GROWING UP JASON ~ Coming of Age (Patreon)

Most of the biggest moments of my life during high school and college were covered in Ailana’s “Growing Up Ailana” chapters. Instead of taking up a lot of time retelling them, I’m just going to borrow from her story to give the details.

I’ll just say in summary that high school was a time when I learned how to be the person I thought I should be. I played baseball and fell in love with photography.

You might have thought I was going to say “fell in love with Ailana.” That happened, too—as much as was possible for a young man growing into adulthood.

Today, in this chapter, I’ll revisit key moments of my life as they were told by Ailana in her account. I’ll take my story through high school and college.

From GROWING UP AILANA ~ Becoming Ailana

…naturally, some of the lessons from 9th grade came from the teacher.

Mr. Schnider was, as he liked to say, too old to be our father and too young to be our grandfather. He candidly told us that he thought grades were pointless. Yet, he taught enthusiastically and he was entertaining.

I, however… <skipping ahead>

A few more defining things happened in that class. I’ll share one more.

Mr. Schnider sponsored the photography club. A boy at my table, Jason Keller, saw his camera on the front desk one day and showed interest.

“Do you want to take some pictures? It’s digital, so shoot away.”

I knew it was an expensive camera. Looking back the body must have been around $1000 and the lens at least $500. Mr. Schnider turned it on and handed it to Jason.

“You mean I can just play with it?”

“Sure…”

Mr. Schnider saw me looking. “Model for him. Just pretend to be doing math or something. Don’t look at the camera…”

Jason and I did no science that day. We took turns playing with the camera. We “modeled” for each other. We took pictures of lab stuff. We took pictures of some of the other kids (his friends—I was still new).

It was amazing. Then, the next day, once everyone else was working, Mr. Schnider turned the whole day before into a science lesson about light, color, and lenses and everything to do with what we had done.

Jason and I decided to join the photo club, and that set me on an obvious path. It also created a friendship that would be part of my life for the rest of that year and next 7 after it.

And from that friendship, in the years that passed, emerged other key moments in my life, events that had deep meaning that shaped certain aspects of who I became.

From GROWING UP AILANA ~ Sweet 16

On January 1, 2013, I turned 16 years old—The middle of 10th grade. I had been, the night before, to something like a New Years Eve party at church (where Jason’s dad was pastor and where I attended). Grace and her boyfriend-du-jour (Ricky) were there.

At 5 minutes to midnight she said, “You have to find someone to kiss when the New Year comes in. It’s for good luck!”

I didn’t have a boyfriend, but Jason was there and we were friends. We agreed to play along with Grace’s theory. Hence, I managed to avoid, just as the clock struck twelve, fitting the somewhat pejorative classification of “sweet sixteen, but never been kissed.”

From GROWING UP AILANA ~ Others Do Matter

As I watched my dad languish in resignation to an idea that he couldn't please people, no matter how hard he tried, I made the decision that I simply wouldn’t care what others thought.

I set out to be like Grace. I would give to those I could when I could, wherever I was. I would be like Mr. Schnider and encourage people and give them a chance. I’d be nice, smart, kind, and thoughtful, and if people didn’t like that, too bad.

As the summer of 2014 arrived, I, at 17 years of age, left my junior year with it all figured out.

You will recall that I mentioned Jason Keller from freshman year. We were good friends continually from then on. His dad was pastor of the church I had joined and he was on the baseball team. Adding in photography club, we had a lot in common.

We went to the 11th grade Homecoming Dance as a couple, and it was nice. He was still the only boy I’d kissed, and he walked me to the door and politely kissed me goodnight.

So, the summer before our senior year, we hung out a lot. He played travel team baseball, which all the varsity starters had to do (which is why I sat the bench in 11th and 12th grade—unable to afford travel team). But besides that, we had a lot of time.

Going to Buckley Homestead or Lemon Lake and taking pictures was probably how we spent most of it. Looking back, I honestly think we were dating, but just didn’t call it that. I believe we wanted to have a 17-year-old romance, but didn’t know the rules, so we spent time taking photos of… anything—probably mostly an excuse to be together.

