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Chiaroscuro VI (Patreon)

Published:
2017-02-16 08:41:00
Edited:
2024-06-06 04:09:16
Imported:
2026-10
Tags:

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NOTE (June 5, 2024): This content has been TEMPORARILY removed due to Google's unethical AI scraping. The content will be moving to cryptpad hosting, as soon as possible.

I actually ended up cutting the end off this chapter as well, but things certainly happen in it! If you remember this part of the draft it's more or less the same events, just put together more coherently. Any goofs are totally my fault, I will be fine-tuning this in a bit but I'm so late on it already I just needed to post it!

Chiaroscuro VI 

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Comments

Potatoe

I love it when Keyd gets all badass and tells people what he really thinks. Even if in this case it was not the smartest idea.

lonealien

That was intense! I love the extra details you added to flesh out the setting and the meeting with Darban. I also liked that the ~big conversation~ is now in english and has more build up. It gives it a lot more emotional impact.

Nicky Silber

As someone who hadn't read the original, this came as a SURPRISE. hahaha. i swear to God, my heart was just /pounding/ in my chest and I was going "oh shit, oh shit, oh shit". I thought for sure they were going to spend at least a couple of awkward days pretending to not be a couple, but then no. Of course not, Keyd. You had to go be all mercurial about it and just COME OUT IN FRONT OF YOUR ENTIRE PEOPLE. Oh geez. He's gonna be hung, drawn and quartered. This is NOT gonna go well. I can't believe I have to wait like two months for the next chapter. I'm gonna die. I'm just... dead. Died. Done.

Nicky Silber

Also, I shouldn't have been reading this at work cause I just had my hand over my mouth for like five minutes while I was reading the last part of he chapter and ppl prob thought I was reading about a death in the family. I can't wait for the commentary version so I know what Darban was talking about! Also, I bet Darban's gonna b the first person to come up to Keyd and be like "Finally! Someone I can tell I'm gay!"

A. Mori

I love this rewritten version of the chapter! I can't 100% remember how the original went, but this definitely feels a lot more polished and seems to flow better. Plus it really gets across how Alan's feeling out of place and intimidated by suddenly being dropped in an unfamiliar culture. I particularly liked the moment when he thought he'd lost Keyd and Rysa in the crowd. The little mentions of things which will be brought up again and explained later, or which tie into Keyd's story, were also great. Darban and Kir's cameo was a pleasant surprise - I genuinely adore those two, and any mention of them always makes me smile. And of course, Keyd's speech at the end was pretty darn badass and it was very satisfying to see him stand up for himself like that. It was really interesting to learn about animals not being able to interact with the Presence as well. I hadn't actually thought about that before. Theoretically, could an animal just be going about its business and accidentally go through a rift, then? Would they realise they'd effectively just teleported? I'm suddenly imagining random, baffled wildlife popping out of nowhere all over the place and causing chaos. xD

Alex

This is so great! For all that I haven't read the original version in a long time, this feels so much smoother and more polished! I love it. Reading these rewrites are awesome. I continue to love reading Alan as a narrator. The line early on in the chapter about "doing whatever alien soldiers did" made me laugh. Also, meeting all these characters over again is really exciting! The big reveal/end of this chapter was so great and well done, too. It had me on the edge of my seat! I think it was so well written and so intense. Thank you for posting this! A great read (:

Teromain

I'm glad you enjoyed it! Now that i've already written the whole story once, it makes it a lot easier to make these earlier parts smoother and build into the later parts better (like Kir and Darban showing up this early, I had no idea how big of characters they'd really be eventually so they didn't get much groundwork laid for them. The same thing will happen with other characters who are around a lot later). And I'm finally pretty happy with Alan's voice! By this point in the drafts I still hadn't really figured it out, didn't really have it down until the end of the 3rd book probably. That's definitely a highlight of these rewrites for me, even if an event isn't really changing, it now just sounds a lot more like it should through Alan experiencing it. I'm glad the last scene was effective, it's obviously pretty important and I don't think it was quite as impactful in the drafts since it was less clear what was really going on, and this time around Rysa doesn't already know.

