The Second Archon War: Interlude 18 (Patreon)

Interlude 18: Court Opera 

The Palais des Nations had seen many historic peace summits, such as the 1954 conference that had ended the Korean Conflict and the first Indo-China War. Now, it would play host to the most momentous gathering in the history of the world. 

And it had all started with a very unassuming phone call. 

“Grüezi, this is Marković,” Dr. Élodie Marković, the Director-General of the UN in Geneva, said in response to her phone ringing. 

“Hello,” a sleepy child’s voice said. “Can you please check your email, Dr. Marković?” 

“Who is this?” Marković said, her eyes flitting over to her computer screen, where a new email had popped up. 

“I’m sorry to bother you on such late notice, but this is Lesser Lord Kusanali,” Nahida said, at the same time as Dr. Marković opened the email. Her eyes went wide as she saw a picture of the Hopebringer, smiling at the camera as she sat in the crown of a great tree that overlooked a city somewhere. Probably Volgograd if what Dr. Marković had heard was true. 

“I-yes, Lord Kusinali, what can the United Nations do for you?” the Director-General said, and nervously glanced out of her window. The Simurgh wasn’t about to attack, was she?

“I’m afraid I need to book the Palais des Nations for a peace summit,” the Dendro Archon explained. “It’s all in the text of the email, but I wanted to talk to you to confirm things and apologize.”

Dr. Marković’s eyes hastily scanned the email, and she gasped when she saw the dates. August 10-17th!? That was only six days away! “I, yes, we will do whatever we can to assist you, Lord Kusanali. This is quite abrupt, however. May I ask who will be attending this peace conference?” 

“All five Archons and their retainers, along with representatives from the United States, Poland, Finland, Kazakhstan, and-”

Nahida proceeded to give a detailed guest list, along with requirements for lodging, catering, floral arrangements, and transportation.

“Sorry this is so barebones and poorly thought out, I didn’t have very much time to plan,” Nahida said, sounding rather embarrassed despite the fact that she’d just given a far more detailed and still concise plan than most conferences started with. 

“Well, we will do whatever we can to help, and the Palais des Nations will be available for the conference, of course. So, this is to bring the war to a close, then?” Dr. Marković asked hopefully. Switzerland was neutral, of course, but Dr. Marković was from Croatia, and the threat of the Tsaritsa loomed large in the minds of all the Balkan nations. 

“The conflict between Archons has ended. What we must discuss is humanity’s defense against the Abyss, and the prevention of further incursions. It is a matter of utmost importance. That is why representatives from all nations are invited, as well as all major cape groups,” Nahida explained. 

“I…but didn’t you and the other Archons stop this latest outbreak?” Dr. Marković asked, a creeping feeling of dread settling in her stomach.

“We did, Élodie. At great cost,” Nahida said softly. “But that was only a first probe. A scouting party. I fear that the greater threat lies ahead. And we must be prepared to stop it.”

“As you say, Lord Kusanali,” Élodie gasped. “The…the Palais des Nations will be prepared to receive you, and all others.”

There was a great deal of upset, of course, when the Director General announced the conference, as many other planned meetings and another major conference were canceled, as well as several hotels booked out and prepared for the rapidly assembling foreign dignitaries. Before the day was out, representatives from the Knights of Favonius, as well as the Witch of the Fatui Harbingers, had already come and begun preparations. 

News and rumors began to spread as well. The Raiden Shogun had invaded the Kuril Islands, and several of those islands had borne the brunt of her wrath to the point that only deep scars in the ocean remained. The Crimean Peninsula also simply no longer existed. Where it had been, a dark vortex of winds now howled. Strange shapes and figures were seen in the wind, with hushed whispers claiming that the Crimea had been thrown out of time itself by the Anemo Archon. How that worked no one was quite sure, but disturbing footage briefly surfaced on the internet before being fiercely tamped down by various governments. The websites that had been hosting the footage were taken down with the same prejudice that had been shown towards footage of Endbringer battles before the arrival of the Archons. 

