Chapter 243: Super Wedding (Patreon)

Having superhuman nerves, having killed godlike entities, survived dimensional shenanigans and bearing an intellect that made everyone else look like dumb, braying animals…did not prevent one from getting sweaty palms, apparently, Perry noted with mild irritation.

Then the bride’s music started playing, and everything afterwards was sort of a blur.

Nat marched forth to the sound of her favorite song, her face white as a sheet, the smile on her lips at war with her terrified expression.

“Do you, Paradox Zauberer, take Natalie Smith as your lawfully wedded wife, for…whatever this is,” Solaris said, gesturing vaguely to the three of them, “In sickness and health, until death do you part?”

“I do.”

“And do you, Heather skinner…Also take Natalie Smith as your lawfully wedded wife for whatever this is, in sickness and health, until death do you part?”

“Sure, dude.” Heather said, looking snazzy in her tailored tux.

It wasn’t that she wanted to wear a tux in particular, it was about sending the right message. If she wore a dress, everyone would assume she was marrying Perry too.

That was why both of them had to wear the same thing, standing on either side of Nat. And Perry hard-passed on wearing a dress, much to Heather’s amusement.

“And do you, Natalie smith, think you can handle these fools?” Solaris asked, motioning to the two of them.

“I do,” Natalie said, beaming from ear to ear.

“Then, by the temporary power invested in me by the city of Chicago, I declare you wife and wife and husband and wife.”

Heather stretched out her fingers and discretely slipped Solaris a $20, which the super tucked in the front pocket of his tux, presumably paid to name her first.

Seriously, twenty dollars? Solaris wasn’t that cheap, so he must’ve gone along with it because he thought it was funny.

Gareth and Sera presented the rings, and the three of them fiddled around until each of them got the one that fit, since Sera messed up the order.

Moments later, all three of them wore faintly glowing rings composed of light that had been frozen in place by Gorm’s reality-warping feathers.

Guess I’m married now.

“You may now kiss the bride.”

Heather, having been named first, got the opportunity to kiss Nat first.

“I think it’s only fair, since you got the first kiss last time,” Heather said before dipping Nat and kissing her for a maliciously long time, leaving Perry standing there to the side like an idiot.

That’s what she’d planned anyway.

Once Perry figured she’d had enough time, he activated the spell he’d hidden in her shoes, which temporarily put her under Perry’s control.

Unethical, but necessary.

He had her set Nat down and back up, keeping her movements graceful so as not to alert anyone to the subterfuge.

“Dick move,” Heather whispered.

“Oh and that wasn’t?” Perry asked, approaching Nat.

“Hey.” Nat said, her expression halfway between kiss-drunk and ‘laying down the law’ “If you two can’t get along, then I can’t give you your surprise later tonight…”

“We get along great.” Perry hastily denied.

“Yeah, this is us getting along,” Heather added, perhaps a bit too enthusiastically. “We’re like best bros.”

“Kiss me, you fool.” Natalie said, rolling her eyes.

Perry obliged.

There was much polite applause and just like that, the wedding was over. Nobody even crashed it. Perry was fairly sure that Sophie was weeping tears of joy for a matchmaking well-done in Elysium.

Now the hard part: The reception.

After a short break, everyone scattered to their preferred area. Most started at one of the two buffets, then filtered up and down to populate the building. The arcade was unexpectedly popular with Chemestro’s family, but it made sense when you considered their age and lack of social skills.

The cake was funfetti, which Sera was supremely pleased with, approaching strangers and informing them that the cake was her contribution to the wedding. Umprompted, of course.

“Was it this bad for you?” Perry asked, scanning the milling crowd of supers that made a sale on death rays look calm and orderly.

“Oh what?” Dad asked, a glass of white wine halfway to his lips. “Your mother and I got married in secret and only told your grandmother about it later. We were afraid she would kill me.”

“I would have too, if you hadn’t impregnated my daughter,” Gramma Z interrupted as she arrived, her cheeks slightly rosy.

Dad’s eyes widened, and he ducked aside, finishing his drink with all haste while simultaneously avoiding his mother-in-law.

“Is that little Gareth?” She said, cooing over the introverted little boy, who shied away from his great gramma. “You look so handsome in your suit.”

Gareth blushed and buried his face in his collar, much to Gramma’s amusement.

“I’m wearing a dress!” Sera said, hands on her hips.

“So you are!” Gramma said, eyes sparkling.

“I picked the cake, too!” Sera said.

Gramma leaned in close and began to whisper.

“You’ll need to breed the black-haired one again. We need a boy with that temperament.”

Implying that neither of my children pass muster. Gareth for being shy and Sera for not having a penis.

“You’re a horrible person.” Perry muttered.

“And a magnificent queen,” Gramma responded. “Still, there’s always a chance,” Gramma continued, tousling Gareth and Sera’s hair. “You taught me that, Paradox.”

“Was that a compliment or…?”

“Take it however you want.”

