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Calling for Live Show Cases! (Patreon)

Published:
2023-11-14 13:36:06
Imported:
2026-06
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Content

Hey there folks! Your Lowly Bailiff Jake here. The Supreme Crit is convening this week LIVE in Fort Lauderdale AKA COURT LAW-DERDALE! Will you be at the show? If you will be in attendance then we would love to try your case. Please submit your brief (1-2 paragraphs, I do beg) cases on this thread and we will try you in open court.

Don't forget to let us know your name and the general area you will be sitting in.

Also, there are a few tickets still available for this upcoming tour if you wanna catch a show!

Humbly,

Jake

Comments

Armadon the only

At the show. Row a; seat 2 To the Clergy of the Crit Church I have sinned against the will of fate for a gag. In playing a rpg based on the Dresden files universe I, along with a friend playing a thief, stacked the deck against another player who held the one of the books holy swords. The “gag” was the thief was playing the long con to get the sword and at the time I presented the true wielder with no other option than to leave behind the sword for a scene allowing the thief to steal. I was tarred and feathered by my players but to this day I still feel the sin. I look for absolution in my confession to the whole of the audience. Even if I must walked the Isles whilst the parishioners chant shame.

Xavior

Dear almighty and powerful justices and the swift hand of punishment Jake. I bring to you the case of the discord Prince. My group were playing every Saturday but some wanted to play during the week (small things here and there) so we started a discord channel. I couldn't join in because of work. Well two weeks later one of the other players turns out to be a prince. Wouldn't be bad if when faced with a challenge he tries to use his wealth or army to get out of it. Mighty judges I ask what do I do?

JoG

At the show, with some friends we will be in Row G I will be seat 11. (Said in the most faith healing, cult of Christianity way) To the High priests and priestess of the most technically correct religion of our lord and savior Dice Christ. (And guy who swings the incense Jake I guess) I beseech absolution on behalf of myself and my friend for we do not know what we have done to displease the almighty DiceChrist but we have been cursed to role like Murph! It is never a nat one (cause I make halflings to mitigate my crap rolling) rather I am a regular visiter of the 2 crew. Or with advantage I will roll consecutive low numbers like last game where I rolled 5,6 then 6,7 and 8,9 in the same session. It is too the point I plan and build characters who don’t have to roll because I know I will not hit…. One character got taken over by a mind controlled slug so I tried a paladin for the first time in 5e. From level 7-9 I hit less than 50% of the time and only crit on out of combat jokes and japes. My friend rolls very similarly to me. So I ask the clergy for forgiveness for our sins and what we might do so that we may have permission to swim (30 minutes after eating of course) once again in the welcoming pool of warm dice.

HaysForHorses

Here at the show! All the way from Columbus Ohio to Orchestra right Row H. May it please the omniscient (all knowing) and omnipotent (all powerful) judges of the Supreme Crit and also Jill’s side piece. Today I bring forth the case of the ‘Unreciprocated Romance’ I am playing a College of Whispers bard in a roleplay-heavy campaign. Naturally, as I try to make connections and learn secrets, I am constantly ‘flirting’ with everyone. And I mean everyone. However, I apparently made an error by flirting with the waitress who works at the tavern we frequent. While I was just playing along and trying to earn us free drinks, both the DM and all 3 other players have decided to aggressively ship our characters. This would be totally fine if they didn’t bring it up 5-6 times per session in character in addition to mentioning the nonexistent relationship many times outside of our sessions. Even our last campaign arc revolved entirely around this waitress confessing her feelings for me as she suddenly had some information related to the overall story. I have told them multiple times that I am not interested in this character or even this type of serious romantic role play. I even apologized for apparently leading this kind woman on, but it seems that I cannot climb out of this flirtatious fissure that I have fallen into. My question is simple, benevolent justices, am I doomed to date this waitress? I sit in my tiny little chair and await your judgment.

Juliana Reslan

Juliana Reslan, in Row N! To the puckish judges and the pretty cool bailiff (you guys should have him on the campaign sometime), I present you the case of “Murder vs. Martyr”: I’ve had to Murph my players who tend to be a little too silly at times, specifically two who were playing a paladin and their mushroom parasite. Early in our Ravnica-setting campaign, someone tried to sell them magic drugs (inspired by the arcaine in Campaign 1) and they made the dealer take some to ensure it was not dangerous. The dealer was turned into a cactus plant to their delight* so they kidnapped him. They wondered if changing the pot would change anything (would he be naked? trapped?) and wanted to re-pot the cactus for when the dealer changed back. I said fine, and told them they could find a Gnome Depot, but it was closed as this was late at night. The paladin asked to punch the lock. I asked if they meant pick the lock, but the paladin just said “No. I want to punch the lock.” The paladin punched the lock and it triggered an arcane alarm. The mushroom parasite said a Home Depot wouldn’t have magic locks, I said it was a Gnome Depot and they have magic plants, therefore, magic locks. The paladin and mushroom were arrested, the rest of the party already having plans to leave, left. In order to get the party back together, I did what I considered to be a necessary evil. During their trial, their favorite NPC (an ex-precognitive mage) broke in and gave them a teleportation scroll. As they teleported away, I described the NPC being killed, her patron coming to collect her, and the BBEG standing behind the patron for the kill. The players now knew the movements of the BBEG – something they wouldn’t have known for a while if their favorite NPC did not die. My players now look at me like I kicked their dog when she is mentioned (she is mentioned a lot). The mushroom says it is murder and very rude, I say it is the consequences of his actions. The wizard is pissed because that was his teacher, who took off the monetary value and half the time to learning spells, and the druid thinks the paladin and mushroom are “dumb as fuck”. We plead to you, dishonorable judges, to place the blame and tell us who to razz. Was this a necessary lesson to new players or was this an unnecessary end to a cool character? I am at your judgment. *They killed a vampire by shoving the cactus up his ass.

