The Second Archon War: Chapter 174 (Patreon)

Imperitrix Umberosa 22: To Know How to Speak

Talking in the Archon Babysitters Club Group Chat (Owner: ImNotEddie)

Members:

AngyBirb: HOLY SHIT WTF JUST HAPPEND?! Like srsly is the abyss even that big a deal!??!?!? like the twerp and me crushed it pretty easy

ImNotEddie: thats cause you got an easy one kid

TideStar: The one in New Moscow was quite alarming. Even with two Archons, myself, and that Yankee, it was quite challenging. Many died.

AngyBirb: IM NOT A FUCKING KID!!!

FlowerDragon: I think ours was a lot easier, Ziz, because we had three of us, and Nahida. Plus, all the fatui. Even then, a lot of people died, and Nahida and I had to really work hard to cleanse the corruption. Couldn’t you feel it? It was unlike anything I had ever experienced before. 

AngyBirb: im just that good lol don’t forget what i am u all used 2 b afraid of me the abyss is just another thing for me 2 crush. we should be more worried about that american bitch.

ImNotEddie: remind me which of us got spanked by the “twerp” and which of us made both your brothers their bitch

AngyBirb: u wanna talk old man or u wanna fucking fight?

TideStar: Dear, be nice to Ziz, she’s very young still. 

ImNotEddie: yeah sorry kid. but look, the abyss is that big a deal. if the NEET and her buddies are taking this seriously, we should to

AngyBirb: ugh fine. but wtf r we supposed 2 do?!? how the fuck am i supposed 2 emancipate america or some shit if theyre exiled or watevs

 FlowerDragon: I’m not sure. We’ll need to carefully research this subject and deliberate on a course of action. I think it best we consult with our Archons, then have a formalized meeting ourselves. I can propose a few calendar dates. How does the 2nd of September work for everyone?

ImNotEddie: gotta talk to my people but I think I can be free then

AngyBirb: we just had a meeting! we need 2 DO something!!!!!!!

TideStar: That is an excellent idea, Tessa! I’ll talk with Furina and Focalors. They’ve already created some countermeasures, so I think we can come up with a broad spectrum plan that will address the new situation. The 2nd works for me. 

MadamButterfly: Sup fuckers guess what I just did

Everyone is typing…

ImNotEddie:  oh this is gonna be good. popcorn.gif

 FlowerDragon: Farasha, why?! We need to carefully consider things before undertaking such a rash action!

TideStar: We really should act as a unified group, Farasha, not go off half cocked. Please explain what you have undertaken. 

AngyBirb: XD XD XD oh alexandria is gonna b PISSED 

MadamButterfly: Is nobody gonna guess!? You guys are just no fun :( don’t tell them Ziz I want them to guess it’s more fun :)))))

ImNotEddie: im gonna guess it involved setting somethin on fire

TideStar: You didn’t kill anyone, right? You’re supposed to be rebirth not death!

 FlowerDragon: She just burned up several US government telecommunications satellites

MadamButterfly: ah fuck I should have said no telling to tessa too you’re a spoilsport you know that, right Tessa :((((((( also they were spy satellites

ImNotEddie: ok, i can see the logic in that, but you’re gonna have to explain to me if we’re going to war with the yankees or not right this second. my guys are ready and all but we’d need to run it past the NEET and get cookie on board. maybe the ice bitch too.

AngyBirb: give me 5 nd ill have a list of the others we should destroy

TideStar: Hold on, this is a clear act of war, and one that could severely hurt people in many countries. The world relies on those telecommunications satellites to stay connected. It would be unjust to destroy them simply to spite the Yankees. 

MadamButterfly: hey my random violence phase is over 8^) this was carefully calculated violence :D See, I had a talk with my radish earlier and she said something that scared the piss out of even me

FlowerDragon: Oh, yes, I remember. I was going to bring that up on our September meeting as the first item on the agenda, but I guess you decided to take action.

MadamButterfly: fuck yes I did this isnt the time for committees this is the time for us to get our asses in gear before those yankee fuckheads fuck the world up again

ImNotEddie: explain for those of us who didn’t have breakfast with your daughter

MadamButterfly:  you should come over some time! don’t worry, I make my hubby cook so you won’t get poisoned XDDDD

TideStar: Yes, what did Nahida have to say?

FlowerDragon: Essentially, Nahida explained that the Enemy is a memetic threat. That is, it spread via information and knowledge. To the point that even knowing the name is dangerous. 

MadamButterfly: yeah you gotta voldemort that shit

ImNotEddie: what?

TideStar: I am unfamiliar with this term. Can you explain?