One of our trips to Buckley led to me doing the most naughty thing I did in high school. And led also to one of the most profound lessons I learned (and am still learning).

We were in the back fields trying to take pictures of goldfinches on the wild flowers. It was a long way from the parking lot and it began to rain. We started back, and the bottom fell out!

There’s a log cabin used for their reenactments (I got a pic from GoogleMaps), and that day it was open.

He grabbed my hand, laughing, as we ran, splashing down the path. “Run!”

I was laughing, too. “I am! Go faster!”

We ducked into the cabin out of the rain and quickly wiped the water off our iPhones, still laughing.

Then he looked up at me, and his expression changed as he averted his eyes. “Ailana… you’re… clinging…”

I looked down and pulled my soaked t-shirt away from my braless, almost-AA chest, then looked up at the impressive cleavage of his sizable weight-room pecs. “So are you!”

I could feel my wet t-shirt adhering once more to my skin, but he laughed and said. “Yeah… well, I’m a dude. I can do this…”

He pulled off his shirt and rung water out of it, then gave it a shake.

With no thought to anything beyond the moment, I laughed and turned my back to him, pulling my shirt off as he had done. “Well, I can do that, too!”

“Ailana! What are you doing!”

I had given in to a playful impulse. I had no agenda for anything to happen.

I kept facing away as I rung out my shirt. “Same as you!”

“You’re a girl!”

I glanced back. “You’ve seen my back before when we were swimming.”

“It’s not the same! What would people think?”

I gave my shirt a shake and pulled it back on, turning to him. “I don’t care what people think. There’s nothing wrong with what I did.”

Jason shook his head. “But, people would get the wrong idea. They wouldn’t know… that… nothing happened.”

“I didn’t do anything bad.”

“No, but people would wonder…” Jason looked out the open door into the pouring rain as he put his own shirt on. “What people think matters, Ailana.”

“You can’t live your life trying to meet expectations of everyone else.”

“No, but… "

I waited for him to finish, then urged him on. “But what?”

“But perceptions affect what people think you’re about. I try to stand up for living a pure life… What would happen if word got out that I was in the log cabin at Buckely with a half-naked girl running around the room?”

I shook my head. “I was hardly running around the room, and you’ve seen lots of girls in a two-piece at the pool.”

“It’s not the same, and you know it. Truth is, I probably shouldn’t have stripped mine off like that… Being alone… makes things different.”

I shrugged and looked down.

“I dunno…” Jason stepped closer, and that somehow shattered the guilt that was trying to creep into my thoughts. “Look… I want to stand for purity… If word got out that I was here with you topless… that we both had our shirts off… Nobody would listen to anything I have to say about living a pure life. They’d assume… you know…”

I looked at him. “Okay… your reputation is safe… I promise not to tell anyone that… shock and scandal… I let you see my spine.”

“Ailana… that’s not the point. You said what people think doesn’t matter, but it does. The teachers… In part, they approve or disapprove of your dad based on how you act. The reputation of your friends spills over onto you, too…

Jason moved step closer and everything felt a little better as he said. “And for me… preacher kid? The whole congregation is looking. If the bluehairs at church knew… He’d get fired.”

I rolled my eyes. “Okay, I’m sorry. It was… just a moment… I was playing around… I wasn’t trying to do anything bad…”

“Look… you’re amazing, and if you want to have a chance to stand up for good things… Okay, so, who you are comes from what you think about yourself, but… like… your reputation comes from what other people think, and… if you have something to say, it’s your reputation that matters.”

That sunk in fast. Those words… Looking back through the years, I have to say that the voices of 16, 17, 18 year-olds need to be heard more often. That day, there in the rain, 17 year old Jason nailed down something I am still trying to fully understand. We are us, but our message rides on the back of our reputations.

I inched toward Jason; we were probably 6 feet apart, but it felt so much closer. “So… what’s my reputation? Around school…”

“You're the nice, smart, thoughtful girl that should have been a cheerleader, not a shortstop. And… pure… Hands off, guys. They think… we’re…”

I smiled and interrupted (which looking back, I wish I hadn’t). “I don’t have enough money to be a cheerleader. That’s more than softball.”