Lorelei and Kyra Newly Weds

Unfortunately I will be holding down the fort and unable to support Captain Ax Ford , First mate Caldwell, cabin boy Murphy or Jake the horse slayer. But I do have a case to send in a message in a bottle, my case is of the stolen deed. I'd been taking to my DM about trying to find the deed to a building we were investigating before we wrapped the session. I told my friend at work the next day of my plan (who plays with us) and he said it was smart. Well next session rolls around and my friend tells my character to piss off when looking for something, found the deed and was making shit eating grins my way the whole time before signing it. As payback I've decided not to heal him as our cleric and now he's threatening to leave because he "needs all the heals he can get". Please end this squabble and tell us whose at fault. (ps. If it matters his PC constantly referse to fucking mines aunt so that's also part of the non healing in game condition)

TransCrafting

I'm going to be there with my husband! He has played more D&D than I have so I asked if he had a case he wanted to bring up. He said no. It's his birthday week though and it would be AWESOME if you could give a shout-out. Totally understand if no, though. His name is Dayan. We're gonna be in Row B Seats 9 and 11. Thanks so much! Safe travels.

Cam the Frog Man Swags Dry Cousin from Gladeholm

I will be in Row C seat 13! To the Ethereal Supreme Crit Justices ,and first time guest bailiff Jorge, I present the case of The "Whale Woes" A couple years back I ran a campaign for some newbie friends of mine who wanted to know about the game. Because of this I made the campaign wild and wacky to let them have more fun. We had a half-Elf Rogue, a Aarakocra (🙄) Druid, and a Variant Asamir Paladin Sorcerer (The Problem Player). While on a mission to Atlantis to retrieve a magic item in exchange for info, the party found themselves fighting Tamatoa and the Druid wildshaped into a Whale. In response The Asamir decided he wanted to disengage and hide in the whales mouth. I allowed this to happen but said that he would have to reroll initiative if he wanted back into the fight as to counteract the party doing that multiple times over the adventure just to take no damage. On his turn he said he jumped out of the whales blowhole and attacked and then would want to disengage again back down the blowhole. I told him he couldn't do that because the blowhole is a nostril and he would get shot out of the fight when the Druid would sneeze from him crawling in his nose. He argued that he could keep doing it because his nose was so big. After an hour of bickering back and forth, I could tell the table (who was divided) was sick of it so I let him do it and on every turn he did the same thing ( re-engage then attack then disengage). Oh wise judge's should I have stood my ground against him or did I do the right thing. I humbly await your judgement on top of my tiny whale

Oakworthy Vineyards

Hey, I’m Chelsye G. and my husband (one of my players) and I will be House Left in Row D. To the honorable supreme crit justices and the baliff Nate, May it please the court – I DM a home game, and during an arc, my players were in the Feywild, attempting to rescue an acclaimed group of singing myconids who had been kidnapped. During the battle with the kidnappers, our half-orc artificer went down. She asked if her humonculus servant could use its turn to administer a bottle of healing water to her. In our game, this water is bottled at the source of a healing spring and acts as a low-level potion. Drinking the bottle heals a player for 1d4 HP. I explained that the humonculus would not be able to open the lid of the water bottle, because when my artificer first described what her humonculus looks like, she said it takes the form of a mechanical dragonfly. I posited that a dragonfly does not have hands capable of gripping and unscrewing a lid for a bottle. Also, RAW states that a homunculus servant has -3 Strength. My players rioted, claiming that the dragonfly should be able to carry and open a bottle of water. My artificer sent me a flurry of images of dragonflies clutching their prey with their legs IRL. Ultimately, I let my artificer roll a luck check to see if her homunculus could open the bottle. The roll was successful, and she was healed. However, my players are still indignant about this scenario and taunt me about dragonfly’s hands to this day. Should I have allowed these mechanical insect shenanigans, or should I squash the bugs in future sessions? I humbly prostrate myself before the mighty court.

Daeomec

At the show! Jana, Row P, Seat 25. To the esteemed judges and alligator-stricken bailiff, I have an excellent DM who works hard to make a fun, balanced campaign, but there's one particular spell that really grinds his gears: counterspell. He says it's not fun to be counterspelled as a DM. Though he hasn't forced any changes on us, our DM really wants to modify the spell so that we'll always have to roll to cancel the spell, no matter what level it's cast. We the players insist that there's nothing more fun than saying "haha no" to enemy spellcasters, and making counterspell always rely on chance would be frustrating, especially if we're using a high level spell slot. He's even considered getting rid of legendary resistances or other enemy features, if only we'd consider letting him make changes. Judges and jury, is our DM right? Is counterspell a broken spell that should be modified or thrown out because of how it messes up the balance of combat? Or are we right to keep our metaphorical middle finger to scary spells? We all eagerly await your honorable judgement.