There were also spreading rumors that the Hydro Archon, Focalors, had shown herself. It seemed she had done so first in Paris of all places, then in New Moscow. Hydro Visions had been showing up for five months, but not a peep had been heard from the Hydro Archon. That wasn’t entirely unusual: No one had known who the Dendro Archon was until the Simurgh had been sent running from Baghdad, but one very large bet was paid off to a gambler who had successfully predicted where and when the Hydro Archon would first arrive, down to the hour.

Contessa took Dehya and Geoff out to dinner, and bought them both lifetime passes to Disneyland Paris to celebrate. And was banned from every single gambling site and casino on the planet. The only reason that hadn’t happened before is she hadn’t cared about the money previously, but now she wanted to be financially independent from Cauldron, and this had been a surefire bet for the woman who could read Fate like a book. 

Generally, however, people were excited and curious. It was generally known the Archons had fought some kind of monster, possibly even a new Endbringer, but at this point, humanity was getting used to seeing victories over such threats. With World War III coming to a conclusion after only nine months, things were looking up. 

Or at least, that’s what the delusionals and the optimists thought. 

The first to arrive in Geneva was the Anemo Archon. As usual, Venti’s arrival was quiet and unobtrusive, at least if you weren’t at the particular bar he ended up in for the night. It wasn’t until people started to post videos on social media of the Tone Deaf Bards playing at a dive bar in Geneva that anyone took notice, and even that, it was mostly only remarkable because Venti seemed somewhat lethargic and tired, and finished only a single set before going to bed early, something he almost never did. 

After that, however, there were a series of quiet meetings with the Swiss government. Not with Venti the Bard, but with Barbados, Archon of Freedom and Winds. If anything, seeing Venti in a three-piece suit, even an aquamarine one with a lime green tie, had a chilling effect on people’s hopes. 

Two days after Venti, Nahida arrived with her family. A huge crowd turned up at the airport and along the road to throw an impromptu parade for the Hopebringer. With the Simurgh having never scourged Geneva, the city and everywhere else no longer lived in fear thanks to the promise that if the Simurgh did come, the Hopebringer would be there to save them. Nahida waved happily from the back of the limo that was sent for her, along with Qiqi, who seemed a bit perplexed that they were having a parade, but smiled and clapped her hands anyway. Bashir had to be bundled up, as even 25 °C weather was a bit chilly for him, but Barqa and Farasha kept him warm enough and healthy, while little Saleem cried at the noise, as most infants would. 

While there was much less celebration, there was a great deal more pomp when the Raiden Shogun and Raiden Dalnim’s entourages arrived together. It was the first time that laripudians had been seen outside of North Korea, and there was a general excitement to get a look at the moon rabbits. That excitement turned to bafflement when the rabbits started talking in ozzie accents and complaining about the high gravity, but Amiya was able to begin establishing diplomatic relations with several governments without too much incident. 

The Shogun herself was taciturn and serene as always, and while Dalnim was more expressive and verbose, it wasn’t by much. That left Amiya and Lord Kenta to do most of the talking, but neither was terribly forthcoming about just what exactly would be discussed at the conference. When asked about the Kuril Islands, Kenta simply stated, “It’s forbidden.”

Next came the Tsaritsa, the Princess, and both the Witch and the Thief of the Fatui Harbingers. Geneva breathed a sigh of relief that Pater, the Prince, and the Dancer would not be in attendance. Seeing the Princess, however, began to further the rumors that Earth Bet had its second apotheosis. The Princess was even seen going to hospitals and healing the sick, as well as visiting a soup kitchen and giving alms to the poor. Some saw this as a Fatui psyop, others that the God of Compassion was quite different from her adopted mother. 

As for the Tsaritsa, she was seen only briefly and did not speak to or even acknowledge anyone, shutting herself up in her rooms and refusing all visitors. The floor of the hotel she was staying at became unlivable for anyone who wasn’t in the Fatui, as temperatures plummeted to sub-zero. 

The last Archon to arrive was the most anticipated, and by far the most gregarious. A great ship, formed all of hydro, sailed down the Rhone and arrived at the docks, where the Hydro Archon disembarked alongside an entire marching band of strange little rabbit creatures formed of Hydro Energy. The Archon herself was similarly formed all of Hydro, her features largely obscured, but a crowned hat clearly visible on her head. She was accompanied by the Hydro Dragon and her daughter, along with a silent knight clad in opaque hydro armor. 

