Dark Lord of the NEET (Patreon)

Hey folks! Hope all is well out there.

November has begun, and I'm hearing the build up towards Christmas getting started. Hopefully I've got a little longer before I have to start working out what kinds of presents to buy folks...

Well, that can wait. For now, I've still got a couple of stories from last season to go through here before we start ringing bells and singing carols. Hope you enjoy this tale of monster hunters and the fiends they fight!

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Eclaire hated the fall. It was a wet, dark season, marked by the nights growing longer, and life slowly leaching out of the greenery. The forces of evil grew stronger with every passing day, and the light grew dim. All foretold by the scent of gentle decay, carried across the city by the dry western wind.

As a Hunter, as one of the few guardians of the light left in this world that seemed so steadfastly determined to leave her kind behind, the decline of summer meant an increased workload, a harder time tracking her foes, and more dangerous opponents when she did. The family business had never been easy, but it was the fall months she always felt were the worst.

But it was that very business that brought her here, to Evercryst, a city on the American east coast. A welcome change of pace, in many ways – she was used to spending her days stomping through the undergrowth in the wilderness. Modern cities were a different kind of beast. A dangerous one, yes, but also one with easy access to hot coffee on demand.

A job like this made you appreciate the little pleasures in life.

So, coffee in hand, Eclaire stalked the streets in a thick woollen coat, black, and made sure her hat was pulled down low enough to hide her eyes from anyone watching above, while still concealing her long black hair. Combined with her scarf, it was enough to cover her face from most cameras. You never knew who was watching through those, after all – the forces of darkness had adjusted to the modern era far better than the light had, it felt.

Sure, it probably made her look a little scary to people who passed her, but that was fine. She was a little scary. One didn’t become a Hunter without learning at least fifty ways to kill someone unarmed – and she was far from unarmed. The arsenal she was carrying under her coat would get her arrested after even the mildest of searches.

She probably didn’t need all of it, to be honest. Despite their love of modern technology, the forces of darkness tended to avoid cities. Too many people. Humans noticed outsiders quickly. They were perfectly content preying on each other, after all, and didn’t appreciate the competition from the supernatural. Even the roughest of neighbourhoods would catch demons and werewolves stalking about the place.

Which was why today’s mission was so unusual – according to the clan’s scryers, some dark force of malevolence had set up shop right here in the heart of the city. Not even trying to be the least bit subtle about it, either. That meant one of two things – that some rookie demon summoner had set up shop in the stupidest place imaginable, and the nearest Hunter had to rush to the scene quickly before they revealed magic to the entire world (always a messy affair, never ended well, they’d wiped humanity’s memories of it all over twenty times now)… or something truly malevolent was happening, and the nearest Hunter had to rush over and try to stop it.

Eclaire had been the nearest Hunter, so either way, here she was. Roaming the city, trying to detect whatever traces of dark energy she could. And there was dark energy around, that was clear as soon as she arrived. Someone had done something big…

It wasn’t hard to find what she was looking for, in the end. Eclaire zoned in on it very quickly. Once she found the right district, you could see the stupid thing for miles around.

“Oh for… This is going to draw all sorts of the wrong kind of attention,” the Hunter muttered.

Ahead of her, rising up and dominating the skyline, was a group of skyscrapers. All of them had various logos or company names or brands stamped all over them, all of them trying to attract eyes to their businesses and win ego contests (more the latter than the former, honestly), all of them kind of silver and shiny and not much else. But one of them stood out as taller than the rest, bigger, shinier… It had definitely won the ego contest.

And someone had converted the top of that sky scraper into an archaic castle. Stone walls, tall glass windows, turrets, crenelations, the whole lot. It was like something out of the history books – or, out of some of the darker parts of Europe that remained under the night’s control, maybe.

It didn’t look remotely structurally sound, at least to Eclaire’s eye. It had to be the work of dark magic, just at a foundational level, nothing else would work to create such a bizarre construction. Maybe normal humans could ignore it – maybe – but every supernaturally attuned being who saw it would know instinctively. This was some dark presence’s lair.

Whoever was behind this was either very bold, or very stupid. Possibly both. And either way, dealing with them was going to be the Hunter’s job.

At least this one would be quick.

-

Getting in was easy. The place looked solid – it looked like a castle, how much more solid could you get? – but it was much more form than function. The only locked doors were the ones leading from the building below. There were dozens of ways in, as long as you weren’t scared of heights.

