Seeking Strays - Chapter 92 - Loved Enough. (Patreon)

AN: 2/2. This one took so much longer to write than I thought it would. Whoops.

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“Ugh, my head.” It was pounding like an industrial grade jackhammer.  Every pulse of blood through my scrambled grey matter throbbed with the agony of a thousand suns. My ears twitched around, and I curled tighter around myself. 

“It’s okay, Reyna.” A hand softly stroked my head, and I relaxed against her. A tail wrapped up to my chest so I could hold it tightly. “It’ll all be okay.”

”Mmmm.” I snuggled into the tail and brushed my cheek against it. My nose twitched as I took in her soothing scent. My ears relaxed once more. “Thanks, Sylvie.”

”No problem… take as long as you need, sis.” Her voice sounded choked. I blearily opened my eyes to look up at her. She was looking down at me with tears in her eyes. A few blinks brought her into focus as she lightly stroked my arm.

”Why… why are you crying?” I started to move, but she just held me down with a firm hand on my shoulder. Her halo popped out, and the light spilled down across me. 

”Quinn will be here in a bit, okay? We’ll figure this out.” Her words were incomprehensible to my ears. Why would Quinn be coming over?

“What’s—oh…” My voice turned entirely hollow as I stared at my hand. The smooth skin and bitten-short fingernails were gone. Silver-black fur sprouted out of it, and deadly looking claws tipped each of my fingers. The hand was visibly misshapen. 

”I-it’s okay. Don’t look.” Sylvie’s tail wrapped around my clawed hand, hiding it from view. “Quinn’s on her way—“

”Sylvie.” Maybe… maybe I should tell her? Why I was absolutely terrified of this happening. Why I’d spent so many years making sure she never saw me for what I really was. 

I’d have to explain what actually happened that night we both lost our parents. The memories readily came back from where they were scarred into my brain. Our mother turning into a ravenous beast. Our stupid, brave father trying to calm mom down instead of running away. Him staying since he was a Guardian instead of fleeing like a normal citizen. Her ripping his horribly kind heart out of his chest and devouring it while it still pumped. 

How had we even survived back then? Almost everything was a blur except for the memory of dad’s halo blinking out one final time. Sylvie had been crying profusely despite my best efforts to keep her quiet as we huddled in the closet. It was long enough ago that the only other clear image in my mind was the closet door slowly being pulled open by a misshapen hand, and a feral set of red eyes meeting my own. 

I swallowed heavily, and looked down at my own beastly hand. The claws, misshapen fingers, and even patches of fur looked just like hers. In an instant, my hand overlapped with hers and I felt like I was back in the closet once more. Back in the suffocating darkness, holding my crying kid sister. 

Was this all that Sylvie would remember about me someday? A monstrous hand reaching for her while she tried to hide somewhere? Did mom still love us as she hungrily opened that door? A sharp whine tore at my ears, and it took me several seconds to realize it was coming from me.  

I lost the nerve instantly, and shook my head. Heh… right. There was no telling her. The image of the heartless Anarch in the diner floated to the forefront of my mind. Mother and I were the same kind of monster, after all. I was just better at hiding it. 

I couldn’t just wave this away with my monstrous limb… unless it went away. I could make it go away. Heheheheh, right right right, it could go away with one careful cut across the wrist. I struggled to sit up. My entire body felt heavy like I was filled with lead. The will to take care of it gave me the strength to move. 

”Where are you going?” Sylvie supported my shoulder. Her tears bled into my shirt. I—how could I do this to her? How could I so carelessly expose it?

”Bathroom.” My voice came out just as empty as it did before. Once I got rid of it, I could come up with something. Maybe an anomaly? Right, I ran into an anomaly and it mutated my body. It was just an anomaly.

Sylvie held me to keep me from getting up. With her halo out, her Awoken strength was on full power. I could break out of it, ‘course, but that’d be revealing too much. Too much was already revealed. “I checked everywhere else. It was just your hand, Reyna.”

