Cover Song: "Super Skier's Last Race" (Patreon)

Those who knew Marty Burke know he sang both of these Bob Gibson songs together. I just had to do the same. I was guided by Marty's arrangement -- honestly, there's a last verse and chorus that are not only unnecessary, but not very funny. The rest, though? Whoa-ho-ho-ho!

The starter said“Is everybody ready for the race”Our super skier shouted "YEAH!"And kick-turned into placeThen he boldly waved to all his friends,A smirk upon his face,But he ain’t gonna ski no more

He yawned at his opponents,Said the race was good as won.Said he'd run the course blind foldedJust to add a little fun.So with bandaged eyes he slalomed downTill his bindings came undone,And he ain’t gonna ski no more.

Gory, gory, what a helluva way to die.Gory, gory, who’s that birdbrain trying to fly?Gory, gory, it’s enough to make you cryAnd he ain’t gonna ski no more.

He felt the wind, he felt the coldHe felt the sudden dropHe tried to stem, he tried to checkAnd then he tried to stopHis fatal error dawned on himHe should have stayed up topAnd he ain’t gonna ski no more.

He hit each pole that set the courseAnd twelve spectators tooAnd zoomed across the finishWearing garlands of bambooTwo were killed and four were hurtAnd six were black and blueAnd he ain’t gonna ski no more.

Gory, gory, what a helluva way to dieGory, gory, who's that nitwit in the sky?Gory, gory, it’s enough to make you cryWell he ain’t gonna ski no more

There was blood upon his bindingsThere were brains upon his suitIntestines were a-hangin’ from each treetop to the rootWe scraped him up from off the snowAnd poured him from his bootAnd he ain’t gonna ski no more.

We got him to the hospital,They patched him up real great.Although he lost both arms and legs,A sad and lonely fateBut now he works for Sweeney's Pub,Hired as a paperweight --And he ain’t gonna ski no more

Gory, gory, what a helluva way to die.Gory, gory, it's enough to make you cry.Gory, gory, let us raise our glasses high...'Cause he ain’t gonna ski no more.

Words: Bob Gibson, Jack Holzman and Mark Abramson,after "Battle Hymn of the Republic" by Julia Ward Howe

Music: "John Brown's Body", American Trad.