Writer? Essayist? Commentator? (Patreon)

I've always identified myself as a writer first and foremost; it's the thing that feels most natural to me and my successes in writing are among my proudest accomplishments. For these same reasons, it is the skill I am the most self-conscience about.

I've wanted to be a professional creative writer most of my life and, yet, I still haven't put myself out there. I've done a decent amount of journalistic work, but I've always been very guarded about my creative writing.

I think my trepidation is because I take failure and criticism very hard as it is; I don't think I could handle failure and criticism regarding the thing I cherish and respect the most. 

I had a critical thinking/writing professor in college that thought all my essays were trash. I became a complete and total nervous wreck about it. I feared starting essays. I second-guessed all the writing I had ever done. I felt like I was stupid and some how scammed my way to how far I had come. I had a nervous breakdown and had to start seeing a therapist again (at this time, that was something I avoided). 

It was such a trivial thing, and I passed the damn class, but it was a mortifying experience and I didn't ever want to feel that way again.

Unfortunately, that position is in direct conflict with my "don't live in fear of trying things" mantra that has vastly improved the last 4 years of my life. It is direct conflict with the fact that I want to be writer. It's completely in opposition to the fact that I get relief from articulating my perspectives on certain issues.

Up until now, I've limited myself to expressing things in the confines of various social media platforms which is often quite silly both in form and forum. However, it is my resolution this year to sell a screenplay and, in order to do that, I need to flex my writing muscles and better develop that aspect of my creative identity. 

Those of you on my Snapchat feed, you know those random text tirades I go on? I'm not going to do that on Snapchat anymore, I'm going to do it here, but in a more... formal way? 

I don't know what semi-informal writings on random ideas makes me, title-wise... Augusten Burroughs is one of my favorite writers and essentially all he does is write out his thoughts and they call him an "memoir essayist." So maybe part of this Patreon is devoted to supporting memoir essays? Or can we just stick with the vague and all-encompassing "writer"? What do they call someone that generally over-shares on internet? I feel like there should be a title for that. Perhaps, "desperate"?

Part of me thinks it's extraordinarily conceded to assume anyone is interested in what I, of all people, have to say about anything. However, I'm probably going to express it somewhere so it might as well be here. If you like it, awesome. Feel free to start a dialog with me! If you don't like it, just scroll past all the text to the titties. I will not mind at all; titties are usually more fun than reading.

Hopefully I won't say anything that offends any of you that support my modeling and photography, but I don't think you'd be here if you were easily offended. Furthermore, I'm constantly growing and changing and dealing with fluctuating emotions; there's a good chance I'll write something out of anger and will be disgusted with it days later, so don't take anything I write to heart because there's a semi-decent chance I don't.

Photo: By me of Justine Marie and Eydis Suicide.