”That’s not…” I shook my head, and wiggled around. She let go of me, and I forced myself to my feet. “I’ll take care of it.”

”What are you going to do?” She jumped to her feet and moved in front of me. She grabbed my monstrous hand, showing absolutely no fear about it. Even I felt repulsed by it. “Reyna, what are you going to do?” 

“I… I’ll take care of it, Sylvie.” I lifted my still-human hand, and lightly brushed a tear off her cheek. “Just like always.”

“I don’t want you to!” Her eyes snapped shut, and her head ducked away like she’d been burned. “Why can’t you just let us help, Reyna?”

”You can’t help, Sylvie.” I reached out to grab Vigil. He was stuffed in with the rest of my stuffed animals—my stuffed animals?

Every single one of the black plushies had their heads ripped off, scattering cotton all across the ground. Black strands of fur were mixed into the mess like some monster got into my room and ripped everything to pieces. Claw marks dragged down across my posters, shredding through dozens of Guardians and Canaries. Had I… had I done that?

“No! No, Reyna.” Sylvie used her big girl voice, and blocked me. Her fingers interlaced with my abomination of a hand. “I won’t let you past me unless you tell me what’s going on. H-how did this happen?”

I took a deep breath, and looked up at the only poster left untouched on my wall. Guardian Tidebreak smiled down at me, with a giant autograph across the bottom half of it. What would Quinn do? Heh, she’d probably tell me to man up and just do it. Didn’t she do as much with quitting alcohol? If she could do that, I could do this. 

Right, I’m telling her. Right, right, right. How did I tell her? “I…”

My apartment room turned dead silent. Sylvie looked up at me with such an unguarded, caring expression that it physically hurt my heart. I used to think I’d rather kill myself than tell her, but now? I looked down at my corrupted hand. Not telling her would hurt her more… Was that something new? Or had it always been this way?

Sylvie didn’t say anything. She just stood with me patiently as I tried to find my voice once more. It took much, much longer than I expected. Long enough that I could feel the weight of time and press of air against my chest as my breathing quickened. 

”I’m a Psyker.” The words finally spilled out. I thought it’d feel like a weight pulled off my shoulders. Instead, it left me empty and broken like I’d failed to protect her. 

My head stayed bowed, and my tail curled defensively around my legs. I couldn’t bear to see her face. To see the condemnation and hatred boiling in her eyes. I hid it so long from her for what? For it to be forced out because I wasn’t strong enough to overcome a single moment of weakness? How would she even look at me for being so weak? If she chose to abandon me here, I deserved it. I’d abandon me too in a heartbeat.

Sylvie’s fingers were still wrapped around my beastly hand. I waited for her to let go. Any second now it’d happen. Please don’t. I wanted to cry out. Please, Sylvie. Just—just a little longer. Don’t let go. I’m not ready yet.

She’d never call me sister again, would she? I hadn’t realized how much I loved hearing it. If I never heard her call for me again… could I even still live? Would I want to live? 

My breathing came in faster and faster, turning into short, raspy pants that no doubt made me look even uglier in her eyes. My hand was already monstrous. How long until that spread to the rest of me? Spots appeared at the corners of my eyes, and it felt like there wasn’t enough air in the room. Please don’t leave me—

”It’s okay, Reyna.” Sylvie grabbed my chin and gently lifted it so I’d meet her eyes. My heart thundered as I braced myself for the disgust I’d spent years imagining. She was crying, and somehow smiling at me like the most beautiful angel. She reached up, and lovingly brushed a strand of silver hair out of my face. “It’s always been okay. No matter what you are, you’re always my big sister.”

She spoke in such strong absolutes that I felt my heart melt. For once, I didn’t wonder whether she was only saying it to make me feel better. Whether she was burying her own pain for my sake. For once, I wanted to be selfish and just believe her so badly. So I did.