Tyberos The Colorblind Wake

Dear fine judges and that Creature from the East Jake. I bring you the case of Stolen glory. I Dm a Grimdark looney tunes oneshot turned campaign, with Bugs, Yosemite, Foghorn, and Daffy. (Arcane Trickster, Beserker, and Inquisiter rouge respectively.) My transgression? I let our irl best friend join and he wanted to play pepé le pew for the poison spray cantrip. The problem was that the og party derailed the very first session hunting him down and slaying him in the streets à la archduke style. (for his questionable at best actions in the show) I let him resurrect as an unholy union of magics from Granny and the necromancers of Thay on the condition he swear an oath and be a changed man. The party upon meeting him was pissed! They said I took away their glory by bringing him back. I responded that they have greater goals/glory that they need help for! (Slaying abyss lord Taz). I ask, humbly, was I in the wrong for letting a friend play a formerly dead npc I never intend having in the game? (Ps anything in brackets is just context and can be thrown for brevity)

Syed the Story Dude

From ORCHL, Row Q, Seat 55 To the honorable justices and the guy that's mean to Amir. I bring to you the Case of Wondering Eyes vs Fondling Hands. I run a game with 30+ year old DnD newbies who recently reached Level 3. Everyone rolled their hit die, and while the rest of the players explained rules of HP increase for the first time, I noticed my Bladesinger player silently contemplate the 1 he rolled before real-time sleight of handing it up to a 3. Mind you, this goon has been the most curious on how to hack the mechanics of the game and has already become virtually impossibly to hit with an AC of 25. What's worse, the Bladesinger scooped the dice away and told everyone he rolled a 6. My spine had unfortunately slipped out my ass and I jumped back into the session without saying anything. Was I wrong in not growing a pair or shall we punish my player by like shitting in his mouth or something? Dunno, just spitballing, I humbly await your judgement PS he's one of my best friends

Alexander Kee

Hello! I'm Alex K and I will be attending the show with my wife Paige! We're seated in Row E Seats 27 and 29! To the esteemed judges and also the lowly COURT LAW-DERDALE janitor Jake. I am a DM of an ongoing home game of three years. Recently, one of my players  DMed for the first time, running a short module for the same group, with me as a player. During one session, my party was in a sketchy magic item shop and I was presented with a bag of beans. As a DM, I had spent a lot of time looking at magical items, and remembered a similar item in one of the source books, so I spent all of my gold buying the item. At the time, I had no clue if this item was the one I remembered, a homebrewed version of it, or even magical at all.  Jump forward to a later session where we were facing off against two ghostly mylings. One of their abilities was to grapple a target, and drag them under the earth over two turns, effectively removing the target from the battle and slowly suffocating them. You could attempt a strength save to try and escape, but given my strength was low, I opted to prepare an action to pull out a bean as I was dragged underground. Sure enough, the bag of beans I had purchased was the magic item I remembered, and as they were “planted” as I was brought under the earth, the DM asked me to roll for the effect. By a miracle only Dice Christ could have performed, I rolled the number needed to spawn a giant pyramid underneath me, raising up through the earth. My DM was horrified, unsure what to do at the moment. He took a minute to think before finally allowing the shenanigans to happen. This effectively ended the combat encounter, destroyed the map layout, and changed the future of the arc. I was ecstatic, knowing my crazy plan actually saved my character - but my DM was flustered and defeated - stating I ruined his game. The rest of the night he razzed me and threatened (jokingly) that he was going to go out of his way to derail my campaign. I ask you this: was I wrong to use information outside of my character’s purview to guide my decision making, or should I take solace in knowing that the beans could have just been beans? I humbly await your ruling.

Anomalocaris

Beauteous judges and the acceptable Jake. I would like to tell the tale of player "Gimmie" The party hears of a tower where evil Draconic wizards are guarding a grand treasure. They enter the forest of the tower and everyone except Gimmie declared beforehand they wanted to forage in the woods for specific items prior to entering the tower. Player Gimmie said he wasn't interested in that and instead wanted to "go get the treasure" when I asked him what he meant by this he just vaguely insisted that's the action he wanted to take. The tower had levels, guards and traps so I didn't know what to tell him since to "go get the treasure" would require at least passing some of those things. I had him encounter the door guards on his own since he wanted to leave the rest of the party and roleplayed with him while the rest of the party had to wait. He tried to convince the guards he was a member of the tower but that did not work (he was a human and everyone in the tower were Dragonborn, Kobolds, etc). He seemed upset at being blocked in this way and left the guards who decided not to attack him (me being generous since they were leveled for a full party encounter). He rejoined the group and we played out what everyone else had been doing. Later he accused me of railroading by not letting him leave the party behind to enter the tower alone. Esteemed judges was I wrong to block this player from leaving the party on his own into a dangerous tower?

