River City Connections — 2025-12-12 (Patreon)

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GOOD MORNING

Michael and I both took off a little early today. ClearStream keeps him going nine or more hours most days. I worked really late on Thursday before I could find and fix the error my boss introduced into a new batch of functions on the development server. So, kicking off the shoes a couple hours early is justifiable.

We were only a few blinks away from getting dressed up and going out, before we changed our minds and opted for DoorDash to his condo. We’ll save the night out for tomorrow.

Now, normally, the idea of a night a day from now out would have me in cold sweats! For some reason, I’m not.

Time for me to share my mom’s theory.

Naturally, my decline during and after college was concerning to her, and the years of trying to help me have made her something of an expert, at least with regard to my condition.

“Cindi, your dad and I have a theory…”

When she says that, I’ve learned to expect ideas formed from some amalgamation of Air Force engineer and second grade teacher.

“We think the last few years have seen you grow from nearly frozen by fear to comfortable with your routine—which included fairly routine panic episodes and tough anxiety moments.”

I said that seemed right.

“Now, look at you in Memphis… New routines, so far, and different anxieties, but not as… disabling, right?”

Again I agreed.

“When you come home, we want you to think about this. You know about paired stimuli…”

Like I said, Mom made herself an expert. "Paired stimulus" is essentially when you repeatedly present two things together until they become associated in someone's mind.

Mom went on. “Our theory is that all of the things around you everyday at home have become connected to anxiety triggers. You see the logs by the fireplace and that’s somehow become linked to your fear of being trapped in a fire. We think you’ve paired your daily life with your irrational fears.”

“I’m listening…”

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“So we think sometimes, when you see things around you that have become part of your routine, they give rise to your anxiety. You’ve connected the mailbox with stranger-danger…”

“Mom, I’m not sure I fully follow…”

“You know you always feel like you should be doing something different when you’re working… You’ve paired that anxiety with work.”

“Okay,” I replied. “Let’s say I eventually understand your theory… Are you suggesting something?”

“So, we think maybe we should… like clear out all your furniture and rugs and everything and just make it look like a completely different place. Repaint… New colors… New smells… All new stimuli, so you don’t get triggered… as much… or at least not in the same ways…”

“You want to remodel my house?” I’m sure I was blinking my eyes and shaking my head incredulously.

“I was thinking redecorate. So, your catalog of anxiety triggers isn’t connected to anything anymore. Sweetie, I think you’ve accepted your panic attacks as being part of the routine. Now that your routine is different, you're not in the habit of panicking every time you have to take the trash bin to the street.”

I let her ideas roam around for a few seconds, then I said, “So, you think the anxiety I have in the hotel is different because I’m not accustomed to the… stimuli… And when I’m at home, I expect myself to panic because… that’s what I do when I go to the mailbox.

“Yes! Not every time. But you won’t even use the router table in your workshop. It’s like you know if you try, you’ll have an anxiety attack.”

That example hit me hard. I’ve never even mentioned it, and just thinking about it on the phone, I felt my heart start racing. I have no idea what or how, but she’s right about the router in my workshop.

“Mom, this is a lot to think about… you want to replace everything?”

“Well, I was hoping you’d think about this. Maybe think about when you most often have a panic attack, and where you are… what you were trying to do… that sort of thing… Then, maybe in a few days, we can pinpoint the most common… the things that are part of your routine that most frequently go along with your breakdowns. Maybe Dad and I can make the changes on those before you get back.”

I told her I’d take some time to think about her idea and let her know when and where things set me off most often.

And, I’ll just go ahead and say I’ll get rid of the router table. Maybe get a different one in a few… years!

Just think about this… what if she’s right? What if fresh paint and a new sofa replace the old… stimuli… and my anxiety changes? It’s a lot to think about, but I feel a little hope!

I know this was long, so if you’re still reading, thanks! I’ll wrap up with a little paraphrase…

“I can do all things through God who gives me strength.”

And you can too!

Be your best you!

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