Twas the Night Before Archonmas (Patreon)

WARNING: THIS CHRISTMAS GIFT MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS. OR I’LL CHANGE EVERYTHING, AND IT WAS A LIE. WHO KNOWS. 

Humming to herself, Furina took out the wrapped ornament and hung it up on the tree. It was a macaroni and popsicle stick frame, with a hand-drawn picture of Diane, Furina, and Yennifer in the center that she had made in her first year school. 

“Ugh, maman, why do you have to hang that up, it’s ugly! I could make something much better now,” Diane complained from where she was taking out several more ornaments they’d purchased at the store. 

“Because it’s cute, and reminds me of you when you were little,” Furina laughed, ruffling her daughter’s hair. 

“Are you making an ornament this year?” Yennifer asked, taking out another box of ornaments. With the tree there, the old flat was terribly cramped, and Furina briefly thought about moving out again. Charlotte and Diane complained constantly about having to share a room, and Diane was getting older and bigger with each day. Still, Furina was terribly fond of the apartment, and while she had plenty of money these days, she had little desire to move into a mansion or larger space. 

Diane made a face. “We’re supposed to make a Père Noël ornament, but it’s stupid.”

“Oh? Why? I think it will look lovely,” Furina said absently, reaching up to put a hydro bauble on the tree. 

“Duh, because he’s not real.”

Furina very nearly dropped the ornament and made a mess, and had to scramble to keep from knocking the tree over. She spun about, eyes wide as she regarded her daughter, who was looking at her hopefully, ears pricked up, tail swaying back and forth.

“W-why would you say that Father Christmas isn’t real?” Furina said with a nervous laugh. 

“Charlotte told me last year,” Diane sniffled, and wiped away a tear surreptitiously. 

Yennifer muttered something choice in German about skinning her sister, and Furina hastily hugged Diane. “Don’t worry. Santa Claus is real, Diane. Didn’t he bring you lots of presents last year?”

“Yeah, but, Charlotte says those were all from you,” Diane sniffled. “A-and some of the kids in my class called me a baby when I said I still believed in Père Noël…”

“Well, you tell them that your mother said he is real, and I should know,” Furina huffed. 

“You mean it!?” Diane gasped happily, her tail twitching in excitement, eyes sparkling. 

“Of course! I am, after all, the Hydro Archon,” Furina said, and gave her very best stage laugh. “Why, I’ve personally met Santa Claus!”“Can we visit his workshop!? I promise to be good!” Diane begged, jumping upon the back of the couch and grinning like a maniac. 

“Well, why don’t you write him a letter, and if you’ve been very good, perhaps we can,” Furina said.

“OK!” Diane agreed and bounced off to her shared room to begin furiously drafting a letter. 

Furina nodded to herself, hands on hips, glad she’d brought a smile to her daughter’s face. 

“Dear,” Yennifer said, coming up and hugging her from behind. 

“Mmm?” Furina sighed, turning her head to brush Yennifer’s lips.

“Our daughter is old enough that you can tell her Der Weihnachtsmann isn’t real.”

“What, no!” Furina gasped, spinning about in Yennifer’s arms. “She’s still so young! I, I can’t just- she needs to still believe in the magic of Christmas!” 

“You’re just upset that you found out that Santa wasn’t real on your first Christmas here,” Yennifer teased.

Furina did her best not to pout. “How was I supposed to know that? You kept telling Diane that he was!” 

“Because she was essentially five years old, Furina. She’s old enough now that most kids her age don’t believe in Santa anymore,” Yennifer pointed out. “And you’re from Teyvat. They don’t even have Christmas there.”

“Well, it’s a wonderful holiday, and I like it,” Furina sniffed. “And Santa should be real.”

“Fine, but you get to explain to Charlotte why you lied to her niece slash sister. She’ll roast you over the coals for this,” Yennifer said, giving Furina a peck before going back to work on the presents. 

Oh dear. Gotten yourself rather into a pickle, haven’t you, my dear?

No I haven’t, Furina told her mother as she went back to decorating the tree. I just, I can’t tell Diane Santa isn’t real yet! She’s my baby!

From what I understand of children, she will always be your baby, even when she is a woman grown. Do you intend to wait until she has children of her own to tell her Father Christmas is but a fable conjured up by mortal parents? 

Furina stopped, and looked up from the packaging. “There’s an awful lot of Faith and Belief in Father Christmas all over this world, isn’t there?”

“Hmm?” Yennifer looked up. “Oh, well yes. As I said, we have Der Weihnachtsmann in Germany, to Père Noël here in France.”

“Nahida mentioned leaving out treats for Baba Noel in Iraq, and Keiga talks about Santa bringing gifts for Bailu,” Furina said, beginning to pace back and forth, rubbing her temple in thought. 

“Well, yes. He’s a fairy tale, but he’s a very popular one,” Yennifer agreed. 

Furina pulled out her phone, and hastily made a phone call. 

“Danish Embassy, Paris.”

“Um, hello, yes, I’d like to make an appointment with the Danish Ambassador, as soon as possible.”

“Right. And may I ask who this is?”

“Furina de Fontaine.”

“Ha ha.” Then they hung up.

“Oooo,” Furina stomped her foot in frustration. “No one ever believes me when I call anymore!” 

“Yes, hello, this is god calling. I’d like to order an extra-large vegetarian pizza. No, this isn’t a prank,” Yennifer said brightly. 

“Ugh,” Furina rolled her eyes and grabbed her jacket. “I’m going out.”

“And why do you need an appointment with the Danish ambassador?” Yennifer called. “And should I come?”

“No, it’s a surprise!” Furina said, using her phone to reserve a cab. She could have a car and driver, but that was really too much bother. 

An hour later, Furina had a very productive meeting with the highly embarrassed Danish ambassador, who apologized profusely.

“Again, Lord Focalors, I’m so sorry our staff treated you so.”

“It’s not a problem, sir, and really, it’s just Furina right now,” she said, clasping his hands and smiling. 

