to reroll the whole thing. Some players are going to have good stats and some will be Caldwell. I’ve discovered a happy medium. You write down a number of rolling methods (3d6, 1d20, 4d4 reroll 1s, etc) and randomize them. The number and types of dice as well as any adjustment are fully up to you, but I would recommend something that bottoms out at 3 and tops out at 20 at the most extreme. You split the methods between your players until you have six different ones. (DM or other players can roll leftovers). Once those are rolled, that’s the stat array the whole group uses. All the fun of rolling but everyone has the same highs and lows. Also, you can blame someone specific for your lowest stat as a bonus! All I ask for this one perfectly hard boiled egg.

Ted

Shellutations, fellow business Tortles. Years ago, I wrote a high level adventure for a party of bards: a city-wide Battle of the Bands, where cheating is a time honored tradition, and a devilish conspiracy moves unseen beneath the musical chaos. The adventure was a success, but more importantly, it was a vehicle for an oceanic volume of puns. It is these which I offer you today. Tortles, visit the city that never long rests, where the Foo Fighters are actual Fighters and Arrow Smith smiths actual arrows; go toe to hoof with Megan Thee Part-Stallion, cross swords with Matey Gaga and her motley pirate crüe, or rage against notorious artificer Florence and her terrifying machine; venture deep beneath the Hotel California to the Velvet Underdark, where grateful undead plot to open the Highway to Hells; the Police are no help - with your golden fiddle in one hand and your pink pony club in the other, it’s up to you to ensure your audience comes to no harm…onica. All these puns, and hundreds more, can be yours for the low price of one egg with a music pun from each of you written on the shell. Whoever writes the best one gets the biggest share.

Armis

Shello Tortles! Let me ask you something. Have you ever felt worried that the magic items you're giving out aren't great for your players? Have you ever received an underwhelming item that didn't fit your build or character? If either of these are true, then let me introduce you to the Core system. The Core system allows players much more flexibility in getting their own magic items. How, you may ask? Well, monsters in the world will all have magical Cores, the quality of which depends on how strong that monster is. A goblin or kobold may only have a C rank core, while a devil may have an A or an S rank. If the players loot these cores off of these monsters, then the next time they're in town, they'll be able to expend these cores to build their own magical items, with effects based off of the monsters they got them from. Fought a creature that can do a big burst of damage? Well, now you can craft a sword with a built in smite effect. Fought something that's resistant to a damage type? By using its core, you can become resistant to that same damage type. The higher the tier of the core, the better the effect! As a DM, you control which cores the players can get, as well as what their effects are. You can also still gift out magical items that cores may not be able to make. You can rest assured there will be no more worrying about what the players might want, when they can make it themselves! The possibilities are endless with the power of the Core system! I only ask for one of your largest eggs, so that I may raise it as my own and teach it how to craft its own magic items.

Belligerant_Me

Howdy from the Southy dear Tortles, Tortlettes, and Tortlies! As someone who's run a Trickery Cleric for a couple years, I know well the lament of having a really cool idea that involves more than one concentration spell, so for the price of One Big Egg (tm) from all of you at the same time, I present... SPELL SEALING When a caster holds a concentration spell for 2 rounds without using their action, reaction, or bonus action until the end of their next round, with their movement also halved, they can spend 5 hp to seal a concentration spell into place for the full duration of the spell. After a spell is sealed, the caster can cast another concentration spell. The caster cannot seal another spell until they have had a short rest. You must be within 1000 feet for a concentration spell to continue, your life force is what’s holding the spell, and it needs to feel you nearby to remain activated. If it breaks you will have to make a DC 10 constitution save and return to the range quickly, or sever the concentration until it is re-sealed. Spells with infinite duration remain in effect until the caster has had a long rest, travels beyond the 1000 foot range, or dies.

Sable

Hello, good Tortles, and thank you for your time! For your consideration, I present: A Strange Old Coin! On one side of the coin is depicted a tall, cloaked figure standing in a shallow boat with a long pole in one hand and the other hand outstretched, palm up, as if demanding something. On the other side, an ornate hourglass. This coin is not part of any currency of your game's world and is obviously very, very old; PC's will be unlikely to know anything about it without some very niche knowledge and a high DC History check. Whoever carries this coin, upon suffering the misfortune of an untimely death, will initially find themselves waking in their spot of demise seemingly instantly after they went down. How much HP (and possibly Spell Slots at DM's discretion) the character recovers is to be determined by a Persuasion check by the freshly not-dead character. "A Persuasion check?! What malarkey!" Please, I know how it sounds, but let me finish oh benevolent Tortles! Upon investigation, the character will notice their Strange Old Coin is no longer on their person, and in it's place a scroll of old parchment detailing some favor to be done in return for one done for the character and a time limit on completing it. The character, now starting to wonder what this favor was, may begin to remember what happened while they were dead (possibly requiring a History check at DM's discretion) and will remember meeting the tall, cloaked figure (a flashback moment!). The figure, in exchange for the coin, will allow the character to literally bargain for their life! The aforementioned Persuasion check comes from this moment; the more Charismatic they are in this moment, the more favorably this figure will look upon them which is reflected in how much vitality the character recovers upon their resurrection. For this Wondrous and extremely Rare -nae, Legendary even!- item, Tortles, I would ask a humble investment of 100 eggs and a single slice of cheesecake.

Caelic Saerin

Good day, dear Tortles. Are you tired of your players losing morale over disadvantage? Does the lack of more-than-basic math in DND make you sad? Do your players find themselves in slightly disadvantageous situations that don’t merit disadvantage, but should still affect the outcome of a roll (ya know, it’s raining or something)? In exchange for 3 eggs from Waffle House, scrambled with cheese, I present the following concept: Mild disadvantage. Roll 2d20, and take the average. This would guarantee a higher roll than disadvantage, but still lower the total by some degree. To build on this concept, extreme advantage could also be employed by rolling 2d20 and adding the difference to the highest die. Please alert me before shipping my eggs, as they will be best served warm. Thank you for your consideration, and may Dice Christ save us all.

