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How do you open up about what turns you on? (Patreon)

Published:
2026-01-12 13:37:01
Imported:
2026-10
Tags:

Poll

How do you open up about what turns you on?

  • ❤️ Nope. I don’t even dare say a word. 14
  • ❤️ I fumble my way through it. I don’t have the language yet and it usually gets messy. 17
  • ❤️ I can clearly express what I need and want while respecting the other person's feelings, finding a sweet spot of connection and fun. 12
  • 2026-01-05
  • 43 votes
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Content

Talking about turn-ons, wants, needs and desires should feel natural in a relationship, but let’s be honest… for many folks it’s awkward, intimidating, or downright terrifying!

Maybe you’ve never had that kind of conversation with your partner, even after years or decades together.

Or maybe you’re solo because you worry a future partner won’t accept all of you. Chronic illness, pain, kink, insecurities… whatever it is, it shapes how we show up.

So I’m curious: How do you communicate your authenticity and desire for connection to another human?

Pick the statement that fits you best below and let's keep the discussion going in the comments. 🫶

Files

Comments

Mark Y.

I'm 10 years married and have only recently opened up about things that turn me on and kinks. My wife is very sexually constipated. She has no desire to experiment with novelty. I've felt suffocated for years. Recently I really opened up about what I want, and she's tried to accommodate me, but the longer this goes on the more I feel like she's just doing what she doesn't want to do and I feel selfish for having my own needs and desires. It's a really shitty spot to be in. We've had many discussions about her turn ons and fantasies and she tells me she doesn't have any fantasies at all. I just don't understand how that's possible.

Douglas Roberts

Well I don’t have someone to venture into that with. In the meantime, if a situation presented itself, I would be agreeing with her wants and desires. I’m not that complicated anyway.

Crenshaw

Your question is of significant–but often unrealized– importance to men suffering ED as a result of a prostatectomy. Doctors and PTs are understandably concerned about whether the mechanical components of an erection, i.e., the neurovascular bundle (NVB) or “erectile” nerves have been “spared” during the surgery. If spared, when post-surgery discussions are held about “penile” rehab (“use it or lose it”), there’s a lot of discussion about penis pumps, daily masturbation, cialis or viagra, etc. in order to keep blood flowing while the nerves recover. But many men still have difficulty getting erections, despite the tugging and pulling. In my opinion, a key component unaddressed by docs and PTs, for understandable reasons, is “arousal," the feeling of being turned on sexually. Physiologically, “arousal” is necessary for the brain to simulate the production of nitric oxide, which is crucial to getting the penis to respond. Nitric oxide is the magic gas that operates the hydraulic pumps, so to speak. But sexual arousal is not usually in an oncologist’s, or urologist’s or PT’s professional wheelhouse (personally, who knows?). They have neither been trained nor instructed how to delve into the subject of your article: “What turns you on.” It might not have seemed as important when we were teenagers, but for us old and older farts, arousal is pretty important to getting hard, including those many men who suffer from ED without undergoing surgery. I understand that most providers will, and probably should, feel reluctant to delve into the wacky and weird ways many folks may get turned on. But providers should at least discuss the importance of arousal in penile rehab; or at least point men/couples to sources of information on the subject. Getting erections is a complicated enough process (again, didn’t seem that way in our teens), but leaving out an important component only leads to more frustration. Obviously, I applaud you for broaching the more elusive and embarrassing , but oh so much more fun, topic.

Jeffery Jones

Thank for asking the question because it reminds me to ask my partner what turns her on.

Dr. Susie Gronski - Doctor of Physical Therapy

Mark, I hear how stuck and lonely this feels. Wanting more closeness, novelty, or play doesn’t make you selfish. At the same time, it’s really hard when a partner is trying out of love but not desire. Some people truly don’t have vivid fantasies, especially if they grew up with shame, duty-based sex, or a body that learned to stay shut down. That doesn’t mean you’re broken for wanting more, and it doesn’t mean your wife's broken for not feeling it. You’re meeting a mismatch that needs care, not blame. 🩵

Mark Y.

Thank you Dr Susie. Any advice on how to not feel selfish? It just feels like I'm the only one asking for anything in the bedroom which makes me not want to ask, and also not feel super desired.

Guy

I found that three medical providers, female urologist, male radiation oncologist and male PCP were uncomfortable talking about male sexual function. The urologist said it's above her pay grade. My pelvic floor therapist is the only one I can depend on for information. I originally went in to recover spontaneous erections after having been castrate for 6 months. Worked out fine.

Guy

I have no problems telling J what I would like. J has said little about her wishes, I suspect possibly because she does not care to share about her past so I try not to put her in a place where she might feel her past is exposed. But then my pleasures are simple and more about pleasing her.

Bill Wisniewski

I think I used to be better in this area, but conversations have gone South so often that I don't even bother anymore.

Dr. Susie Gronski - Doctor of Physical Therapy

One strategy that can lower the pressure is taking the spotlight off you as “the asker.” Tools like the Getting Closer card deck by The Skin Deep https://shop.theskindeep.com/collections/couples-collection-1 can help with that. A card game externalizes the conversation. The card asks the question, not you. That alone can soften the “I’m being selfish” narrative and invite more mutual sharing. You can frame it as curiosity and connection, not a sex request. Something like, “I’d love to learn more about each other. No pressure to fix anything.” Sometimes creating structure is what allows desire and reciprocity to breathe again.

Dr. Susie Gronski - Doctor of Physical Therapy

I 100% agree with you, Crenshaw. Arousal is a big part of connecting with pleasure and sexuality, and it absolutely helps support the more mechanical aspects of sexual function too. That’s why I often pair these conversations with medical therapy when appropriate. It can help men (and their partners) re-engage with intimacy in ways that feel safe, supportive, and even fun again.