Home
Creators
Search Recent Random
Posts
Search DMs Popular Hash Lookup Tags Random
Importer
Import FAQ
Register Favorites Keys Review DMs Logout
Community
Telegram ThePornDude
Home Creators Posts Import Register Favorites Logout

Tortle Tank: Fighting Birds, Mediocre Gods, and The Hyper Light Cannon (Patreon)

Published:
2022-09-29 19:32:23
Imported:
2026-06
Tags:

Downloads

Content

AD-FREE EPISODE FOR $5+ PATRONS!

Welcome to Tortle Tank, the show where the world's richest reptiles review your D&D homebrew and decide whether or not to invest their hard-earned eggs. This week, the Torts discuss the Aarakocra Problem and The God of Mediocrity, as well as a multitude of new magic items. Let's dive right in!

Production and Editing by Trevor Lyon

And support us at Patreon.com/Naddpod to get access to the after-show and a bunch of other Naddpod content!

Get tickets to our upcoming live shows at naddpod.com/live.

Files

Comments

KSM101

Ill be honest murph could 1v1 most birds and if the bird started on the ground an even if it was only like a 1% chance murph could get it before it took off I'd put money he could improve his odds against some of the harder birds

Alyssa

The thread of fate can be given to the group and the group can decide who has it, so the dm doesnt know. It'll sow discord of course but that's part of the fun if it works for your group

M. Hedrick

Nat20 on initiate should give you first position and advantage on your first attack. Essentially you have jumped into action so quick that even a prepared combatant is caught off guard for a moment. I think that should be enough to honor the Nat20.

M. Hedrick

Also, if that Nat20 doesn’t put you in first position due to a low modifier, I think you still go first on that initial round. You might be fighting a quicker more dexterous opponent, but you push them on their back foot at the jump.

Sam

“I could kick a mockingbird’s ass” such an important piece of American literature

KestertheJackal

Re: the god of mediocrity, this could be an alternative to taking 10.

Rafael C

30:15 "We've all wanted to grab shaft."

Tyler G

Caldwell coming out with the French name cause the English is Parrying Dagger 😂

Lucas

Caldwell's intro always punches me in the face and then spits on me

Cianistarle

Wow, cool! We always listen during dinner, and now an early treat just when the roast is done? Awesome, thank you!

Yeeter Skeeter

I was just catching up on all the bonus torts what a treat to have a new one!

Abby Snyder

Bird-centric conversations with these guys are always *chef’s kiss*

Kyle Veach

Murph could absolutely 1v1 most birds

Bryttany A

Can someone who is good at fan art PLEASE draw Murph fighting a flock of birds?!

FiendishNoodles

The thread of destiny would be tight if some alternative boon were granted if the dm calls you a liar but you ain't. Like, the thread still vanishes into the ether but you get a glowing ring of light that you can expend to impose disadvantage on the DM once, at any time. This keeps the stakes high for calling the bluff, so it doesn't continuously sow the boring kind of distrust that comes with asking if they're a liar each time. We can up the penalty for getting caught too

Bonky Fiasco

Next Mixed Bag: Murph 1v1s a turkey

Blake

Please share the Jake Affleck picture

John Tackels

For the flyers here im playing a genie warlock and at lvl6 three times per long reat you can fly 10 min at will. You also get a sick as lamp house and your own robin williams father. #jinscorcher

Serenity4Jane

Counting vertical distance, doing occasional checks for bad flying conditions (rough terrain) and an increased number of aerial predators would be pretty reasonable for a campaign with a bird pc

Noah James Perito

The world of tortle tank really is just unfettered capitalism - the court turns their wigs and the salesmen pitch without regard for Justice

Desmond Knight

Hate to say it jake but you can only read this first episode for the pilot

Beetlefish

I actually think the alternative armor dodge/block rule would be really good for very specific types of encounters, like Hank Hogfish’s pit fighting mini game.

Jacob Coates

I used to have pet turkeys, they are mean but Murph could definitely kick ones ass

BookWyrm37

Need to get bird facts mulligan to consult next time

Pitlane Pilot

As we are currently in Swooping Season in Australia I can confirm that a Magpie can and will peck your eyes out for recreational pleasure

Mike

The ‘main gauche’ Caldwell brought up for this is French for left hand, which most people would use for the dagger.

Penpen

Australia lost a war against birds. If birds were more motivated, we would never survive

Samuel Kelly

In Pokémon, flying types have advantage over fighting types. You ever tried to punch a bird?

Renegade

Weaver of fates thread modification- (anyone can use, i just loved the bones of this idea) you give an already deceptive character this thread. 1 time, when they are lying about having done something in the past (i bought a ship this morning, i used to work at this tavern, i learned this language in my childhood, etc for example) they can use this thread to attempt to trick fate itself into making this lie true. deception check must be exceptionally high for a success, and on a failure, everyone nearby sees through the lie. and maybe others have advantage on insight against you for a bit??? youve failed to pull one over and the dm should give fun trickster consequences for someone caught in a lie. this could go super crazy but its only used 1 time, and mostly would only work with a character good with deception already, so feels proportionally fair. i love the idea of tricking your way into success

Renegade

*cannot be used to have killed someone, no “oh yeah i took out the BBEG this morning” and rolling to see if it’s true ☠️ DM discretion for the lies compatible with the thread without potentially breaking the world

TheMFHawg

IF THOSE BIRDS WERE EATING JILL LIKE TUCKER DOES LMFAO

David Lipscomb

No more pardoning a turkey each Thanksgiving. New tradition is the President has to fist fight a turkey to death