SiteZero

Welcome to the Hellscape that is Florida honorable judges Sweet Blue Hole, Wife Worm, Big-headed Brian Murphy, and special guest Bailff Justin who gives Florida energy (in the bad way). My name is Matt and I am seated in section J seat 50. I am a long time DM who has started to introduce friends to the game that haven't had the ability to play before. Recently they have been having such much fun that they are surprising me with their friends (which I take as a compliment) this is not the case I present tho. I have run multiple books (which I alter significantly to kinda make my own campaign and just use the book for assistance with timing) and we were halfway through Out of the Abyss when one of these "new additions" asked if he could DM the next campaign. I was super supportive and excited to be a PC. This is when problems occurred. We have been running combat heavy comedic campaigns for the most part but the more we all keep listening to him planning (which he did very loudly during break times and forced conversations in that direction) he is planning a super serious Warhammer 40K political roleplay campaign and got super defensive anytime we tried to Crack anytype of joke. The other PCs and I had discussions that we didn't want to play that and voiced that to him but he just kept saying trust me yall will have fun. During the final session we all told him that another of the "new additions" wanted to run a Fallout new vegas esc combat heavy comedic campaign and that is the direction the group is deciding to go this was met with a "OH we'll see about that". The epic conclusion I had designed in my campaign was that the Demogorgon offered them a wish if they sabatoged a simple wedding and killed the Groom. What I didn't tell them and they didn't roll high enough to know is that the grom was Graz'zt and the bride was Juiblex (in a human form I made). They hijacked the systems to keep the wedding secure and weaked everything before rushing in the finish the job (kick ass right?). They all formulated the plan to finish off the the bride because she was significantly weaker. This is when "new addition number 1" (let's call him Corey) breaks formation as a monk and uses insane movement to barrel rush the groom way across the castle 1000's of feet away while saying at the table "I'm getting that fucking wish so I can wish us all into my 40K campaign, y'all will have to play it then". While the rest of the party was struggling to finish off the bride he rolls a higher initiative and gets first round of combat against the groom greatly weakening him (putting him on deaths stoop). I see that the rest of my party was about to defeat the bride, so I cheat and use Graz'zt teleport ability and just move him into the room with the rest of my party problem solved. That's when from across the table I hear "Um, Actually his ability only let's him move 120 ft" so I bullshit and say "Correct but he is using the spell which allows him to go anywhere he is very familiar with and since he was planning on getting married in the ballroom he would be very familiar with it". This gets me a sigh and his turns become I run 180ft while the rest of my party are slaying the groom getting the wish and using it to wrap up the campaign where they all either go back home or set themselves up with the life they were seeking. He refused to narriarate his ending and even took a six pack home that wasn't his. I await my sentencing for if my crimes of bending the rules to prevent someone for hoodwinking future campaigns.

AwkwardFish L

Hello Justices Axford, Murphy, and Tanner, as well as esteemed Bailiff Jank. My name is Cody and I am seated in row K, seat 45. Today I bring you the case of the friend of a friend who was a dick. In a current campaign that I DM for, there is a friend of a friend. We will call him Richard. Just over a year ago he was groomsman in my friend's wedding, and my wife was bridesmaid. We had been playing our campaign for a couple of months at this point and Richard always seemed fine, until the night of the wedding rehearsal. None of the groomsmen showed up, and when texted a request to come, Richard was irate and rude, making the bride-to-be cry. Ever since then, my wife (who is with me at the show) has told me I should kill off his character. Additionally when we started the campaign, he created his own continent separate from my homebrew world as a homeland for his character, he is constantly a late or no show for sessions, and has asked for homebrew mechanics to beef up his battle master fighter. I humbly await your ruling on this player. Should I have Richard eaten by a tarrasque for his insolence, or accept his insertions into my homebrew world? Thank you Justices and Bailiff.

nattherat

to the dice chucking judges and the forever victim bailiff, i bring to you the case of Divine Technicalities. during our ‘rise of tiamat’ campaign, our party set off to an artic village in search some more clues. once we arrived, we were met with boderline hostile villagers who did not want us there. after some failed persuasion attempts, it was decided that someone in our party had to gladiator style win a one on one fight with the village champion in order for us to be able to stay and investigate. our DM hinted that casting magic could cause more trouble than help and we would have to do stealth checks or possibly be found out. as a paladin with heavy armor and a magical sword, i have disadvantage on stealth and instead used help action by encouraging our barbarian party member from the sidelines. when an attack forced our party member to make a dexterity saving throw, i said that they would get my paladin aura of protection and get to add to their roll. my DM said that i would have to roll stealth if i wanted to try and get away with it. my question is: is aura of protection detectable or even something that can be turned on and off at will? or is it divine and inherit and should have been allowed? i await the judgement of the court lauderdale judges and the bailiff too i guess p.s. in the end i think it wouldn’t have mattered as i forgot to take into account the range of aura of protection but i am curious regardless - me the paladin (natalia) and the DM (sandy) are row N seats 52/54

AwkwardFish L

My name is Cody, Row K, Seat 45, and I come to you with a Dice Christ confession. I prostrate myself in front of the holy disciples of Dice Christ with a confession that has weighed on me for months. The party I DM for was in an epic battle with an avatar of a demon who has tormented the party since the beginning, specifically the rogue. The demon's plan was to force the rogue to forcibly become a warlock, and there was other story stuff wrapped up in the struggle, all primarily focused on the rogue. During the battle, the rogue and fighter were downed, leaving only the necromancer. The necromancer casted Toll the Dead. The demon roll a natural 17 on the wisdom save. I knew if the demon stayed up, he would kill the necromancer on the next round. I decided to change the roll to a natural 4, allowing the necromancer to kill the demon. This fudged roll has weighed on me heavily, as I know there were other routes I could have taken, such as bringing the PCs the the Abyss where the demon lived rather than outright killing them. While nothing was said, I also feel like I robbed a huge story moment from the rogue, as he was the main target of the demon. I accept any punishment you see fit. Thank you.

