No Diet November 2025 - 8 (Patreon)

(Creator's note: Sorry for the delay, I've been sick and am finally on the mend)

Keep the questions and contents coming! A couple more images and this years NDN will be completed.

Ultimate Fattening Ranch Loaded Mashed Potatoes

(Serves 1 fat piggy, ~8,540 calories per serving)

Ingredients:

4 lbs Yukon Gold, roughly peeled and cut into chunks

1 stick salted butter, softened (plus 2-3 extra Tbsp because why stop)

8 oz full-fat cream cheese, softened

1 cup heavy whipping cream

1 cup full-fat sour cream

1 packet (1 oz) ranch dressing seasoning mix (Hidden Valley or store brand)

½ cup real ranch dressing (bottled, full-fat; adds extra tang and calories)

2 cups shredded sharp cheddar cheese (divided)

1 lb bacon, cooked crisp and crumbled (reserve that glorious bacon grease)

4 green onions, sliced (for a pop of color and fake health points)

Salt and black pepper to taste (you'll need a lot of salt)

Optional but highly recommended: ¼ cup bacon grease drizzled in for extra richness

Instructions:

Boil the potatoes: Throw your potato chunks into a large pot of heavily salted water. Bring to a boil, then simmer 15-20 minutes until fork-tender. Drain well.

Warm the liquids: While the potatoes cook, warm the heavy cream in a small saucepan or microwave. This keeps everything silky.

Mash the hash: Return the drained potatoes to the hot pot. Add the stick of butter, cream cheese, sour cream, ranch seasoning packet, and ranch dressing. Mash with a potato masher or use a hand mixer on low for ultimate creaminess. Slowly pour in the warm heavy cream until you reach your desired decadence level; aim for velvety, not stiff.

Indulgences: Stir in 1½ cups of the cheddar cheese, most of the crumbled bacon, and half the green onions. Taste and adjust with salt/pepper. If you're feeling like a complete pig, drizzle in some reserved bacon grease here. It melts in and adds that "I regret nothing" flavor.

Top and broil (optional): Transfer to a baking dish, top with the remaining ½ cup cheddar and extra bacon bits. Broil for 3-5 minutes until the cheese is bubbly and golden. Watch it like a hawk, it burns fast.

Serve: Garnish with remaining green onions. Pair with Mississippi Mud Roast, fried chicken, or just a spoon and zero regrets.

These potatoes are so rich they'll practically ooze butter when you scoop them. One bite and you'll forget kale ever existed.