AngyBirb: fuck ur old she means harry potter u cant say voldemorts name u gotta say he who must not be named or he puts a curse on you or something its like candleja-

ImNotEddie: oh, ok yeah that tracks with what i saw when i was cleaning shikotan

MadamButterfly: rofl baby girl, you know im the same age as mushu, right?

AngyBirb: yeah but ur cool

MadamButterfly: fuck yeah i am B^)

TideStar: Can we please focus? Tessa, just how severe is the memenatic threat, and what does it have to do with Farasha destroying several telecommunications satellites?

MadamButterfly: *spy satellites ◔_◔

FlowerDragon: It’s memetic, and it’s quite severe, I’m afraid. I am very concerned that it could infect the global telecommunications system and propagate that way, especially as a sort of internet virus. An info hazard of this nature is extremely hard to contain. Additionally, it could potentially infect the internet itself, as well as the hardware that hosts it. 

MadamButterfly: yap yap yap you got that list of targets yet ziz?

AngyBirb: yeah but should we just destroy all the satellites and stuff? losing PHQ and the internet would super suck but better people be free than get brainworms or whatever. i got experience with this shit and even my songs cant clease the abyss. sorry. i asked the bum and he just said i can treat people but not cure it

ImNotEddie: so this is an internal security measure then. got it. k, we take the satellites down and shut down the web. the NEET will bitch and moan she can’t play her online games and shit but she’ll understand. 

FlowerDragon: We can’t just take down the entire global telecommunications network! That’s where my siblings live! I at least have to warn Ajaw!

AngyBirb: fuck that little shit head no ud ont

FlowerDragon: Ziz, I’m deeply hurt you would say that. My brother might not have physical form, but he is sapient. I know you two get into trolling matches on PHQ, but you need to be mature about this. This is my brother. I love him just as deeply as you do your own siblings, even if he can be somewhat abrasive. 

AngyBirb: yeah sorry he just pisses me off

ImNotEddie: kid, you gotta learn to keep that temper in check. as a guy who used to spend all his time roided out and pissed at the world, that aint a healthy way to live. i know your still a kid and all but just because youre the dragon of emancipation dont mean your free to run your mouth. 

AngyBirb: yeah k whatever dad

ImNotEddie: call me uncle mushu. and if you ever need to talk, me and farasha understand where your at. dont tell me we dont, we do.  i wernt and endbringer, but i was a big time gangster and i killed a lot of people and busted a lot of legs. and farasha was the next best thing to an endbringer. no offense.

MadamButterfly: ;) none taken

AngyBirb: K. thx i guess

TideStar: What about undersea cables? There has been talk of stopping maritime trade, but if information itself is a hazard, we will need to sever that as well. Can the global network hold together without that?

FlowerDragon: OK, I have formulated a solution. It’s rough and we will need to work out the kinks, but I talked with Amiya and she says that she can help on that end. 

TideStar: How do the leporidians factor into this?

FlowerDragon: Sorry, sorry, let me back up. We’re going to need to recreate the network separately so that people don’t lose access to important websites and services. I can make an entire backup copy. Um, well, I will in about…ten minutes? Anyway, we create back ups all the important data. I’m already talking with Ajaw and trying to get him to cooperate.  But, with the important data and systems preserved, we then take down the undersea cables and telecommunications satellites. We really should run this by the Archons…but the only one who even remotely begins to understand modern technology is Nahida, and she would probably feel very guilty about greenlighting this, so I recommend against consulting her. 

AngyBirb: IDK the bums socials r fucking hilarious i think he gets the internet

ImNotEddie: nah greentwink is an internet troll even worse than ajaw is. and yeah no point in talking to the NEET. you think yours understands this web shit hon?

TideStar: Furina insists on writing everything longhand because a typewriter is “too modern”, so I am afraid consulting her on the economic and societal impact of taking down the internet and global telecommunications is a bit beyond her grasp at this point in time. It might be beyond mine. I didn’t even graduate from college. We are all very young to be making these sorts of decisions, aren’t we? You are Farasha are only 27, and you’re the oldest.

AngyBirb: im like a couple hundred years old if you count all the samsaras 

ImNotEddie: yeah no. im gonna trust tessas guts on this one since she’s basically the singularity. 

MadamButterfly: as the elder bitch i approve of this plan as long as i get to blow shit up :DDDD

FlowerDragon: Give me another hour to ensure I have all essential data stored and that Ajaw has made a copy of essential non-american systems for my dad, then I will give each of us a list of priority targets. 