Jackie Hale

Esteemed and honourable court judges and big bailiff boi, may it please the court to present my case of the half-bound bandit. In one of my first sessions as a dungeon master in 3.5 DnD, the party was waylaid by bandits. A bandit was knocked out with Drow Poison, so they decided to keep him as a prisoner, and wanted to tie him up. I let them know that by the rules, Drow Poison only lasted 1 minute, and that fulling tying someone up took 5 minutes. They nodded along and went about talking and plotting their next move in character. As often happens, a disagreement came up between the PCs. I interjected and let them know their prisoner stood up. They looked at me funny but continued their argument. After a bit more, I told them the bandit started to run away. They easily chased him down, but then they asked me how the prisoner stood up and ran if he was tied up. I reminded them that the poison only lasted a minute, and the bandit took his shot to escape while they were distracted. I told them that I figured that his legs would be free, assuming they started to tie his arms first. When one of them asked what if they tied the legs first, I said if that were the case, the bandit's hands would be free, so the prisoner would just untie their feet while the team was distracted in character. In my young DM mind, I thought I was letting them know that the world didn't stop when the action did, so they saw the bad guy getting up and trying to get away. To this day, whenever one of the players involved in this incident uses rope on another person, they will turn to look me dead in the face and say "I'll tie him up. STARTING WITH HIS LEGS!" This has haunted me for almost 2 decades now. Was I in the wrong here? -Tim H. from Delaware ((looking forward to Court Lauderdale! We'll be in the Orchestra seats Row B, Seat 13 & 15!))

Zac Robertson

Here in Orchestra Left! To the Sweet Justice Axford, the Blue Justice Murphy, the Holy Justice Tanner, and the bean boy bailiff: I bring to you the case of the Commanding Commander. For my first D&D experience, I joined an online one-shot with a first-time DM. One of my fellow players was a fighter— a commander of an army who had just completed a difficult fight, and whose injured soldiers needed medical attention as we were all snowed in at this small town. The issue? Every time the DM prompted us with a possible course of action, he immediately chimed in that he was sending one of his men to the job. “Would one of you like to interrogate the innkeeper?” “I send one of my men and ask him to report back to me.” “What do you do before bed?” “I have my men set up a perimeter on the town, and also around the inn to defend us while we sleep.” The DM played along the first few times before resorting to “Okay. A conversation takes place but nobody is around to hear it.” My sorcerer and the bard ended up having a fun session of chilling in the tavern while the commander tended to most of the story. Should the DM have rejected this strategy the first time it was attempted? Should the player have realized there were other people in the one shot? Should the bard and sorcerer have done something other than black out in the tavern? I humbly await your ruling.

Leondatwani

From ORCHR, Row J, Seat 40 To the honorable justices and so lowly that they are below the mud of the Everglades ballif Jake, I bring forth the case of the Bad Taste in Romance Player. My group has been playing dnd together for over 5 years and has been through multiple campaigns together. We alternate GMs between me and another member of the group. One member of our group had a wild romance in our first game with a cleric NPC who came on the adventurer with us. Ever since that player has tried to romance NPCS to join the party. That can cause issues but that is not the main problem. The bigger problem is that after our first campaign, they keep trying to romance the villains who are pretending to be other people. So far they have by actively pursued the main BBG of a final fantasy game when the BBEG was pretending to be a barkeep, slept with the son of a corrupt noble who was working to sacrifice a town to a vampire lord, and tried to romance a doppelganger assassin was pretending to be a wizard. This is not even on purpose. The player just keeps picking the evil characters and saying, "I want to try and romance that NPC". I had to change the game’s story on who the doppelganger was because I did not want them to keep pursuing the villains. Should I just not have villains ever try to pretend to be normal people? Is my friend's taste in men so bad they are drawn to these people? Or are evil people just sexier even when they pretend to be good?

Bobby Moynihan

To the right and mighty justices and the loathesome bailiff Mr. Hurwitz, I present the case of the butthole of holding. About two years ago, I was running a low-magic, cowboys and dinosaurs campaign for my college friends. In one of the first sessions, they found an important item; a dragon egg; the only known dragon egg to exist in this world; the first and last of its species. Upon its discovery, the goblin artificer in the party said “well, we should keep it somewhere safe,” and promptly shoved it up his ass. Since then, that was where the egg resided at all times, and the goblin became vaguely maternal over it. The following session featured pitched combat on a runaway train, as steampunk golems tried to steal the egg from the party. During the fight, a golem rolled a strength check against a CON save from the goblin to see if it could remove it from his anal cavity. My players became indignant, stating it shouldn’t be that easy to remove an object from inside someone, but I refuted that my golem had spent an entire turn doing nothing but wringing out this goblin like a tube of toothpaste, and that I couldn’t give them much more than that. So I ask, how hard should it be to wrench a relic from a rectum?