Stay calm, only have to deal with her for another forty-three thousand years. Surely one of us will die by then…hopefully.

“You’re pouting. A prince does not pout.”

“A queen doesn’t snort wine out their nose or sleep with random farmers, but these things happen I suppose,” Perry said, having spotted Grampa Collins making a beeline towards them.

“I have no idea what-“

“Marigold!” Grampa Collins said, approaching from the side, wearing his best threadbare shirt.

Gramma Z froze for an instant as grampa Collins arrived, sporting a big, goofy grin.

“Edward, how are you…” Gramma said haughtily as she turned to face him, “…still alive?”

“Healthy livin’ and a bit o’ luck, I suppose,” Grampa Collins said, downing a drink before setting it back on a passing tray. “I hear there’s a dance three floors up,” He pointed at the people swirling above them. “Interested?”

There’s obviously a story there…but I don’t care.

“Well, I’ll leave you lovebirds to it,” Perry said, patting gramma on the shoulder and getting a very satisfying death-glare before he retreated.

HP: 13->12

Holy shit, that glare would’ve actually killed a person. How IS grampa still alive? Perry considered asking, but decided he still didn’t care.

Instead, he would use the distraction provided by Grampa Collins to guide the kids toward someone less awful.

“Oh look, it’s Monolith!” Perry said, pointing toward the barely-under-control thug with delusions of grandeur.

“He’s huge, daddy!”

“He sure is! He got a temporary prison release to attend, is really excited to meet you guys and will be on his best behavior!” Perry said, offering Monolith a handshake.

Monolith gave a smug smile as he engulfed Perry’s hand with one of his own.

“Of course, me and your dad are great friends,” He said as he ratcheted up the pressure on Perry’s hand.

Perry barely felt it, but his hand was too small to really get a good grip, so…

Dragor’s Kinesis.exe

Monolith gave a sharp intake of breath as his obsidian hand began to experience spiderweb cracks along its surface due to rapidly growing pressure, somewhat akin to an industrial press.

“F-“ he glanced at the kids. “udge,”

“Good on ya,” Perry said, switching spells to heal monolith’s hand while he patted it.

“Is that real?” Gareth asked, poking Monolith’s glittery black skin. “What is that?

“It’s called obsidian,” monolith said. “Or at least that’s what it most resembles. It’s a he-heck of a lot stronger, though,” Monolith muttered, glancing at Perry.

“It’s really cool!” Gareth said, opening up once he found something he was interested in.

“Dam-Dang right it is,” Monolith said, swelling with pride from a four-year-old’s complement.

“HIGHER!” Perry heard Sera shouting and craned his neck to spot Tung-stan throwing Sera up into the air, nearly smashing her brains against the ceiling.

There was literally no higher she could go, but kept insisting anyway.

She’s fine,Perry thought. The walking pile of wolfram was unexpectedly wholesome for a professional arm-twister.

Gareth and Perry continued on, making the rounds until he came across a sight no one should ever have to endure: Chemestro talking to Vanessa Brown.

From high school.

We’ve got to handle this situation with utmost delicacy, Perry thought, crouching low.

“What are you doing, daddy?” Gareth asked, suddenly at eye height.

“Stealth mission,” Perry whispered, casting a spell.

Paradox’s Probability Dodge.exe

Perry split into two distinct possibilities and approached the Chemestro/Vanessa hell-combo, keeping himself undetected with a litany of spells designed to conceal his and Gareth’s presence.

Here’s what we’re gonna do: We’re gonna approach and talk with them with one copy, while spying on them with the copy, allowing me to get both sides of the equation, and therefore an advantage.

It was a mind-bending experience. Perry usually only acted on information he’d gained after the probability split was resolved, but in this case, he was actively feeding himself information from the Perry crouching invisibly behind the finger-food bar, all his senses trained on his two nemesis as they continued their conversation.

Legend:

Talking Perry (standing beside Vanessa and Chemestro)

Eavesdropping Perry (Hiding behind a table invisibly)

“Hey, Chemestro! Long time no see! Where’s Sin-eater?” Talking Perry asked.

“Yeah, In high school he was a total tool, just following Heather around everywhere, tail tucked in like a kicked puppy, now she’s banging his wife every night? Total cuck.”

Holy shit, Vanessa! Eavesdropping Perry thought, relaying the conversation to Talking Perry.

“She’s on maternity leave,” Chemestro said, glancing at Perry’s twitching eye as he stared at Vanessa. “Are you alright?”

“Mmm, yeah, Perry said ripping his gaze away from Vanessa who was taking a large swig of her drink, looking like as innocent as possible.

“That seems highly reductive.” Chemestro said. “Whatever they have going seems to work for them.”

“Sure, sure,” Vanessa said, stepping closer to Chemestro. “So Sin-eater is in Franklin City?”

“Yes?” Chemestro asked with a shrug. “She and her husband are on maternity leave.”

“Something wrong, Perry?” Vanessa asked, frowning back at Perry.

