Crackpots #31: My Peace Process (Patreon)

I love this picture of Elon Musk in Auschwitz:

I guess this was last year, though it feels much older. Musk was in trouble for agreeing with some anti-Jewish thing on Twitter. He said "YOU HAVE SAID THE ACTUAL TRUTH". BIG MISTAKE! He should've stuck with just being REGULAR racist. They paired his crackhead ass with BEN SHAPIRO* and sent the pair to Auschwitz. I can only dream of such power! ORDERING ELON MUSK TO AUSCHWITZ! Musk had just been to Israel, where he stared dumbly into an empty crib at a kibbutz. I guess it didn’t stick. They should've put a baby in there, maybe let him do a bris.

Ben Shapiro’s so lucky for getting to go with Elon. He's a Tzadik, I guess. That's my dream job---a righteous man who bridges God to this world. Like Rabbi Schneerson or the Reverend Al Sharpton, whom I met in New Jersey, I want to be one of those guys you gotta make an appearance alongside or give cash to when you're racist and need to rescue your career. Imagine if, after he got into trouble for all his nasty comments, Mel Gibson had to let me drive his car or have group sex with him (Ah, maybe not...no part of me has ever wanted to have group sex. Can you imagine! Just going at it and looking up and locking eyes with someone else, perhaps even a friend...do you nod like when you're younger and you see another guy with a Black Flag shirt walking down the street? No thanks!).

When I was younger I had the idea that I'd get together with, say, a Jamaican and a Pakistani and sell licenses to listen to Skrewdriver, the famous British Nazi band. Seeing as we three were representative of the majority of the bands racial hate, we could grant dispensation to those who wished to enjoy the music guilt free. It was a joke, of course. What a stupid idea. But then I see a Saira Rao and wonder. Perhaps this is a Catholic impulse I have---I'll score my back with a whip and see if Mary appears!!!

I read in the Free Press that college students are all antisemitic now. Perhaps they should re-open the concentration camps and send everybody from the Ivy Leagues there. You can't ever be too sure. We can staff the flights with Manhattan Institute employees. Deborah Lipstadt can greet them with a barking dog.

The phenomenon of apology tours, of sensitivity trainings, of making statements next to leaders of whatever racial group you've offended after you make a big donation, that whole song and dance about listening and learning---is it over? Is it just in remission? Certainly the WORM HAS TURNED. They've eliminated DEI and the media civil wars are pretty much over. The only taboo now is that one can't be anti-Israel, let alone anti-Jewish. It's the only form of prejudice that is out of favor with the current regime; if things continue apace (and if I were signifigantly craftier) I could probably spend my 40s comfortably charging people for sensitivity sessions...I could stand with my arms folded while they apologized in front of podiums...we could do group work at Dachau...

I figured I was going to write about the recent spate of racial Gofundmes out there— the Karmelo Anthony heart stabbing legal defense fund, to the white retort that came in the form of the Shiloh Hendrix racial slur defense fund---but what I wrote was mostly lousy. Daniel Penny. Money raised. People saying insane shit. You get the point. The fact is, there's a spate of race war Gofundmes (they’re actually all on Givesendgo, a copycat site, but whatever). It's a bull market. I had all these paragraphs, but I deleted them. They made me sad to write and read.

But I have to mention it a little bit, because I have actually been enjoying the latest race war Gofundme: A moron in Philadelphia named Mo Khan is being ANNIHILATED by Barstool Sport's CEO Dave Portnoy for his involvement with an incident with a sign that said FUCK THE JEWS at the Barstool bar in Philadelphia. "Barstool Bar" is a real tough name to type out. I have no idea why they let you have little signs in there. I guess the wait staff make them at customers request; in any case Portnoy fired a couple of waitresses. It must feel amazing to be fired by Dave Portnoy. Come to think of it, if Portnoy he wants Mo Khan to have empathy for the Jews, he should let Mo be the CEO of Barstool Sports and fire 20-30 people on camera.

