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Sorry (Personal, Maybe Buzkiller To Some) (Patreon)

Published:
2022-06-21 00:03:41
Edited:
2022-06-21 01:54:40
Imported:
2026-06

Content

TLDR: I'm depressed & there will be stuff other than a simple bl*wjob, in the Old Thank You Scene Remake.First of all, I'm sorry if this is a buzzkiller to some... But I felt I had to lay it all out for honesty.I know I was too late with Night Ride and now it's also taking too much time to release the remake for the Old Thank You Scene with Ellie.I don't want to drag this out so... I will directly say that I'm at a point in life that I have no reason to wake up in the morning for the last 6-7 years. I just... I have nothing to wake up to. And I will quickly say that it's not because I'm an asocial "incel," with 23418954331547 kgs of weight and I'm not wearing a fedora... I had to say this because of memes. Since most of you noticed I'm pretty "based," and a chill guy. And irl I think I got good social skills. I'm not weird, please believe me :DAnyways, I went to a physiatrist 3 months ago... Or a psychologist? I don't know, the one who can prescribe medicine... And I got diagnosed with major depression, which I knew already.I honestly didn't care about it before, I just knew that I had to survive and at one point I was going to be fine... Those were my thoughts. My background is kinda similiar to Guts, in terms of sexual stuff :D And the effects of it was so bad irl when you combine it with all the other problems of a teenager... You know, parents, money, school, ex gf etc. Finally I just ended up like this and learned to live like this.You guys and gals changed my life. Even if it's p*rn I managed to do something interesting, I managed to show my creativity and my passion. I was getting money for doing something I genuinely cared for.But life is brutal sometimes. With this support & money, I felt hope... Which then got crushed with reality. I no longer feel anything cheerful. I'm just pretending, coping... I always have this thick, heavy, dark coc- feeling on me :DEhm... On my chest, it's getting unbearable and when I see some of my friends happy... I want the best for them but I also feel sad, I want to feel like that again... The past events no longer have an active impact on me but... It just broke my subconscious apparently, due to what my doctor says. I just can't feel other than sadness. I want to be happy but I have no control over it anymore... I just can't. It's just sadness all over me no matter what I think.So yeah... That's what I'm going through. I did my best to upgrade the quality of my life by stop smoking, I'm currently trying to help a friend of mine who is a cancer-survivor to gain money from VaM, I'm going out & trying to find the ultimate nice girl who can also handle my hornyness at the same time....But I'm feeling very suicidal. Which is also complicated. I don't want to live like this anymore but this is my only chance in life so I have to keep going no matter how bad it feels. I want to believe that in the end I will be happy and su*cide means I will miss that chance.I'm sorry guys & gals. I don't want to spoil your fun but I really, really had to lay it out. I don't want to look like I'm milking money.And be sure that I'm doing my best with the remake of the Old Thank You Scene. There will be stuff other than a simple bl*wjob.

Files

Comments

creamypushy

I've been listening to Jordan Peterson and Lex Fridman a lot recently, and it's helped me with my growth- still learning, and have a long way to go - everyone's different, but might be something to look into to get a new perspective and learn some things along the way. Any case - hope you're feeling better soon and that you find your rhythm and something that makes you excited for a new day again. Much love in the meantime. (edit: I had a roommate who followed through with what you're talking about, and I'm still mad at him for doing it. There's no knowing what's on the other side of this, I know for a fact we would have had more good times together, I would have seen him succeed in his endeavors, be there when he failed, and help each other grow. If you're not already in the position to be that for someone, don't deny the chance of it happening. I believe in you buddy. Life is all we have.)

Androinz

I'm a bit drunk btw. Because otherwise there is no way I'm going to post this. But in order to post this, I had to get drunk. If there is any typo I'll probably fix it later or just going to delete the post overall :D The reason for me posting this is to show you what's actually going on in my life and maybe that I need some supportive comments. I love all my friends but, sometimes there are "cringe," situations. And you don't know what to say or how to handle... And my situation kinda got fucked up very fast, they don't know how to react to me.

MicroTab

Well, I feel you. Life can be a real bitch sometimes.

MicroTab

Personnaly, I'm not upset or anything for the delays, and I don't think anyone should be given the circumstances. I'll even add that it's ok if you need a long break , take the time you need to heal !

MG

I think a lot of us here are in the same position in life (at least I am.) Take whatever time you need and get well. There is seemingly an unlimited supply of VAM content, so if you need to step away for a while, just pause subscriptions or keep them going and we'll understand and help out.

Nawen

I can't speak for other people but I think its beautiful that you can open up.. and understand depression very very well... Some of the NTR aspects of the scenes show allot of pain and I can see it being expressed. VAM has a strong community from that kind of thing.. Finding that woman for you may help but also its not a cure... Most women have lost all quality to them and honestly people are just afraid to admit it... a good one is extremely rare... I recommend to avoid dating sites, and find a matchmaker, someone with a job in the field of connections, apparently they're more successful at good connections with someone you'd like. And also weird to say but too much well ..fappin.. can push depression systems to an extreme in men , as well as lots of drinking, I would never tell you how to live but just keep it in mind... Wish you the best on this path, and anyone else suffering it... I struggle with it too and wouldn't wish it on anyone... Love your scenes, honestly do but if you need a break from anything , think of yourself first, don't hurt yourself... thank you for your creations, and for opening up. And don't feel bad if people don't understand, it takes depression to truly understand depression...