“I just…why do you want permission to use the northern half of Greenland? There’s nothing there,” the ambassador said.

“A Christmas surprise,” Furina told him with a wink and a smile. “Don’t worry, it’s nothing nefarious.”

“From you, I wouldn’t dream of it. Is it a defense against the Tsaritsa’s incursions, or the Abyss?” the man asked worriedly. 

“Oh, no, but, um…er…I might…invite the Tsaritsa there. Don’t worry, I’ll be there too! Um, and…and maybe all seven of us?” Furina admitted. 

The ambassador blinked rapidly. “All…seven? You mean…?”

“Um, yes! But don’t worry, it’s fine! You’ll see! Um, it’s a Christmas surprise!” 

“Ah. Well, I…I do hope it’s nothing too dire,” the ambassador said with a nervous chuckle.

“Don’t worry, I’ll make sure you end up on the nice list,” Furina assured him.

After that, Furina made another phone call. This time, she called her agent, who would make the arrangements for her. After that, she started rallying the troops and dialed a German number.

“Fröhliche Weihnachten!” Naomi’s voice said. “How are you, Furina?”

“I’m well, just setting up the tree for Christmas. How about you, Naomi? I was going to ask if you celebrated Christmas, but I guess that answers my question,” Furina said, smiling at Yennifer, who was looking at her in curiosity. 

“Of course! I’ve always celebrated Christmas! My parents were quite secular growing up. Most Jews I know are happy to celebrate Hanukkah and Christmas both. Why?”

“Well, I’m planning a Christmas party,” Furina explained. “And I want to invite Venti.”

“Oh, he’ll love that. Where and when?” Naomi asked.

“Well, tell him this is a matter of supreme importance, and I’m inviting all seven of us. We’ll meet in Switzerland, exact location to be determined. Tell him to bring his best Tinkers and Artifacers. This will be an extremely complicated project, but one of vital importance. Keep it secret, too! As much as possible!”

“Oh! Um, VENTI! GET OVER HERE! IT’S FOCALORS, AND IT’S REALLY IMPORTANT AND URGENT!” 

The phone was passed off, and Lord Barbatos said, “Focalors? What’s the matter? Is it time?”

“No, no, nothing like that!” Furina said, waving her hands as she walked out of the Danish embassy. “I just…Diane asked if Father Christmas was real.”

There was silence, then a chuckle. “Oh, I think I know where this is going, but do go on, Furina.”

His tone made Furina relax, and she dropped her voice as she reassumed her disguise of a plain-looking woman and stepped out into the street. “Well, um, I told her that Santa Claus was real. She’s so young, still!” 

“Uh-huh, who wouldn’t? Kids love Santa!” 

“Yes, well, I sort of gave my word…”

“And, as the God of Justice, how could you ever lie? Not to mention disappoint precious little Diane come Christmas Day!” 

“Yes, well, it’s only ten days away, and um…well…anyway, I’ll explain everything in Switzerland.”

“You’ve got it! That’s short notice, but for such a task I will, of course, be there! Are you inviting the others?”

“Um, yes. Even Bronya…”

“Well, I hope she isn’t grumpy getting up from her nap!”

“I’ll allow it for this. Besides, we’ll need Cryo, it’s so associated with Christmas!” 

“Hehe, this is going to be quite the party! I’m looking forward to it, Furina.”

The other Archons all eagerly agreed, though the hardest wasn’t the Tsaritsa.

It was that technophobic old fossil. 

“Ah, yes, Lord Focalors, I seem to have gotten this device functioning,” Zhongli said, smiling in a grandfatherly fashion through the WhatsApp video call. 

“No, you didn’t!” a very irritated-sounding Keqing said. “I’m the one who finally got this video call working, because you tried to take a video call with a rotary phone!” 

“Why, this phone is quite new, the salesman assured me. It was manufactured less than fifty years ago. I simply said I wanted an analog phone. The new digital ones are quite marvelous, but I would like to understand the first principles before I adopt the more recent innovations.”

 “JUST HAVE CLOUD RETAINER MAKE YOU ONE! That bird brain could design you some sort of adaptal video phone!” Keqing stuck her head in and smiled at Furina. “Hello! Sorry, getting Emperor Gramps here to use anything made before the Ming Dynasty is a complete pain in my ass.”

“I have adopted many recent mortal innovations,” Zhongli said, sounding mildly offended. “Why, back in Teyvat, Director Hu Tao had given me a kamera, and I was becoming quite adept in its usage.”

“THAT THING STILL USED SILVER NITRATE! THAT’S NOT RECENT, IT’S A HUNDRED YEARS OLD!” the Chinese Chief Steward ranted. 

“Morax, stop trolling the mortals, you’re going to give poor Keqing an apoplexy,” Furina sighed. 

Zhongli smiled faintly as Keqing’s jaw dropped open. “Why, Lord Focalors, what gives you the impression that I would ever ‘troll’ my dear Chief Steward? I treat her and her new innovations with the utmost respect and decorum.”

“You, you…you’re doing this on purpose!?” Keqing gasped. 

Morax coughed. “Yes, well, what was your missive regarding, Lord Focalors?”

“I’m having a Christmas Party in Switzerland, and I need you there. It’s extremely important to me, and to Earth Bet. I’m asking you to come as a personal favor,” Furina pleaded. “Please? It’s for Diane. And all the children of Earth Bet!” 

“Ah. A grave matter indeed,” Morax said seriously. He paused, then turned to Keqing. “I am familiar with the concept of parties, but what is Christmas?”

“A religious holiday,” Keqing said, lip curling in disgust. “One coopted by the capitalist class to exploit the workers by deluding them with promises of gifts, but in reality only using their labor to further enrich themselves by dressing an orgy of capitalist greed in the rotting corpse of religion and ceremony.”

“Ah.” The Emperor considered this, then said, “It is a gift-giving festival associated with this Christ, the Christians follow, then? One primarily aimed at children?”

“HOW DO YOU GET ALL THAT BUT YOU CAN’T FIGURE OUT WHATSAPP!?” 