Dave Portnoy is an anti-cancel culture guy, whatever that means. He wore a sweatshirt that had the words CANCEL CULTURE crossed out, at least. Anyways now he's cancelling this guy Mo Khan. I think maybe they're both not so great of guys. But what do I know. I don't want to cancel anybody. Everybody has their ups and downs. I was excited because Portnoy at first said he was gonna send Mo Khan to AUSCHWITZ. Wow, I thought, the old joint is really getting hopping again---this time as a force for good! But the very next day he went back on the promised trip for some reason I couldn't follow. Mo Khan is no longer being shipped to Poland; instead he went on Stew Peters podcast and had his OnlyFans pimp DMs leaked. Like Anthony, Hendrix, etcetera, he has refused apology and put up a fundraiser. There's actually several fundraisers; hopefully some of them are scams.

But none of this means anything. I tried to make it mean something when I was writing earlier. I failed. The reality is people are all crazy and fucked up in a million different ways. Yeah, ok, there’s material reasons for that—but so what if I successfully identify them? This isn't the New Left Review. Every new stupid thing (half of which are old stupid things just redone) spikes and peaks and then diffuses, to form the foundation for the next thing, which peaks and spikes and diffuses...an entire society built upon centuries of SHIT.

I would send both Dave Portnoy and Mo Khan to Auschwitz. I would load them up with every Tzadik I can find---from Ben Shapiro to Saira Rao to, why not, Brace Belden. We'd grab Shiloh Hendrix on the way, plus Daniel Penny, and Karmelo Anthony, and everybody who donated to all these Gofundmes. We'd all go to Auschwitz and fill 'er up. We'll turn it into a place of learning and JOY. We could have PragerU and that bankrupt Ibrahim Kendi racism institute. We'd make everybody anti-woke but anti-racist at the same time, we'd turn them all into human Groks, everybody can be Chris Rufo and Deray, tikkun olam and the anti-racist baby...

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So as not to completely waste your time, I have just one book to recommend: THE EMPEROR: DOWNFALL OF AN AUTOCRAT by Ryszard Kapuściński. It's about the fall of Haile Selassie, and has incredible descriptions of his strange and decadent rule by former members of the court and staff. I particularly loved this description:

The custom of relating things by word of mouth had this advantage: if need be, the Emperor could say that a given dignitary had told him something quite different from what had really been said, and the latter could not defend himself, having no written proof. Thus the Emperor heard from his subordinates not what they told him, but what he thought should be said. His Venerable Highness had his ideas, and he would adjust to them all the signals that came from his surroundings. It was the same with writing, for our monarch not only never used his ability to read, but he also never wrote anything and never signed anything in his own hand. Though he ruled for half a century, not even those closest to him knew what his signature looked like.

During the Emperor’s hours of official functions, the Minister of the Pen always stood at hand and took down all the Emperor’s orders and instructions. Let me say that during working audiences His Majesty spoke very softly, barely moving his lips. The Minister of the Pen, standing half a step from the throne, had to bend his ear close to the Imperial lips in order to hear and write down the Imperial decisions. Furthermore, the Emperor’s words were usually unclear and ambiguous, especially when he did not want to take a definite stand on a matter that required his opinion. One had to admire the Emperor’s dexterity. When asked by a dignitary for the Imperial decision, he would not answer straight out, but would rather speak in a voice so quiet that it reached only the Minister of the Pen, who moved his ear as close as a microphone. The minister transcribed his ruler’s scant and foggy mutterings. All the rest was interpretation, and that was a matter for the minister, who passed down the decision in writing.

What a life! Great book and you'll enjoy it.

Beyond that I have nothing. I'd like to ride Randy Fine around like an elephant; it would be fun to lose a vape in his asshole. I have been working on something truly outrageous and disgusting for the show but you'll have to suck that Balut out the egg once I lay it.

LOVE, BRACE

*This led to one of my favorite quotes from Elon Musk: “And, you know, there’s this old joke ‘I’ve got like this one Jewish friend.’ No, I have like two-thirds of my friends are Jewish. I have twice as many Jewish friends as non-Jewish friends. I’m like Jewish by association, I’m aspirationally Jewish.” What?