Three cheers for me! Worship me! Adore me! For I am Focalors, Hydro Archon! Angel of Justice! Receive now my blessings, my audience, and bask in my magnificence!

The crowd was delighted by the various Hydro Constructs that paraded down the street, and children cheered when sweet fizzy drinks called “Fonta” were distributed to all. Focalors herself went on to perform a one-woman comic opera from Teyvat, which had the crowd roaring with laughter thanks to her charm and wit. After the show, Focalors didn’t go to her hotel, but instead mingled at various restaurants, and even went shopping for a while, though Keiga had to pay for everything as, Archons don’t bother with something so vulgar as cash.

The hubbub around the Archons completely overshadowed the arrival of President Costa-Brown and the American embassy, aside from a few diplomats who wanted to cut deals with what remained the world’s largest economy and cape force. The Americans, for their part, kept their heads down, avoiding the Archons by staying at the American Embassy. 

Notably, Pope Pius XIII attended the conference as well, by special invitation from Venti. Unlike the previous Pope, who had passed away several months before, he was willing to meet not just with Venti, but also several of the other Archons. Even Focalors was somewhat meek with the old cleric, though she treated him more as an equal than as a Holy Father. 

The real news was that the Raiden Shogun agreed to an audience with the Pope. Afterward, the world was stunned when the previous papal bull labeling her as an anti-Christ was rescinded. 

“While the Holy See does not recognize nor accept the false claims of divinity made by the Raiden Shogun, or Dalnim, we do recognize the Raiden Shogun as an Angel, much as the other Archons. She has agreed to certain considerations for Japanese Catholics, and has recognized the divinity of Christ, and the right for Christians to worship him.”

Privately, Ei was rather confused by the whole thing. “They really only believe in one god? But did they not say there is God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit?” she asked Kenta. 

“Look, I ain’t a Christian either, and it’s confusing as hell,” he told her quietly. “What matters is you made nice with the old guy in the funny hat, and promised not to make Christians make an offering to you like the rest.”

“No, they must still make an offering. They will merely do so to the Saint Narukami, or the Angel that they think is me. That is also acceptable,” Ei said with a shrug. “I do not care if they worship another god: Watatsumi Island still primarily worshipped Orobashi, whom I slew. They simply also paid to me  a tax of obeisance. As I still received their Faith and Worship, there was no issue.”

“Uh-huh. And didn’t they rebel and stuff? You mentioned something about that,” Kenta snorted. 

“That was the work of the Fatui. I would have had the Shogun straighten things out,” Ei sniffed, sticking her nose in the air. 

“Sure. Hey Dalnim, how do ya feel about your mom abandoning your older sister and stuff?” Kenta demanded. 

“I am certain she is doing an admirable job of ruling Inazuma in my mother’s absence,” Dalnim stated, not looking away from watching her K-drama. “Much as Ami is doing back in Japan.”

“Sure. Cause she and that idiot Emperor of yours aren’t having an idol concert and singing on stage. Eternity preserves us if anyone ever figures out the Emperor cosplays in drag,” Kenta groaned. 

“Why? His voice is good, and he is not unattractive in his idol garb. I find his performances most entertaining,” Ei said, which only made Kenta groan.

“It’s alright, Mr. Kenta,” Amiya told him. “On the Moon, we don’t judge if a man wants to be an idol singer.”

“Neither do I, but it ain’t exactly dignified, now is it?” Kenta grumbled. 

All this happened even before the official beginning of the conference on August 10th. The world was quite eager to treat with the Archons, and this was the most publicly available any of them had made themselves for statecraft and diplomacy. Even Nahida agreed to meet with the prime ministers of several Middle Eastern nations, and it was rumored she was brokering a peace deal between the Saudis and the Syrians, who had been at war for more than a decade. 

Still, the Archons had been quiet about just what the peace conference was for. The Russian forces had withdrawn from Kazakhstan completely, but were still occupying Finland and most of the Baltics. However, the Knights of Favonius were also active in Finland, and seemed to be cooperating with the Fatui on a joint operation against these new monsters that had suddenly appeared. There were whispers that these new monsters were far more dangerous than any other kind, but that baffled most. Weren’t slimes, whopper flowers, specters, and whatever horrors crawled out of the Narukami Trench bad enough? 