“The design of this mystic abacus is most confounding. I was not being entirely obtuse when I called you for assistance,” Zhongli said mildly. “We shall be there, of course.”

“Good! Bring Cloud Retainer! We need the world’s very best Tinkers for this!” Furina said.

“And when is this visit?” Keqing asked.

“Um…d-day after tomorrow,” Furina admitted. 

“WHAT!?” Keqing wailed. “DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HARD IT IS TO ARRANGE A STATE VISIT ON SUCH SHORT NOTICE?!”

“We shall be there, never fear. I look forward to learning of these traditions of your new homeland, Lord Focalors,” Zhongli said, then pressed his finger to the screen. Instantly, cat ears and whiskers appeared on his face, which made Furina snort with laughter. 

“Hmm, I appear to have used the wrong gesture, as you appear to have become a feline, much as your daughter, Lord Focalors,” the newly kittyfied Geo Archon said gravely. “Keqing, how does one end the transmission on this device?”

“Oh, just give me back my phone,” Keqing said, and scooped the device away from the emperor, giving herself kitty ears and whiskers. She hurried away from the imperial desk, then hissed, “What are you doing, Furina!? A state visit!? This is ridiculous! I thought you sought justice for the workers of the world, not to further enrich the capitalist class and delude the people with mere baubles and trinkets!” 

“Let’s just say that I intend to seize the means of Christmas production, and redistribute it to those most in need, while also depriving the capitalists of one of their greatest tools of debauchery,” Furina said, eyes sparkling. This was an angle she hadn’t fully considered, but now that she thought of it, was actually something she highly approved of. 

“I…you mean it? You’re going to destroy Christmas?” Keqing asked hopefully.

Furina groaned. “No, Keqing! We’re going to save it!”

“This is beginning to sound like one of your western propaganda films that trick the people into purchasing more unneeded knick-knacks to enrich their capitalist overlords.”

“Nothing could be further from the truth. Don’t you trust me?” 

Keqing sighed, which was very adorable with the kitty ears. “Fine. I suppose you have earned that much goodwill from the people and workers of China. I will see to it that Emperor Grandpa arrives on time. And that Comrade Cloud Retainer comes as well.”

With that, Keqing hung up, and Furina pumped her fist. She hurried back to her flat, where a grand argument was taking place. 

“Well, maman says he’s real, and she’s god, so there!” 

“Diane, you’re old enough to face the Truth! Santa isn’t real, he’s just a story!” 

“THAT’S WHAT YOU SAID ABOUT THE TOOTH FAIRY, AND THEN ARABALIKA CAME AND GAVE ME HENRI THE PLANT FOR MY TOOTH, SEE!” Diane showed a gap in her teeth, which just made Charlotte roll her eyes.

“Just because a fairy came and gave you a seed for your tooth doesn’t mean he tooth fairy is real, Diane!” 

Furina blushed. That had been another little surprise she’d arranged. Though from the stories the other parents in Diane’s class told, it was becoming a global phenomenon that if you left a tooth under your pillow, the Aranara would exchange it for a seed, which would grow into a wonderful house plant if properly watered. Nahida had admitted she’d tried to get the aranara to leave mora under the pillows, but the forest spirits hadn’t quite understood the mission.

This time, Furina would do better.

“Good news, everyone!” Furina said brightly, which paused the argument in progress. “We’re going on vacation to Switzerland!”

“YAY VACATION!” Diane shouted and jumped into Furina’s arms. She grinned broadly, then lowered her voice, “Maman, Charlotte is still saying that Santa isn’t real! Is she going to be on the naughty list?”

“Hmm, we’ll have to see,” Furina said, and grinned at Charlotte.

The teenager rolled her eyes. “Fine, feed her lies and fables. You’ll regret it when I leave for university soon. This house will become a den of shadows and iniquity!” 

“Then we’ll just turn on the lights,” Diane said, and stuck out her tongue.

Furina sighed and tried to defuse the argument. 

A few days later, the family arrived in Switzerland at an exclusive ski resort. Furina had needed to spend several million mora, not just francs, but cold ,hard mora, in order to reserve the place on such short notice, but the staff had bent over backwards when she informed them that not only would the Hydro Archon be there, but all of the Seven. 

Though they had needed assurances that the Tsaritsa would not spirit anyone away, and that Pater wasn’t going to turn them all into brainwashed animals. Or that the Dancer would even be there. 

“It will be a nice, quiet getaway!” Furina said as they stepped off the commercial flight. “Just us and some old friends for-”

The blinding flashes of the cameras were so dazzling that Furina had to hold up her hands in front of her eyes, until Yennifer pulled out a pair of sunglasses for each of them, which Furina gratefully took.

“Just a nice, quiet getaway? Did you forget you’re the most famous person on Earth Bet?” Yennifer asked as the reporters and paparazzi shouted questions. 

“Lord Focalors, why have the Seven Archons gathered in Munic!?”

“Are you going to declare war on North America!?”

“Are you starting a new fashion line with Lord Haborym!?”

“Everyone, please!” Furina said, but that didn’t work. So she sighed and tried again.

Everyone, please quiet down. 

Instant silence, though a few cameras still flashed. 

“Thank you. This is just a private family vacation,” Furina said firmly. “With a few of my oldest friends. Which, I will remind you, we Seven are. Yes, even Bronya. No, I won’t be taking any questions. Adieu!” 

There were, of course, more questions and cameras, but they had a private car waiting for them to drive them to the resort. They could have taken a hovercraft or helicopter, but Furina found driving along the winding roads rather charming. Slightly less charming was being trapped in the car with a manic cat girl and a moody teenager who could argue about the color of snow, but Furina was just sort of used to that by now. 

They finally arrived at the grand lodge, which wasn’t even slightly rustic. Instead, it was a historic chateau that had been repurposed as a ski resort several decades ago and was extravagantly decadent in its styling. Furina had thought to be the first to arrive, as it was only Friday and the others were not scheduled to be there until the next day. However, when they pulled up, a beat-up old Volkswagen was already out front, with several mechanics gathered around, and Capri’s legs sticking out from under the engine. 