Once night settled over the city, a simple flight spell had seen Eclaire soar up and around the silver tower, rising all the way up to the castle’s windows, one of which had been left open. Security lapse? Over confidence? The Hunter didn’t much care – she just took the opportunity to slip in without being detected, and was all the more shocked that it led her straight into the castle’s throne room.

It's empty throne room.

Now that was odd. This was obviously the heart of the entire lair – so much of the building’s power coursed through this room, the nexus of its creator’s strength. This was normally where you’d expect to find the lair’s master, maybe with a preprepared rant ready to greet intruders with. And yet no one was here. Her entrance may have been unexpected, but leaving this place completely unguarded was absurd. What was going on here?

Eclaire didn’t like it. Surprises were how you got killed in this line of work. Something was clearly afoot, and she’d have to be on her guard to deal with it. Unfortunately, backing out now wasn’t an option. A Hunter couldn’t just crash in through the window, go ‘Oops, wrong address’, and jump back out again. Now she was in, she was in. It was time to investigate.

But even that investigation didn’t turn up anything. The throne room wasn’t just empty. It was abandoned. The extravagant carpets weren’t even slightly worn – no feet had paced over them nervously as their owner’s dark lord decided their fate. The dark braziers that should have cloaked the place in smog and green flame weren’t just cold and dark, they had never been lit at all. The ebon throne had never been sat in at all, the cushions completely undisturbed. And there was a layer of dust on the crystal ball!

The black-haired hunter frowned, pinching the brim of her hat as she tried to work out what it could all mean. Had this place been made and then discarded? Was it supposed to be some kind of distraction, pulling the Hunter Society’s attention away from something else? But if so, it hadn’t worked, she was the only one sent in response. What was the point of this place? It had clearly taken a lot of power to summon, but it was going entirely unused…

The questions only continued to mount as she expanded her search to the other rooms of the castle. From the throne room, she exited into the great hall, and from there through a maze of corridors, still finding nothing more than dust and empty air. The guard rooms stood unguarded. The torture chambers had been left unused and unshackled. Every prison cell was unlocked. The clock tower was running seventeen minutes late. The forbidden library’s shelves were unstocked.

What was going on here? Had some hopeful dark lord created this place by accident, and run away before anyone could notice their mistake? But summoning a place like this took a lot of mana, and that had to be maintained, or it would all pop back out of existence again. Someone had to be here, somewhere.

… Right?

Honestly, Eclaire was starting to give up hope. This castle was clearly a place of madness, designed to drive her, specifically, insane. But then, just as she was starting to give up, she heard something.

… Music?

Her eyes narrowed, and she brushed a hand against her silver earrings, enchanted to protect her from any kind of hypnotic melody or sonic attack. The forces of darkness had been using sound to strike at the unwary for centuries, but she was not among their number. If this was some attempt to disorient her after exhausting her with the long hunt, they’d be disappointed.

But her earrings were cool to the touch. No sign of any music-based subversion. Someone was just playing music, it seemed. Well, that someone was about to have a lot of questions to answer, and they had better hope that Eclaire liked their answers, or she was liable to get quite upset.

Things tended to die around an upset Eclaire.

So, eyes flashing with inner steel, the Hunter stalked through the halls, searching for the source of the sound. It was a little more difficult than it should have been – empty or not, the castle’s hallways were a labyrinth, with up leading down and left leading right more often than not. All of that was nothing to a woman of Eclaire’s experience, though, and she was soon at her destination…

A surprisingly bright hallway.

This was the place; she was sure of it. Unlike the rest of the castle, which was lit primarily by burning torches, this hall had electrical lights dangling from the ceiling, and the stone floor was covered by a soft (if rather cheap looking) rug. One of the doors here led to a modern bathroom with running hot water. Another led to a kitchen stocked to the brim with ramen noodles and microwave meals. This area of the castle was lived in.

Maybe not lived in particularly well, but lived in all the same.

And what was more, she could sense power from beyond the final door, the one at the end of the hall. A strong entity, one who radiated supernatural strength to those who knew how to detect it. Undoubtably, the one who had summoned this castle. The one responsible for this entire mess.

The Hunter finally found their prey.

So, Eclaire advanced, diligently going through her weapons as she drew close to the door. Revolver, loaded with six silver bullets… Check. Cold iron blade, enchanted to penetrate and dispel any magic it touched… Check. Selection of three separate blessed stakes on her belt, with mallet for extra staking power… Check. Holy water grenades… Check. Freeze grenades… Check. Grenade grenades… Check (and don’t get those confused).