The day of the peace conference began, and the world held its breath. To everyone’s shock, the five Archons assembled in front of the Palais des Nations, talking quietly and even laughing and smiling at one another. Even the Tsaritsa seemed to show some warmth and affection, smiling and talking with Focalors, who seemed to be treating the entire thing as a grand spectacle. 

Then, together, the Archons walked into the waiting conference hall. In an odd gesture, the Archons had created separate seating for their own nations, with places for the Japanese, German, Iraqi, and even Russian delegations aside from their own. There was a great deal of speculation as to whether or not Focalors would associate herself with the French delegation, but that would have to wait for another day.

Additionally, there was another place set for the Princess of Russia, Dalnim of the Moon, and the five Dragons. There were a lot of angry mutters from the Iranian, Syrian, and Turkish delegations, all of whom had strong reasons to dislike Farasha, but no one protested too volubly. Strange looks were directed to the teenaged owl who sat slumped with her hands in the pockets of a green hoodie. At least until Capri appeared and took her outside of the conference room, where angry shouts and a great deal of profanity could be heard. When Ziz returned, the grumpy bird was dressed in a much more appropriate formal green gown. 

To the surprise of most present, it was Focalors who took center stage, sitting in the chair reserved for the presiding head adjudicator. Behind the stage was a great statue or construct of some sort, but it was covered in a canvas wrapping, and most quickly forgot about it. 

I call this first meeting of the gods and nations of Earth Bet to order, Focalors declared, producing an ornate gavel and rapping it lightly on the table. Let us now lay forth the reasons and strictures for this conference. 

Firstly, I, Lord Focalors, shall rule on the peace treaty between Lord Dantalion and her nation of Russia, and Lord Barbatos, mind the “t”, and Lord Buer, and their nations of the European Union and the Pan-Arab Pact. The Archons shall enumerate which nations compose those parties, but we shall set that aside for now.

That brought a few murmurs. Pan-Arab Pact? European Union? Those were concepts that had been discussed, but never actually brought to fruition. Until now, apparently. 

Focalors seemed to grin and twirled her gavel, basking in the commotion before continuing. Due to the fact that peace has already been established, this shall take the form of a trial. The parties shall present their grievances and Casus Belli, and I shall render a verdict as to whom the wronged parties are, and what restitution must be given. 

Standing and raising her hands on high, Focalors declared, This court is now in session! Let the parties come forth onto the stage! 

Stage? No one was quite sure what was happening, but the doors banged open, and a guitar riff played, followed by the opening chords of The Winged Hussars by the Tone Deaf Bards as Grand Master Katherine Schmidt and Colonel Eryka Pawłowska strode forth in full dress uniform. Behind them, Capri and Naomi were actually playing instruments, which utterly baffled the assembled dignitaries.

At least, until Focalors laughed and clapped in delight. Oh, Bravo, Bravo! I see that you have been informed of the standards I expect in a case! Now, put such passion into your arguments, and Justice will surely smile upon you today! 

“Thank you, Lord Focalors,” Grandmaster Cookie said as Capri and Naomi quieted and took a seat. “Assembled guests, dignitaries, and holy Archons, this day, we shall prove beyond all doubt that the Tsaritsa and her nation attacked our people with cruel, unprovoked aggression!” 

“OBJECTION!” the Witch shouted, banging the table with her fists as she surged to her feat. Most of the audience jumped in shock. This was NOT how you conducted a peace conference, let alone a trial!“Their argument is specious and their language overly aggressive!” 

Overruled, Focalors said with a dismissive wave of her hand. You shall have your chance, Madam, never your fear. But now, it is your opponent’s turn. Let them make their arguments from the heart, and with passion! 

Colonel Pawłowska stepped up and pointed an accusatory finger at the Princess. “On December 20th of last year, the Princess came to Warsaw, and demanded that Poland allow herself to be annexed by the Russians!”

Is this true? Focalors asked, turning to Kollei. This puzzled everyone. Of course it was true: They’d all seen the live broadcasts. Admittedly, at the time, Focalors had not been present, but surely she had heard. 