“Um, hello!” Furina called, waving as Diane dashed forward and stuck her head under the van.

“Oh, hey!” Capri said, sticking her head out and smiling. “Sorry, old girl’s giving us fits! Barely even made it! I’d say it was a Christmas miracle, but god was my backseat driver.”

“What’s wrong with it?” Diane asked curiously, her tail waving back and forth.

“Diane, you’re going to get your new jacket filthy,” Yennifer said, reaching down to haul her daughter out. 

“Eh, probably the transmission slipping again. I’m not a tinker, though, but I think I can fix her,” Capri said, patting the hood affectionately. “You boys don’t touch her! She’s my baby! Come on, Venti’s already terrorizing everyone.”

Contrary to Capri’s claims, Venti was instead charming the entire staff by playing a few Christmas Carols on the guitar as he and Naomi sang, and Ziz sulked in the corner of the lobby with her phone.

“COUSIN ZIZ!” Diane shrieked, ignoring the Anemo Archon and bounding over to jump into Ziz’s lap.

“Oh, what’s this? A little kitty cat?” Ziz hissed, picking the shrieking Diane up and turning her upside down. “Well, just so you know…OWLS EAT CATS! NOM NOM NOM!” 

“HEEEE STOPPIT!” Diane gasped as Ziz tickled her furiously. Of course, when Ziz tried to set Diane down, she promptly climbed up the teenager's shoulders and demanded “DO IT AGAIN!” 

Ziz proceeded to do so, only to freeze when the sound of a digital shutter came from Charlotte’s phone. 

“No, please, do go on,” Charlotte said with a shit eating grin. “I promise not to post this on PHQ in your Threat Assessment thread. 

“GIVE ME THAT!” Ziz raged, dashing forward in a flurry of feathers with a squealing cat clinging to her shoulders, Diane’s clothes trailing behind him. 

“Ich glaub mein Schwein pfeift!” Yennifer growled and stomped off. “Diane! You’ve got to pay more attention when you transform! Ziz, help me get her clothes, and keep hold of her! She’s getting old enough that it’s not cute when she runs about naked, it’s just embarrassing!” 

“Only if Charlotte deletes that photo!” 

“No way, this is going in the family Christmas album! Just wait until the world hears that Grumpy Bird here is a big old softy!” 

“I will kick your ass, Four Eyes!” 

“Ziz, play nicely with your friends, or I’m confiscating your phone,” Naomi said mildly as Venti paused in his playing while the staff smiled at the children’s antics. 

“Ugh, fuck off, mom!” 

“HEY! YOU TELL YOUR MOTHER TO FUCK OFF AGAIN, AND I’LL KICK YOUR FUCKING ASS, DRAGON OR NO!” Capri yelled, her sword appearing in her hands.

Ziz fumed, but helped Charlotte pick up Diane’s clothes and haul her to a private room so she could change back. 

“Teenagers,” Furina sighed. “I am not looking forward to Diane being that age…”

“Fucking enjoy it while it lasts,” Capri muttered, flopping into a large armchair with a sour expression. “That one skipped the cute and innocent stage and went straight to raging bitch mode.”

“She’s not that bad, just moody,” Naomi said consolingly as she sat beside her wife.

“Charlotte is also a headache,” Yennifer groaned, taking a seat herself. There was a large roaring fire, and the lobby was richly carpeted, as well as having two large Christmas Trees that were wonderfully decorated. “Finding out I was promoted to parent with that one was certainly a shock. Though at least it somewhat prepared me for having Diane out of the blue. I still blame you for that, Perle.” 

“Yes, well, I won’t say I’m sorry,” Furina said, then smiled and thanked a staff member who hurried over with coffee. Hers had plenty of cream and sugar, just the way she liked it. 

Over the next day, the rest of the Seven arrived. First was Ei, who, at exactly the appointed time, stepped out of a portal with Ami, Dalnim creating her own portal at the same instant and arriving alone. 

“Focalors,” the Shogun said with a nod. “You indicated this was a matter of some import.”

“Er, yes, well, it is, but we should wait for everyone else,” Furina said. “And, um, please don’t be mad…”

“How could I be so mad to see this cutie patootie again!?” Ami laughed, coming over to greet Diane. 

“Did you bring me a Christmas gift?!” Diane asked eagerly. 

Ei’s brow furrowed. “That was not the purpose of this visit.”

“Yes, we did, mother,” Dalnim said, and produced several vials of spices. “Ami has brought yours.”

“Ta-da!” Ami got out a large glass flask of orange spice with black flecks in it. “Shichimi Togarashi, from our own private stores!” 

“Excellent! I shall cook a most wonderful meal!” Diane vowed. She frowned up at the Shogun, and clutched the spices to her chest. “You’re not allowed in the kitchen! Shoo! Shoo!” 

Ei blushed as Furina scolded her daughter, who nodded and pretended to be contrite, giggling and scampering off with her treasures. 

“Sorry, she’s been so irreverent since she found out I was the Hydro Archon,” Furina sighed. 

“I understand. I have had to take Ami to task for impudence, especially when she was younger,” Ei said calmly. 

“M-mom!” Ami gasped. 

“A slipper is most instructive,” Ei continued. “I can get you a pair.”

“A slipper?” Furina repeated, frowning slightly. How would that help?

She uses it to beat Ami’s naughty behind with. Diane might benefit from that as well. 

What!? Mother, I could never! 

Then get Yennifer to do it. That child needs discipline! 

Not with a slipper! How could you even think of striking a child!?

Rather easily. Especially when she’s bickering with Charlotte, both those young ladies need firm instruction. 

The rest followed, with Mavuika being the last to arrive, roaring up alone on her motorcycle, with a very irate young woman behind her who was dressed in a face-concealing helmet and dark riding leathers. 

“Ah, Focalors! ¡Feliz Navidad!” Mavuika laughed, jumping off the bike and coming over to give Furina a hug. 

“It’s good to see you as well, Merry Christmas! Who’s your friend?” Furina asked curiously.

