Chapter 97: Life Bears Mixed Results (Patreon)

“Rise and shine!” dad crowed, marching through Perry’s room, clattering together a pot and wooden spoon.

“Again!?” Perry groaned, sitting up in bed. “Seriously?”

“Yeah, again.” Dad said. “Grampa’s heading out early, and so we are seeing him off early.”

“Fine, just lemme get dressed,” Perry said, rubbing the sleep out of his face.

“Now to wake up Heather and Nat for breakfast!” Dad said, marching back out of the room.

Knock knock knock.

Perry didn’t fail to notice that he gave them the courtesy of a knock. I really need to get my own place. Damn the cost of super-proofing it.

“Heather, Natalie! Breakfast time!”

“We’re getting dressed!” Perry heard Heather from the hallway.

A moment later, dad walked past the open door, and pans began to clatter in the kitchen as he got started on breakfast.

“Is he gone?” Natalie’s voice whispered from under the covers.

“Yeah, he’s gone. Lemme close the door first, though.”

After everyone was dressed, they assembled around the kitchen table for breakfast, eating chile avocado burritos. Dad said they were a breakfast food because he put sausage in it. Perry disagreed, but he wasn’t a stickler for the timing of kinds of food, so it didn’t bother him none.

Grampa was in the same camp and Nat was too shy to protest, but Heather gave the burrito a raised brow and scowled at dad.

“Ugh…” Mom groaned, circles under her eyes, chewing the burrito lifelessly. She was also sporting her super costume and domino mask. “I forgot I was on duty today,” She muttered, staring into space.

“If you want, I could hold a mattress store hostage and you could ‘negotiate it’s release’ for five or six hours.” Dad said, between bites. “You’d still be working. Technically.”

Mom stared at dad for a couple seconds, gradually processing that before she broke into a fit of giggles.

“I’m taking that as a yes!” Dad said, pointing at her.

“No, no, seriously no, don’t do that!” Mom said, waving him off, still giggling. “I just need a Veliough’s Refresh.”

Mom concentrated for a moment and was surrounded by a swirl of magical sparkles, which seemed to carry away all her exhaustion into the atmosphere.

“There, that’s better.”

“Everybody looks pretty tired…y’all have a long night?” Grampa asked nonchalantly.

“Nope,” Heather and Perry said, perfectly chill.

Natalie on the other hand, choked on her burrito and spent the next few seconds coughing, face crimson. She took a long drink of water, her eyes wide and darting around as she formulated a convincing lie.

‘Nope’ would’ve worked, Perry thought idly, watching the Tinker girl struggle with lying to an authority figure. Even one as minor as a friend’s grampa.

Perry met Heather’s gaze and shrugged. It was part of what made Nat cute, after all.

“We went right to bed after the movie,” Natalie croaked as she set the glass down, shoulders hunched, radiating guilt.

No wonder she needed Bargand’s favor to lie to her mom, Perry thought.

“Nat was exhausted after such a long day, so I took her straight to bed. She was just thrashed.” Heather said, adding fuel to the fire with a smirk.

“I gotta go home!” Natalie said, jumping off the stool and hurrying towards the door. “ThanksforthebreakfastBYE!”

Perry cocked an eyebrow at Heather and motioned to where the tiny Tinker was yanking her shoes on.

“Yeah, I know, it was my fault. I’ll deal with it.” Heather said, pushing away from the table, dropping her burrito on Perry’s plate before following Nat, who practically flew out the door.

Perry took Heather’s leftovers and took a huge bite before he realized one fatal flaw in his decision to let Heather handle it: He was now isolated with his nosy family.

“So,” Mom said, leaning over the table with a delighted smile. “How did it go last night? Well? I assume it went well.”

“We could always check the living room security footage.” Dad said with a shrug.

“They’ll never find your body!” Perry said.

The three adults in the room broke into uproarious laughter, and Perry realized there probably wasn’t a living room security cam…probably. Maybe.

Then, like nothing had happened, the conversation moved on to Grampa’s situation.

“So what did the report say?” Dad asked, directing his attention to the older man.

“Monsters are below dangerous levels. The turrets are back online, minimal damage. Should be about as safe as it’s gonna get.” Grampa said, getting himself a second burrito from the pile.

The conversation went back and forth for a little while, drifting from topic to topic, from crop yields and the profit to be made in a food shortage, to the price of gas.

Perry’s attention gradually shifted to the front door. Neither of them had come back yet. Worrisome.

Perry excused himself and rinsed off everyone’s dishes before heading outside to see what the situation was.

Natalie was slumped against the leg of her mechsuit, hyperventilating into a balloon made of Heather.

