The Second Letter I’ll Never Send (Patreon)

I don’t think you’d believe me if I told you I didn’t want to do this. From the things I’ve heard uttered from your lips, it appears as if this picture is painted of me in your mind, a picture that I am angry, that I am mad, that I am spewing hatred about your personhood. That I spread falsehoods to make you a villain.

I am not.

I speak only to those who ask. I share my story with the caveat that you were hurt, too. That you learned your lessons under duress. That you tried your best. For that, I cannot blame you. What I blame you for is not learning. Is not growing. Is not apologizing and working with me on healing our relationship. What I blame you for is not loving me as a parent ought to.

I got engaged this last weekend. It has meant the world to me. She means the world to me. I love her endlessly. I desire to be at her side until the sun burns out, until the galaxy takes its last breath, and even then, I wish for my collection of star dust to wander alongside hers. I love her. I wish you could witness that.

You told Justine that you thought I was pushing boundaries with my affection for my fiancee. I tried not to. I worked hard to keep my affection limited, chaste, something not to take notice of. And yet, notice was taken, and deemed wrong. Even in my protected happiness, issue was taken with how I love. Issue has always been taken with how I love.

Your silence over my engagement hurts me, just as much as it would hurt if you said something. I am in a hard spot - I both wish to hear from you and dread hearing from you. I want you to be happy for me, but I know you are not. I want you to celebrate with me, but I know you will not. If you say anything at all, it will be wholly unworthy of me. It will be a disgrace to you. It will be utterances of veiled disapproval behind false niceties. I cannot take that any longer.

My body has tensed all week preparing for the words you might say. It has tensed preparing for the words you won’t. You are not excited for me. And knowing that you know I am engaged does not make me feel joy. It does not make me feel happy. It makes me feel excruciating pain that will not go away. It coils in my shoulders. It hardens the muscles in my neck. I sleep as a board, unable to relax.

Seeing your posts on social media, seeing your life continue on, seeing how active you are and how silent you are makes my heart ache. And I will not put my body through this any longer.

I must abandon my love for you. I must abandon my hope that you will come around. I must abandon my desire to have you in my life.

I’m going to block you, mom. I’m sorry. I wish it wasn’t this way. But it is. I cannot do this to myself any longer.