New Song: "Ominous Folk Ballads" (Patreon)

I wrote this last year, when a meme came around -- a huge list of omens we had to worry about for the month of May. I crammed as many as I could into this song. So, we're ready for THIS May.

‘Tis a beautiful, wonderful day,In the glorious month of May,But though things are fair, stillYou’ve got to be careful,Things likely aren't going your way.

For this is a folk song, y’see,And in May that's the worst place to be.For, statistically speaking,The havoc it's wreaking Means you could be a casualty.

Ohhhhhh...

Welcome to May, all the flowers have bloomed,But if you're in a folk song you’re probably doomed.There's a few simple rules, stuff that you shouldn't do,Or the next victim of the folk ballad curse Just might be you.

Don't fall in love, if she hurts you forgive her,Don’t go out to sea or go down by the river.Don't gamble, don't ramble, don't talk to a sailor,Don’t steal a man’s top hat or insult a jailer.

Don't travel North, or northwest, or southeast,Don't stand in the wind, put your hood up at least,Don't dance with a maiden named Sally or SueOr Mary or Barbara, or it's curtains for you.

Don’t go to the pub, if you do get no drink,If you do, don't let someone else pay with a wink.If you do, then toast all those of whom you can think,If you miss just one name, you're right there at the brink --

Welcome to May, see the clouds rolling by,But if you're in a folk song you’re so bound t’ die.Here’s what to avoid, here's what not to do,Or the next victim of the folk ballad curse Just might be you.

Don’t lend or borrow money, and don't wish for more,And don’t start a new job with a new employer.Seek shelter if you find a big cloud of bats,Or dust, smoke, or thunder, or locusts or rats.

If a stranger comes up, looks right you in the eye,And says, “Ahh, me bucko, at my hand you will die”,Believe them, and high-tail yourself out of town, It's harder to kill you if you're not around.

Likewise, heed the words of the wandering seersWho say soon you’ll move on past this vale of tears.Don't go hunting, or courting, or wassailing, or ride,Those are quick ways to join with all those who have died.

Welcome to May, have a drink and a smoke,But if you're in a folk song you’ll likely soon croak.The Fae are all offering wine, bread, and stew,So don't let that stupid folk ballad curse Make off with you.

Be wary of minstrels with rebecs or flutesOr fiddles or Jews harps or bodhrans or lutes.Or jugglers or peddlers or little grey men,Fools in motley, or the Devil, trying for your soul again.

Beware anyone who wants part of your lunch,And a crone with one eye, specially one with a hunch.Cats wearing clothes and birds who can speak,It's your obituary that'll come out their beak.

Men in black coats may invite you to dance,Mysterious strangers may offer you plants,Don't look at them, touch them, inhale them, or taste,‘Cause what happens next will be oh! Such a waste.

Don't marry your daughter off to her first swain,And if your wife hankers for strange herbs, refrain.All this advice may set your head to burst...But at least there's a chance you might get to June First.

Welcome to May, might as well be a monk,But if you're in a folk song you’re probably sunk.So watch out for omens, ‘cause there ain’t no tellin’If you’re stuck in Red-Haired Mary...or Barbara Allen.