“Yeah…” Jason nodded.

I thought about all he said again and shook my head. “I’m really sorry that me taking off my shirt could have got your dad in trouble… But… like… who would know?”

The rain was still beating leaves off the trees. There was a look on Jason’s face as if he wanted to say something, but didn’t know how.

I thought of something I thought fit the flow of the conversation. “You know I didn’t mean anything by it, right?”

“I know… But… I was surprised. And…like other dudes… It’s not what you mean. It’s what they think you mean, you know?”

“I wouldn’t have done that around other guys.”

Jason shrugged but didn’t say anything.

I took his hand, then led him to the little bench by the wall, and we sat down. “Jason, I know you. I like you… I trust you… I thought it would be funny. I knew you… wouldn’t… do anything…”

Jason squeezed my hand, and he swallowed hard, then with a trembling voice, he said. “Ailana… just… just because I wouldn’t doesn’t mean I don’t want to…”

We agreed that it would be our secret, that we wouldn’t tell anyone ever. But it was such a defining moment, I reached out to Jason and let him review this story before posting it. He agreed that it had some good lessons and was surprised that I thought that day was so important.

But it was important.

I had entered that summer totally rejecting the idea that I needed to think about what others thought. After that rainstorm, I had to refine my views.

I am not defined by what others think. But what others think defines the degree to which they will listen to my ideas.

So a tension exists, and I—we all—must live within it.

From GROWING UP AILANA ~ Ordering Words

Fall of 2014 ushered in my senior year of high school. And with the new year came new classes and some new ideas.

I had enjoyed my 11th grade English course enough to get recommended for AP 12th Grade English.

Entering the room, I took a seat at a table where I would be joined by 3 more students. I watched as the other kids came in. I knew some of the AP-everything kids from my science classes. Most, though, were new to me.

Three girls came in together and asked to join me. I knew their faces and had US History with one of them; Bella. I knew they were smart and thought they were nice.

Lowell was on the frontier of a learning philosophy called Project Based Learning, so being in teams was a part of the process. I thought the girls that sat with me would be a good team. After the class went through the motions of creating our “class culture” the teacher told us to get to know our team.

Bella started off pointing to the other two “Ailana, we sort of know each other from church… So… We can… get to know you…”

“Okay.”

Liv then said. “What's it like to be going out with a preacher’s son? All us nice girls are so jealous that you’ve had him since freshman year!”

I was double shocked. First, by the assumption that Jason and I were dating. But that some group called “nice girls” existed that I didn’t know about (meaning I was not in it) shocked me, more.

Bella read my face. “She didn’t mean we’re the only nice girls… probably should say the girls at our church. I mean… we don’t think you’re not nice, right?”

Liv covered her mouth. “Oh… I’m sorry it came out like that.”

I never got to answer the question.

Kate, the third girl, then said. “You’re friends with John, right?”

I nodded. “Yeah… We hang out sometimes… Me, Jason, John, Grace and…”

Bella smiled. “…and whoever she’s going out with…”

Grace had dated at least 2 different guys each school year.

“Is he nice?” Kate asked. “We’re in art 1st block. We… hit it off…”

Liv smiled. “She’s catching feels”

Kate smiled. “He’s cute… he’s smart… and he has a nice sense of humor…”

Finally, they let me get to the answer. “He’s nice, if you ask me…”

“No drugs? He won’t try to get in my pants?”

The question caught me off guard. “Well, for sure no drugs… And I don’t think he’s had much experience with girls besides me and Grace… He does a lot of Minecraft…”

Kate smiled. “So do I…”

I went back to their first question. “So… about Jason… we’ve never put a label on things.”

There was some back and forth on that point, then Bella blew my mind. “So, if you saw Jason walking with some other girl holding her hand, what would you feel?”

I have no idea what my body said, but I sure my words were very understated. “I… wouldn’t… want to see that…”

Kate smiled. “Girl… you need to have a talk…”

I took her advice, and will elaborate on that in another chapter…

From GROWING UP AILANA ~ Could This Be?