“Oh, uh…”

“Oh, I always thought you two were a thing.”

“She said I’m ‘emotionally unavailable’ and has since married Dazzle,” Chemestro said, completely unphased. He truly did not give a shit.

So you’re single then? Are you doing anything after the party? I’m sure you don’t spend the whole night staring at the wall.”

“Calisthenics, actually.” Chemestro said.

Is she seriously hitting on him?

“So Perry,” Vanessa said, dragging his attention back to her. “I was talking to Natalie earlier and it sounds like you have an open marriage? I was wondering what you’re doing after the party?”

Is she seriously hitting on ME!? the guy she called a cuck – in all seriousness – in another probability happening this very second? Perry was gobsmacked.

Of course, Heather called him a cuck all the time, but that was usually funny as hell. Not so much with Vanessa.

Perry glanced down at the long island she held in her hand.

Ah.

“Even if it were the case that Nat would be cool with me running off on our wedding night, I find you repulsive,” Perry said, giving her a smile and a thumbs up. “Oh, by the way, let me introduce you to our son, Gareth.”

“Hi,” Gareth said to the red-faced woman, giving her a belated wave.

“Fuck youPerry!” She screeched, tossing her drink at Gareth. Perry blocked it with Shield.exe, but it still startled his boy into tears.

Perry glanced down at Gareth sobbing and Vanessa’s retreating back.

“Miss, I believe you’ve had a bit too much to drink,” Chemestro said in the Eavesdropping Perry timeline, shoving Vanessa off of him. “Allow me to sober you up.”

With a wave, from Chemestro, Vanessa doubled over and began vomiting Long Island Iced Tea violently across the glass floor.

Gareth was staring in horror at the display, but at least he wasn’t scarred for life by drunken former prom-queens throwing tantrums and Long-Islands in his face.

Well, I think I know which probability we’re going to go with. The one where Gareth doesn’t get traumatized, Eavesdropping Perry thought. Not to mention Vanessa got way more humiliated without Perry’s help in this sequence of events. Sad he couldn’t do it himself, but he’d rather not drag Gareth into it anyway.

Okay, then… Perry thought, beginning to collapse the probabilities.

“Where’s Nate, anyway? The kid invited everyone else.” Solaris said.

“Who?”

“You know, Mass Driver.”

“Sir…he died…four years ago.”

Eavesdropping Perry frowned and turned his attention over to where Solaris was talking to a Nexus Officer. Titan, in this case. The Bruiser looked snappy in his Nexus uniform.

“Right. Slipped my mind,” Solaris said, one hand clasped around a drink, the other firmly shoved in a pocket.

“...Alright. Well, good work out there, sir,”

“Kissing ass will only get you so far, kid, but I appreciate the hustle,” Solaris said, giving Titan an easy smile. “Now get outta here, make sure everybody’s got a place to sleep tonight and breakfast in the morning.”

“Yessir,” Titan said, saluting before turning away to attend to Nexus logistics.

Solaris turned away from the crowd, incidentally towards Perry’s hiding place.

“Shit,” Solaris muttered, pulling his hand out of his pocket and staring at his trembling fingers, clenching them into a fist over and over. “I knew that, right?…What if he’s lying?”

“She’s throwing up all over the floor!” Gareth said, his attention still on Vanessa.

Solaris heard Gareth, glanced up and really looked at where they were hiding, narrowing his eyes.

Perry could feel the powerful super’s gaze rend the dimensional fabric and pierce his invisibility.

Their gaze met.

“Paradox.” Solaris said, his expression deadly cold for a fraction of an instant before it was masked by a genial smile. “I didn’t see you there.”

On second thought, Gareth can live with a little trauma. Builds character.

Perry collapsed the Probability Dodge.

At his waist, Gareth was bawling into his hands, while Vanessa had disappeared into the party to leech someone else’s spirit.

“There there,” Perry said, tousling Gareth’s hair, walking around to kneel in front of his son, which incidentally put Solaris in his field of view.

Solaris was gone, the man’s drink still wobbling on the table beside where he’d been standing an instant ago. That cold look his other probability had gotten…it had felt like death was breathing down his neck. Best not take any chances. Hopefully Gareth would forgive him for throwing him under the bus.

“Look, Gareth, if it makes you feel any better, that was all Daddy’s fault.”

“She’s the one who threw stuff at me!” Gareth cried.

“Yes, but she wouldn’t if your Daddy hadn’t been mean…”

Perry scanned the party for Solaris, but the man of living light was nowhere to be seen. “Probably. You know what? She’s a bitch, and we should all be mad at her, but I could’ve handled it better, and you didn’t do anything wrong, okay?”

Gareth sniffed in a big gob of cry-snot and nodded. “Okay.”

“Alright," Perry said tousling Gareth’s hair before pointing up. “This is Chemestro. He’s better with kids if he knows what’s good for ‘im.”

“Sure am,” Chemestro said, shaking Gareth’s hand.