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Workshopping "Maid of Money" (Patreon)

Published:
2024-09-16 17:43:45
Edited:
2024-09-16 18:18:28
Imported:
2026-06

Downloads

Poll

Workshopping "Maid of Money"

  • This story is good as is! Edit and Publish 10
  • This story needs more. Do some rewrites 33
  • This story isn't good. Don't waste more time with it. 4
  • 2024-09-16
  • 47 votes
{'title': 'Workshopping "Maid of Money"', 'choices': [{'text': 'This story is good as is! Edit and Publish', 'votes': 10}, {'text': 'This story needs more. Do some rewrites', 'votes': 33}, {'text': "This story isn't good. Don't waste more time with it.", 'votes': 4}], 'closes_at': None, 'created_at': datetime.datetime(2024, 9, 16, 17, 41, 15, tzinfo=datetime.timezone.utc), 'description': None, 'allow_multiple': False, 'total_votes': 47}

Content

Good afternoon everyone!

I have here the rough draft of a new standalone story that I've titled: Maid of Money.

This was meant to be my fourth commissioned piece. I won't go into the sordid details, but long story short, the commissioner abandoned the project, leaving me with the completed rough draft.

I'm considering what to do with the story right now. I'm uncertain of the story's quality, as I've never been a good judge of my own work. It's working with some themes I haven't touched before (most notably findom), so I may have been a little out of my element.

It is a story about a lezdom corruption, but the commissioner requested that the corruptor never be completely nude, and directed that the two female leads should not have sex with each other.

I honestly found these requests a little restrictive, so it may have affected the story quality. I will let you judge for yourself.

I have three options as far as I see it.

A) Clean the story up and release it as is. Like I said, I'm not sure if story quality with this one, but if you guys like it, maybe it doesn't need an overhaul.

B) Do some rewrites adding more direct sexual contact to spice up the story. Probably drop the “I'm not a lesbian” angle from Carly.

C) Scrap the story entirely and consider it a lesson learned about my limitations as a writer.

If you have time to give this a read and let me know what you think I would appreciate it! If you can think if any other changes you think would improve the story, I would live to hear them in the comments!

Comments

Ron Goldman

It's got a good story path, but it would benefit if you reworked a bit of it to be more explicit. There is also a general vibe that you legitimately dislike Carly Domino.If you change that character to be someone you like writing about, you might find yourself enjoying it more. It could also lead to a more intense devotion and submission, I'm not sure how you'll feel.

DeetsandDoots

Yeah. This. It definitely reads clinical and mechanical when it comes to Carly. Like the commissioner had a couple of beats and character traits that he wanted to hit that just didn't do anything for you, but you were obligated to include them. I say, go back. Make it your own. Toss anything that doesn't speak to you and make it yours. As it stands if it was just released as is, it would be one of your weaker stories. Also, the inciting incident is very convoluted. Paula works for Carly (I guess, kind of unclear). And Carly sends her to the homes of her old rich lesbian friends and hope that they're in need of a cleaning service so she can dom them out of their money? But Sophia was a unique mark? It's just such an unbelievable con that relies on a bunch of things happening that Carly would have no way of predicting or controlling.

Rabblelaid's Stories

Thank you both so much for taking the time to look at the story and give your thoughts! It seems like my instincts were correct that this story needs another look. I honestly might put it on the back burner for a little bit to give myself some distance from it. Right now it is a source of some frustration. On the specific subject of the con, I think I explained it poorly on the page. My intent was this: Carly runs a cleaning service where the maids seduce their rich clients and clean them out. Paula didn't start out working for Carly, she was originally a target. One way that Carly finds new marks is by offering her obsessed, destitute victims one final trade: if they "refer a friend", then can receive Carly's services again. Paula sells out Sophia for this reason, and then, before the end of the story, accepts the same deal that Sophia ends up taking and becomes a maid herself. I agree that this is all fairly poorly explained. One more thing to fix in a potential rewrite. I appreciate the feedback!

Be_Be

There's a lot of good stuff here. I think it can benefit from pruning back the concept to the goal being a fun and sexy story. >> The original concept isn't all bad but it doesn't work without having a conceptual mechanic for "Why does this lezdom character need this restriction and how can that make the story even more erotic". >> The original commissioner has the same problem as George Martin. A random idea (no matter how creative) is a sufficient condition but not a sustaining condition. ie, Martin claimed he wrote Game of Thrones because he asked "what was Aragon's tax policy as king of gondor". It's something that might spark an idea. But was never sufficient to write an entire story concept from because it doesn't ask something that requires a story. Tolkien would have immediately explained the nuances of how modern "taxes" didn't exist in the same way in the medieval economy. Noting that custom duties on international shipping & and more generalized "import tariffs" were the closest things many modern people in the street might recognize. >> The moment we ask how did these economic conditions affect the behavior of say medieval Lezdom FinDom types, then we have a story flowing more naturally from even the most obscure places.

Rabblelaid's Stories

Thank you for the feedback! I will certainly admit that my usual strategy of escalation failed me on this one. When the highest possible level of erotic behavior allowed was verbal teasing, it made it difficult to show a slow ramping up of tension and eroticism. Maybe my creativity just failed me on that.

Dodoz

Hey, it’s a shame to hear you had such an experience with a commissioner. I do really enjoy the story overview although I agree with your thought that some reworking outside of the previous restrictions would help.

Be_Be

No it's genuinely hard to do mind fucking or power dynamic fun when there's nowhere to go from there. If you were writing a YA book for junior highschool kids leaving it at teasing might work. But the commissioner went to a Lamborghini mechanic and insisted they put a Honda Accord engine instead.