“No one! None of your business!” the still helmeted woman snapped. “Some idiot dragged me out of my workshop for a party! I have work to do! I don’t have time for-”

Furina’s eyes went wide. She recognized that voice. “Um, m-maybe it’s best you leave the helmet on…people here might remember you…”

The woman froze, then cringed and dropped her voice. “Um, I-I’m not the same…look, I’m a person, now! You can call me Sandrone!”

“Oh. Um, perhaps you should stay away from the Tsaritsa,” Furina said, wincing.

“Why? What’s the frozen bitch have to do with anything?! Ugh, Mav, I told you, you should have just left me in the workshop! I just finished your dumb bike’s upgrades again, and if I’m ever going to make any progress on those ludicrous requests you keep bringing me, I can’t be attending stupid holiday parties!” 

“Aw, come on, Sandi! Furina said she needed the world’s best Tinker!” Mavuika laughed, putting her arm around Sandrone and giving her a side hug, which the shorter woman desperately tried to wiggle out of. 

“If she wanted the world’s best Tinker, she could have just come to visit me! But she’d have to wait in line. I have enough outlandish requests from dumbasses who don’t understand what the hell they’re even requesting! What, do you want a transforming motorcycle that can turn into a suit of power armor too!?”

“Um, no, I…well, I’ll explain soon,” Furina said, wringing her hands. “But…but it’s for my daughter, Diane. For Christmas. Well, not just her…all the children of the world.”

“Why should I care about a bunch of stupid brats?” Sandrone muttered, going limp in Mavuika’s iron grasp. “I hate kids!” 

“She thinks they taste terrible,” Mavuika said in a stage whisper. “Even with ketchup.”

“What!? Are you implying- this is anti-clanker discrimination again, isn’t it?! I have taste buds, you know, and for your information, kids would taste AWFUL. I much prefer Dammann Frères Mon Petit Chocolate!”

At the mention of her favorite brand of tea, Furina brightened. “Why, I brought some with me! Let’s get everyone together and have a tea party! I’m sure Zhongli has a few of his favorite blends, too!”

That got Sandrone’s attention. “What, really? You mean it?! Real imperial tea from China!? Why didn’t you say so! Come on, Mav, let’s find out what this stupid boondoggle is! At least they’ll compensate me properly, unlike SOME people!” 

Before long, Furina had gathered up all Seven Archons and their best Tinkers in a large parlor. Not a stuffy conference room, but one with nice, plush armchairs, small tea tables, and a roaring fireplace. 

“Um, Miss Cloud Retainer, I’m sorry, but your daughter will need to leave,” Furina said.

“What?” the Chinese tinker said, adjusting her glasses. “Shuyu is as talented a Tinker as any present! Why, one has trained her both in mechanical engineering and adaptal arts! One would place her skills against any from other lands!” 

“Er…it’s…it’s to do with Christmas. Kids can’t hear,” Furina said, wringing her hands nervously. “It would ruin the surprise.”

“Hmph. Very well. Shuyu, you may leave,” Cloud Retainer huffed. 

“Ok! I’ll go see what Diane and the other kids are up to,” Shuyu agreed, and jumped out of her chair after polishing off her hot cocoa and hurrying for the door.

“Does that mean I must depart as well?” Nahida asked curiously.

“Um…” Furina hadn’t thought of that, and bit her lip nervously. 

“I would preface that I have already deduced you intend to create a ritual that will result in the manifestation of Father Christmas, and have us imbue this spirit with the powers and abilities of Santa Claus, so that you don’t have to tell Diane he isn’t real,” Nahida said.

Furina groaned, and Venti laughed, raising his glass of (non-alcoholic) apple cider. “Ehe! Good one, Buer! I figured she was up to the same thing! I think it’s adorable!” 

“Buer cannot rightly be treated as a child, for she is one of us,” Morax said, raising his own cup of tea. “Though she chooses to take the form of an elfin youth, she is yet the God of Wisdom, and our equal. Any ritual we conduct that excludes her would be bereft of her blessing, and thus, doomed to failure.”

“Wait, I do not understand,” Ei said, tilting her head slightly to one side. “Are you saying…but I had thought Santa was quite real. Is he not a powerful yokai? His coming is celebrated yearly in Japan.”

“Indeed, he even visits Tokkiwa Village. So stealthy is he, that I have not detected his coming and going, though he frequently leaves evidence of such,” Dalnim agreed.

“Please tell me you’re kidding, mom, Tsu!” Ami groaned. “He’s a fable for little kids!” 

“Honestly, I thought he was real my first Christmas too,” Mavuika admitted. “When I found out otherwise, I loaded up my bike with gifts and drove around town, passing them out to kids! I even put on a beard and a hat!” 

“I bet you looked ridiculous,” Sandrone muttered into her teacup, but Mavuika just laughed and nodded. 

“Why should we do anything to empower an icon of a dead rival?” the Tsaritsa sneered. 

“Because he is a symbol of Love and Compassion, and those are both within our domains, mother,” Kollei chided. 

“Hmph. Well, what do you propose, Focalors?” the Tsaritsa huffed. 

“Well…since Santa Claus is already believed in worldwide, and there is so much Faith and Devotion dedicated to him…I figured we could simply bind the spirit that has to already exist with in the Leylines,” Furina said. “Then, with our powers, we grant him the gifts necessary to complete his journey. I’ve obtained permission from the Danish government to set up a shop for him in Greenland. It’s not quite the North Pole, but it is neutral territory, and completely uninhabited.”

“And I suppose we create a race of little elves to make toys for all the good girls and boys?” Bronya taunted. 

“Yes, but this Santa will have a sense of Justice,” Furina said firmly. “As Keqing requested. He will pay the most attention to the poor and needy. Every child will receive a gift, or, if they are especially naughty, a lump of coal, but those who live lives of want and would expect little to no gift for Christmas, shall instead receive a generous blessing. Not just toys, but food, clothing, and other necessities. Is it not our duty to care for all the children of the world, not just those who live within our territory?”

