Ailana’s Journal—2026-08-23 (and Island Kids) (Patreon)

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GOOD MORNING by Ailana Geven Keller

In recent comments, I mentioned a recurring dream. This chapter follows up on that. Of course I did research.

Freud’s theory that things in dreams have secret meanings has been mostly refuted. Current theories suggest dreams are the efforts of our subconscious to resolve conflicts and solve problems relevant to us. In 1971, Alan Bell and Calvin S. Hall described what Hall called the “continuity hypothesis”: the idea that dream content often reflects the concerns, thoughts, emotions, and experiences of waking life.

I think my recurring dream illustrates that.

It starts when I am six. Melinda Amos Geven is, in the dream, not crazy. She’s loving, wanting the best of life for her family as much as for herself.

She has a job at an insurance company, helping Dad with the bills and making it possible for him to go to night classes to study engineering.

Then the dream shifts, and Emily is born when I am around thirteen, and I help with baby duties like feeding her and giving baths. Then, she’s losing her teeth, but I’m still in high school playing the role of tooth fairy tucking quarters and treats under her pillow.

Then the dream shifts, and somehow, in it, I’m nineteen when she turns thirteen. For her birthday, I host a sleepover on Savannah’s Charm for her and dozens of friends. And in the dream that made perfect sense.

Then the dream shifts, and I’m married to Jason. Dad is an engineer and Emily comes to live with us so Melinda can have a turn at college. And suddenly we’re in South Padre Island and Emily is sixteen.

Then I wake up and the joy of the dream fades. I’m again the daughter whose mother abandoned her, and Emily is again the little girl who was valued mostly for the money her presence could bring in.

I mourn the birthday parties with cake that Emily never had. I weep over the friends she learned not to make. I shudder at the nights she slept on the hard floor of forgotten places.

Fully awake, I’m left torn between my sorry for how things were in the past…

…and my resolve to help shape how things can be in the future.

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RESTORATION by Ailana Geven Keller

We went to an early church service this morning, and afterward I wanted to keep following the conservation side of this trip.

So we headed to the Presidio and Quartermaster Reach Marsh.

This place tells a different story than Muir Woods. Muir Woods survived because people protected what was still there. Quartermaster Reach is about trying to repair something after much of it was already lost.

The original marsh and creek were altered as San Francisco developed, and construction of Doyle Drive in the 1930s buried part of the waterway. Decades later, restoration work brought about 850 feet of the stream back into daylight and reconnected freshwater with Crissy Marsh and San Francisco Bay.

When the restored seven-acre tidal marsh opened in 2020, crews had planted roughly 23,000 native plants representing about forty marsh and dune species. Today, the area provides habitat for birds, fish, crabs and all the other little pieces that make a wetland an ecosystem instead of simply someplace with water.

I kept thinking about the difference between preservation and restoration.

Preservation says, “This is valuable. Don’t lose it.”

Restoration starts later.

It says, “Something was damaged. What can we still save?”

You can’t go backward and make the highway never happen. You can’t recreate every plant, animal or moment exactly as it existed before. But you can remove barriers. You can reconnect the water. You can put native plants back into the ground. You can protect what returns.

And then you give life another chance to do what life does.

Maybe that’s why this place got to me today.

Sometimes we spend too much energy wishing something had never gone wrong when the more useful question is what we can do with what remains.

We don’t get to rewrite yesterday.

But where restoration is possible, we can start making tomorrow as good as we can.

MY DOUBTS by Brooks McKenna

For real, being honest about yourself is hard. Like, you can be honest about what you do—always tell the truth.

But even if you know what you think about yourself, it’s hard to honestly say it out loud.

I had to tell Mateo some things I was barely brave enough to tell myself. When Lucía Snapped me a picture of him with Angelique and said my summer with Mateo was over, I kinda went into dark mode.

I’ve never been popular. I’ve got lots of friends, but that’s not the same.

I’ve never considered myself the kind of girl boys would like, either. I’m friendly, but not flirty. I’m a nice girl who goes to church and tries to live like that makes a difference—to me it does.

Mateo is really the first boyfriend I’ve had. I’d say he’s the first guy to actually notice me that way.

I guess all along I figured it wouldn’t last. I suppose I’m used to seeing myself the way I think others see me—just a plain, ordinary girl who smells like french fry grease and hamburgers.

I guess I don’t have to bring up all the negative stereotypes about gingers! I know for a fact that some people find gingers particularly unattractive.

So what? Second day of school, and I see the first guy to show me the kind of attention I wanted walking—smiling, too—with another girl.

My doubts took over. “Well, you knew it wouldn’t last. Why would it?”

Tuesday after the bus ride, I just pretended nothing had happened. Wednesday after school, Mateo was, like, let’s get to the bottom of this.

Honestly, I think doubting him hurt his feelings. I cried, too, as we talked about my fears.

Then he said a very Mateo thing. “Brooks, I’m in this all the way. I’ve been honest all along, and I don’t see myself changing. If I have my way, you’re stuck with me.”

Now, all I can think about is that he didn’t end that with an “until.”

GOOD NIGHT by Ailana Geven Keller

I hope everyone had a great day. I can say that I did, for sure.

I always learn so much on these trips. That’s what makes these trips so interesting. Then I get to share what I learn with you.

Today, I also learned something from my sister. I’m still processing it, and I have some thoughts to work out.

She called after lunch. “Hey, I just wanted to tell you that Geoni said it was okay for Jenna to come into the condo to change clothes before we go work for Kaylee.”

I told her that was fine. Then she said, “I read your chapter about your dream.”

My heart skipped. “What did you think?”

Her answer was totally different than I expected. “It was cute.”

“Oh…”

“We’re different. You’re dreaming of changing the past. I’m dreaming of changing the future.”

I let that sink in. “So you don’t miss what you didn’t have growing up?”

“Duh… no. I know you wished things were different. I knew all along they never would be. I was too busy planning how to get what I needed to worry about what I didn’t have.”

Ouch. And wow.

Her resolve doesn’t lessen my sadness over what she missed. But it does motivate me to work hard at helping with her dream to change the future.

She’s right about me wishing things had been different. And also about knowing they couldn’t have been. I have a lot to sort out, and she probably does too, though she thinks differently.

May you come to see that some things can’t be restored. They just have to be repaired.

Good night.

Be your best you!

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