AngyBirb: u just wanna make sure all ur wow characters dont get deleted lol

MadamButterfly: rofl

FlowerDragon: World of Warcraft is an important landmark in video game history, and a culturally important work of art! While I may have a personal stake in its continued survival, preserving it is the same as it would be to preserve the Mona Lisa, or Michelangelo’s Pieta! So yes, I am preserving WoW on a cloned server, along with all other video games! There will also be disconnected physical backups on Dalnim so that even should the Abyss corrupt digital media here on Earth Bet, the art humanity has created will still be preserved! 

ImNotEddie: kek your little sis has your number tessa

FlowerDragon: Oh my gosh, do you play too, Mushu!? What server!? Why didn’t you tell me! Which faction!? I have characters of each faction on every serve, but my favorite are the RP servers. Not as much PVP RP, but I really like to immerse myself in the lore. If you just want to run some raids, that’s fun too! I have maxed characters on a few servers but I really think the essential WoW experience is in the journey, not merely the destination.

AngyBirb: nerd

MadamButterfly: (⌐⊙nn⊙)

ImNotEddie: nah but i know kek is some wow meme. anyway send over the targets and we’ll take care of it. ill pass the word quietly to our allies that we’re pulling the plug so they can be ready, top level need to know stuff, so like, cookie, nori, and a couple others. 

FlowerDragon: Oh my gods I am so sorry!!! My face is so red right now, I’m so embarrassed! I just got a little over excited and I’m really nervous about this, sorry!!

TideStar: No, it was sweet. I used to play Maplestory, perhaps I could give WoW a try now that I’m going to be on dry land more. It would be fun to play with you.

Flowerdragon uploaded a file. 

FlowerDragon: I have characters on Maplestory too! I play with Nahida sometimes, but she doesn’t like killing anything, so we usually just chat and try on cute outfits. Gaia Online is more her speed. Anyway, backup complete. We should hold off on executing the plan until our allies are fully informed. I have a detailed breakdown of which satellites and cables should be destroyed, and where. I also attached a timetable, so that we deploy this in a careful and controlled fashion, and we- FARASHA WHAT THE FUCK I WASN’T EVEN FINISHED TYPING AND I TYPE AT SPEEDS FASTER THAN YOU THINK

MadamButterfly: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

ImNotEddie: executing

TideStar: Commencing operation. It will take me some time to clear all the Atlantic cables. I will update you when I am finished. 

AngyBirb: bet i take out more than u farasha

MadamButterfly: ur on

FlowerDragon: Sigh. At least I finished all the backups. Ajaw is not going to be happy we didn’t follow the time table. 

ImNotEddie: little jerk was born unhappy, dont sweat it. 

For the first time since Makoto had died, Ei knew fear. It was not a pleasant sensation. She had seen echoes of this threat, heard the distant rumbles of her terror in future storms, but now that it was here, she felt physically ill. She wanted to exorcise her fear with swift, immediate action. Using her blade and lightning to obliterate all that would threaten her daughters. Failing that, she wanted to scoop up Ami and Dalnim and take them to the Plane of Euthymia and never depart. She would need no one else but them. They could exist as a triune god for the rest of Eternity, safely locked away from this False Sustainer and his demon beasts. 

But that would crush Ami, who was as yet, at least partly mortal. It would stifle Dalnim, who had chosen to show herself to the world as the Moon every night. And, it would devastate Ei herself. She could not abandon Japan. She could not close her eyes and retreat into grief and sorrow again. It would not have been what Makoto wanted. It was no longer what Ei herself wanted. It was infuriating. It made her feel physically ill, and she had constructed her body to have no such wants or needs. 

So instead, she sat with her peers. Her friends. And Ei grieved and worried. 

“They’ll be fine,” Venti said, giving Ei’s shoulder a light squeeze and setting a glass of some fizzy mixed drink in front of Ei. “Your daughters are strong. Tough. Trained by the very best. They’ll defeat Scion’s monsters and be hailed as heroes. Maybe Ami will even ascend thanks to her victory.”

Ei nodded, tears blurring her vision, and picked up the drink and downed it. Normally, she detested alcohol. Today, she meekly handed her empty glass to her oldest friend, Morax, aside. Venti just got her another drink.

“It’s going to be OK,” Furina said, and gave Ei a fierce hug. “You can cry. It’s just us. No one else can see. It’s OK, even for gods to cry. I do.”

Ei did cry. More than cry, she wept. Her whole body shaking, snot flowing from her nose, her breath coming in stitches. 

Buer held her hand, giving it a tight squeeze as she shed her own tears in sympathy. “It’s OK. Fear and grief are normal, natural. I’m scared too. I’m sure Ami and Dalnim are as well. Let them know it’s OK to be scared, but that they can be brave as well.