Sara Barnes

Sara in Orchestra Left, Row K :) To the honorable CEOs of justice and their belligerent secretary, Janice, I bring to you the case of the Cursed Frat Boy. I’ve been in an online, modern fantasy game for about 2 years now. The beginning of the campaign began with us defeating a gang trying to crash an auction in order to steal a precious gem. One of my fellow players was the co-owner of a famous jeweler’s, and therefore took custody of the gem for safe-keeping. One day, several sessions later, he decided to check on the gem in his company’s vault to make sure it was okay. Before getting to it, he was approached by a demon who offered him a vague deal for power if he took the gem. Now, his character was technically Chaotic Neutral, but he had only ever played that as being lazy and a bit self-centered, not crazy. But lo and behold, he took the deal, stole the gem (which turned his CHA to 20 but cursed him to be evil I guess), and was “forced” to go out and party every night until he literally passed out. Needless to say, we (the other players) were all very confused. This initial scene took at least half an hour, and then afterward he just roleplayed his character partying every night and getting more and more exhausted due to lack of sleep. But still he wouldn’t take the gem off. Our characters tried talk to him in game but he just waived it off and roleplayed his obsession with the gem. Out of game I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, but the other players told me he had always been this way, making his characters make terrible decisions to get pity and be the center of attention, and I just hadn’t realized it. After many long sessions listening to him roleplay the terrible plight he had put himself in, we finally decided we couldn’t do it anymore. We asked him…well, we asked the DM to ask him to leave the group. It was super awkward and weird, but we figured it was for the best since it seemed like none of us were really having fun anymore. But I still feel bad, and wonder if we just didn’t try hard enough to engage with wherever he was trying to steer the story. So I ask, should we have tried harder to break the frat boy’s curse? Or was the frat boy, unfortunately, just cursed to begin with?

Brooke Risbon

(Jake I swear this is as concise as I could get it [oh shit almost forgot to add, Row C 18-19 I believe) Venerable Judges and industrious Baliff, I present to you the case of; Family Fight (feud is trademarked) Many moons ago, my husband, myself, and 2 friends were talking about starting our first DND campaign, and my husband (hereafter FIN) mentioned it in passing to his brother. My Brother-in-law (hereafter known as BIL) called me earnestly and was very eager to join. "Why not!?" I thought. "The more the merrier!" We got through two sessions. Since most of us were new to DND, the most experienced player out of us offered to DM. The game started off well enough. The rouge, played by (guess who) narrated that he was going to pickpocket the next person that walked through the door. The DM, thinking it'd be funny, made that person his brother FIN (who, I should mention, was not amused) While resting that night, BIL snuck out of the inn and tried to rob the town (which had already been described as having literally NOTHING in it) got caught, and tried to kill all the guards to get away. We ended up getting into a fight with some bandits later, and DIRECTLY AFTER, BIL tried to pickpocket one of us (on purpose this time) and got caught. Verbal arguments between the brothers insued while everyone else laughed, and my husbands best friend (BES) laughed while narrating that he slapped BIL's character. I made a comment about rolling a D4 for damage, the DM ran with it, and he received 2 points of damage. BIL got upset, and started attacking BES for hitting him. FIN (being all around very frustrated at this point) attacked BIL in response, and BES and I started walking back to town while they fought. The DM told them their fight had caused more bandits to show up, and we ended up going back to save them. We ended that session, and did not schedule another one. When my husband recently tried talking to him about it, his response was that we needed to "Get good". I ask, most crit-tastic honors, am I justified in my decision to bare him from further campaigns, or should I allow him to be the best murder-hobo he can be? I await your sage wisdom, Brooke (also, Ramon is here too)

Jackie Hale

Flavourful court judges and bland bailiff, may it please the court to present the Curse of the Musical Shoes. I am a dungeon master and in one session the plot took the party to a haunted house to extract a magic Token. It was a real Cave of Wonders situation, as I had a whole bunch of magical items, weapons, art, etc all over the house. But if any of it left the property, the item would become cursed! The ghost who owned the home said he would only "uncurse" one object for the party, which I assumed would be the Token. One party member, "Fred," was a fashionable Drow. Fred also happens to be "that player" at my table, often derailing the party's plans by being chaotic and obstinate. He went into the master bedroom closet and found a pair of magic shoes he just couldn't live without. So of course, when the party found the Token, Fred wanted the host to uncurse the shoes and not the plot-furthering McGuffin. Fred the PC left the scene and his player decided to take a potty break. Two other PCs asked the ghost if he could uncurse the token and just pretend to uncurse the shoes. The ghost shrugged and agreed, uncursing the token. When Fred returned, the ghost waggled his fingers and told Fred he was all set. After leaving the house, at sunrise, the shoes turned into a cursed custom item. They now played theme music whenever he walked in them. I made a custom playlist that everyone contributed to that I would play at (in)opportune times. Everyone had a laugh whenever the music came on and the player didn't seem to mind, since he wasn't a sneaky character. But after a few more sessions, he had his PC leave the group and brought in another character. Was I wrong to give the PC cursed shoes, possibly causing the character to retire earlier than he wanted? Or was it okay in order to move the bigger story along, while also being kinda funny, and another PC's idea entirely? -Tim & Jackie H. from Delaware ((looking forward to Court Lauderdale! We'll be in the Orchestra seats Row B, Seat 13 & 15!))