Slowly, Kollei stood and addressed the court. “When I was a mortal girl, I did address the people of Warsaw on behalf of my Mother, acting as her divine vessel. She sought only to return her wayward children to her loving embrace as-”

“OBJECTION!” Colonel Pawłowska bellowed, slamming a fist on the table. “THE PEOPLE OF POLAND ARE NO CHILDREN OF THE ICE BITCH’S!”

“OBJECTION!” the Witch shouted, and Focalors barked Sustained! But the Colonel continued her tirade. 

“YOU HAVE ONLY TO LOOK AT OUR LONG HISTORY AND SUFFERING TO SEE WHY WE WOULD WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH RUSKIE OPPRESSION!” 

ORDER! Focalors roared and slammed her gavel on the table, cutting the colonel off from further remarks. Madam! This is a court of law! I will not have such language in my court! Impassioned your pleas must be, but there is a sense of decorum to these proceedings!

If there was, most of the dignitaries present couldn’t see it. This wasn’t a conference or a trial: This was a soap opera. 

“My apologies, Lord Focalors,” Pawłowska said, bowing and showing contriteness on her face. “I retract my insults, but the sentiment of words stands: Poland wants nothing to do with Russian rule. We would die to the last Pole who could hold a gun or sword to prevent such!” 

Do you have evidence you wish to submit to substantiate such a claim? Focalors demanded.

“Yes! I call as my first witnesses…Deputy Janusz Solecki and his granddaughter, Corporal Zofia Solecki!”

The doors were dramatically flung open again, and a young woman in a modern Polish army uniform pushed the wheelchair of an elderly man in a World War II era Polish Captain’s uniform. 

The court accepts these witnesses. Let them be sworn in! Focalors decreed. 

The proceedings went like that until lunch, with the Germans and Poles providing impassioned testimony about their grievances against the Russians, and the wrongs the Fatui had inflicted in the war. 

After lunch, it was the Russians' turn. They managed to find a handful of Poles who had converted to the Church of the Frozen Heart, and a few dry history professors to cite old legal claims to Polish territory by Russian monarchs. 

At the end of the day, the assembly expected that the conference would run much longer than the scheduled week, and some were wondering if it was even worth it to show up to this passion play the next day, as many had important business to attend to. 

Instead, just before the close of the day, Focalors rapped her gavel on the table. Very well! We have heard the arguments of both sides, and the verdict is ready to be rendered! 

That brought gasps and shocked murmurs from the crowd. A single day for such an important trial? It was unheard of! The stir seemed only to please Focalors, who grinned and continued. 

However, so that all may know that such a verdict is impartial, I shall only provide the sentencing after the verdict. Instead, the Verdict shall be rendered by… Focalors waited for a dramatic pause, and the audience held their breath. L'Oratrice Mécanique d'Analyse Cardinale!

Snapping her fingers, Focalors stepped aside as the canvas on the construct behind her was yanked off, revealing a great set of scales about ten meters tall. It was formed of a shining golden metal, and covered with intricate scrollwork. Two droplets of water hovered over the two plates, and there was a slot at the bottom. 

Focalors stepped forward, and inserted her notes into the slot. The delegates watched in stunned amazement, many of them glancing at the Russians, Poles, and Germans. Surely one of them would protest. 

But none of them did, instead, all watched with quiet anticipation. The scales shone with power, and one side tipped down. A moment later, a glowing card emerged from the slot, and flew into Focalor’s hands. 

According to the Judgement of the Oratrice Mécanique d'Analyse Cardinale, the Tsaritsa is…Guilty! 

That didn’t really surprise anyone. Even the Tsaritsa simply narrowed her eyes and thinned her lips, listening with cold fury.  

As such, my judgment is this: The new border has already been established by the Storm Range. Parts of Belarus claimed by the Tsaritsa are now ceded to Poland formally, as is all of Kaliningrad, which shall be renamed to Konigsberg, to be overseen by the Knights of Favonius as their sovereign territory. The Tsaritsa will also pay reparations to the people of Poland, Lithuania, Free Ukraine, and Latvia. 

“And what of Estonia, Finland, and other territories seized by force by the Tsaritsa?” Grandmaster Cookie asked.