Cal

Well, Well, Well, we meet at last, Teenage-Investing-Mutant-Turts. To put simply. I suggest a rework of the cleric ability "Divine Intervention" into something more in-line with Gege Akutami's "Jujutsu Kaisen" binding-vow magic system. The Cleric can call upon their patron deity to modify, permanently, one of their abilities/spells. However, there must be a 'give-n-take' to the system, where a cleric must provide a 'sacrifice' of a new weakness. Example: Emily-ello is a 11th Selunite Cleric. She's fighting Shredder, (which is likely played by the Jaliff, somehow) and deicdes to call upon her goddess to give her "Guiding Bolt" spell the "twinned-cast" property of a similar nature to the sorcerer's Meta Spell ability. However! This cost's Emilyello both 2 first level-spell slots, and a 2nd level spell slot. And it's permanent. Emilyello cannot cast "Guiding Bolt" without also making the required sacrifice from now on. Are you ready to sacrifice 2 level one spell-slots, and a 2nd level spell slot for a chance at 8d6 Kevin-Costner (holy) damage, every time you want to use the spell? Big risk my turts, big rewards.

Natural Dragon

Greetings and salutations Tortles. I’m a DM. In action economy players tend to have advantages so Today I want to introduce my home brew of what do on a nat 1 when players are attacking. In my game if a player rolls a nat 1 on an attack roll they have to roll a d4 and the PC takes that damage. It’s only 1-4 damage and a DC 10 concentration check for spells. This just adds another fun lil mechanic to combats that usually doesn’t impact things to much but when it does it’s really impactful. One of The most fun experiences for me as the DM was narrating how the wizard stubbed their toe while trying to aim a fireball taking 2 damage but rolled low on their concentration check and lost concentration on the hasted fighter who was fighting the BBEG. What do you think? I’m willing to sell up to 99% of this homebrew. I just want the credit as a founder and board seat. Now make me an offer I can’t refuse. How many eggs will you give me?

Stick Haul

Hey Torts, Turts, and Tarts. Have you ever had trouble getting into a location with guards or some other variety of sentinel? Well, look no further. Today I present: The High-Visibility Vest. This vest, stitched together into a netting with octarine threads that reflect light from even the most meagre source, makes stealth nearly impossible: All stealth checks while this garment is equipped are made with disadvantage. However, it’s very functional as a general disguise, and deception checks by a wearer to enter guarded locations can be made with advantage. As payment, I'll accept advertising in the form of an NPC or PC in one of your campaigns being described as wearing the vest.

Serious goose (certified gamer)

The Tortles who require no introduction deserve none from me, so I will cut straight to the chase. As an often bitter martial character watching a caster’s spell DC progress seemingly every other level, I ask why non-magic gear cannot do the same? Why should a level 20 rogue not be able to place ball bearings or a bear trap more tactically or effectively than a level 1 character? Is there no love for a non-magic INT fighter? My solution is as simple as the Tortles are stinky (I assume that the tank is quite musty by now), the DC of non-magic gear should scale (DC= 8+ prociency+ Intelligence) instead of being a static number (I.e. DC 10 for ball bearings, DC 13 for hunting traps, DC 15 for caltrops). This change is meant to reflect the improvement of the character’s skill with the gear. A DC 15 for a character’s bear trap compared to a DC 13 means that the character was able to place it and disguise it more effectively than they used to, making it harder to detect and avoid. As a bonus if you adopt my idea, I’ll throw in my homebrew item: Pocket Sand. Sand that can be tossed as a bonus action from your pocket to blind your target if they fail a dex save. In return for my idea - and my sand - I ask only one thing: for the Tortle who claims this, I ask that you say one nice thing about each of your fellow Tortles OR about Chance, Shadow, and Sassy from Homeward Bound.

Will Brannon

Hello Tortles!! Inspired by Kids on Brooms/Bikes and never stop blowing up systems I introduce a way to bring misery to your players in your gothic horror campaign, nine hells adventure, or your frolics in the lands of shadow fell! SOUL FRACTURE!! On each natural 1, or whilst falling a wisdom saving throw against nightmares in a rest, players feel their soul splitting apart in the realms beyond. They get a d4, and essentially treat it as a bane against their attacks and saves. If they get another natural 1 it escalates to a d6, then a d8 and so on. This represents their will to live and mental state while in the darker realms of D&D!

Chief Parma John (Nate B.)

To the yoked tortles Brian 'softshell' Murphy, Emily 'Cooter' Axford, Caldwell 'Leatherback' Tanner, and their lackey pig nose turtle Joke, I come to you with the deal of the century disguised under a simple moniker. Beans Our D&D group has finally solved the blemish that plagues each and every players' character sheet, Inspiration. Beans, which seeks to replace Inspiration, perform two separate functions, encourage player participation, and lessen the workload of the DM. Beans work as followed: You have a Bean Cap of 5 Beans . When a player uses their character's personality traits in an interesting or meaningful way, interacts with other PC/NPCs to further an interesting narrative, or just has a good role-play moment that player may and should be awarded Beans. Any player may award any other player (or players) between 1 to 3 beans for their participation in said meaningful role-play on a scale of how well they performed or effort they put into the interaction. On any attack roll, ability check or saving throw you may elect to spend your beans in the 2 following ways. Before you roll, you may spend 3 beans to give yourself advantage, matching Inspiration which we have replaced. After you roll but before you know the results, you may spend up to 3 beans to modify your roll by that equivalent amount of beans spent. This new system is strong, but I want to reward my players who interact with their fellows and my world accordingly. I offer you tortles a 99% stake in Beans for the low cost of 1 fine egg, as I want to see my shared brain child flourish in the world.

Roger L

Sup torts, I had a party, that I was DMing, be overly concerned during their session 0 that someone needed to be a cleric or Druid so they could heal but everyone wanted to play martial classes. I made the rogue something called the “spiraled serpent dagger” that would heal its target when hit for 1d4 plus their con in case anyone went down and needed to be brought back up. They used it a number of times and saved a few lives all while everyone got to be the class they wanted.

Pontus Knast

(If my name is hard to pronounce you can call me P-Nasty) Hello honored tortles! I bow before you and present my simple idea - a small wooden figurine of a goat, that with a command word can be transformed into a real goat pulling a little cart. The goat is magical and remembers every detail about every business transaction you make while the goat is present. It can also talk, but it refuses to speak unless it's business related. I made this item for a friend of mine who wanted to play a merchant, but I'm willing to let the idea go for your best offer of eggs. And honestly you can have the whole thing, I'm just looking for some quick cash. Thanks, love you!