Trey Martin

The case of The Joke that Went Too Far? Dear honorable judges and __?__, I present to you a case from the first campaign our group played together roughly 5 years ago and it’s still a bit of a sore subject to this day. The quick backstory is that during our campaign, our DM would start every session by asking us some in character questions to get us into the mind set of our characters before we began the session. They were usually harmless, fun world developing questions until one day he asked us, “What is one secret your character knows about someone else in the party that they don’t know themselves?” And this is where we all come to you to resolve this issue once and for all. Most of the responses didn’t have serious implications, except for our human fighter, who’s entire reasoning for adventuring is to make money to send home to his mother and sister back home. He had stepped out of the room, and I made the joke to another player saying wouldn’t it be funny if his family was dead this whole time and he’s sending money to nobody. We laughed and looking to our dm for approval. When the fighter came back, the DM generically asked if he was okay with a MAJOR change to his character’s backstory, and the fighter said “yeah that sounds fun,” so at that point the deceased family became cannon. Months went by and at about 80% through the campaign the secret came to light and the news was devastating…. to him, in character and irl. Emotions got really intense that night. So I humbly ask, were we wrong for ruining a grown man’s night in his own home or is he wrong because technically we did ask before hand? He also goes out of his way to make sure all of his characters since this event, never have any loved ones or family members in his backstory. P.s. It did result in a fun side quest based around the whole situation and the whole party will be at the show so all perspectives can be interrogated. We’re sitting in section ORCHR, Row D, seats 8-18

Amber B

TLDR - The one player two pets incident! To the esteemed Justices Axford, Murphy, and Tanner and that other guy Jeremiah or something. All D&D players know that the only true and real goal of a D&D game is to find and adopt pet companions and other fun friends along the way. The rest of D&D battle mechanics is just window dressing on this all important over arching goal. At this point in our game only one of our four adventures had managed to find and befriend an adorable companion. Our fighter, Brawny Wod, had an enchanted blue bird he saved from the Twinkle Tavern’s resident cat, Sparkles. The rest of us were naturally insanely jealous. Despite our DMs captivating story line and creative battle encounters she knew 3/4 of her players were despondent and sad that we had not yet successfully founded and adopted adorable companions. But our DM aims to please! After winning our next big battle our proceeded to offer up three Faewild woodland creatures as a reward. One for each of us, right? (Hold that thought) Our bard immediately claimed the Fae Chipmunk and then our Wizard, Riven Indigo, aggresively claimed BOTH of the Faewild foxes. (Imagine my dismay) Riven made a medium animal handling check and the DM allowed him to keep BOTH of the Faewild foxes. Leaving me the only pet less player in our adventuring party. Justices, should my DM have allowed Riven to claim BOTH of the Faewild foxes? Or should the DM have interfered to make sure I received one of the pets (as clearly intended). I await your ruling oh wise and brilliant Justices. - Heather in Orchestra, Row C, Seat 10

Emily Martin (edited)

Comment edits

2026-09-05 07:00 Emily and Tony of Enter the Fungeon fame here in Row B seats 5 and 7! To the beloved justices and bailiff uh… um… anyways! I humbly ask for your judgment on a case that has resurfaced on a number of occasions to mock me over the past several years. Do not worry, no spoilers ahead for our podcast. At the time I was playing my sweet, older sister type, paladin named Janice. For some ungodly reason, the other players as well as NPCs had an innate drive to hate her no matter how loving and caring she is. Like overly rude when she is trying to help them. This is an important note. We were at a random pawn shop which is when our DM tends to throw out the most random items that we as players will then find creative ways to exploit (as players do). The item being offered to me this time was a ring of random keys, like a hundred random keys. Not entirely sure why, but our DM started at his initial price then haggled himself down to free very quickly without me being able to get a word in edgewise. I took a half a second to think and responded with “how about I take these keys off your hands and find what each one goes to. For each one I find where it goes, you pay me 5 gold.” Without hesitation, the shopkeep snatched the keys and said “the keys are off the table.” No opportunity for a persuasion roll or anything! To this day, “the keys are off the table” is said by all those who were at the table that day when I am pushing my DM too far. So I ask you justices, can you really call yourself a D&D player character if you have not challenged your DM to find where the line is? Is it not the players job to fuck around and often narrowly escape finding out? Or are the keys really off the table? I anxiously await your fair ruling. Ps I have never played D&D and I hate the show PPS I bought my DM/husband these tickets as his birthday present in the hopes that he is wrong and he can be shamed publicly for it. Fingers crossed!
2023-11-17 01:57 Emily and Tony of Enter the Fungeon fame here in Row B seats 5 and 7! To the super pretty justices and uh… um… wasn’t there another guy? anyways! I humbly ask for your judgment on a case that has resurfaced on a number of occasions to mock me over the past several years. Do not worry, no spoilers ahead for our podcast. At the time I was playing my sweet, older sister type, paladin named Janice. For some ungodly reason, the other players as well as NPCs had an innate drive to hate her no matter how loving and caring she is. Like overly rude when she is trying to help them. This is an important note. We were at a random pawn shop which is when our DM tends to throw out the most random items that we as players will then find creative ways to exploit (as players do). The item being offered to me this time was a ring of random keys, like a hundred random keys. Not entirely sure why, but our DM started at his initial price then haggled himself down to free very quickly without me being able to get a word in edgewise. I took a half a second to think and responded with “how about I take these keys off your hands and find what each one goes to. For each one I find where it goes, you pay me 5 gold.” Without hesitation, the shopkeep snatched the keys and said “the keys are off the table.” No opportunity for a persuasion roll or anything! To this day, “the keys are off the table” is said by all those who were at the table that day when I am pushing my DM too far. So I ask you justices, can you really call yourself a D&D player character if you have not challenged your DM to find where the line is? Is it not the players job to fuck around and often narrowly escape finding out? Or are the keys really off the table? I anxiously await your fair ruling. Ps I have never played D&D and I hate the show PPS I bought my DM/husband these tickets as his birthday present solely with the hopes that he is wrong and he can be shamed publicly for it. Fingers crossed that today will be my day of vengeance!

