Crow Tier Extra: Snippets of Fatherhood (Patreon)

MC:  Approx. 30 days old

With a gasp, Dov snaps awake. The room is still quiet and dark save for the moonlight drifting in through the window and the embers glowing from the grates of the wood stove. He hurries out of bed for the third time, crossing the small distance to the corner where the makeshift crib sets. He peers inside, worry pressed into his face.

Still asleep and completely fine – again.

He smiles. He smiles, even though he's so tired. But not too tired to grin down at the little babe in the box. They had a rough day today, and Dov can't settle. He frets over this little creature so much, more than he's ever worried about anyone before. He's lost track of the days since they found them though.

Too many. Not enough.

Too many for him to keep hope that a family is out there desperately looking for this little one. Not enough to satisfy the longing in his heart.

Dov looks over to Kip who is completely lost in a deep sleep, exhausted after caring for the cranky little one all day. Normally, he sleeps with some air of dignity – tucked neatly in the covers, lying on his back. But now he is face-first into his pillow, arms and legs splayed out as he snores lightly. Dov resists a chuckle, knowing Kip would deny such a thing.

The memory of the funeral pyre invades his mind again. They weren't able to delay it any longer, so they made sure the mother had an honorable service. He gets choked up once more. If he could at least know her name, he would feel better. Her ashes are sealed away – waiting – and Dov prays every day that someone who loves her will come for them. He prays that she is loved, but his heart breaks for those who would miss her too.

He rubs tears from his eyes and almost laughs at himself. Here, he is so paranoid about the baby being upset or uncomfortable, and he's the one crying. The babe cried all day after all, and Betony and Kip could not soothe them. They at least ate well all day, but simply wouldn't sleep, so Betony needed respite. She taught Kip and Dov how to feed the little baby using goat's milk and a device that looked a bit like an oil lamp. He was glad they would be able to keep the baby overnight now without needing Betony nearby.

His hands twitch to hold the infant suddenly, but he resists. They're so tiny when in his arms, he was so scared about holding them at first, but now he covets it. He knows he needs to try and sleep, but it's hard to pull away from watching the little tyke snooze so soundly.

His heart aches again. If this baby's family knocked on the door tomorrow, would he be able to give them up? He chews his lip to keep his composure. The conflict in his feelings is tremendous. Would his husband want to adopt them? They talked about adopting a child a couple of times already and they've been together for several years…. When is a good time to bring home a child? They have a house, enough money, and good land. Betony has taught them so much in the last several days and has been so gracious to keep the baby fed as well. But, she's kept them most nights, and he and Kip haven't experienced what it's like to have them all to themselves yet. He can't help but feel that they would be better parents than most anyway. Dov's own mother taught him well. Even though she could be stern, she always listened thoughtfully and loved him fiercely. Kip is desperate to right the wrongs of his own father and Dov knows that he would be a loving parent.

The baby stirs for a moment and Dov stills, watching for any sign of distress. They fuss a little, open their eyes, and stretch out their arms as they grunt. His heart warms and he decides to pick them up. Carefully he scoops them in his big hands. The baby coos happily, looking back at him with round sleepy eyes. Dov rests them against his chest and bounces a bit in place like Betony taught him. Their little baby hands grip his clothes tightly as they make more cute little grunts. He wonders if they'll be hungry yet or not and if he should begin to heat milk.

But, the baby never cries. They coo at Dov until they fall back asleep upon his chest. He soaks it in for a good while before he places them back in the box.

As he sits on the bed, deciding to try and sleep again he smiles. He's glad the crib is almost done….

MC: approx. 1.5 years old

Dov comes through the door. It's late for him. Work had kept him busy all day and then out even longer for a furniture delivery to a remote home outside of town.

As soon as he's through the door he hears a tremendous splash and then Kip calling out in distress. He looks toward the washroom just in time to see little Ravinder running from it, buck naked, screeching with glee as their little legs toddle as fast as possible through the house. There's a clamor from the washroom, the sounds of things falling and crashing echo before Kip stumbles through the doorway.

He stops as he notices Dov standing in the entryway. Kip is dripping water from head to toe – his hair is soaked and plastered flat against his scalp. His shirt clings to him as he braces against the doorframe, looking exasperated.

Ravinder squeals with glee again, running back through the room towards Dov.

"Baba! Baaaaba!" they call, tugging on his pant leg.

Dov scoops the babe up and looks at his husband, whose face has gone from exasperation to shock. Kip leans forward and supports himself on his knees as he breathes deeply.

Dov cradles Ravinder as he walks up. "Love, was the day rough?"

