New Song: "Mordor Bed and Breakfast" (Patreon)

I wrote this a couple of years ago, and have been having way too much trouble tweaking a MIDI of "Hotel California" to get it out the door. I finally decided to just create my own track in Band In A Box. Took an hour.

An HOUR.

Which is why I use Band In A Box.

On a dark desert highwayHot ash in my hairWarm smell of volcanoes,We could chew on the air.Up ahead in the distanceI saw a shimmer of heatMy head grew heavy and the sights were grim,Burned the hair off my feet

There’s She-Lob in the doorway,Webs and chittering fangs,And I was thinking to myselfThat I’d actually prefer orc gangsThen she bit mister Frodo,And she dragged him awayThere were goblins out of Barar Dur,I thought I heard them say:

Welcome to the Mordor Bed and BreakfastSuch a lovely place, drop him on his facePlenty of room at the Mordor Bed and Breakfast,Any time of year, they’ve prepared a bier.

Their menu’s nifty and twisted,They’ve got the best hobbit hashAnd their bangers-and-mash plateIs really banged up and mashedHeld a rave in the courtyard,Foul orcish airSome drink for a reasonMost drink ‘cause it’s there

So I snuck past the watchmen,All passed out from wine,They won’t have a proper 1420 till1969.And Smeagol’s voice is callin’ fromFar awayPiece of crap led us right into a trap,I thought I heard him say

Welcome to the Mordor Bed and Breakfast,Such a lovely place, such a blasted wasteDyin’ alone at the Mordor Bed and Breakfast,From the Uruk-hai, under Sauron’s eye

Mirror of GaladrielCoulda warned of this jail,We were both just prisoners there,It was time to bail,We got inside Orodruin,Frodo put on the ring,But then Gollum bit his finger offAnd brought down the whole damn thing.

Last thing I remember,I was floating on a rockThinking ‘bout the girl back homeAs me and Frodo ran out the clock.“Just relax,” said a nice man,It was Gandalf on giant birds.And now I’d sing to you the final chorus --But I don’t know the words.

(Music: "Hotel California" by Don Felder, Don Henley, & Glenn Frey)