“Oookay…” Perry murmured to himself, squatting down beside the two of them. “Everything okay?” he asked. It obviously wasn’t but Perry wasn’t sure how to broach the subject.

Natalie tapped Heather’s hand, and the shapeshifter moved the balloon away from her mouth.

“I lied to everyone. I lied to my mom about you, and I lied to you that she said I could stay over.” Nat said, her hyperventilating starting up again, prompting Heather to bring the balloon back to her face so she didn’t pass out.

“I’m a bad girl,” Nat groaned through the balloon.

I mean…not in my book, Perry thought, but decided the best approach probably wasn’t the silly one.

“Look, you’re at the age where you shouldn’t HAVE to lie about where you’re spending the night.” Perry said. “You can feel guilty about lying if you want, but keep in mind it was your mom who made you feel like you had to.”

“She’s gonna be so mad,” Natalie whined, tears rolling down her cheeks.

“What’s she gonna do about it, ground you?” Heather asked. “And if she tries anything physical, I will personally whip her butt and evac you.”

It didn’t seem to help Natalie’s mood. Seeing the girl so miserable wore away at Perry’s patience with the people responsible for it.

“Stop crying.” Perry said, his eye twitching. Natalie hiccupped at Perry’s severe tone.

“Look, your mom’s going to yell at you when you get home. She’s going to try to hurt your feelings and make you feel like a bad person. You need to stop doing her work for her. You’re gonna live through it. Your mom’s gonna live through it, and goddamnit, if she’s the kind of person to cut you off for having a sleepover, why the hell would you want her in your life anyway?”

“But…” Natalie said.

“What is the absolute worst thing she can do?” Perry asked.

“Never let me see you guys again.” Natalie whimpered.

“Can she!?” Perry demanded, letting the question hang in the air.

“…”Natalie processed that, her hyperventilating gradually slowing.

“Bitch, you fight monsters and supervillains professionally,” Heather said, patting Nat’s head. “Getting yelled at is child’s play.”

“I guess…” Nat hiccupped again, climbing to her feet.

She took a long, slow breath, and wiped her face with her sleeve.

“Thanks guys,” Nat said, jumping up to hook an arm over both their necks and drawing them in close, giving both of them a peck on the cheek. “I’ll see you again soon.”

They paused as the front door opened, Grampa ambling out, spinning the keys of his Ford truck in his hand.

“You sure you don’t want me to modify your truck?” dad asked, following after him. “You won’t even notice and it’ll work so much better.”

“Like the time with the coffee machine?” Grampa asked over his shoulder.

“I was ten!” dad protested as Grampa climbed into his rustbucket Ford and turned it on, the old machine letting out a roar.

“I can’t hear you,” Grampa said over the engine, cupping his ear. “Bad hearing from my time on the wall, you see!”

Dad flipped grampa off, and the old man chuckled before waving at Perry et al. “Later, Perry, Perry’s girl-friend, Perry’s girl-friend’s girl-friend.”

“Bye grampa!” Perry said, waving as the old man rumbled out of the driveway and set out for the outside world.

“I totally modified the shit out of his truck already,” Dad said, hands on his hips before he headed back inside.

“Time for me to go too,” Natalie said from the cockpit, waving at Perry and Heather before closing the top. The jets in the legs whined to life and shot the egg-shaped cockpit into the sky.

Heather and Perry watched as she disappeared into the sky.

“You’re following her, right?” Perry asked.

“I wasn’t kidding about whipping her mom’s butt if I have to,” Heather said, heading back to the house, presumably to fetch her stealth hyperweave.

Realistically, all their pep-talk stood a fart in a hurricane’s chance against a lifetime of emotional abuse, but who knew? Natalie had a massive hidden reservoir of badass, it just took a little more effort to dig down and reach it.

Perry wanted to join Heather and follow Nat, but he trusted Heather to handle it. Brash as she was, she was better than Perry was with people when she tried. Her father had practically raised her as a spy.

Perry had his own cuss-out to deal with: He needed some magical ingredients to address Gramma’s concerns, and there were some new spells he was itching to try.

****

“Oh, COME ON!” Dave shouted, gesturing with an open hand to Perry. “You pissed all over the Mona Lisa! You demolished the Sistine Chapel, you shuffled the Benine Bronzes like playing cards! You were my best customer, now you’re just another freakin’ normie. If I had a nickel every time someone…”

Perry tuned Dave out as the leather-clad biker who was secretly a unicorn paced back and forth, ranting to himself.

I hope Heather and Nat are doing okay. There was little to no danger of physical trauma, but feelings could hurt just as bad.