Kip laughs breathily for a moment before it catches in his throat and turns into crying. Dov places his free hand on his husband's shoulder. Kip slowly sinks to his knees and then falls back on his rear as tears fill his eyes. Dov kneels with Ravinder clinging to his neck while giggling happily. He reaches over and brushes his knuckles over Kip's cheek.

"What do ya need me to do?" he asks.

Shaking his head, Kip sniffles. "Ravinder doesn't want me," he whimpers. "Am I a bad father?"

"What? Where did that come from?"

Kip gestures to Ravinder. "They ran from me all day. None of the food I made was good, they didn't want to play with me. And when I read their favorite book, they cried!" He rubs the tears from his eyes. "It must be me…. They've been fussy all day except for when you came through the door." He sobs. "Maybe I really am too much like my father, maybe Ravinder can sense it…"

Dov scoots over and pulls Kip in with his free arm, hugging him close and absorbing some of the water that soaks his clothes. "Love, that's not true. Ravinder adores ya and yer nothin' like that man; it's just a bad day."

A long sob follows. "Sprout shit on our bed!"

Dov looks at Ravinder who is smiling brightly at him. "Ya didn't, little one…"

Kip whimpers. "On my side too…"

Ravinder giggles. "Shit! Shit!" they repeat with glee.

With the heels of his hands pressed into his eyes, Kip recounts the events. "I was changing their underclothes…and they weren't- weren't finished I guess…Ravinder ran from me, got on my side of the bed…and…." He sobs. "So I cleaned them up, changed them, and then stripped the linens. While I did the laundry, Ravinder wouldn't mind or sit still so it took hours, and once the linens were on the line…they took them down while my back was turned and rolled them in the mud."

Dov sighs and looks at Ravinder who is still smiling and clutching his beard, rambling mostly nonsense but saying "baba" over and over.

Kip continues. "By then it was late and then Ravinder was filthy, and I was out of time to redo the laundry…So, I heated up the water for the bath and they started running away from me. I chased them all over the house, finally about got them in their tub, but they kicked it over. I slipped, Ravinder ran, and another bucket fell on me." Kip pulls the sopping fabric from his chest and releases it with a soggy slap.

Dov kisses the side of his head. "Still just a bad day, my love. A very bad one."

Kip bawls. "How can you be sure!? Ravinder is so smart already and not even two cycles old, what if they can tell that I'm not good at this? What if they keep pulling away from me? Ravinder doesn't call for me anymore, they only want you…they've grown wise to me and know that I'm inept as a father!"

"Love, yer in a spiral right now. Take a breath, please."

He tries to breathe, but sobs on the exhale. Dov tries to give reassurance and encouragement as Ravinder begins to wiggle, so he sets the tyke on his knee while he tries to keep Kip grounded.

"Dada…"

They both pause and look at their naked toddler. Kip's chin quivers.

"Dada?" Ravinder says again.

Kip looks over with watery and red-rimmed eyes. "Yes, baby?"

Dov catches the lilt in his voice, one that sounds more hopeful. Ravinder wiggles out of Dov's lap and grabs onto their other father's wet clothing.

"Why you sad?" their little voice asks.

He sniffles. "I'm…I'm sad because I'm…worried that I don't do a good job for you, and I'm sorry."

Ravinder looks over at Dov, little eyebrows creased with concern. "Baba, Dada is sad…"

Dov nods. "That's right, little Sprout, Dada is worried."

Ravinder clings tightly to Kip. "I'm help," they say, snuggling against his chest. "Love Dada."

Kip wraps his arms around the little child. "I love you too, baby. So much." He releases a long breath, disguising a sob.

Dov sees Kip relax as their child clings to him.

"Baba is wet," Ravinder says and then begins to giggle. "E'm sorry I shit."

Kip laughs through his tears. "I shouldn't laugh, but it's cute to hear you say that. It's okay, love, thank you for apologizing."

Ravinder looks at Dov and grins. "Dada was so fun today!"

"Fun?" Dov asks.

Ravinder nods. "He chased me, we sang songs, we chase s'more, we read and play in the mud!"

Kip sighs. "If this day was your idea of fun, your teenage years might actually do me in…"

"Dada?" Ravinder taps Kip's shoulder. "I'm hungry."

Dov pats Ravinder's head. "How about we finish yer bath while Dada has a moment to himself, and then we'll have dinner at the tavern instead?"

"Yes!" Ravinder cries and then squeals with glee.

Kip smiles at Dov, meeting him for a sweet kiss as Ravinder giggles at them.