“An excellent point,” Zhongli agreed, setting aside his tea and steepling his fingers. “He should be a powerful Contract between us and those who live outside of our lands. A Contract that we, though we are freshly come to this world, shall ever be its stewards. Even when the day comes when I may cede rulership of China back to mortal hands, I must ensure that certain protections are in place, as they were in Liyue. This Santa could see to that, even in lands beyond my domaine. A Contract that while humanity is in its youth, we shall succor them, but as they grow to become adults, we as their parents shall proudly watch them stand upon their own two feet.”

“Huh, so there’s a cutoff? What about those of childlike mind, yet an adult body? Like Nahida’s sister, Qiqi,” Mavuika pointed out. 

Nahida blushed, but nodded. “Yes. The gifts should be for children, but that would mean those who are yet reliant upon others to care for them. Perhaps, gifts should also be given to those in their second childhood, though that could be construed as insulting.”

“A complex magic, but one that must be Eternal in nature,” Ei said with a nod. “I am greatly disappointed that such a manifestation of goodwill and cheer towards those who are most in need of it did not yet exist. I agree we must take steps to rectify this.”

“You speak of the Good Children, what of the Naughty?” Bronya demanded. “Will you punish those who are deserving of it? Love is not simply charity and compassion, but giving harsh lessons to wayward children who are in need of stern correction, lest they grow up to be adults incapable of fulfilling their duty in society.”

“The magic should be tempered with compassion: Most children will be Good, if only they are shown the way,” Kollei urged. 

“Yes, but if they’re choosing to be truly Naughty, to bully and disparage others, to be cruel and vindictive, then they must be Free to suffer the consequences of their own actions,” Venti argued. 

Bronya glowered at him for daring to agree with her, but Venti just smiled at her. 

The Archons and their attendant Tinkers talked for long hours, coming up with a plan, until there was a knock at the door, followed by the door bursting open. 

“TA-DA!” Diane crowed and pushed a large cart in with the help of Shuyu, Qiqi, and a harassed looking Ziz and Charlotte. Ami just looked jazzed, even if she did have a smudge of something on her nose. “WE MADE YOU ALL LUNCH!”

There was stuffed butternut squash, eggplant parmesan, and Furina’s favorite, French Onion Soup. It was, of course, delicious, and Diane bragged she’d used the spices and ingredients everyone had gifted her. 

“And Santa’s gonna bring me lots of presents too, and prove Charlotte wrong!” Diane declared, grinning up at her elder sister. 

Charlotte rolled her eyes. “Sure, kid, sure. I’m sure the Easter Bunny will hop along too.”

“Ah, are we to make that one real as well?” Ei commented, before several others hushed her. 

After lunch, Ei opened a portal to Greenland, and everyone stepped through.

“BRRRR! This is even colder than the Alps, and I thought that was bad!” Mavuika laughed, conjuring up a fire to keep everyone warm and toasty, which Furina appreciated. 

“You have not seen winter until you have seen a Russian Winter,” Bronya scoffed. However, even she had on her coat and a long dress, as well as a warm fur hat instead of her crown. 

“No thanks! I was planning on spending Christmas in Honolulu!” Mavuika laughed. She winked at Furina. “Thank Fortuna for the tip, by the way! The Abyss was going to try and have another outbreak to ruin everyone’s Christmas, so I figured I’d crash the party!” 

“Of course. Now, shall we?” Furina said. 

The Archons set about their work, with Furina, Nahida, Venti, and Bronya doing most of the work of tapping into the Leylines and inscribing the ritual necessary. Ei, Zhongli, and Mavuika set about creating the workshop, along with the Tinkers. It took all night and into the next day, with only Mavuika’s flames and the Northern Lights to provide illumination. 

When they were done, a great red and white striped pole stood on the Northern Tip of Greenland. Within it, Morax and Cloud Retainer had constructed something similar to an adaptal teapot, though on a much grander scale than usual. It would house an entire complex of elves, crafted by Ei and Sandrone. The little elves had clockwork keys in their back, much like the one that Sandrone had concealed in her own spine. They were incredibly lifelike, but were one and all robotic creations. 

For now, the elves were dormant within the domaine, awaiting the arrival of their leader. 

All that remained was the ritual. The Seven took their places, and Furina led them in finishing the magic, tapping into the ley lines. As she did so, power began to coalesce at the center of the circle, taking on the shape of a man. Furina didn’t exert her own will so much as tap into the images and beliefs of all the children of the world, concentrating them into the shape of a jolly old elf. At last, with the jingle of bells, a mighty laugh resounded. 

HO HO HO! MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Into the circle stepped an elderly man with a long white beard and sparkling blue eyes. He had pointed ears and was only about one and a half meters tall, with a broad belly that he rested one hand on. He was dressed in red furs, with a black belt and a large silver buckle over it. He doffed his red cap and bowed to the Seven Archons.

“My Lords! I am Father Christmas! Santa Claus! You have awakened me! I am at your service!” 

“Welcome, Santa!” Furina said giddily. “I’m very sorry, but there’s less than a week until Christmas!” 

“Ho ho ho, never you worry, Lord Focalors!” Santa said, winking merrily. “I think I’m going to be drafting a few extra elves to help me this Christmas, eh, Lord Beezelbul?”

“Of course,” Ei agreed, and she was actually smiling. “I look forward to crafting toys at your direction.”

“Wait, what?! I didn’t agree to this!” Sandrone gasped. “This is extortion!” 

Santa looked sober and shook his head. “Sandrone, you don’t have to stay. You’re no longer the Clockwork. You have free will. But, a more gifted Tinker I would be hard pressed to find. Please, for the sake of the children of the world, won’t you build my sleigh tonight?”

“I’m not some red-nosed reindeer,” Sandrone muttered, but there was more than the cold in the flush of her cheeks. “FINE! But I’d better get a week off on a sandy beach somewhere with no annoying Archons asking me to add laser beams to their bikes or build weapons for an entire damn army!” 