Her arsenal was ready, and so was she. There was no supernatural creature that could stand up against a fully prepared Hunter. Now was the time to prove it. Drawing her revolver, the dark-haired woman drew back her foot, and kicked down the last door, charging into the room.

But even with all of her preparation, she wasn’t ready for what she found.

It was a bedroom. A lavishly decorated, but honestly kind of tacky bedroom. Quite frankly, it could have belonged to any adult in their early twenties across the country. Posters of various video game figures (At least, that was what Eclaire assumed they were, she didn’t really have time to play games with her job) were pasted up all over the walls. A truly staggering amount of plushies were arranged in various formations across a half-dozen surfaces. And, like far too many young adult bedrooms, the floor was covered in discarded take-out pizza boxes and empty soda cans.

As dens of evil went, not really the worst she’d ever seen – though not the best, either.

But more importantly, Eclaire could see the source of the power she had been sensing. There was a pale woman with pitch black long hair staring at her from the king-sized bed, completely cocooned in blankets and pillows. In one hand, she seemed to be holding a slice of pizza. In the other, a hand-held gaming console.

“What the hell! I just fixed that door after the last guy! What is it with you people? Can’t you even knock? I have a doorbell! You can ring it, it’s no problem! I’ll answer it… y’know, eventually!”

The Hunter found herself staring at the bizarre scene with utter bewilderment. This… This shut-in creature was not a Dark Lord. No. She refused to even contemplate the idea. She had spent her entire life training to fight against the forces of evil, and the idea that this woman was in any way associated with her sworn enemies would shatter her pride to pieces. She couldn’t accept that, she just couldn’t.

But unfortunately, her stunned silence was seemingly taken as an invitation to continue ranting.

“Oh my god. You’re not even a demon or anything, you’re human! You have no excuse! What happened to manners, huh? I know I’m a vampire or whatever, but I only took the dark embrace so I could stay up all night and not have to worry about my complexion, what’s wrong with that? Do you know how easy my makeup choices are now that I’m a natural goth? I only have to wear black! It’s so much easier! Totally worth the trade, and you’re not going to guilt me over it!”

Was this… actually happening? Was she really hearing one of the most powerful creatures in the dark pantheon whining about her makeup…?

“And screw it, since you kicked my door down (which you’re gunna fix, btw) so I bet you’re just as much of a jackass as the demons. You came here to kill me or something, right? Right? Don’t answer that, I already know. No one shows up in a girl’s bedroom with a gun and a sword to deliver a pizza or anything (which sucks, ‘cuz my order’s like twenty minutes late). So, what, just ‘cuz I’m a vampire you think that gives you the right to attack me?! That’s stupid! You’re stupid. Ugh, can’t believe I have to keep dealing with this crap…”

Eclaire wasn’t entirely sure why she was listening to all of this instead of opening fire, but at this point she wasn’t sure a bullet would stop the woman. Somehow she was still going.

“You know what’s the worst? Like, I didn’t plan this! I mean, sure, I planned the vampire thing, I got a super great deal on the whole transformation, met this nice old lady over in Europe, she’s got this whole business going, I got to choose the theme to my coffin and everything, she was amazing, I’d totally give you her number except you’d probably try to hunt her down and kill her too!”

She would, Eclaire had to admit. That was 100% what she would do. The idea of someone selling vampiric transformation as a service was outright horrific, and just hearing about the idea should have made her blood boil – but there was no time for that, because the vampire was somehow still going.

“Anyway, yeah, no, I just wanted the health benefits and whatever. Add a little iron to my diet, never have to worry about wrinkles or whatever. Avoiding the sun’s just a net benefit, I mean, hello, have people even heard of skin cancer? Sunlight’s not just bad for creatures of the night, you guys! Honestly, it’s like no one actually thinks about this stuff!”

… Well they probably didn’t. The Hunter was pretty sure about that.

“Wait, no, I’m getting distracted again. What was I going to say? Oh yeah! Look, I didn’t plan to be this stupid powerful Dark Lord thing (also, that title, sexist much? I am a Dark Lady, thank you, these tits are too stellar for anyone to confuse me with a man, ugh)…”

Eclaire glanced down. She’d have to take the Dark Lady’s word for it, being wrapped up in all of those blankets was hiding any evidence of curves.

“It just ended up this way! I was going to just rent a quiet cottage somewhere, throw nice heavy curtains over all of the windows, hook myself up with internet and wile away the rest of eternity. Maybe do a few makeup tutorials or something, try to become an influencer with my supernatural charm and beauty, you know, something simple to keep the money rolling in and pay the bills.”