”Sylvie.” My voice choked up. Maybe, maybe if the broken pieces of my heart all melted enough, they’d be reforged anew into something stronger. Or that was how I felt as I pulled her into a tight hug. Her refreshing scent washed over me, and my lungs finally started to work. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” she whispered. Her arms wrapped around me, and her tail followed suit a moment later around my calf.

I just held her, listening to her breathe as her arms wrapped around me. Her hands traced a soothing circle on my back. I wanted to return the favor, but my warped hand felt off so I just gave up. I didn’t want to ruin this.

“Why…” I swallowed thickly as I pulled away. The words stayed stuck in my throat. I wasn’t even sure if it was okay to ask. Sylvie was my sister, though. It was okay, wasn’t it? It’d been weighing heavily on my mind. “Why did you scream at me last night?” 

“… I never screamed at you?” Sylvie looked genuinely confused. That confusion was devoured by such an intense heartbreak that I was worried I infected her. “Oh, Reyna. How bad does it get? When you—you’re…”

”Off my meds?” My ears perked up, but she did not look amused by the joke. She could’ve been lying, of course. It wouldn’t be the first time. But this was my sweet little sister, and I’d just told myself that I’d believe her. “It’s like… like there’s a thousand voices in my head, all vying for attention and control. I can’t—I can’t quite put it into words? It’s like schizophrenia, almost?”

”Have you been dealing with this the whole time?” She pulled me back to my bed. Her cute canine poked out as she bit her lip in thought.

”Since I was thirteen-ish. Usually it’s not so bad, but last night was…” Last night I started corrupting really fast. Was it because I felt like I deserved it? Psyker Corruption had a lot to do with state of mind. After tearing out that Anarch’s heart, I definitely hadn’t been in a good state. Then Lena invaded, and… and it felt like Sylvie was finally turning on me. 

“Why didn’t you ever tell me, Reyna?” She held my disgusting corrupted hand. I could still feel everything as she slowly stroked up along the black-silver fur there, and traced the contours of my fingers. “We could’ve worked through this together.” 

“You were so young back then, and I wanted to protect you. It was better you didn’t know, Sylvie.” My shoulders sagged. I hadn’t even worked up the courage to tell her I used to work for gangs until after I became a Canary. There was no chance I told her something even worse about myself. 

“What about after I became an Awoken? Or a Guardian? Would you have ever told me if I hadn’t seen this?” Her hand paused on my monstrous one. I almost wanted to wiggle so she’d continue, but I held myself back. Nobody liked a needy person.

”No,” I answered honestly. I would’ve never told her if it hadn’t been forced out of me. I almost didn’t tell her with it still being forced out. “I wouldn’t have.”

“Oh.” Her fingers twitched. She just nodded simply and returned to stroking my hand. It felt oddly soothing. My… my new werewolf hand was surprisingly sensitive. “What about inhibitors. You need more of those, right? That’s what Lena brought over?”

”I have one extra hidden away… but yeah.” I always needed more. More, more, more until I could finally get that cure from the Biosystems. Right, I’d been too out of it last night, but I should’ve gotten a ton of Vitae from the diner. Heh, at least 25. “Can we—can we keep this from Quinn? Please?” 

”Do you think you can?” Sylvie lifted my hand up. She was still holding it without disgust or fear. Thankfully, she didn’t keep asking about Lena. 

“No.” Quinn would immediately know it when she saw it. We were trained to spot this kinda thing. Guardians especially were trained to carefully watch for signs of corruptions in their Canaries. That was the entire reason my profession existed. 

“We’ll have to get you a glove or something.” Because your hand is so fucking hideous. My biggest fears were coming real one by one… and somehow it didn’t feel so bad with Sylvie sitting with me through it. “Or maybe we could say you were partially corrupted in the field—“

”I’d be retired.” Being part of Harbor and helping people was the only way I put up with myself outside of Sylvie… but maybe it wasn’t so bad to let go? I could knit mittens or something. I wasn’t sure how well the retirement pay was. Most Canaries died in the field. 