It was after school on the 2nd day of senior year before I had a chance to talk seriously with Jason. (He had a team meeting after school the 1st day, so instead of him taking me home as usual, I rode the bus home.) We had AP Biology together during 1st block and lunch, but I didn’t want to talk about us dating then, in front of others.

On the way from the building to his car, I took him by the hand and said, “Jason, I don’t want to see you holding hands with any other girl.”

He squeezed my hand and looked at me funny. “I wasn’t holding hands with any other girls.”

“And I don’t want you to.”

“What’s this about?”

I told him about the table of girls in English. “They assumed we’re going out.”

He looked down. “A lot of people assume. I… started to tell you when we got caught in the rain. The guys on the team call you my girlfriend.”

“You don’t mind?”

He shook his head. “I like how that sounds. I like the… idea… I… I don’t know… We… should have… I should have said something a year ago, to be honest.”

“You like the idea of me… being your…” I chickened out saying the g-word.

“I’m sorry… I… Well, we… you know… It got to the point I sort of just figured we are… I should have asked…”

“Are we? Have we been going out all this time?”

We got to his car and stopped. “I think… like… aren’t you assuming we’re going to hoco together?”

“Homecoming? Of course… I assumed…”

“Me too… so… we… have been…” Jason finally let go of my hand and fished his keys from his pocket. “I should’ve… Last spring at least…” 

“The girls say we’ve dated since freshman year.”

Jason unlocked the car and opened my door. “I dunno… I… never… I dunno…”

I got in as he went around to his side. When we were both buckled, I pressed for him to finish.

“You never what?”

He started the car. “In all the years… I… never…”

The silence went on too long. “You never what?”

“I never thought of going out with anyone besides you.”

I let that sink in as I realized I’d never thought about dating anyone. My mind raced. If my sense of self had a space for a boyfriend, I had filled it with Jason, even though we had never put a label on it.

My reply seems really vapid, but I looked at him and smiled. “Really?”

He smiled back. “For sure, after New Year's Eve when you turned 16 when… we kissed for luck… I thought I had to be the luckiest person ever, that night…”

Again, my reply was terrible. “Wow… I never knew…”

Jason backed out and started for the exit of the parking lot. “So… I guess we… should slow down and talk about this.”

“Okay.”

“Can I come get you like… 5:00? We can go down to Arby’s… Sit and talk.”

“Okay… but, how about Denny’s?” I thought sitting in a booth there would be nicer for a conversation.

“Sure…”

Jason was on time, and we got to Denny’s and ordered. Then, we sat for a long time making small talk, both nervous about having a serious discussion.

Finally, he said. “Well… okay… going out… I guess we should make it official?”

I nodded. “Or has it been official already?”

“Yeah… good point.” He sipped his soda. “Do… does anything change?”

“Maybe… I don’t know… like…”

I had been thinking since the first day in English that it would be great for him to kiss me goodnight sometimes. Or all the time. There was no way I could say that.

“Ailana… My dad has this thing he says. I’ve heard him tell my sister. If you are dating someone you know isn’t right for marriage, you should stop. Every day you are with the wrong person is a day you might miss the right person.”

“What’s that supposed to mean for us?” I was still trying to tell him I wanted him to kiss me.

“Just that… like…” He shook his head. “Okay, so we’re 17 and probably don’t know anything about life, but… like, the way things are… I could see us… you know… being together always… You know?”

“You mean getting married?”

“Not now… but… like… after college?”

“Oh… Well… have you been thinking about this?”

Jason shrugged. “On and off… I guess when I started assuming… we were together… I should have asked.”

I looked down. “I never even thought. Like, I don’t know… I took how things have been to be just how they are… I mean, I guess I always assumed…”

“Well,” Jason said, “if we ever… figure out it’s not… going anywhere, we should… you know… break up.”

“Because of what your dad told your sister…” I thought about it, and it made sense.

Then, Jason reached across the table and took my hands. “Ailana, I could see this being forever. I know we don’t know, but it could happen.”

I nodded. I had nothing to say that disagreed.

“So,” he said, “where are we now on all this?”

“I think,” I answered, “we are going to admit what we’ve been doing for a while is going out. I want to tell the girls in English it’s official.”