Turner Long

Greetings Torts and the oddly shaped armadillo, Jake, Who among you has not been befuddled by an unexpected Crit, derailing the session you spent so much of your precious time planning? A PC dies or too important of an NPC is charmed, by now you have seen it all. May I present to you the number one way to keep the session on the rails, without cutting it short. I present the “Buttclench BackoutTM”.Upon the rolling of a particularly unexpected and destructive crit, you the DM invoke the power of the Buttclench BackoutTM. Upon doing so you place a game of your players choosing in the center of the table. Ie. Mario Kart on the switch, shoots, and ladders (my players chose Hungry Hungry Hippos). This distraction of the players allows you, the DM, to temporarily step out of the room, wipe your DM sweat, and find a solution! Or just take a small nap to calm your nerves. I am asking for 1 egg with the most evil spirit for a 49% stake in Buttclench BackoutTM (I can be bought into a hostile takeover) PS. Much love 4 the 2 Crew

CENTSTARR

Hello my Dear Discerning board of Tortle Titans, Today I bring you a homebrew inspired by recent events in my life. It's Colossal! It's Stupendous! It's Even Mediocire! Recently after almost fourty years trapped in the south I moved up to my Dream city of Philadelphia, they gay rights were a selling point. That's aside the point though. Imagine, A tiefling fighter has to go on a side mission to find a rare herb to cure her ailing wife. However she's a champion, and worried the hordes of rats and plentiful ghosts will be to much for her Magic Spear. Whats worse the Wizard and Warlock she travels with are in jail for Tax Evasion. She is distraught so she goes for a thinking sandwich. When she spies a can by the cash register with an odd cap and nozzle. She asks the man as he gives her her steak and by george wouldn't you know?! “IT'S A CAN OF WIZ WIT!” Why yes friends this limited use non rechargeable magic item is a doozie, never worry if your caster is sick again. It can cast Wizard spells based on the Flavor the DM decides. Says the level it casts at right on the tin! Spicy: Fireball Sichuan Tingling: Lightning Bolt Pesto: Summon Fae Sharp Cheddar: Summons a crotchety old Wizard/Cheesemonger Named Jack who will help out for 24 hours before he really must teleport back and check on his shop. HE HAS A REAL JOB YA YUTZ! And Many More for the creative DM! But what is the Wit you ask? Thats what makes this item fun. You see Wiz Wit has a special bottling procedure that always brings the flavor. Roll a d10 or d100 whenever a charge is used and make a custom chart if your the DM or use the Sample Below. Every spray of Wiz Wit has a large chance to add a little extra to your Dungeon Dish. D10: 1- Sleep, The user falls into a sleep or trance for at least one round, may be woken normally. Racial immunities do not apply, overeating comes for us all. 2- DANCE PARTY, the flavor overtakes you everyone in the combat shows off their best dance moves. Attacks and Spells can still be cast normally, but every roll that round is based on performance. 3- Too Spicy! The user takes fire damage equal to 1d10 per spell level. Con to reduce to half Damage. 4- Bad Batch, everyone within a 5 foot radius of the target of the spell must make a con save or spend the round throwing up. 5- Stale, reduce spell level by 1, if impossible the spell fails. 6- Life Changing, the player rolls a d4 and calls even or odd. If they Win it targets the Target, if not it targets themselves. DM rolls on the Reincarnate table, the target uses that race for the next month or until a greater restoration is cast. 7- Lifestyle Brand, You feel good about yourself. Heal 1d8 per Spell level. 8- Limited Edition, The Spell is cast 1 level higher. 9- Small batch Wiz, No side effect except the user is filled with delicious flavor! 10- Jack's Own, Gain another attack action. A DM might insist the user must have Cook's Tool proficiency to use it, or even the Chef's Feat. This little can of beauty is fully customize-able both for effect and side effect. For instance it could make the next player's roll like golf rules where lower is better. Murph would like that. You can have a controlling share for the low low price of some eggs for my Tortle preserve and a thinking sandwich. Respectfully yours, Emily, No Not the cool Emily Axford, the Disaster Transbien One. XD

Ryley D

Hey Tortles!...when did we get an Armadill....oh...never mind. So I've been DMing for 8+ years and something I've struggled to make is fun Bard Battles. Ever watch School of Rock, staring Jack Black, and think why aren't there more Battle of the Bands in D&D, with so many Bards it only makes sense. Well here is my answer. 5 round, Battle of the Bands: The players will be given 5 rounds to get the highest performance check total. Each round the player(s) will roll a performance checks. Each check, 10 and above (after modifiers), will be added to a rolling total, any roll 9 or lower (after modifiers) will be subtracted from the total. The Band with the highest performance check total after the 5 rounds wins. You may gain advantage on their checks if another players give up their performance check and would like to assist with stage effects or work the crowd, this will give advantage for the round to all the players on the stage performing. The performers may also hold their action, to gain advantage on a following performance roll. (As if setting up for a long solo or something similar). Play tested my players had a blast with playing their Bardic Rivals and absolutely whomping them. Tortles I only want 1 prestine egg and half of the royalties in eggs later. I await your decision.

BullywugNugTug

Shellom, my off-green friends! Have you ever felt that the help action was, I dunno, boring, one-sided, and doesn’t take into account how MUCH a companion could either help OR hurt a check by helping? Feel that no further! I bring you the modified help action, which is best explained with a fabricated example: A druid, let’s call him the Grinch, needs to roll a perception check to see if anything is amiss in a crick. They roll a mod 9, which they don’t feel too good about. They ask their ranger friend, let’s call him Jim Carrey, to assist. Instead of the Jim Carrey just granting the Grinch advantage with the help action, Jim instead rolls his own perception check, and gets a mod 18. PAUSE. Y’know how an 18 core stat gives you a +4 modifier to said stat? We apply that idea to the help action, where Jim Carrey’s roll of an 18 grants the Grinch a +4 to their 9, giving them a 13. Additional rules are as follows. Any help roll that exceeds 20 follows the same logic of even numbers becoming a new modifier (I.e. 24 gives a +7), and any rolls below 10 on a help roll INHIBIT and subtract (when someone is “helping” you but honestly, you’d be better off doing it alone). Furthermore, a nat 20 on a help roll grants +10, and a nat 1 grants a -10. As egg prices are simply through the roof, it would be unkind of me to ask for any eggs. Instead, I would like to ask for 1 buffalo tender dinner from a classic upstate NY turtle-themed restaurant, Tully’s. Thank you for your time, and although we are not in church, may Dice Christ bless you!