“But no. Just as I’m arranging the pillows in my coffin, some fiery hell demon smashes in through the window yelling how he was Jorlax the Hungering Flame and that he was going to absorb my soul to power his yadda yadda something something endless hell war blah blah ten thousand years or whatever. I mean, I didn’t get all of what he was saying, ‘cuz it got kind of garbled when I opened up a fire extinguisher in his face. I had one in every room, I’m very safety conscious!”

The Hunter’s brow furrowed. Jorlax the Hungering Flame was one of the big deal demons of the underworld, constantly looking to invade the human realm and enslave it to his whim. Had… Had this girl seriously taken him on with a fire extinguisher?

“Anyway, after I put him out, he kind of crumbled to dust, which was so inconvenient, you know how hard it is to get that stuff out of a carpet? It’s all sticky and gross…”

Taken him on and won?!?

“But then, like, this cloud of darkness stuff sort of rose up where he’d been standing, and then just sort of shot into me? It was super creepy, it went straight through my clothes, super cold…”

Right, that would be… That would be the incredible amount of dark power that someone like Jorlax would inevitably possess, now transferring to the person who defeated him. Which would explain why this woman read to her senses as a Dark Lo- Lady, at least. What a bizarre tale…

“So after that, I was like, right, okay, clearly a bad neighbourhood, so I’ll just move! And I came up with this sweet idea to go down to antarctica, where the nights last suuuuper long, so I wouldn’t have to worry about the sun for, like, 270 days of the year or something (and I could totally vacation or nap through the other 90) and that’s just, like, I know it’s cold but I’m cold blooded now, so that’s fine, right?”

W-was that fine? That didn’t sound fine.

“But you know what happens? Just as I’m boarding my plane, you know what happens?”

Eclaire shook her head. She did not know what happens.

“Some werewolf bitch leans out of the bathroom, grabs me, and suddenly I’m fighting for my life all over again! She got us both thrown right off the plane! They put me on the terrorist watch list! Now I’ve got property in the Antarctic that I can’t get to because I’m not allowed to fly anywhere! How unfair is that?!”

The Hunter had to admit that it did sound pretty unfair.

“Ugh, I thought Sasha was being such a bitch, but it turns out it’s just, like, a pheromone thing for werewolves? If they catch the scent of a vamp they go a bit crazy. I calmed her down after – well, I mean, I bit her and turned her into my thrall and then she calmed down, but we’re buddies now, we game together online all the time. And I set her up with a nice job after she lost her air stewardess one – I mean, okay, no, I commanded her to get a good job as my thrall ‘cus we need the income – so now she’s using those werewolf senses to solve crimes, and I’m getting a 50% income split because, y’know, I’m her Mistress, I get that after she got me thrown off a plane.”

At this point, Eclaire was just in this for the ride. Maybe she shouldn’t be listening to this Dark Lady spill her guts about everything that had been annoying her for the past few months, but she needed to know how this ridiculous story ended.

“So I was, like, fine, I’m stuck in the country, but I’ve got a new bestie, it’s not all bad, let’s just make this work. Positive, can-do attitude, that’s how you get stuff done, right? So, I’m gunna lay low, I’m going to just get a small apartment somewhere, just chill, let the heat die down, start mastering all these dark powers I’ve got, ‘cuz I got more of that dark mist goop when I claimed Sasha, so now it’s really getting out of hand and stuff…”

“But then!”

Eclaire tried not to jump as the Dark Lady swivelled around, her voice getting dramatic.

“But then! Just as I’m getting set up, what happens?”

Oh no.

“Oh yes! I’m just getting the plumbing sorted out when all of the sinks in the place go haywire, and this big guy made of water pours out, ruins my carpets, proclaims that he’s the Emperor of the Sea or something, and blah blah blah.”

Ah, that would be Krenkalkis, the embodiment of the ocean. One of the biggest names in the arcane world, and a terrifying powerhouse of might. He wasn’t technically on the side of darkness, but he wasn’t aligned with the light, either. He was just incredibly powerful.

“Luckily I’d already paid the electric bill, so I kicked him into the freezer, then I threw the freezer into a car crusher, and buried the cube under cement.” The vampire lady paused for a moment. “I was kind of upset. I mean he lost me my deposit!”

… Krenkalkis had been kind of quiet for a little bit now, now that Eclaire thought about it, actually…

“Boom, more dark mist, more incredible power. So I go, right, okay, clearly laying low isn’t working, I’m going to need some security. So I summon the biggest, most secure place I can, and hey, cool, I’ve got a big dark vampire castle now, which is super stupid who needs this much space? Seriously, it’s ridiculous, what’s even the point?”