Estonia is the Tsaritsa’s by right of conquest, as are the rest of the Baltic states seized in war. She will be required to treat them as her lawful subjects, with the same rights and privileges before the Law as all others, Focalors said, though she sounded rather subdued for once. 

They are my Beloved Subjects. Of course I shall treasure them as I do the rest of my children, the Tsaritsa said, speaking for the first time. 

Quite. Finland is a separate matter and will be adjudicated as such. Court is adjourned for the day!  With the bang of the gavel, Focalors dismissed the court, and the audience rose. Many were subdued, and a few gave remarks to the press as they left. 

“Truly, we live in an age of gods and monsters,” the Czech Prime Minister told the reporters. “I am grateful that Czechia finds itself in the lands claimed by Barbados, and not by another. For what can men do when gods go to war?” 

It was on that sobering thought that the first day of the conference came to a conclusion. The Archons hosted a single gala, with Keiga the Hydro Dragon acting as Mistress of Ceremonies. A great many heads of state and dignitaries attended, though to their disappointment, the Archons sequestered themselves and were not seen by any others save their closest retainers. 

Many wondered: What deals were being cut behind closed doors? What fates of mortals were the gods deciding? And what doom awaited them on the next day?

“And with that, my darling La Signora strikes the final blow, defeating your pathetic Clorinde!” Bronya gloated, gesturing dramatically at the gameboard. 

“Oh, darn it,” Furina said, tossing down her cards in exasperation. “My Fortress of Meropide didn’t do anything again!” 

Bronya smiled, an actual smile instead of her usual cold grimaces. “You appear to have constructed your deck for flavor, rather than power. I can assist  you with improving it if you like, though there is another here far more skilled than I…”

Over at the other table, Nahida stood up on her chair, rattled the dice, then tossed them in the box with a happy little jump and a grin. The dice came to rest, and her eyes sparkled with delight. “Hmm, it appears I did not get enough dice to fell you, Lord Beezelbul.”

“It is Ei,” the Shogun said, a small smile on her lips. “However, I do notice you have an unplayed card in your hand.”

“I do! I play Strategize to draw two cards from my deck!” Nahida said eagerly. “Excellent! I use The Starry Skies Their Flowers Rain! With that, my Nilou is able to create two Bountiful Cores! I attack, and when my turn ends, your Yae Miko will take 4 damage! That is game!” 

“A most well fought battle. The victory is yours,” Ei said, giving Nahida a seated bow, which made her blush. 

“I-I just got lucky and drew the right cards,” Nahida stammered. 

Venti laughed, leaning back in his chair. “I think the trick is to make sure the right cards are in your deck in the first place! With that, you’re completely undefeated tonight, Nahida. Congratulations!” 

The others all clapped, and Nahida hid her face behind her hands, sitting back down in her chair in embarrassment. “S-sorry, um, b-but it’s almost my bedtime…I have to be going soon…”

“You have a bedtime?” Bronya said with a sneer, crossing her legs and leaning back in her chair. 

“Yes, as this body is modeled after a young child, plenty of rest is important, especially with such a momentous day ahead of us,” Nahida said soberly.

Furina nodded, though she didn’t feel tired at all herself. “Yes, I hope I didn’t do too badly today…that was my first time presiding over a court of gods…”

“You are by far the most worthy. I would have accepted no other, not even Morax,” Bronya huffed, which made Furina feel much better. How strange that she would take comfort from the Tsaritsa’s worlds. 

“Yes, you did well. And your mortals performed admirably, Venti, Bronya,” Ei said with a sober nod. “I hope my own can accomplish their tasks with equal competence two days hence.”

“Yes, Yeleniza managed not to botch things too badly,” Bronya sighed. She glanced at Furina, eyes narrowed. “I accept your judgement, Furina, even if I do not enjoy it. As the one who defied Heaven and saved her people, you alone are worthy to render Justice upon my actions.”

“Yes, well…I am afraid there will be more to follow. And…and a private sentencing later. One I will take no pleasure in,” Furina said quietly, and the mood sobered dramatically. After a moment, she shuddered and forced a laugh. “But that is not what tonight is about! Good night, Nahida, sleep well. Now, for the rest of you, how about a game of Charades? My family and I adore playing it!” 

The world probably wasn’t ready to know the matters of gods. They were far too silly.