Zoe the Purple

Greetings, Tortles! For a d100 percentage stake, I offer you my home brew Mind Walker class. Have you ever struggled with creating a magical master manipulator? Have you ever wished that your party had someone who was as nimble and quick through the mind space as a monk in all terrains? Well, look no further! Here is the Mind Walker. This magical martial class is for those characters who are especially adept at knowing people and using that knowledge to advance their goals. This class starts out with an Unarmoured Defence and ability to cast Divination spells but then, as they gain more experience, can read and control minds, astral project themselves and others, possess another, puppet someone else's body, and finally reshape another's mind. Good for a party trick or a mission of secrecy and subterfuge, the Mind Walker is a valuable addition to any party. I bury my eggs under the sand now so that the little baby tortles may find their way to you upon hatching.

alyssa winterburn

Tortles of the Tank , i struggle to balance combat for small parties . So i concocted a magic item to help spice up combat , help to round out the party and give myself an easier job designing combat. I present the Pop-Up book of ancient Myth. The Pop-Up book of ancient myth contains 8 pages detailing a hero of old. each page contains fun flavor text describing the hero’s deeds represents a different basic class (cleric ,barbarian,wizard ,druid, fighter , rouge , monk , sorcerer) depending on the smallness of your party they may choose 1-2 pages to read aloud and conjure the ghost of the heros to fight alongside the pcs in combat (taking mainly support roles) I used this item in a on shot with 2 friends , they loved their ghostly cleric + barbarian companions and it gave me an easier time balancing combat for 99.9% stake in my item i would like your most legendary egg so that i may add a ninth page to the book.

Logan Nash

Hey tortles Who are not teenagers, mutants or ninjas, but instead savvy business turtles, DMPCs are occasionally looked down upon and for understandable reasons, some battles however it helps to have extra people on the players side for extra damage and support, but obviously you want to have the NPCs who help you have some reason to help them, My solution is very simple and also helps newer players learn about the different roles: rotate around different DMPCs, for instance say they're about to enter a large city with a large crime network Maybe have a rogue help them learn the way around the city and the secret hiding locations, Maybe have a ranger help navigate them through a forest, maybe they even have to rescue a character in order to get their help, the main pros of this is that every time you show them new classes They might get interested more in playing them, And also gives more characters in case of a party death, an extra person wanting to join. All I ask for is one egg that is boiled one egg that is not boiled and then one egg shell And then maybe three "rewr"noises from Murph. thanks divas

Tonglin Dangolier

Good evening turtlefolk who canonically only live to age 50 (look it up), I am here to present my take on a concept that has frustrated many: the healing cantrip. Many attempts have been made to Homebrew one, but most are overcomplicated, underwhelming, or just plain lacking in flavor. What follows is the new cantrip Unnatural Vigor, and is suitable for both players and dungeon Masters: Unnatural Vigor- Necromancy Cantrip -You induce a surge of adrenaline in one creature that you can see within 60 ft that has at least 2 hitpoints. The target takes 1d8 necrotic damage and gains a number of temporary hit points equal to twice the damage taken. If a creature would be reduced to zero hit points by this spell, it is reduced to one hit point instead. This spell can target more creatures when you reach certain levels- two creatures at fifth level, three creatures at 11th level, and four creatures at 17th level. In exchange for my idea I ask for no eggs, only that I be added as a beneficiary to the Tortles' estates, as Tortles only live to age 50 (seriously, look it up).

Dillon

Good evening transcendental tortles. I bring you a basic, but effective homebrew to give your players that special coup d'état moment. This is... the badass check! Whenever a spell or attack brings an opponent to within 5 hit points of death I call for a badass check. If the player rolls above a 15 (no modifiers) they defeat the monster and get to describe a sick badass finisher. At my tables I have found this encourages descriptions of attacks beyond "I hit it with my sword". I am asking for your most badass egg or egg equivalent for a 25 percent stake in the badass check.

Liam Nicholson

Good day to you rambunctious reptilian ragamuffins! I bring to you a more powerful version of the Sleep spell, Sleep Walk! It will work similar to a combination of the Sleep and Command/Suggestion spells, it will require a high level cast due to its potency, but basically if you succeed on putting an enemy to sleep, you will be able to use a bonus action to move that enemy half its move speed, and work like an Unseen Servant. You can also attack with that creature but they will snap out of their Sleep condition if they deal damage or take damage. I’m looking forward to your thoughts and your investment! And hey leave Amirs buddy alone, he goes alright! P.S. Shout out to the Monday Madness DnD community at General Games Chirnside Park!

taro ! (he/they)

shello tortles! time and time again, this tank has seen pitches for what to do when spellcasters run out of spells but want to do more, but in a balanced way. i present: exhaustion levels for spell slots! at a 1:1 ratio - you gain one level of exhaustion per level of spell. with this rule you wouldn’t be able to do more than 6 total levels (lvl 6 of exhaustion is death) but they COULD do like, a 3rd level spell, one round then a 2nd level the next. i feel like exhaustion is enough of a deterrent that this will only be used in dire circumstances (example: a tense revivify for 3 levels of exhaustion to save a beloved character). i am seeking but a single egg in these trying times for 20% shares. thank you benevolent tortles!!!!

Sam H

Good Afternoon, oh Turt-ans of Bahumia! (In my best Billy Mays voice) HEY DMs! HAS THIS EVER HAPPENED TO YOU? HAVE YOU SPENT INUMERABLE HOURS CRAFTING WORLDS, LORE, PANTHEONS, AND ENCOUNTERS ONLY FOR THOSE STINKY LITTLE "CALDWELLS" TO ROLL A NAT 20 ON IF THEY CAN CHARM A BAD GUY BY FLOSSING? HAVE YOU MADE A STORY THAT WOULD PUT TOLKIEN TO SHAME ONLY FOR YOUR PLAYERS TO "FUDD" YOU WITH THEIR BUGGSIAN ANTICS? NO LONGER! INTRODUCING: THE MURPH COIN!!! ANYTIME YOUR PLAYERS PULL SOME BULLSHIT AND THEY HIT A NAT 20, FLIP A COIN. ON A HEADS, YOU GET TO FREAK OUT TARUK-STYLE AND MAKE THE PLAYER(S) ROLL AGAIN. ON A TAILS, LOUDLY YELL "FINE, YOU WIN", AND TAKE YOUR COIN, YOUR TINY "L", AND THE LAST SHREDS OF YOUR DIGNITY AND LEAVE. ORDER NOW AND GET A FREE GRINCH COIN (player flips and turns into chaotic-evil Grinch on tails). All this can be yours for 11 easy payments of 59.99 (eggs) plus shipping and handling. Order now!