Hergin dergin

As someone who owns turkeys I could absolutely snap one of their necks like a slim jim

Alex Moore

Why don’t you treat the “average roll” concept as a less-powerful Chronal Shift with more uses? If a roll is bad you could try and make it better by rolling another and then taking the average, or vice versa if you want a baddie to roll worse

Garrett Morrow

I had no idea what “little dagger” Caldwell was talking about until he said main-gauche, and a wave of Final Fantast Tactics memories rushed back to me, where I first heard that name

SaltyBurrito

I agree 100% with Murph on the bird fighting point. Especially in a 1v1. I could take on a goose but I'd be worried by geese

Jor Elare

Aarakocra represent the same problem that higher level wizards do but from level one. Eventually the DM must come up with a solution and then keep throwing it at you, which feels bad for both parties. "Everyone stocks counterspell, every combat has an anti-magic assassin" feels just as bad as "every combat has several archers who will zero in on your frail low level bird person"

Mich Blackie

To be fair to us they were emus! Those mfs are terrifying! 😂

HolyFatFish

Please no more tortle tank

lawless-crows

I have to say you think you could side step a turkey going 20 mph at your knees but as someone who works with dogs playing all day my knees are so busted and I can’t dodge them at all

Chris luparello

Every time someone rolls a nat 20 in my home game they get a little Kit Kat. Makes every nat 20 feel special with a little treat

Alex B

Fun fact! Main gauche is French for "left hand"

Robert

Murph can absolutely 1-v-1 most birds

Scott Hewson

Imagine you’re in front of the Tortles like a real Shark Tank/Dragons Den episode and while you’re pitching they interrupt and start screaming at each other about whether or not they could take a bird in a fight. Do you try to soldier on? Do you quietly exit the tank??

Andy

Okay, here's my thought on the string. Once per day, after failing a skill check, attack roll, or saving throw you can make a deception check to trick the universe into believing you succeeded instead

Glenn D AKA Mcdoogins

Aarakokra should get extra jump and a glide ability, it makes less sense for bird person to be able to fly that well.

Joe Clave

I rule that nat 20 lets you go first, regardless of final scores. But, nat 1 you go last.

Joe Clave

Aarakocra + looking up with light cannon + holding hands with unsuspecting dupe.

Ilana Galpert

I have an idea for how to modify the rolled ac. There's already a blade called the gambler's blade. We're do for gambler's armor Instead of adding the bonus on top of your armor, gambler's armor would be base ac+ d6 (if uncommon) or a d12 (if rare.)

Rick

Much simpler Gift of mediocrity would be to replace A D20 roll with 2D10 or 3d6 +2

Rick

And just use swimming rules for aerocalypse flight and have an Athletics check to stay up

Jeff Miller

Re: Caldwell's coin/button idea. The main GM, Troy, over on the Glass Cannon Network gives out bottle caps when the players do something cool. The rule switched at some point from them being good for a roll with advantage to +10 on a roll. They are playing Pathfinder and Troy is a sadistic GM, so they don't break the game like they might at a less savage table.

Keith Kelly

"Gauche" (pronounced "ɡōSH") is just "left" in French. The idea is that you use a parrying dagger in your left hand (the non-dominant hand for most folks), while the right (main) is used for the actual attacks. If you're left handed, I guess you'd just reverse it; so it would be "main/droit."

Liam Harvey

Australian Magpies are notoriously difficult to deal with. Swooping anyone and everything because they are crazy territorial of their nests. People joke about it in australia but honestly it is terrifying when it happens.

Gustavius

Main in French means "hand" - so, left hand :). Right hand would be "main droit".

Whill

Hey! I made the original item and I love this idea! It sounds kinda similar to that one mechanic from Blades in the Dark where you can retroactively say you know how to do something or have something in your inventory. Very cool!

Whill

Hey, I made the item! I think this is a cool idea but I would feel bad if the player suddenly lost the thread without even getting the chance to intentionally use it. Maybe instead, the DM takes a small penalty on dice rolls against that player until a long rest or something?

DXGypsy

Just give Arakokra an age/level restriction for flight. Baby birds can't fly right away. A level 1 is essentially a "baby". Flight develops at level 9 or 10, (or adulthood) keeping it on line with wizards and druids.

Zeon Liberation

Best unnoticed line of the episode Caldwell “We’ve all wanted to grab shaft”

Bukvar's Assistant Isy F

Yall need to look up magpie attacks. Any Australian rightly fears a magpie....

Summer Tribe

how is level 1 essentially a baby? by that point they're an adventurer with a good amount of training. lvl 9 is also super late to get race features. it's 4 levels later than wizards get concentration based flight and 3 levels later than several subclasses get non concentration based flight.

Ivy Buck

For the aarakocra flight thing restrict flight with things other than light clothes and no equipment to later levels or bring in PF flight rules roll a flight check at the end of your turn to avoid drifting to the side or whatever if you dont intend to move

Richard Smithmeyer

I'm absolutely introducing the Woven Belt of Manny the Mundane into my PF campaign.

Bunnay Ch33ks

There was a cop who tried to stop a cock fighting ring, and one of the roosters attacked him and the cop straight up died. Birds are no joke

Trevor MacLean

I don't understand how people have difficulty with flying characters. In my campaigns I'm perfectly fine with flyers. If they want to fly over a wall by themselves there's a dude with a longbow on the other side. Easy solution.