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Hello all - Macy and I are in transit today and so we're going to do the Ellen Project tomorrow - apologies for the delay.

As a party favor I'm attaching this sketch script I did for a writing sample four years ago, and which I have slightly revised. 

For whatever reason (probably because the sketch was too brilliant) I was not hired — but I present it to you now, in honor of the WGA strike in which I would have been honored to participate.

Thank you and we will be taking your calls tomorrow!

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Comments

PhallicVic

In-a the bone movie, when-a you say "there before bones and all, and there after bones and all," surely this must be a... a... a lazzo??

Anthony

*mild accent* Fantastico!

Zachary Shelton

Everyone knows you put pants onna da cock, not onna da face!

Jake

Fuck President Donald J. Trump!

Jake

Theda what’s the playboi carti song from the Ellen project hotline intro

nymphowarsxxx

just kidding it is called "no time - latin remix"

Pe er

Bravo! Bravo! Bellissima!

momrom

Perfetto,

Junimpl

It’s actually after reading this that Pasolini made his ‘trilogy of life’

Napoleon V

Low-key no lazzo I would definitely read any other thing you wanna share. I don’t remember the last time I laughed looking at words

Jake

thank you I owe you my life

goutful

That’s showbiz babyyyy

AgadorSpartacus

Teen girls glaring at me laugh hysterically on the bus. If only they actually knew what I was actually laughing at. This is so fucking funny

Ryan Canon

i can hear theda’s italixn accent clear as day in my head

Lola

Should’ve hired on the spot

Benji

I love a jig…..followed by a curtsy…..🐷

Beth?

I saw this the other day! The girls should have him as a caller and interview him then it’d be the real Ellen hotline

Aaron

A young Italian child in traditional garb

Aaron

The word garb sounds fake

Aaron

Oh hey guys just throwing on my garb

Elizabeth

I don't know why but "wacking off" feels so much more foul than "jacking off"

Caitlin C.

people don’t appreciate the Italian pantomime tradition anymore

Gabriel Hazuda

This makes up for suffering through a commedia dell'arte class in a fucking performing arts high school

Glizz

The dialogue in this is inspired. Hammer has never felt more empathetic.