HP the Rat

first time caller here with my personal self insert subclass if i were in a fantasy world. the paladin subclass Oath of the Sweet Leaf. "We are Keepers of the Cannabis and Protectors of the Vibe. The Green Knights, the Smoke Smiters, the Toke Teachers. We spread the sweet leaf love, fight for the freedom to enjoy Earth's bounty, and just foster a good fuckin' time, y'know? If I'm hanging in a tavern with my bros, havin' some drinks and havin' a smoke, chillin', and some ruffians come in harshin' the vibes-- you can be sure we will harsh them right tf back!" - Dil Kushdig's inauguration speech as The Grim Reefer, High Paladin of the Order of Sweet Leaf. The sacred mission can be summarized as such: Blaze it. 1. Be the Reefer you wish to see in the world. 2. Let the good vibes be available to all who seek it. 3. Awesome are those who know their limits. 4. Zen with the right to defend. 5. Elevate minds and souls about the truth of Earth's generous gifts. I await your razzing, with love, Hannah Pat the Rat

William Thebeau

Hello Tortles, lets get right to business. Have you ever been putting a game together and run into the party composition problem that nobody wants to be a healer? No clerics or druid or even paladins and rangers? May I introduce: Heal-bot! This tiny friend is a little mechanical cleric, with some interesting features. It has commoner stats but cleric levels equal to the lowest level party member, and you can spend a bonus action in combat to command heal-bot. The command can be direct like “heal me” or vague, like “help us”, Heal-bot will do its best (up to dm interpretation). Heal-bot doesn’t rest, rather it regains spell slots by the PCs channeling hit die into it. Had a tough fight, can’t rest, and heal bot is tapped out? Channel unspent hit die into heal-bot, 1 per level of spell slot being returned, and rush along. Now, here is the thing. Channeling your hit die, your mortal essence, into a conduit all the time has some consequences. After having 100 hit die channeled into it, heal-bot starts taking on some character traits of the party members who give it hit die and exhibiting some free will. Now we have ourselves an existential conundrum! Whoopsie! Your players can now grapple with that or bury their feelings and press on! This idea can be yours for the low, low price of a dozen eggs. Just a dozen, I don’t eat eggs that much.

Dunces and Dingbats

Hi Tortles, it’s a pleasure to be wet with you. I come to you with a pretty straightforward pitch: The Adversity Token The Kids on Bikes systems have a few mechanics that really embrace failure, and this is an attempt to adapt one of them to 5e. Limited to one per player, each coin has 3-10 charges, depending on campaign difficulty. The token gains charges any time the player rolls a natural one, and those charges can be used to add to a failed roll. Some DMs might like to impose a “not valid for nat 1s” rule, which is valid. This item is not intended to devalue the critical failure, but to elevate it. It’s perfect for a little extra push, letting PCs draw from their worst failures to dig deep, succeeding on checks they were close to without removing the value of a loss. Nat 1s rule, and for tables with player who simply roll bad *ahem* this little token can make them even more engaging and important to the story. All I ask in return is one fertile egg to raise as my own, and a sopping wet 6-inch meatball sub. Thank you for your time

Kelly M

Esteemed Tortles, I present The Wand of Procrastination. A wand that can be used to postpone unwanted interactions. The wand has a number of charges decided by the DM and can only be used 1X per long rest. Targets will make a DC 13 wisdom saving throw or be sucked into the wand, only to return at a time chosen by the DM. If the wand breaks, all contained creatures are released at once. Similar to procrastinating in real life, the affected creature becomes stronger upon return from the wand, regaining and hp, spell slots, etc. and is hostile towards you. The wand can be used on the same creature more than once, however, they will become stronger with each subsequent use(increased challenge rating/level). Tortles, you can have this with any improvements you see fit. All I ask is for 1 small, speckled egg and for the Trinivale Triplets to suck their landlord into the wand to avoid paying rent.

Sean Stellato

Greetings and shellutations, Tortles. Today I am here to present the homebrew rule of Natural Talents. Has your level 2 character ever felt like a natural 20 was wasted on a flavor check, such as rolling activations on an extra cartwheel to enter a room? I present to you the rule of Natural Talents. Once per level, up to level 3, a player may permanently add a +1 to an ability modifier that they roll a natural 20 for. Not only will this encourage more delicious, flavorful actions, it will also develop unique RP elements with skills that are often forgot (looking at you, animal handling). My fellow pond ponderers, I am willing to part with 50% of Natural Talent in return for 1 egg to hide for each of my nieces this Easter. Thank you for your time

William Thebeau

Tortles, here I am pitching a home rule change to a vexing concept Legendary Resistance We all know the pain of hearing that an enemy failed a pivotal save, only to shrug it off with their autopass, but what is a DM to do? Let their precious bad guys get whomped by a bad save? This change seeks to address this problem. Legendary Resistance now becomes a reaction an enemy takes before rolling a saving throw, adding a bonus equal to the proficiency bonus of a creature that level. A CR 20 creature trying to resist a Dominate Monster spell? Use that reaction to add 6 to whatever their wisdom save already is. “But Will, won’t players just try to overwhelm the monster in a single turn to burn its reaction and hit it with other saving throws?” Yes, but by giving the creature an extra legendary action and the ability to use legendary actions for another instance of Legendary Resistance, the DM and players now have some strategic action economy choices to make in battle. This idea can be yours for enough eggs to cover a car dealership sized building.

Doonkers

Eggs-alted Tortles, Today I would like to propose a fun new mechanic for the enterprising DMs looking to spice things up: dynamic potions. We all love being handed potions of healing from our DMs, yet in many campaigns we see them excluded, or simply made into an extremely rare commodity. After all, why would players use healing spells or even choose a support focused class if their barbarian can just chug a raw egg and save the party’s spell slots for some offensive spells? Herein lies my solution: make them somewhat unstable, a bootleg alternative to healing spells. When players consume a potion, they must roll a D20. On a 6-19, the potion works as normal. On a 2-5, the potion fails. A Nat 20 results in the potion healing for double, and a Nat 1 results in the potion revealing itself to have secretly been a Potion Mimic that hid itself among the others. Through this, players will now be forced to consider carefully if they would like to burn valuable spell slots for guaranteed healing, or spend important action economy on a gamble with a Healing Potion. Tortles, I offer you a 50% stake in my idea for the low price of each of your single squishiest eggs.

Ghostcat

Greeting tortles! Your humble hatchling presents to you The Medal of Mediocrity. This item lets you become the master of the mundane by once per day allowing you to choose to not roll a skill check but instead take ten plus your ability score plus your proficiency bonus of that given skill. This item is perfect for the times where feel confident your skills should have you succeed, so long as Lady Luck hasn’t determined otherwise. You lose the chance to crit and the sweet sweet feeling of rolling the dice, but guarantee that you won’t be doomed by a critical fail when your character by all means should be able to succeed. All I ask for in return of this idea is your most perfectly average egg.

JustVeryMundane

Tarts, Have you ever eaten M&Ms and realized , man these are toooooo big, May I now introduce mini m&ms, they’re like small m&ms But smaller. I’m requested a ride to the airport next week for a 6am flight, and in return you can have 100% of the idea as I don’t wanna be sued.