“One will, of course, volunteer,” Cloud Retainer said with a merry grin. “Ganyu and Shuyu will be so pleased to receive gifts on this holiday. And One wishes for all the children of the world to be so blessed. Merely direct this one, and the most marvelous of playthings will be crafted by the legion!” 

“I shall lend my aid as well, and go over with you some of the finer points of the bindings constructing the workshop,” Morax said with a nod. “Keqing will be able to keep things running until I return to the Forbidden City.”

“Can I do anything?” Furina asked, smiling nervously at Santa Claus. Which was silly, she’d helped create him, after all.

“Of course! I have work for each of you. Next year, I’ll have everything ready in time, but since there’s so much to do in just a few days, I’m grateful for all the help!” Santa laughed. “Come on, everyone! Let’s wake the elves up and get to work!” 

A week later, an exhausted arrived back in Paris on Christmas Eve, and was greeted by a very concerned Yennifer. 

“Are you OK? You’ve got dark circles under your eyes,” Yennifer said, settling Furina onto the saggy old couch in front of the Christmas tree. 

“Maman, Mutti, do you think Santa will eat the cookies I leave out!?” Diane demanded, bouncing over with a plate of expertly frosted sugar cookies and a glass of cold milk.

“Sure, if they don’t, I will,” Charlotte teased. “Where were you, anyway? All Seven Archons disappeared for a whole week!”

“Just working on a project,” Furina yawned. “Mmm, I think I’ll sleep here tonight…”

“If you see Santa, tell him I’ve been good!” Diane pleaded.

“I will,” Furina said, then yawned and closed her eyes. Soon…the world would see…

“New contact! It’s blinking in and out, but we’re tracking it!” 

Dr. Mother stepped forward, peering at the display in Cauldron Headquarters. “What could it be?”

“It’s some sort of temporal anomaly,” Albedo commented. “It’s blipping in and out of reality. We’re picking it up all over the world. It is reminiscent of Khonsu’s simulated abilities.”

“Alert the president. It’s hitting New Zealand, whatever it is. And pull up the news,” Dr. Mother ordered. “It’s hitting American Samoa any minute.”

“You’ve got a letter from Fortuna,” an aide said, hurrying up to Doctor Mother and passing her a paper note.

“Probably Christmas wishes,” Dr. Mother muttered, pocketing the paper.

“She said you needed to read it as soon as you detected a temporal anomaly,” the aid said, looking a bit curious.

Sighing, Doctor Mother pulled out the paper. Inside was a Christmas card, which featured Fortuna posing with her stupid magic eight ball in Santa hats. She flipped it over.

Merry Christmas, Mom. I’ll see you for dinner in Paris. Or not, since I’m blind, but you’ll be there. I’m going to burn the duck, so bring take-out. 

PS: It’s Santa Claus. No, really, it is. Tell Alex not to go bother him or she’ll get coal. 

Slowly, Doctor Mother lowered the card. “You can’t be serious.”

“Ma’am, the President and Alpha Squad are on direct intercept course!” one of the controllers called. 

Dr. Mother watched the display. “This had better be a joke, Fortuna.”

“There it is!” Alexandria called and slammed together her hands, one full of Abyssal power, the other Cryo. That would have obliterated most people, but her powers let Alexandria survive the explosion. It also had the effect of tearing open a rift in space-time, which at the moment, forced whatever this temporal anomaly was to snap into reality, with the sound of jingling bells.

I’ve got you now! Hero laughed, lowering his Abyssal blaster. 

“Ho ho ho! Hello, Wyatt. Hmm, or are you even Wyatt, still? Well, regardless, Merry Christmas! I’m afraid you’ve been a very bad boy this year. As such, here’s  your lump of coal.”

 Wyatt, Alexandria, and everyone else paused as a sleigh, pulled by nine reindeer, one of which had a glowing red nose, snapped into existence before them, drawn out of the pocket dimension it had been using to skip along space-time. The fat man in a red suit in the drivers seat reached into a large sack at his side, rumaged around…and pulled out a lump of coal, which he handed to Wyatt, who extended his talons to accept it. 

I…thank you? Santa?

“You’re welcome. Stop dabbling in blasphemy, and next year, you can have the nerf gun you want,” Santa told him. Then he turned to the next member of Alpha Squad, and beamed. “Hannah! You’ve been very good this year. Now, normally, I wouldn’t give an adult a gift, but since you stopped me, here.”

“It’s…a Popple?” Miss Militia said, accepting the bright yellow, white, and pink stuffed animal. 

“It’s what you asked for! And, you’ve done your best to be Good this year. Be kinder to your enemies, because remember, Christ told us to love those who hate us. And I don’t think Nahida hates you,” Santa said gently. Then he turned to Alexandria. “Madam President! Stop meddling in the Abyss. Here’s your coal.”

Blinking in astonishment, Alexandria accepted her lump of coal. 

“Myrddin! Here’s a brand new set of dice, and a DM screen. You’ve been very good this year.”

“I…thank you, Santa!” Myrddin said brightly.

After giving the rest of Alpha Squad their gifts, Santa flicked his whip. “Well, I must be going! I have to visit every boy and girl on Earth Bet this night! Merry Christmas to all, and to all a Good Night!” 

With that, the sleigh vanished, leaving behind only the faint tinkling of bells. 

Alexandria looked down at the lump of coal in her hands, then up at the other members of Alpha Squad. 

“Huh,” Myrddin said. “Even Santa hates the Abyss. And yet, it remains the best source of power…truly a riddle.”

Alexandria crushed the coal in her hand, and let the dust fall into the dark waters below. “Come on. Let’s quit wasting time.”

I’m saving mine, Wyatt commented as a door opened in mid-air for them. I can actually say I got a gift from Santa! 

“We’ll monitor…whatever that was. And check to see what, exactly, are left as presents. I want agents on the ground checking as soon as it’s confirmed where and when he’s leaving gifts,” Alexandria ordered. 

She paused, then looked around. Everyone was looking at her aghast. 

Alex. Sweetie…we’re not going Full Grinch, Wyatt told her. 

