Michelle's Journal (6/27/26) (Patreon)

Dear Journal:

I received a call from Dr. Chen tonight.  I skipped therapy this week, and he wanted to make sure I was OK.  He didn’t mention my losing my scholarship, but I could tell he knew.  Considering he called me right after his session with Jessie, it didn’t take a detective to figure out who spilled the beans.

“She’s just worried about you,” Dr. Chen said in her defense.  “And so am I.” 

His voice was even softer and smoother than it was in person.  Like I was a piece of glass that would crack if his tone got too sharp.

“I’m fine,” I said flatly. 

“I don’t believe that for a second, Michelle.  I’m your therapist, remember?  There’s no need to put up a front with me.”

“Fine.  I haven’t left my room in days, and I’m fatter than ever. Happy?” 

Dr. Chen exhaled slowly.  It wasn’t quite a sigh, but it was close.  “Michelle, you are being way too hard on yourself.  I thought I told you to quit looking at the scale.”

“I haven’t been.  I just know it.  Even my sweats are tight.”

“This is going to sound weird, Michelle, but admitting all this—the isolation, the weight-gain, the depression, the frustration, everything—is a positive step.  It’s not weakness, it’s strength. You need to permit yourself to not be perfect.”

What my sister said yesterday suddenly popped into my head.  “Fuck ‘em,” I whispered.    

“Excuse me?”

“Sorry.  Jessie says I worry way too much about what other people think.”    

“Well,” Dr. Chen said with a wry chuckle, “I wouldn’t exactly put that on a T-shirt, but she isn’t wrong.  This is supposed to be your summer vacation, after all.  You should enjoy yourself.  Don’t you have a cruise coming up?”

“Yes,” I said, swallowing hard.  “I’ve been trying not to think about it.”

“Why?”

“Whenever I do, I picture myself in a bathing suit.” 

“Jessie, the only weight you need to worry about shedding before your trip is the weight of expectations.”

Suddenly, something clicked.  I was making myself miserable trying to squeeze into a box I no longer fit.  And it wasn’t because I wanted to get back in the box, but because it’s where everyone expected me to be.  No amount of dieting was ever going to make the box comfortable for me again, so what was the point?    

That’s when I decided that the rest of the summer was going to be about enjoying myself on my terms. 

--Michelle