Alex S.

Shello and Glug Glug torts, I am asking you to shell out 3 premium tortle eggs, or 300 peanut m&m eggs from the local CVS for 49% of my homebrew. Have you ever been on the eve of a large battle trying to gather your forces? Are you tired of sending small woodland creatures, kidnapped goblins, or your bumbling squires all across the realms to be snatched up or delayed? I believe I’ve hatched *wink* a simple solution. The Level 3 spell “Sending” and its weird restrictions is a personal favorite. I propose that this spell scales up with additional spell levels. Presenting level 4 spell, “Mass Sending” that would allow you to get up to four creatures of your choosing to join you on the same line (like a conference call) for up to one minute. From gathering your allies at dawn, calling out your enemies, or simply everyone talking over each other related shenanigans, Mass Sending has you covered. Bring the group chat right to your table.

Icaruss

Dear reptilian Egg-selencies! May I present to you: Pollis magic beans! This is a small pouch of 3d6 beans. A bean can be planted in soil while singing a magic song, upon which a beanstalk, approx 10ft tall, quickly grows, culminating in a circle. You can climb the beanstalk and enter the circle, where you will get access to a 20x20ft pocket dimension. The floor, walls and ceiling of the pocket dimension is tightly woven beanstalk and leaves. This beanstalk version of rope trick persists for 24 hours, and then withers away. Anyone and anything inside is suspended in the aether until a new beanstalk is grown. Unlike rope trick, this cannot be concealed by pulling the rope inside, however the opening can be closed by pulling a large leaf in front of it from the inside. The leaf is as strong as a wooden door. Only one beanstalk can exist at once, so you need to wait the 24 hours to plant the next. In return for this item I ask but one thing: Please do not eat the beans.

Charles Bake

Tortles and tortlettes, I come bearing an idea most shell-tacular; Schrodinger's Bag of Holding - the trick for dm's who are too lazy to figure out how much gold is in a bandit's pocket. This functions like a normal bag of Holding, however inside lives a bag-man named Schrodinger who serves as a banker. Party members may put in a deposit into a savings accounts that acrues interest either daily or weekly, with differencing rates for each. Bank customers may also engage in a risky account that invests in Faerun's stock market (5% chance daily to lose money instead of gaining money, with the potential upside of greater earnings) I leave the tortles with a bag of their own to invest their own eggs. In return for the copyright to this idea, all I ask is for each of the tortle's least favorite eggs - Schrodinger likes his eggs sunny-side up.

Dr. Eggman

Hi! Sorry, excuse me! I'm just here to restock the eggs (none for jonk) 🥚🥚🥚🥚🥚🥚🥚🥚🥚🥚🥚🥚

BrawlerCarnage

To the tortles of the board (and that board is floating in a tank) I have a simple yet powerful pitch. My characters and I were in a world where I introduced chaos as its own elemental type like fire or acid. The kicker was if any player, when rolling with advantage or disadvantage, rolled a 20 and a 1 at the same time, chaos would take over and they would gain a character specific super move. One cleric put the party back to max health, one fighter got an instant one shot on the next non-boss attack, etc. For this I would like one head of lettuce and one lettuce for Caldwell to get head.

DanDân

My fellow Torts, I come to you bearing a lucrative opportunity - for a lowly 5 eggs you’ll receive a 5% share in my company. The name of the game is names torts - or specifically titles. An underutilized space on the sheet, my suggestion is magical enchantments based on titles that the players and NPC’s gather through their exploits. Example - giving a character the title “silver tongued” after some clutch nat 20’s persuading a soldier, giving them a permanent +1 to persuasion. Thank you for your time.

Ryan F.

I beseech the Tortles of the Dank Tank to discard the uninspired 'Heroic Inspiration'. Instead grant your players one of the following boons, which can be consumed for a benefit. However, they can only have one at a time, so they need to use them or lose them. Quickened: • Combat: the player gains an additional reaction to use before the start of their next turn. • Non-Combat: you treat the next Acrobatics, Sleight of Hand, or Stealth check you make as if you had expertise in that skill. Stead-Fast: • Combat: Until the start of your next turn, you are immune to the Charm, Prone and Frightened condition. Additionally, you are immune to forced movement • Non-Combat: Same as above Empowered: • Combat: You may make a single attack or cast a cantrip (No Eldritch blast) as a bonus action. • Non-Combat: You may treat any roll of a D20 under 10 as a 10 Enlightened: • Combat: You may add your Int/Wis modifier to both your attack and damage roll • Non-Combat: you treat the next Arcana, History, Medicine, Religion, Nature or Survival check you make as if you had expertise in that skill. The eggs must flow. So, I’m requesting an annual dividend of one egg for the use of these more inspired beneficial conditions.

Jade Finch

Oh beautiful torts in your gleaming tank, for a measely egg i offer Coyote Time a rule I've been using for a while to nice effects. "Whenever a creature would fall 10 or more feet: instead of falling instantly, the creature can choose to delay the fall until the end of its next turn"

Devin Tyler

Shello Torts, I come today with something some might call basic. For my Curse of Strahd campaign finale, I gave each of my players 1 free crit to be used whenever they want in the session. The only caveat being that I (The DM) get one as well. All I ask is one soft boiled egg for a ramen I’m trying to cook.

Beluga, Gunks undersea mount that only drinks dr.p

Oh beautiful tortles, shining ever so bright in your gleaming tank of wonder, I would like to share an idea I have been concocting for quite some time. My campaign revolves around a god of speed, who they are tasked with returning to power. I decided at the start of the game to give them each an ability; the blessing of speed. This blessing has 3 charges and can be recharged on a short rest. When activated, they increase movement speed by 2 times and give advantage on dex checks or saves. I have been considering designing new concepts but I offer 50% of the rights to this idea for one scrambled egg and a newborn hatchling. May the tortle gods smile upon us all, wait wrong show-

Samuel Watson

Hey torts, you're all looking very aquatic today. I'll ask you this. Have you ever had a player in your campaign who has some really cool and/or useful spells, like revivify, but then had to introduce somewhere they can get spell components in a clumsy way? I know I have. Well no more with the magic item, Jerry's great fanny pack. The pack is sentient and sounds like Joe Pesci. It will convert a player's gold into spell components of equivalent value. For example, throw in 500GP and get 500GP worth of diamonds out. The pack does require a 100GP fee per use, which can be lowered with a successful bartering check, allowing players to search for their components in order to save cash. Cursed variants are passive aggressive towards the owner and may bite. I only ask for a single egg to hatch and teach how to do a kickflip in exchange for 37% of my idea. Oh and please tell Jake he's doing great by making a reference to an anime he hasn't watched.