“Yeah, if you want to study a gift, take mine. Don’t ruin Christmas for some kid!” Hannah said, sounding horrified.

Alexandria sighed and nodded. “Yeah. That’s…that’s probably too far. Even for me.”

Annette sighed, and looked at the clock. 6:00am. In years past, Taylor had come pounding down the hall and woken her up. But, she was a teenager now. She wanted to sleep in for Christmas. It was just as well. Money was tight this year. Annette’s job didn’t pay much, and after the fight Taylor had gotten into with the President…they weren’t in good political humor.

Still, Annette got up, and went to the kitchen. She was just getting out the milk and stale bread for Christmas French toast, when she paused. She went back, and glanced at the tree. Were there more gifts? Taylor must have scrapped up something for her. Annette smiled, and wiped a tear from her eyes. Then went back to busy herself making French toast.

Despite her vow to sleep in, Taylor was up by 7:00, as Annette heard her doing her morning exercises in her room. Eventually, Taylor stumbled out into the living room, yawning.

“Good morning. Merry Christmas, Cuddle Bug,” Annette said, and kissed Taylor’s forhead. 

“Mph. Mornin’,” Taylor said. She went over to the table, and set her glowing Electro Vision before a plate of French toast, then went back to get her own. She blushed when she saw Annette watching her. “It’s…it’s Christmas. Dad’s here. Sort of. I…I told you I heard him, right?”

“Every day,” Annette said, fighting back tears. She was still so, so scared for Taylor. Especially since she’d started talking about defying the president and exposing the truth. Her daughter wanted to be a villain in a world where those no longer existed, thanks to the President’s brutal policies. Hookwolf had been executed just two months ago, having been convicted of the rape and killing of a local black teenager. That could have been Taylor…

Taylor sat down, closed her eyes, and held out her hand. Reluctantly, Annette took it, even as Taylor rested the other hand on the Vision. “Thanks to Lord Buer, who provides us with food and Life, and thanks to Jesus Christ, who was born this day. Amen.”

“Amen,” Annette whispered. It had to be safe in their homes to say that prayer. Surely. 

They ate breakfast in silence, as Taylor’s supply of words seemed to be exhausted. Still, Annette sipped her coffee, and enjoyed the peace and quiet. 

“Wow, did you get more presents? Or did someone drop them off?” Taylor said, putting on her glasses and peering at the tree. 

“I…I thought you’d gotten them for me,” Annette said, heart suddenly beating furiously from fear. 

“No,” Taylor said, and picked up her Vision, holding it in her hand. She waved a finger, and there was a buzzing as her fireflies flew out of her room, then buzzed around Taylor’s head. “Hmm. Trap?”

Annette watched worldessly as her daughter picked up the present. “To Taylor, from…Santa? Huh.”

Taylor opened the present, and a huge grin blossomed over her face. “Mom, you said we weren’t getting anything expensive this year!”

“I…I didn’t,” Annette stammered, as Taylor held up a large terrarium. 

“Well, someone got it!” Taylor said gleefully. “It’s a full ant farm! Hey, look, this one’s for you, too!” 

Annette took the brightly wrapped package from Taylor, which was addressed to her, also from Santa. Taylor tore into several more gifts with delighted laughs, almost all of them from this mysterious Santa. There were all the supplies for an ant farm, from the right dirt, to some decorations, to tubes that would connect different terrariums, to even a queen and some larva to seed the tank with. There was even ant food. 

“Carpenter ants! Oh man, I bet I can train them with my Vision! It’s even got instructions for feeding ants elemental energy!” Taylor said eagerly. 

With trembling hands, Annette opened her own present. Inside was a framed picture of her, Danny, and Taylor. Taylor was only six months old, and looked very grumpy with her nose painted brown and reindeer horns on. Danny was dressed up like Santa with a very bad fake beard, while Annette had on elf ears and a pointed green cap. Tears filled Annette’s eyes. “But…but it was destroyed…when the basement in the old house flooded, I…”

“There’s a note,” Taylor said, picking it up and handing it to Annette. She dried her tears, and read, 

Dear Annette,

I hope this picture brings you joy this Christmas season. I know you didn’t want a toy, but something to treasure. I won’t be delivering gifts to most adults after this year, but this is to make up for all those Christmases that I missed.

With Joy,

Santa

“Oh my gods,” Taylor gasped, her eyes going wide. “He…he’s REAL.”

“This…this has to be a kind stranger, I-”

Taylor’s phone rang, and she scrambled to turn it on. “Sarah, did he come to your house too!?”

“HOLY SHIT TAYLOR SANTA’S REAL! I JUST CAUGHT THE SOUND OF SLEIGH BELLS AND HE LEFT ME REGGI’S OLD JACKET THAT I LOST!” 

“Mom, turn on the news!” Taylor demanded, and Annette hurried to do so. 

It was on every channel, even in the morning paper. 

YOU CAN BELIEVE!

SEVEN’S SECRET PROJECT REVEALED!

SANTA CLAUS CAME TO TOWN! 

“I’m calling Alec,” Taylor said. 

“Taylor!” Annette gasped. 

“Mom, he’d know!” Taylor said, and went to her room to get a cell phone that Annette had never seen before. Taylor dialed and had a short conversation, then shut it off and smashed the phone with a hammer. “Yep. He says it was definitely Santa. Wasn’t there when he was made, but it’s him.”

“A miracle,” Annette whispered.

“Now do you get it, mom?” Taylor demanded, and Annette was puzzled for a moment. “The Archons. They did it. They’re good, mom! They’re gods! They gave me dad’s Vision back! And that’s why I worship them!”

“I…I suppose I do,” Annette said, and hugged her daughter tight. “But…let’s not talk about it. For today…let’s just celebrate Christmas. And put together your ant farm.”

Taylor grinned like the little girl she still was in Annette’s mind. “OK!”

And for one day…there was Peace On Earth, and Good Will Towards Men. 

Merry Christmas To All…

Except Scion. He didn’t even get coal.