“Would that be so bad? In a few years I’ll be a full fledged Guardian—“

“Yes, it would be.” Regardless of what I thought about it, Hades would have a very strong opinion. I couldn’t tell Sylvie about them. I refused. If she wasn’t already looking at me like I was a monster, she definitely would be by then. Too many secrets had already been ripped into the light anyway. “I’ll just cut it off.”

”Reyna! No!” Sylvie looked absolutely horrified by the suggestion. She curled around my werewolf hand protectively, and even her tail curled around it. “How could you suggest that?!”

”I heal quick. It’s, uh, part of my ability.” I laughed softly and pulled it out of her lap. “I’ll cut it off, and hopefully regrow a human hand.”

”Even if you can regrow a limb, wouldn’t that hurt?” Her watery eyes filled with worry once more. “And what if it grows back like this? You can’t just keep cutting it off.”

”It wouldn’t be anything I haven’t felt before.” Her eyes turned as the words left my mouth. With my guard down, I let way too much slip. I quickly turned to her other question. “I’ll keep cutting it off or something. Maybe I could get a pair of thick gloves?”

It was noticeably inhuman, but I might be able to cover it up if I always wore a pair of gloves. Or maybe I could try and find some kind of anomaly to hide it? An enchanted item could work too just like my collar from Hades. That’d need a lot of money, though. Even with my increased salary and sales from merch, I wouldn’t be able to afford that kind of thing.

“Gloves… it worries me your first instinct is to self-harm. I knew you’d been having a rough time lately, but not this rough.” She nudged a clump of black fur with her foot. “How much of your fur did you rip out?”

”I don’t remember.” My tail wagged softly between us, showing off the silver fur that’d already regrown. For once, my quick healing felt like a source of pride as I practically beamed at her. “It’s all back. I told you I heal quick.”

”Your fur’s so beautiful, Reyna.” She pulled my tail in her lap, and softly stroked it. It instantly started to wag as her hands ran along its length. “It’s so cozy and comforting… it makes me sad you ripped out so many chunks of silver.”

”Silver?” I blinked in confusion, and glanced back down. A strange bolt of dysphoria hit me as I spotted the silver strands across the ground. They were all silver. H-had they always been silver? No, they were definitely black.

I groaned softly and clutched at my head. They definitely turned black. When I was off my meds… off my meds… had I always hallucinated it? I tried to think back, but my head throbbed uncomfortably. I still wasn’t recovered from almost going off the deep end.

”Are you okay?” Her hand clamped down around my tail as if to hold me in place. Panic instantly started to fill her—

”T-thank you. For saving me,” I muttered. My ears lowered down to the sides of my head. I was supposed to be the one saving her, not the other way around.

“You did it yourself.” Sylvie shook her head. “By the time I busted your door down, the needle was already sticking out of your neck. Inhibitor, right?” 

”Yeah?” I definitely didn’t do it myself. I was so comfortable and falling deeper and deeper into sleep… my eyes darted up to Vigil. Did my adorable plushie do it himself? He saved me. Again. It was funny how much he’d done that lately. 

I stood up, and grabbed Vigil. Sylvie stood up alongside me like she didn’t ever want to leave me. “Where are you going?”

”To clean up…” I looked around my room. “Would you help me clean this up, Sylvie? I really made a mess of things.”

”Of course. You just give me the word, and I’ll do everything I can, sis.” She resolutely nodded her head. 

I tried not to smile at the sight. She really meant it, didn’t she? For a moment, I almost wanted to tell her what I was planning… almost. She’d only worry, though, and I’d already worried her enough for one night. Wasn’t protecting her the whole reason I’d kept all my secrets in the first place?

My eyes trailed to my disgusting hand. With her distracted, I should be free to get chopping. Heh, I’d really need to dice it to fit down the disposal. ”Thank you. I’ll be right back to help you.”