New Song: "The Battle of Portland" (Patreon)

Well, so far, the country's intact. Kinda. But it sure sounds as if Felon47 intends to declare war upon it, one city at a time. Here's a report from one of the early skirmishes, to take place very soon now.

In twenty-twenty-five we started headin’ westFrom Teaneck, New Jersey ‘cause the President was stressed.We grabbed some hard lemonade and pretzels at the store,Then headed down I-80 then north on 84.

We drove across the American heartland,Wasn't quite as empty as we thought that it would be.The president has declared war on Portland,We’ll shoot up every Birkenstock and Starbucks that we see.

Ol’Cheeto said the city was ravaged by war,But comin’ in we didn't even see a messy store,The parks were full o’ kids and a lot o’ pretty green,But the boss said it was fake news how everything's serene.

We grabbed our guns and tried to look stalwart,We looked out o’ place wearing camouflage clothes.Got attacked by some seniors at the Walmart,Chased us past the fast food, down to Trader Joe’s.

We surrounded a coffee shop that had a bakery,|We bet they had some terrorists we couldn't even see.Pete Hegseth said we could take ‘em by surprise If we didn't start a-shootin’ till their bread began to rise.

We fired our guns and the bread blocked the bullets,Hardest damn crust a human ever tried to eat.They opened their chicken coop, commenced to throwing pullets,Chased us up 34th to Madison Street.

Well, we ran to 37th and we ran to Belmont,Down Chavez Boulevard where MAGA wouldn't go.Ran so fast that the hippies couldn't catch us,Past the Hairodactyl to the yoga studio.

We never did find no domestic terrorist,But I understand the president has got a little list.He’s lookin’ at Chicago, New York, and Memphis, too,Dollywood, Cheboygan, and the Cincinnati Zoo.

Well, we’ aint tracked down Antifa in the bushes,And we can't find any rioting mobs.But ICE is in town, so they should watch their tushes,And avoid court hearings, church, shopping, and their jobs.

Well, we ran through the Constitution, Cheetolini burned it,Ran through injunctions where the judges told us no.If there's a Nuremberg trial, we’ll have earned it,I think I’ll quit the Army, start a yoga studio.

(Music: "The Battle of New Orleans" by Jimmy Driftwood)