Teromain

I'm glad you did! There's definitely a lot more detail and attention going into the rewrtites - I don't think Alan was actually very phased at all in the drafts by being in an alien camp, but the last scene of this chapter also happened before he really walked through it at all, so he had no initial experience that wasn't already influenced by what Keyd did. This time he gets to react and people get to react to him as just an outsider, even before Keyd does his thing. And there was definitely no mention of exactly what Keyd and Rysa had been doing/where they'd been before disappearing in the drafts-it was somethng I knew as a background but it was never even hinted at. Now at least theres a mention and does tie into Keyd's story much more cleanly! Kir and Darban will be in this book more than they were in the drafts (Darban a little more). Originally I had no idea how big of a role they'd really play, so while Darban did get intro'd kind of early, he wasn't very impactful for a while and Kir showed up much later and not that much. Other characters from later on will be around too - at least named dropped if nothing else! That way not everyone just shows up all at once in Skiagraphia with no warning, haha. Yeah, theoretically that could happen! That's one of many reasons why the oenclar keep their permanently open rifts inside of tents, so that both people and animals can't just blunder into them. For soldiers it wouldn't be too bad because they could just turn around and come back, but accidentally shipping animals into a different world might not be the best idea (though it's probably happened). Or having their own accidentally wander through :)

Teromain

Glad you enjoyed it! Fleshing out the setting (and switching from Keyd and Rysa being out of place to Alan being out of place) was definitely something that was needed. There'll be a lot more focus on the camp this time around and Alan will see a lot more of it, and interact with more people in general. And yeah, that conversation being entirely in English, and having a bigger work up to it where Keyd slowly loses his cool, is probably a lot more effective overall :)

Teromain

Writing Keyd doing that is always fun. Maybe not the best thing for him to do right now for sure, but he definitely enjoys doing this kind of thing in the moment (and then sometimes all the regrets later on)

Potatoe

Keyd: We have to make it look like we're not even friends because it might cause trouble. Also Keyd: Makes out with Alan in front of a large crowd within half an hour of arriving.

Teromain

Haha yeah Keyd is kind of a wildcard when it comes to doing things normally or expected! A lot of things in this series are kind of about flipping things around like this and trying to have little twists on them, so the hiding/secret relationship thing got totally bypassed because Keyd was just Done. (there was a little of it around Rysa before this, but secret's totally out now!) And yeah, it'll probably be two months before the next chapter, since something else will be posted next month (although since this chapter was also cut down, the bonus material will be a sneak peak into the next one!)

Teromain

Alan is getting the worst mixed messages right now haha

A. Mori

I wish more writers put as much thought and effort into their work as you do! It makes so much sense to go back and tweak things so they work better once you've got the whole story figured out, but it seems like not a lot of people do it. It's been really fascinating so far to get to compare the old and new versions of chapters for this series, and hear you talk about why you made certain changes. And it sounds like there will be lots more interesting changes or additions coming up in the rewrites, so I very much look forward to seeing how things will play out in future chapters. :) Haha, thinking about animals and rifts is going to amuse me endlessly now. There's so much comedic potential there! :D

Teromain

Some people probably do go back and change things once they hit the end of their story, but their drafts probably weren't public in the first place :) Everyone is just seeing pretty much every step of the process for this story, as it's going from mess to something much more polished and paced. When I started it I really had no idea what I was doing - it wasn't even supposed to be a series, or have this much world building or this many spin-off stories! So it's pretty much unavoidable to go back and fix it, just so it can hold itself up. It probably is interesting to see these changes from an outside view too. Certain major beats are always going to be the ssame, but tons of things around them will change, either small details or big things. :) Lol yeah even though the oenclar are protecting their end of open rifts, there's not much that's keeping the other side guarded! Obviously if anything stumbles through there's people right there to try to stop it and send it back through (which might mean running after a rogue animal like a squirrel or something), although this is definitely one of the resons they don't like having the permanent rifts open - too much potential collateral risk. Only when they know they're going to be passing back and forth a lot do they have one open. :)