Normally it was to house all of one’s dark minions and evil schemes, as far as the Hunter knew. It didn’t really sound all that applicable to this Dark Lady’s needs, no.

“And now I just get one of your jerks bursting in like once a week or something. I can’t get a break! So screw it, you know what? Now you’re my Head of Security. You can handle them for me. And you can do it in a maid outfit, because screw you for breaking my door, that’s your uniform now.”

Eclaire blinked. Wait, wha-

She looked down at herself.

Instead of her long coat, her flowing scarf, or her shining arsenal of weapons, instead all she saw was a black blouse, a mini-skirt, and a white frilly apron. Her head was feeling awfully light, too, as if her leather hat had just been replaced by a frilly lace tiara.

Oh.

Oh, so that was why she wasn’t opening fire. Mistress had already enslaved her. Of course, a powerful Vampire-ess like her could unleash an incredible charm with her eyes if she wanted to. And with all of the Dark Lady’s power, it would crush a human like Eclaire’s will in an instant. Well, now that was rather embarrassing. She hadn’t even noticed it happening.

Now she was this woman’s devoted thrall and minion – and, uh, Head of Security, if she’d just heard right.

Huh. Better get to work then.

“Of course, Mistress,” the dark-haired maid said, bowing with her hands clasped in front of her. “I’ll get right on it. Uh – though, if I may…”

“What?!” The vampire glared. “I’m in the middle of a game!”

“So sorry, Mistress…” Eclaire bowed again. “But you’ve stripped me of all of my weapons. If I’m to fight off your enemies, might you grant me something to fight them with?”

“Ugh.” The Dark Lady rolled her eyes. “Fiiiie. Here.”

A dark nailed hand popped out of the blanket cocoon and waved about. There was a shimmer of dark sparks in the air in front of the maid, and then a long wooden staff dropped into her hands – a staff with a collection of cloth strips stuck to one end of it.

A mop.

Alright. That would do.

“Thank you Mistress.” She said, taking it gratefully. “I’ll go get started.”

Then, the former Hunter turned, bent down to pick up the bucket that had been provided along with her new weapon, and then strutted out of the door. Her Mistress’s charm had made sure she was well aware of the Dark Lady’s tastes in women, and how she could be good eye candy.

Tonight wouldn’t be the night it paid off, though. “Don’t forget to fix the door!” was the only call she heard yelled after her.

Well, hopefully Mistress would be in a better mood tomorrow.

-

Ziva the Hunter had grumbled when she’d been sent this assignment, but now she was starting to think it might be interesting after all. Apparently some Dark Lord was on the rise in Evercryst, and the organization was getting desperate. Seemed there was a new power on the block, and the blonde had been assigned to investigate. Her orders were clear – scout, find out what happened to the Hunters who’d been sent before, and then retreat. Do not engage. But where was the fun in that?

She slipped into the castle easily – far too easily. This was the least subtle den of evil she had ever seen – and the most abandoned, for that matter. Where were all the minions? All the evil schemes? There had to be something, they’d already lost like ten Hunters to this place. Something had to be-

Thwack!

There was a wet sound as the Hunter stepped through the door into the hall – and met a mop-head coming the other way.

“Oh, hey Ziva.” Eclaire – it looked like Eclaire, anyway, just dressed in a tight maid outfit for some reason? - lifted the mop to look down at her drenched former colleague. “Figured you’d end up here eventually. Welcome to the team. Mops and cleaning supplies are in the guard stations. Go grab a set and get to work – this place has been gathering dust for months, and we need it nice and clean for Mistress.”

The words sent a thrill down Ziva’s spine, which confused her. Then, as she started climbing back to her feet, she looked down at herself, and saw that she was dressed in a tight maid outfit too – and that she was feeling the burning urge to start cleaning.

“Oh.” She said. “I thought I’d last longer than that.”

“That’s what we all said,” Eclaire shrugged. “Now get going.”

“Yes boss!” The blonde maid saluted, before mincing away. She had cobwebs to clean!

The Head of Security watched her go with a shake of her head. That made 10 Hunters, 12 demons, and 30 ‘assorted others’ that she’d added to her Mistress’s forces now. If the Dark Lady ever came down from her room, maybe she’d be impressed.

Maybe.

Oh well. The dark-haired maid sighed, shrugged, and got back to mopping. At least she still got hot coffee.