The Birthday Dream (Patreon)

(Putting the sketches instead of finals here - tho finals are all on Twitter - because this one is a frustration post, to acknowledge what happened to me. Because otherwise I will internalize things and declare it’s 100% my fault, and assume I’m just lying to cover up laziness. I need to force myself to put the horrors into words, despite the discomfort. I am motivated to be accommodating and unobtrusive, to put no limit on the pain I’ll endure to make other so comfortable they feel free to take me for granted. Being a constant bummer is a TERRIBLE move, but somehow by FAR the healthier of my options. Sorry. I will repost a less-sad version of this, with proper features and color instead of tear stains, when I can do it right.)

The previous post I made here informed you of me likely hitting a new low in #ChrispyLuck, mixing hope I could emerge and make art after the darkness with a grim warning about how the timing of events set me up for a loooooong stretch of misery.

Turns out I was too optimistic. A month after I learned a doc using the wrong equipment caused me unquantifiable misery, another doc betrayal managed to top it! The first involved a doc who was at least acting in good faith, but hadn’t known me long enough to know I don’t exaggerate. It really IS that bad! The new incident was a doc who did not operate in good faith. This was the third major incident I’ve had with him, and it’s a poison that keeps on poisoning, cuz the competent docs only see me when I’m in horrible shape and begging for extra help, ruining perceptions of me! And it’s not like I can go find a new office. It takes 4-6 months before docs start accepting my condition is what I say it is - and none ever accept that I underreport problems, because I wouldn’t be believed!

I had a plan. I wanted to do something for my birthday. The premise was “I want gift art of the OCs I’ve been playing with to keep me sane in this era where thinking about what I lost with Precocious makes me cry!” It wasn’t about GETTING any art - I’m not delusional - but about FINALLY getting Momentum character designs in a place where I felt confident enough in my handling of them to present the pictures as REFERENCE. There’s a reason I’ve done almost no finished work in the last 3 years! I’m too shaky, the designs are too uncertain, and the effort/concentration needed to do anything beyond the forgivable, “I see where he wanted to go,” wobble of a sketch has an immense physical cost. To make a reference post required not only passable artwork, but the ability to plan and compose character notes! (Here’s where I remind you that when I do post, it comes out long and rambling because I’m essentially tilting my head over the keyboard, cracking it open, and letting the thoughts that’ve been churning in there pour out. It’s autopiloting.)

I set the deadline for posting the pics here as my birthday. My birthday was yesterday. And it was already pushed back from the “give that one person who might try a week to make a sketch” buffer approach, cuz, well, everything was going wrong.

I know it should mean something that I at least got five new colored pencil characters done, despite all that went wrong… but I had a real chance to get a simple post up on time, and my body gave out on me. Having the art and being unable to compose is… well, that’s where I’ve lost since my ‘18 collapse. It’s why the Precocious site isn’t cleaned up. I’m too sick to do the basic things that would allow me to vital upkeep and communication. Any focus - required for composing finals and proper updates - ends in a massive migraine that lasts for day, and will double in strength if I cause a second flare before the first is gone. Impulsive art and impulsive tweeting solves no big issues, but those issues are unsolvable right now, so I’ll suffer for a drawing instead of suffering for a bigger task and end with nothing accomplished.