Jason smiled. “So… I hope this… being official… doesn’t make you nervous or anything. I… being with you… I really like it. Everything… like… the parks and ballgames and photography club. Church, of course… You’re always relaxed and fun. I don’t want anything to change…”

My brain was screaming for me to tell him to kiss me, but I said, “Me too. We’ve always been so close. I just never thought we were… you know… romantic…”

“I guess we’ve been what was right for us. I… really, Ailana… I’ve never once imagined going out with anyone but you, and I guess in the last year, I’ve just accepted that we were, even though… you know… we never talked about it.”

We got a slice of chocolate cake to split, then spun back through the conversation and talked about good times we had together. We sat there for what seemed like a long time, then the waitress brought the check.

Jason dug some cash out of his wallet and put it with the check, then he seemed ready to finalize the conversation. “So, we’re going out officially, now.”

“Yes, officially,” I said. “And, I can’t wait to… someday… actually hear you tell somebody that I’m your girlfriend and not just imagine it.’

A bus boy was coming by at just that moment—a guy Jason knew. Jason waved him over.

“Micah… I didn’t know you worked here.”

“Yeah, man… Since end of last school year.”

Jason pointed at me. “Do you know Ailana?”

He looked at me. “Hey… Yeah… I mean just like who she is.”

I smiled. “Hi. I don’t think we had classes together.”

Jason looked at me, then at Micah. “Ailana’s my girlfriend.”

I thought I was going to melt. No moment in all my 17 years had ever felt so good. I was smiling, blushing, and my stomach was performing several circus acts all at once.

But Micah’s response sort of cooled things off. “Yeah… everyone knows that… Nice seeing you…”

Micah smiled and headed toward the kitchen. But I was still smiling so hard I thought my face was going to crack.

I was still smiling when we got back to my house. Jason usually walked me to the door, and of course he did that night.

“I got to do all those vocab words for Bio…” This time, he held my hand as we walked.

“Me too…”

We got to the porch and he said, “Okay… I’m really happy… about all this.”

“Me too…” Then my feelings finally overcame my fear. “Kiss me goodnight. Like a boyfriend.”

The third kiss of my life from a boy—from the only boy I had ever kissed—was amazing.

From GROWING UP AILANA ~ Rejected

My senior year of high school began in fall of 2014 and before it ended, I racked up a long list of rejections. Sometimes, I received the rejection. But I gave out a few, too. To be sure, there were some acceptances, as well.

I was hired at a grocery store across the street from the high school to do stock work and as a cashier. I saved as much as I could. Either Dad or Jason would take me home after work, which would, in the spring, come after softball practice.

The list of schools that accepted me was not nearly as long as the list of scholarships I didn’t get. I wanted to study something connected to writing–my dream was to write fiction.

In the end, I enrolled in Indiana University Northwest in Gary and would live at home. Between my job, scholarships, and a work-study program at the university, I was able to enroll in a BA in English program in the writing track. I’d get a minor in Creative Writing.

Jason got a baseball scholarship to Valparaiso University (about 40 minutes from Lowell) and would live in the dorms. He planned to major in management and get a minor in art—we both still loved photography.

We knew things would be different with us on different campuses, but all things considered, those were our best choices.

From GROWING UP AILANA ~ New Horizons

Beyond what has already been mentioned in previous chapters, senior year passed, we graduated, and then came the summer before college. And that… naturally… led to college.

College inherently ushers in new horizons. We leave the incubator of home and high school and venture into new realms filled with new people and new opportunities.

Between my dad and my job at the grocery store, I managed to get something that behaved like a car. Most days. Dad was able to keep it running so I could go back and forth to IUN.

That first year, Jason and I continued to keep company as time permitted. It was very different, separated by miles and schedules. But it continued on. His love for photography flourished as he began his art minor. My classes were satisfying and I felt like I was moving toward something.

When I was a sophomore (2016), my grandfather became less and less healthy. Dad was required to do more and more for his parents. I’ll discuss this a little more in the next chapter.

That November, Jason told me about a chance to do some modeling for his photography class. Paid. The door opened.

What came next is informed directly by my physical development. As a 19 year old, I had finally managed to fill an A-cup.