Picking up the little tyke, Dov stands and then helps his husband to his feet. "Now, little one," he says. "How about ya tell me all about yer day with Dada while ya have a bath…"

Ravinder's face lights up with a bright and somewhat mischievous smile….

MC:  nearly 14 years old

Kip startles as the front door bursts open. He hears quick footsteps, clearly not Dov's, that go upstairs. It must be Ravinder. He then hears their bedroom door slam shut.

Oh.

He sighs, knowing where Ravinder just came from and that something probably happened. He kicks himself for leaving before them. Everything had seemed fine at the party, as fine as Oswin is these days at least.

"What did that dumb boy do now?" he asks himself quietly as he puts down his quill and sets his ledgers aside.

Kip stands, briefly considering if he should lightly flog Oswin for his attitude. He's been progressively troubled for years and Kip has tried to gently work with him. The boy is much more fragile than most would expect, but rather than collecting his broken pieces to repair them, he tends to fashion them into weapons and armor to keep others away. Kip can't help but see his own pain reflected in Oswin's troubles even if they aren't exactly the same.

He takes a deep breath as he heads to the stairs. Before Ravinder had gone out with Emre, Kip noticed they had a gift with them. They seemed to try and hide whatever it was. He wasn't sure if it was meant to be secret or not, but he didn't pry.

As he reaches Ravinder's door, he hears sniffling. He steals himself against his own tears. No one ever told him when he took on the mantle of fatherhood just how damn hard it is to know your child is crying. Maybe he'll be flogging Oswin before the night is done after all.

Kip knocks lightly and waits, hoping with his whole heart that he's not sent away.

"Yes?" comes a weak reply.

"Sprout? Can I come in?" he asks against the heavy door.

There are shuffling sounds for a moment before a response comes. "Sure."

As he walks through the door, turning to shut it gently, he finds Ravinder sitting at the head of their bed. They're still in street clothes, even draped in a soggy cloak.

He sits a little way down to give them space. "You're looking a little drowned there kid…"

Ravinder grunts a reply before unclasping the cloak and taking it off. Kip takes it in his hands, bundling it up and setting it at the foot of the bed.

"So, what happened?" he asks.

"Nothing."

Nodding, he offers a small smile. "You are just like your old man here; I also ran into my room and slammed the door when nothing happened as a teenager."

Ravinder's sharp eyes glare at him in return.

Kip clears his throat. "Sorry, force of habit. I just hate when you're clearly not okay. I already know it probably has something to do with the grumpiest Twinflower…"

Finally, they heave a relenting sigh. "He threw my gift away, Da."

"He what?" Kip asks with a sinister tone.

"It was a trinket we found when we were kids. That time, after I first got sick, when he finally started treating me like normal, we found it. I just wanted to be friends again, Da…that's it. I didn't do anything to him." Their voice catches.

"You wanted to remind him of that? Of being friends?"

Ravinder nods. "He told me to keep it back then, said I deserved it. I thought if I gave it back, reminded him of how special things used to be, that it would change something now. But he just got weird – again! He looked sad and lost, and I thought maybe I had reached him…but then he got mad and threw it in the brook."

Images of his hands around Oswin's throat invade Kip's mind briefly. He scoots a little closer. "Was Emre with you at least?"

They nod again. "He tried to stick up for me – which is what real friends do."

"Exactly, exactly, Sprout…. I'm sorry that he's been such a hardass with you."

"Da, what did I do? Why is he like this?"

"I don't think you did anything, honestly. He's fickle, as Grandmother would say. I have tried with him, but there is something…I don't know what, that is eating him up. It's gotten worse in the past cycle. Maybe the apprenticeship is stressful too. His master is known to be the best around, but he's a hard teacher too."

Flopping down on their back, Ravinder sighs. "Would you please not make excuses for him right now?"

Kip pauses, feeling a little guilty. "Sorry, kid. I'm not trying to defend him consciously. He's still an ass for how he acts out…." A long pause settles before he continues. "So are you more sad or angry?"

"I dunno. Maybe both I guess. I just…I hate that it's so easy for him to hurt me, but it's like I'm nothing to him."

Scooting back on the bed, Kip joins his beloved child in lying down and staring at the ceiling. He takes a breath. "I don't have a straight answer for you, I wish I did. And I don't say this to defend him but rather to help you feel better. The fact that he acts out like that against you means that you still have a place in his heart."

Ravinder snorts. "Yeah, sure it does."

"Truly," Kip tries again. "Would someone who did not care, who was unaffected, have an emotional reaction to you?"

"I dunno, maybe not."

"Even that brat, what's-his-name?" Kip racks his brain for the name of the brown-haired little weasel that has bothered his Sprout for years on end.