Diobald

Man enjoy the work you make here because is brutal. I think no one can really be upset if you need time to do things as complicated as your scenes. Life can be hopless sometimes. The only thing that i can really say to you is that better times always comes. Always. Search strenght on you friends and relatives. And hold up.

Avoric

Delays are fine, we don't care. You make some damn good stuff! But keep making it, keep going. Keep being yourself. Fuck us and what we think (just not like your girls please). Just keep being you.

agentofspectr

Bro, I don't know you, but I feel you. Not for nothing, but you're probably the most talented Creator on this platform. You bring life to your characters like no one else, and I will continue to support you even if you need to take a break. Keep putting out this top-notch content, and don't worry about us. I look forward to your posts more than any other, and I sub quite a few creators. Find your center, and just keep doing your thing.

Chojol

I totally understand that feeling dude. I have been there several times because of several occasions that have destroyed me mentally and emotionally, so I kind of understand what you are going through (I know everyone goes through different things, but at least the heavy depression part I understand). Even if you currently feel like you won't feel happiness, it will come eventually, I'm pretty sure. Keep on doing what you love most, and keep pursuing that. Keep in contact with friends is a good thing you are doing too, it helps for a moment at least. I know it sounds cheesy, but what you are going through will make you stronger, so don't stop fighting my dude, even if the path feels long. I haven't been much active in this community, but I can tell that you are nice person and things will turn around and happiness will come in some way or another. Your work is amazing by the way, love it, but take your time if you need to, we all got your back here! Keep your chin high my dude!

Androinz

If you guys & gals want to PM just do it. I might fall asleep any moment but I will eventually reply genuinely.

Clayfacer

Sorry to hear. Hope you can overcome. I really enjoy your work always look forward to it.

Kian

Having dealt with depression, anxiety and suicidal ideation my while life (since 6) I can tell that you are fighting the good fight. My heart goes out to you. (I think the only thing I can recommend is that you remember to be as empathetic to yourself as those around you.) You make good art, it lives and breathes. Thank you :)

Gordon

Hey man, I've basically spent two years in bed watching youtube and if I wasn't vegetating away sleeping I thought about throwing myself in front of a train instead, every time I came home from university. I didn't, though and I can get out of bed in the morning without much struggle now. Since you referenced Berserk... that's the most life affirming story I could think of. If Guts didn't off himself, then neither should you. If you end it now you'll miss out on so many great friends you would've made along the way. That's pretty cheesy, but also true.

Jack Olatantern

Pretty sure you've heard all the positive things, and even some of the negative ones, anybody could offer... and I don't want to add to the broken record of repeated clichés but... (there's always a but isn't there?)… as dark and as lonely as it all may seem, the complete opposite is always possible. I'm sorry you're going through the ringer, but I'm happy you're still fighting to hang on. I know I don't know you personally, nor do you know me, but I at least want you to know that in this aspect of your life, you aren't entirely alone. I respect what you're doing for your friend and the work you continue to put out expressing your artistic creativity, and I hope this brings some sense of clarity to your views of yourself, but these are qualities the world desperately needs. Hope to read an update in the future that you are fulfilled and happy. I wish you well in all your endeavors.

The Man

Had the same thing. Started using yellow glasses... after a while. All gone. Was the blue light that messed up my head. Not sure it will work for you, but its worth a try. Its painless, drugless and cheap so there is pretty much nothing to lose :)

lord farquaad

Hey brother. Got nothing to say that hasn't been said here more elegantly, so I'll just say I hope things improve for you. Take all the time in the world. Willing to wager many of us are in similar boats and it's increasingly hard to find comradery. Well, seems you've got it here. :) Cheers man, thanks as always for the good content. Hope you get some coming your way in life soon, too. <3

Skull Ohm

Your work is amazing, I'm sorry your going through this terrible mental state. I haven't been here long (few months) and this is not a put down to other creators but you've posted the most updates. Delays happen when it comes to content that has be created and developed, tested...etc I would think most of us understand that as well. I think your doing great, you keep us updated with everything, more than happy to support you & your work. I hope this helps you get you through your depression, your extremely talented and hardworking. Keep it up brother! :)

Neko

It's SUPER important to talk honestly like this, even admitting to self-destructive thoughts. Please don't stop seeing the mental health person, and if you can do some online therapy in addition, it will help. Just know your work means a lot to many people, including me. If you need to take a break from this, go ahead, but know we are all here waiting for you. It sucks what you are going through, but you are not alone. I highly recommend playing Death Stranding: Director's Edition. Many people with depression have said that game gave them hope.