Emily and Tony of Enter the Fungeon fame here in Row B seats 5 and 7! To the super pretty justices and uh… um… wasn’t there another guy? anyways! I humbly ask for your judgment on a case that has resurfaced on a number of occasions to mock me over the past several years. Do not worry, no spoilers ahead for our podcast. At the time I was playing my sweet, older sister type, paladin named Janice. For some ungodly reason, the other players as well as NPCs had an innate drive to hate her no matter how loving and caring she is. Like overly rude when she is trying to help them. This is an important note. We were at a random pawn shop which is when our DM tends to throw out the most random items that we as players will then find creative ways to exploit (as players do). The item being offered to me this time was a ring of random keys, like a hundred random keys. Not entirely sure why, but our DM started at his initial price then haggled himself down to free very quickly without me being able to get a word in edgewise. I took a half a second to think and responded with “how about I take these keys off your hands and find what each one goes to. For each one I find where it goes, you pay me 5 gold.” Without hesitation, the shopkeep snatched the keys and said “the keys are off the table.” No opportunity for a persuasion roll or anything! To this day, “the keys are off the table” is said by all those who were at the table that day when I am pushing my DM too far. So I ask you justices, can you really call yourself a D&D player character if you have not challenged your DM to find where the line is? Is it not the players job to fuck around and often narrowly escape finding out? Or are the keys really off the table? I anxiously await your fair ruling. Ps I have never played D&D and I hate the show PPS I bought my DM/husband these tickets as his birthday present solely with the hopes that he is wrong and he can be shamed publicly for it. Fingers crossed that today will be my day of vengeance!

Austin Lee

Court-Lauderdale - From Austin, Row J To the eminent disciples of Dice Christ, I humbly prostrate myself before you to beg for forgiveness.  During a Halloween Vampire One-shot, which went on for over 12 hours, another player sitting next to me, cheated to get the final blow. To set the scene, we, the players, were a family of ancient and evil vampires that rose from our tombs to take revenge against the mortals that slew us. The game was epic, the roleplay superb; however, when we were fighting the final boss, a Planetar, I noticed the player sitting next to me was using a spell the wrong way. The spell in question was Mental Prison, and I noticed that they were rolling full damage, 10d10 psychic, even when the DM said the BBEG saved or used a legendary resistance. Confused, I double checked the spell on my phone and saw the player was using it wrong.  At this point it had been over 11 hours of playing D&D and everyone was tired, especially the DM. To my shame, I did not call them out on this transgression, and this led to my greatest of sins. With many characters struggling at death’s door, my friend and I had a crazy idea to bring down the Planetar involving knocking him prone in midair to fall on my corrupted Holy Avenger, when the player in question once again used Mental Prison. They rolled full damage, even when the DM saved against their spell. The DM took a breath and said, “Finish him.” By this point I knew it was too late, both literally and figuratively. My shame was forever cemented with the knowledge I now possessed and the inaction I took in preventing it.  Oh, most reverent of Dice Christ’s children, what must I do to cleanse the filth of this most heinous sin!?

Emily Martin

Hello from Emily and Tony in Row B seats 5 and 7. May it pleasure the court, I bring you the case of “spit vs swallow”. I am dusting this debate off from the catacombs of my mind space so some details may be hazy. At the time, I played the random substance loving, bastard child in every town having, party boy, Dragonborn barbarian, Antonis Papadopoulos IV. Our DM has a pension for giving us label-less potions or pills for us to use or take with a random effect later on down the road and Antonis was about it. We were fighting for our lives against some sort of large sea creature with tentacles, maybe a Kraken. (Side note, our DM has a house rule that items like potions are an interact with an object instead of an action to use) My character had the brilliant idea to take a random pill and shove it down the throat of the creature. The issue starts here. Our DM said that the creature automatically spits the pill out and just wouldn’t swallow it. I cited times we have force fed our cat medicine and when done right he just swallows it. I described my character as shoving the pill as far down as I could and holding their mouth closed to no avail. No matter what, the pill got spit out. I gave up and decided to take the pill myself, because why not? The random effect was having to yell whenever you talk for the next hour so it wouldn’t have been helpful anyways. I am on my knees asking for your justice. Should our DM have just accepted my generous gift of interesting combat and swallowed or was he right to spit out my advances? I bought my DM/husband these tickets as his birthday present so that you could deliver your hot piping justice upon him in person.

Critical Bromance

The Case of the Entrepreneur Barbarian Hello from Bubba and Javi in Row G May it please the court and the lowly to the fifth power Bailiff Frank. I would like to present The Case of the Entrepreneur Barbarian. In our online campaign, our Barbarian Krognar has decided to open up a “Fast Food Restaurant” that serves chicken hence KFC. It takes time away from the game and he tries to make it the focus for his character. When the Barbarian isn’t frying chicken, he butts into other players time. The Barbarian can be in a different part of the city while we are doing something completely different and he (the player) will interrupt or take the spotlight from other players. This has become a problem that multiple people have expressed to the DM and including other games that we play in. How can we silence this mother clucking Barbarian who wants the limelight?

Trey Martin

Amazing show tonight, you guys are incredible and I’m equally terrified of the admittedly justified punishment you sentenced our party to for killing off our friends family.