Weekly Update: I'm Just Not Happy Here (Patreon)

I think the only way to describe how I'm feeling is "burnt out" which feels terribly cliched but it just sums things up perfectly.

For the first time in awhile I looked at my pay-stub for the club and discovered I'm working about 50 hours a week. Technically I am only scheduled 4 days a week but they're each 9 to 11 hour shifts and I often cover extra shifts. I'm on my feet for all those hours and when I get home I walk my dog for 30-60 minutes, try to sleep for 3-6 hours, give up, and go about doing the 10 million things I do each day (therapy, working out, editing photos, shooting, returning emails, paying bills, vet appointments, keeping up with my siblings, etc.). 

If I have a day with no strict obligations, I feel like I have to do something worthwhile because what point is all this work if I'm not doing anything with this life? 

While going on a hike, skate camp, or to goth night are useful to my mental well-being and fulfilling to my identity, they're fucking exhausting to do when I'm already so freaking tired. They feel like a chore and I feel guilty I'm not working on Patreon stuff.

I am constantly defending how busy I am and yet I still feel like I'm not doing enough, being enough. 

I'm also overwhelmed by the thought that this would all be so much easier if I was in a committed relationship. I wish I had someone that could comfort me at the end of the day, drop something off at the post office for me, keep Copper company, enable me to decompress, etc. 

Unfortunately, there seems to be no end in sight to my oh-so glorious independence especially when I keep adding the troubles of other's on to my plate who straight-up refuse to return the favor - not that I expect them to, it's just that I currently feel really worthless in all my closest relationships.

I'm just so tired and alone and I don't know how to alleviate any of it. I keep telling myself there's a light at the end of this tunnel but I don't what it is or where it is. 

Part of me really wants to give up some of my shifts because I feel like I'm dying just existing but at the same time I know I need to save money before I get the fuck out of here and I HAVE TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE. Getting a more reasonable schedule would just be me getting comfortable and inevitably continuing to do the same thing in the same place and hoping for a different result. I am not THAT insane.

I so deeply want to be back near the ocean. I want to be near people more like me. I want to do stuff outdoors with Copper year-round.

In the meantime, I'm sleeping on an air mattress in my friend's extra room, trying to save as much money as possible, and being as productive as possible as a sister, creator, and dog-mom. I can do this.

...

This week I went hiking up north in the Salt River with Copper and Niki. I also helped a friend throw a Nerf War birthday party for his son and had a lot of fun doing it. The fun was a bit bittersweet because it gave me a false sense of domestically and partnership, something I so deeply crave but do not have. I also probably spent a little too much time and money on the whole endeavor but it made me feel really good to do it. It's kinda pathetic how much joy I take in doing things for people who don't necessarily need it and wouldn't do anything for me. I may have cried myself to sleep thinking about it.

Christ I'm a downer.

Tomorrow I'm going to spend 2.5 days with my brother and nephew at Six Flags. I want to spend as much time as possible with my nephew before I move; I adore that little guy. 

My ex I adopted Copper with is being a dick because his new girlfriend is insecure and so he refuses to let Copper have play dates with Daisy and Baxter. I can tell Copper is sad; she is confused by all the changes and misses having time with other animals. Although I have a roommate now that loves her and spends time with her, I think I'm gonna spring the extra cash to board her at a fancy doggy day-care/spa while I'm at Six Flags so she can have some interaction with other dogs. I think it will help her mood a lot.

I messaged a ton of Arizona and New Mexico based Suicide Girls and I'm hoping some good stuff comes from that but geeze these girls are flaky.