His instructor passed my name on to a commercial photographer who needed an adult model for A-cup swimwear and bras. It was, from my point of view, a lot of money.

Jason had some concerns, but eventually agreed it was a good idea. More fashion shoots followed, and the money rolled in. More than I had ever had at one time.

I used the money to upgrade my car; not new, but way newer. And safer. And more reliable.

Jason was happy to see the outcome of his introduction, even though the bras and bikinis gave him pause.

From GROWING UP AILANA ~ Drifting Away

As I set out to write this chapter, I hesitate. I don’t feel like there is an actual ending, but rather just a stopping place.

Let’s say this begins in 2017, my junior year in college when I was 20. For two decades, my life had been centered in NW Indiana, and much of that time was split between Lowell, where I went to high school, lived, and worked and Gary where I went to IUN.

In the midst of those days were school, family, job, church, and Jason. There was a comfortable connection between all of that. I was anchored. I knew what to expect, for the most part, even if it was to expect the unexpected. My car breaking down was just a thing. Frustrating, but not surprising.

That’s a picture of how things had been for 20 years.

In the “New Horizons” chapter, I mentioned my introduction into modeling. I’ll say that I can cite that opportunity as one of the things that cut the moorings of my life and started the drift.

Another was the death of my grandfather, which precipitated my dad moving to Crown Point with my grammy. That led to me getting an apartment in Merrillville.

Jason, when we graduated, accepted an invitation to do a year-long mission trip. It was a great opportunity to do a lot of good work, and, as you’ll see, it was connected to my modeling… opportunities.

So, here’s the story starting in senior year.

Jason’s dad, the pastor at our church, had a connection to a man who coordinated mission trips to Venezuela. Jason was invited, and since he was debt free, a year without a job wouldn’t matter. He and I were in the process of discussing what that meant for our relationship, but nothing had been decided.

Then, I was approached for a modeling job that would pay really well, but…

By now, you have realized I was a late bloomer (as they say). My modelling of A-cup fashions was paying well and Jason had acknowledged that there was nothing wrong with it.

However, what I was approached to do next gave him pause.

A photographer wanted some shots for an advanced anatomy textbook in a chapter about divergent developmental rates. They were to be (and were) anonymous, no-face shots that would, by use of my slow-to-develop body, illustrate the texts.

I had to make a decision or lose the well-paying opportunity. I’m not sure Jason ever understood what it meant to have literally no money and the insecurity that goes with that.

When I told him I really wanted to take the job he said he’d need some time to get his head around it. The drift began.

Spring-boarding off the anatomy book was some ad work for an augmentation clinic (before, what we can do, after). I was the model for the “before.”

At that point in my life (Jason), in 2019, things felt dreadfully complicated, and I didn’t know how to handle them. I wanted to buy some time, so I went on a year-long mission trip to Venezuela.

But Ailana ended her chapter this way:

Jason responded by accepting the invitation to go abroad for a year.

The photographer for the ad then invited me to pose for a gallery art show. Very tasteful nudes. Shots, with a lot of lighting and shadows. I retained rights to the images, licensing one time exclusive use for the show. Nothing was sold or distributed.

I suppose my views on nudity are different from most. At twenty-two years of age, it seemed benign. To me.

To Jason in Venezuela, it was not benign.

Then, 2020. COVID. Jason took a job with a pharmacy company and was sent to Memphis. His product helped reduce fluid build up in the lungs. He was busy.

Meanwhile, my modeling returned to fashion and product work. And I finally started developing into a more typical silhouette. Despite COVID, I traveled. 

And the drift continued. 

Over the next 4 years, I drifted away from family, church, NW Indiana, and Jason. Decisions followed decisions. And, yes, some mistakes were made.

And as I said early in this retrospective, we are not what happens to us. Rather we are a product of the decisions we make regarding the events of the past. Accepting or rejecting ideas… interpreting events…

So, you'll next hear from me when I was on the trip to Venezuela.

In my next chapter, I'll pick up there, in 2019, when I had separated myself from Ailana and what she was doing by thousands of miles. I don't know what I expected would come of that trip, but I can tell you this—I wasn't at all expecting what happened.

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