"You mean Ves?"

He snaps his fingers. "Yes, that's the little beast. Even Ves has you in his heart – albeit in a different way. His bullying is different, but he would not do it, you would not provoke an emotional response from him, if he did not have emotions about you. He bullies you out of jealousy, specifically where Oswin is concerned. He would not do this if he didn't feel he was losing to you."

It's quiet for a time before Ravinder speaks. "So Oswin doesn't bully me, but he's…I don't know what he is. He snaps at me one minute and then chides me about staying warm or eating the next. It seems like he cares, but his tone is all wrong – things like that."

"You are in his heart, but there is something else in there…something that causes him pain too where you are concerned. And I know it's not hatred."

Ravinder takes a few deep breaths, placing their arm over their eyes. "Tonight felt like my last chance to be friends again, Da. I don't know if I can keep doing this."

Kip hums. "I understand. Just remember that there is no such thing as too late as long as you both walk Iroda, but it is okay to sever a connection that hurts you. Either let him go or hold onto something, any thread of feeling or friendship will do, and maybe one day it will lead you back to him."

"You act like you understand him better than I do." Ravinder muses.

"I admit that in some ways I do. These days you can't get me to shut up, but I used to have my heart closed off to everyone. Until I met your papa that is, and I rediscovered who I really was."

"Really?" Ravinder sits up and looks down at Kip.

"Really. Maybe not like how he does it, but I was…I wasn't fun. Well, I was! Just not in a good or healthy way…I degraded myself really, took it out on myself in horrible ways and I only treated people as a means to an end. Even when I first met your papa I-"

"What?" Ravinder raises an eyebrow.

"You probably don't wanna know that…" Kip clears his throat and sits up to leave.

"No! Tell me, Da." Ravinder pleads.

"All I'll say is that I didn't look at him and think 'marriage.'"

Ravinder makes a sour face. "Ew."

Kip gasps. "Ew!? Ew!?" He sits up and pokes his precious Sprout in the cheek. "I'll have you know that I thought your father was incredibly handsome."

They push Kip away, but can't hide their smile. 

"Your grandmother kept scowling at me, but I was determined! His beard was shorter then, but he looked like he was sent from the stars – all muscle-bound and tall…"

"No!" Ravinder calls, pressing their hands to their ears as they get up from the bed. "This is just like those weird books you read, and I don't want anything to do with it!"

Kip gives chase as Ravinder tries to get out of the room. "I loved how sweet and shy he was! He blushed every time I flirted with him!"

"Gross!" Ravinder laughs, swinging their door open and fleeing down the stairs.

Not to be outdone, he follows. "It took me twelve whole days to get him to kiss me! But it was the best kiss I had ever had!"

Ravinder pretends to scream but breaks into a laugh as they run to the den. "Da's trying to traumatize me!"

They suddenly stop and Kip nearly bumps into their back. "I was madly in love before I ever even realized it!" He laughs as he puts an arm around his child, realizing that Dov is sitting in the den, looking back with his eyes wide. "Oh, hello…dear."

His husband smirks as Ravinder runs behind his chair and points a finger at Kip. "Da is telling tales about you, Papa!" They laugh, almost cackle.

Dov hums. "Is he now? Did he tell ya about how I thought he had the most beautiful eyes?"

"What!?" Ravinder looks mortified at the betrayal.

"Mm-hmm," he continues. "I fell in love with his laugh first…he lit up a room."

Kip walks up to his husband and plops in his lap, throwing his arms around his broad shoulders. "I fought my feelings for a long time, but I couldn't stay away from your papa. He was already in my heart, and I knew I couldn't live without him." He places an arm across his forehead and leans back dramatically, kicking a leg out for good measure.

Sprout is laughing and still feigning disgust. They all carry on for a bit until Ravinder surrenders. "Alright! Alright!" They say, "I get it. Congratulations, Da, you distracted me." They smile and then lean over to hug him and Dov together. "I'm going to bed…. If I have nightmares, I'm telling Grandmother on you both when she visits for my naming ceremony."

They all say goodnight and Ravinder makes their way back upstairs. Once their door shuts, Kip heaves a sigh of relief, still in Dov's lap.

"What was that about, love?" Dov asks.

"I'll tell you later. Say, can I borrow your belt?"

Dov furrows his heavy brow. "My belt? What would ya need that for? It's much too big for ya."

Kip grins. "I'll need it in the morning…I'm going to pay Oswin Twinflower a little visit…."

(Author's Note:  Oswin was not harmed, only chased around a bit, lol.)