TrashCritical

Shello tortles I come bearing a deal from the far future of 2047. My gang have been playing a cyberpunk red game where we found an insurance agency with a machine that could rewrite a timeline by jumping to alternate realities. I of course used this top secret knowledge to make drugs. Its called Chronos and I give you the same pitch I tried to give my dm. With a dv 20 resist drugs and torture check you would be able for the next 30 seconds (10 rounds) automatically succeed on any check made, hit any shot dodge any bullet, so on so forth. On failing the check you still get the effects but drop your humanity score to a round zero as the pure knowledge your taking on is enough to destroy your psyche. Humanity works ala call of cthulu where traumatizing actions or events can drop your sanity and fully make you cyberpsycho. I think the duality of being an insane killing machine but also riding the very line of sanity is peak cyberpunk aesthetic. My dm is debating it currently and I will use but two eggs to hopefully cook him an incredible bruncheon.

Khrono Masataka

To the Middle-Aged Mutant Chortle Tortles I bring you the patent pending, Chaos Coin. In a 3 year long campaign I was a DM for in the world of Theros, my players dealt with many tribulations of the Astral Plane. Eldritch horrors, deep speech, and Aboleth's, all cumulating to an epic showdown with the daughter of Kthulu, K'thara. That story was setup for a new trick I used in this final boss fight. Using my Naddpod original Reaper/Trickster Death Save Coin, I flipped the coin and hid it from my players before having them roll an ability save. After getting all the numbers, I reveal the coin stating whether the you wanted to get higher than or lower than the DC of the save. I ask Tortles, how many games have you played with a particular individual that always seems to suspiciously roll high? That rolls a natural 20 nearly every encounter and nary a natural 1 in sight. This idea of pure chaos keeps everyone honest and allows for those of moral integrity to shine. And all I ask is for your first unborn egg for not at all nefarious rituals and/or purposes.

Michael Allison

Dear Turtles, Tortoises, and any camouflaged octopi here catching a free ride, No one really wants to metagame. Deep down we all want to be like Halle Berry in Catwoman: 100% committed to our terrible roles. Allow me to introduce the Box of Bliss. This box contains one compartment for each member of the party, allowing everyone to roll dice into their compartment for Insight, Investigation, Perception, and any other rolls that the DM wants to keep secret. The DM then lifts the lid, looks at the dice and adds the relevant modifier for the given check which is conveniently written on the underside of the lid, and tells each player what they know or do not know. The player is released from the knowledge that they rolled well or poorly, and can simply act in accordance with the knowledge they've been given - blissfully ignorant of what the NPC's motivations ACTUALLY are since they rolled a 2. For this I would like an investment of one of Caldwell's eggs, plus one duck egg because I've never tried one but I'm curious.

Aaron Aposhian

To the highly esteemed Tortles and also Jacob, who is only slightly less esteemed. I lie prostrate before your heap of succulent eggs, bearing a solution to a dilemma that I believe plagues all potion-centric DnD campaigns. I love healing potions, and my players do as well. However in a potion-centric campaign, where the players have near constant access to them, I have found that the stakes of death are quickly diminished. Introducing: FLASK BLAST, a potion/energy drink that is far cheaper (and tastier) than your standard artisan-made healing potion. However, Flask Blast comes with the simple caveat that it cannot restore health to an unconscious creature. I have also created multiple flavors of Flask Blast that equate to the different tiers of healing potions, but i will not bog down this pitch with their detailed descriptions. I am not looking to entirely replace standard healing potions (Although they will be more rare and expensive), but instead I simply wish to introduce a new, highly accessible variety that maintains the threat of player death. Tortles, for 50% of my mass produced homebrewed potions i ask only for a measly 50 of your thinnest yet most glistening eggs. Thank you for your time.

Gicky

Dear Turtles I bring to you an amazing opportunity to own an emerging and exciting new IP. Still in its infancy with limitless directions it could grow in, the sky is the limit here Turtles. I present to you a half baked idea I never got to implement because my group fell apart: The attacker vs defender system. I always struggled with the idea of AC being a static number, and the way it impacts narration in combat. So often have I heard "that's a miss. You plink! Off the bad guys armor". To me this reads that the bad guy in armor is just standing there while you take a swing and takes no effort to block or parry or dodge. So instead turtles I suggest AC is no longer a fixed number but instead a bonus to be applied to a roll. In combat the attacker would roll like normal, but the defender would also roll and add their AC bonus. This would make hitting and missing more dynamic. A high roll on an attack could be blocked by a higher roll on the defend, or a seemingly low roll on an attack could end up actually hitting if the defender also rolled poorly. There could also be room for a nat 1 or nat 20 on a defend roll to have special effects, such as a nat 1 leading to more damage dealt by the attacker or a nat 20 mitigating all damage. Overall this would lead to more narrative moments in combat and more clutch moments. I have no idea how this bonus would be calculated as again my group fell apart before I could try it. In exchange I am asking for one half baked quiche made from whatever eggs you have left

Alinious

Tortles, I’m hear today with an exciting opportunity to expand your clutches. We’ve all played in campaigns without a healer and it can really suck. Magic items and potions can make up for it but feel flavorless and boring. Everyone can administer and use potions and it’s always the exact same, yawn. But the medicine skill is criminally underutilized. The fantasy of playing a doctor or surgeon is super fun but completely impossible in 5e. My pitch is this: a player on their turn can use their action to roll a medicine check. With a 15 or above they can spend one of their hit dice to heal another player. If they want to heal themselves, they roll with disadvantage. This lets tons of classes play the role of healer with a bit of specialization. Martial classes can heal more with their larger hit dice, rogues and bards can use expertise to improve their healing, a wise monk who’s studied ancient medicine can heal their allies etc. All I ask for are 6 fertilized eggs so I can form a self sustaining colony of tortles in my basement.