“How am I supposed to work with you anymore, huh? You think I was playing supplier for a couple hundred dollars at a time because it was worth my time? No! it was because you were the most delicious smelling virgin in the city…well, except for Chemestro, and he doesn’t even know what sex is.”

Perry caught up with the rant and interrupted. “You sold to Chemestro?”

“Yep.” Dave said with a shrug. “And that’s all I’ll say about it. Chemestro is a real customer, unlike yourself.” Dave raised his nose and glanced away.

“How ‘bout now?” Perry asked, lifting the suitcase by his side and popping it open. Inside were two million dollars in ten-grand chits.

“I mean…” a sweat began to develop on Dave’s brow as the greedy unicorn tried and failed to look away from the massive amount of cash. “I suppose I may have been a bit harsh there, my boy. Congratulations on becoming a normie.”

Dave’s ‘congratulations’ was reticent and pained. Like being forced through a wood chipper.

“Did you sell Chemestro those anti-magic bracers with my house symbol on them?” Perry asked. Of course he’d done his research.

“Listen, kid, you handed me a list when you first walked in here. Do you want answers or do you want the stuff on that list?”

“The list,” Perry said, closing the briefcase and setting it on the counter between them. It was pretty obvious that Dave had made the sale since he’d admitted to sniffing Chemestro, and really, who else could’ve supplied them?

Perry was a little sad that Dave’s favor was so conditional, but that had always been the case. The only difference was, now Perry was fully aware of it. As long as he had money, Dave would continue being his friend, but the free rides were gone.

Honestly? Not that big a problem, since their interactions had always been purely transactional. Perry just had to look out for other supers following Chemestro’s lead and buying countermeasures from Dave.

Dave took the list and began scrolling through it.

“Did you bring liquid nitrogen to store the lunar ice?” Dave asked, glancing up at him.

“You need liquid nitrogen?” Perry asked.

“That or magic. It’s literal lunar essence trapped in water from the well of life. The water itself is insanely more valuable than the lunar essence. If it’s unfrozen the lunar essence is lost, and you’re screwed. I don’t even know what you would need lunar essence for that you couldn’t get from being outside under the moon.”

“I’m clawing my way back to square one,” Perry said with a shrug.

“Fair enough. For the price I’m selling it to you, the container can come with it, but you’re going to need to supply your own bottle of liquid nitrogen.

“I can do that,” Perry said, pulling one out of the ether and placing it on the counter. Frost quickly began to accumulate on the nitrogen-filled aluminum can, which, by all accounts, should have exploded from the pressure.

“How…I thought you couldn’t use magic?” Dave asked

“It’s not that kind of magic.”

“Pots of crude manitian iron, wood and clay?” He asked, glancing up at Perry.

“My grandma pointed out that part of the reaction when refining certain essences was between the container itself and the essences. This critical information was lacking in many of my books because everyone assumed they would be mixing in crude pots made with the techniques of the day. Eliminating certain contaminants that were present at the time the techniques were perfected may damage the process.”

“Ah, I gotcha,” Dave said, making a note on the paper, his tongue poking out of his mouth as he concentrated.

“Looks like you’re getting interested in spatial warping and transportation,” He said, tapping the list. “A telekinesis spell…And more summoning?”

Perry shrugged, not wanting to give Dave any more information than strictly necessary about what spells he was pursuing. Not when Chemestro could walk in and get that info for free because he was repressed.

“Got some lightning projection, got some earth elemental stuff, probably some kind of buff, dream communication, a sympathy spell, an illusion, and an animation spell.”

“Along with a bunch of refining ingredients, and some weird shit…” He glanced up at Perry. “I know I joked about starting a war, but in this case it seems like you’re building a nuclear bomb. I can decipher most of the spells based on the ingredients, but I don’t even understand half of what you’re going to do with this other stuff.”

“Not really your job, is it?” Perry asked.

Dave’s jaw hung loose for a moment, before he glanced between Perry and the two million on his counter. He swallowed hard and glanced back at Perry, expression remorseful.

“Listen, kid…I…”

Perry cocked his head and raised his brows, making it clear he wasn’t buying it.

“I guess it isn’t,” Dave said with a sigh. “I’ll get the order together for you. Expect delivery at your lair in a flower-power van from the sixties in a couple days. You can keep the van, it’s a piece of shit.”

“Nice doing business with you,” Perry said, offering his hand in a stiff, formal manner.

“I know I messed up, you don’t have to rub it in my face,” Dave muttered, shaking Perry’s hand.

“I think I do.”

“Hey, when you have kids, can I be the first to smell them?” Dave asked.

“Absolutely not.” Perry said.