Randy

Tortles I present to thee humbly and averting my eyes to not meet your nictitating gaze Double down crits Whenever you crit on an attack you may double down and flip a coin/ roll a dice. If you call it right or roll above a 10 you triple damage/ or triple the dice depending on how you use crits. On a failed double down, you still do the extra damage like in a crit but gain a level of exhaustion due to over exerting on the perceived opening. On a natural 20 you deal quadruple damage and a nat one locks you out of doubling down till you take a long rest I humbly request an egg layed by a tortle bit fertilized by an amphibian or chicken (never mind what for) in exchange for full license in perpetuity of the double down crit

Mad Dungeon Mama

Tortles of the Tank Have you ever felt that ache in your belly when you come across an obstacle, be it physical, social, or emotional, and think "I know just the spell for this!... But...I don't have it stocked..." Well have I got the solution for you. I bring you, the TotT Shot. TotT stands for "Tip of the Tongue" and this small vial contains enough electrifying energy to pull that spell right to your mouth when you need it most! An uncommon brew, but not unheard of, the TotT Shot allows a caster to cast a spell from your spell list (known or unknown, so as to not leave out the poor sorcerer's, warlocks, rangers, bards, and unlearned wizards) at a level equal to their proficiency bonus. As some zip to your quip. Some zap to your tap. Some zing to your bowstring. Try TotT Shot today! All I request is one runt egg in exchange for 30% and your input on how to make this not totally lame or broken.

Ryz

Tortles, tankers, toddlers and anyone else who may be in the room! I give you a fun meta joke that I played on my friends while DMing, which went on longer than I thought it would to my delight. I played a campaign with a couple friends of mine where I told them I would be reskinning all the monsters. I sort of thought they would catch on quickly. But in the first couple of sessions they fought giant purple rats who used a reaction to wag their tail and give other rats advantage on biting, eyeless bats with small thin barbs instead of legs who force Wis saves against confusion, a large white cat with a gold coin on its forehead that inexplicably dropped a LOT of gold, a small pink sphere with tiny arms and legs who cast Sleep at the third level, bipedal bee monsters with only four limbs, their arms ending in larger spikes and a purple floating tumor covered in holes that expelled toxic gas…not a single one clocked what was happening. I even introduced one of the Eight Lords of Workout Temples who gave our special crests to children as a coming of age ceremony in this land…named Cloudy who summoned a series of bejeweled star fish and only one out of three realized what was happening but agreed to keep it to herself. It wasn’t until after a rough battle against three giant birds; one that was covered in flame (red dragon stats), one that had blue silky feathers (white dragon stats) and one with spiky yellow feathers (blue dragon stats), for which the Archmage of The Propulsion Guild (named Giovanni) gave them a glowing purple “Master Sphere” as a reward that all my players realized they had been killing all the pokemon this entire time. I call this my Pop Reskinning technique where instead of directly referencing pop culture you just describe creatures and characters physically without any words that would explicitly tie to the franchise and wait to see how long it takes for them to catch on. You could do this with any inhuman creature really, Sonic, Will Ferrell heck maybe even the Grinch! In exchange for this idea all I ask for is a shout out to my cat, Saturday who is a bottomless well of neediness and desperately desires head pats from all humans.

Alex

Good salutations, Tortles and Tortetts <3 TL;DR give your edgy character a chance to be edgy in a flavorful and fun way by giving them a portent roll with the choice of a critical success or a critical failure in times of critical need. I have been playing with my friends in a homebrew campaign where events have been happening in a way where multiple stories from multiple generations seem to collide in a manipulated way to make the most suffering, events akin to a thousand years ago. Unbeknownst to my players, these events are the machinations of devils vying to become the new ruler of Hell in a competition, this century's round being called the Judas Echo with the focus on personal betrayals. My power hungry warlock, an amnesiac whose patron is actually the winner of the last Judas Echo, will be approached in times of escalating need such as his allies rolling to know the NPC guard's name and all the way up to dying and rolling death saves with a choice: make one of their allies' rolls a critical success or critical failure. I'm still brainstorming on how to balance either choice, with my thoughts going to something akin to refreshing spell slots mid-fight for making his allies fail or having his own death saving roll be a failure the next time for making them succeed. In exchange, I would gladly take a seat as a Supreme Crit Justice. Please and "tank" you!

Sym

Glorious tortles, I welcome you to imagine a future where spamming the help action is a thing of the past. How can that -1 Intelligence barbarian help with the Wizard’s arcana check anyway?! I propose that, for the conventional help action, the player offering help must be proficient in the skill being rolled. This creates a narrative foundation for that sweet and salty advantage that shall be bestowed. But I can hear your cries, “Nay! Aren’t two bumbling turts still better than one?!” That is why I shall give you all “Helping Each Other(tm).” You do not need to have proficiency in a skill to Help Each Other(tm) and the DC shall be lowered by 2, but you BOTH must roll and you BOTH must pass! I humbly request any leftover eggs you may have. Even partial or frozen eggs will satisfy my unworthy soul.

Not a DJ but will still take the gig - DJDramamine

New Elder Turtis here, Carrying weight and needing food to avoid exhaustion is a thing of the past! Unless the campaign takes place in a location where food is scarce, I propose during any short/long rest its assumed the party chows down on *something* If it IS a narrative choice, it should be something the party overcomes and wont have to focus on forever

Sophie Buijsen

I love this! Just for reference, I finally got round to sharing the original list (gaps for cards that have not been drawn yet and therefore not revealed to us players!): Card Effect 0 The Fool Back up with 1 health 1 The Magician (1 death save fail, no spell slot for revival) 2 The High Priestess One death save fail. The rest of the party know the next card. The player does not 3 The Empress 4 The Emperor 5 The Hierophant 6 The Lovers One fail. An active member of the battle is chosen at random and moved up to 30 ft closer to you 7 The Chariot You may continue to act though still draw cards at the beginning of each round. Any damage taken will add to failed death saves and you cannot heal yourself 8 Justice 9 The Hermit Roll a d8 + proficiency in this and subsequent rounds. This amount will need to be healed before the unconscious PC can be revived 10 Wheel of Fortune Draw twice more 11 Strength You continue to act though are feral and must use unarmed strikes on the nearest enemy. Gain +2 STR each round including the first. After 3 rounds, if the player remains attacking, they lose -1 STR permanently to their character. 12 The Hanged Man One fail. The party get advantage on their next saving throw 13 Death Permanent death 14 Temperance Averages out the whole party’s HP. (Add up all HP, divide by player number, all players now have that amount of HP, even if it is above max HP for any characters). 15 The Devil Contact with an extra-planar entity who offers you a deal… at a price, otherwise take one fail 16 The Tower Whilst PC is down, they are faced with their own battle(against a plot relevant personal enemy) as they defend the Tower. Succeed and they return to full health. Fail and die permanently 17 The Star 18 The Moon The body of the fallen PC takes on the appearance of a ghastly image. Any PC attempting to heal them must pass a fear check 19 The Sun For this and subsequent rounds, the PC’s CON is reduced by 1 until healed. This can be reversed by a long rest. 20 Judgment The other players at the table roll and an average is taken for their death save. 10 or under is a fail, 11 or over they stabilise. 21 The World