“I will send my Prince and my Hero to train with them,” Bronya vowed. “Every day. We work your daughters to the bone. Beat battle into their hearts until it is all that remains. Then, they crush those abominations! You will make them weapons, fine ones, the very best. Whatever resources you need, I will give you. I have the body of the other usurper, the one called Eden. You can have as much of it as you need.”

“I…I have never felt this way,” Ei admitted when her tears finally stopped. “Not even…not even about Makoto, or when I was forced to slay Mikoshi Chiyo. “I…I do not understand. Why…why does it hurt so much? My…my daughters yet live. Is this an evil premonition?”

“Only a mother’s love. I feel the same for my Kollei,” Bronya said, handing Ei a handkerchief, and Furina nodded. 

“Yes. I was so, so scared for Diane when Iron Mask threatened her…I thought was going to throw up. I cried into Yennifer’s arms every night until she was safe. But I didn’t break. And neither will you, Ei. It’s going to be alright.”

“No. It will not,” Ei snarled, her fingers curling into fists. “It will never be alright, so long as the False Sustainer exists. And the Yankees! They tread further into folly! We must figure out how to handle this!”

“Already taken care of, Boss.”

Ei looked up to see Mushu scamper in, having taken on his adorable chibi form. Ei was a bit surprised by that, as he normally detested it. But Mushu darted up her let and onto her shoulder, taking the hankie and wiping away Ei’s tears. “Just came to report in. The Dragons have handled it.”

“I noticed,” Nahida said quietly, and a tear trickled down her still wet and stained cheeks. “So much knowledge lost…even with what Tessa did to preserve it…but you were wise to do as you did, Lord Mushu. I apologize for my mother’s overexuberance. But she greatly fears the Americans and the Abyss, and what it could do to myself and my siblings.”

“Yeah, I’m concerned about Bailu too,” Mushu said with a nod. “But I wanted to keep y’all in the loop. And see how the Chief was holding up. Shit, look, Ami and Dalnim are tough. They’ll kick those bitches asses and we’ll soldier on.”

Ei took Mushu off her should and hugged him tightly, making him gasp and squeak slightly. Then he calmed and hugged her back. “Thank you,” she whispered. 

“That’s why ya pay me. Now, how are y’all gonna handle this? And I don’t just mean the Twins. I mean…all this. We cut off communications, but the Abyss is on our doorstep. The Americans are either in a hot war with us, or gettin’ ready to have one. And, well, there’s the big golden asshole.”

“We have plans, dragon. Do not fear,” Bronya said coldly.

Ei nodded. “Yes. We will deal with the Sustainer. Soon.”

“Fuck off. That kept in the dark and fed on bullshit stuff works for the grunts, but in case you hadn’t noticed, you got five dragons now, and-”

“Six,” Bronya said, looking smug. 

“I- beg pardon?” Mushu managed. 

“He has not finished his ascendancy yet, Kollei has turned over the gnosis. I initially considered it folly to not keep it for myself, but as I must soon rest again, and Kollei has become her own god…I see the wisdom in forming your own pantheon,” Bronya said with a grimace. “At the very least, I must maintain force parity with the rest of you.”

“We’re on the same team, Bronya,” Venti said tiredly. “I hope you understand that, now.”

Bronya shot Venti a venom-filled look. “For now. But yes. I will work with you. We cooperated against Celestia to a degree. More will be required here. So do not simply watch the next time battle takes place. Or it will be more than my dignity and Ei’s daughters who suffer.”

“First, the Yankees,” Ei said, her eyes flashing and thunder rumbling in the distance. “We cannot invade. Very well. Explain what you have done.”

Mushu laid it out, and Ei instantly grasped the concept. “Good. Disrupting the enemy’s communications is vital. You have done well. This will also help curb the spread of the Abyss.”

“We did leave two cables,” Mushu said. “The Americans ain’t cut off completely, the pipe’s just smaller. Theresa’s taken direct control of it as well, along with her annoying little shit of a brother. We can pass along important diplomatic messages, but the infection vector will be limited.”

“And a way for us to gather information on them. Good. I will be deploying agents on American soil. I suggest you all do the same. Not direct war, but the Sustainer did say there should be conflict. A shadow war would fit that perfectly,” Bronya said.

“Yes. I have Shuumatsuban in place in Yankee cities already. Their efforts will redouble,” Ei nodded.

“Isn’t there another way? I…I know I’m young, and inexperienced,” Furina stammered, looking flustered. “But, surely it need not be war! They’re just…scared. Can’t we win them over with diplomacy? If we can sway American hearts and minds, that will only be to our benefit, and if we cut off all contact, how can we hope to do so?”

“Diplomacy is not my craft,” Ei said with a shake of her head. “What I know is war. I am not of the Heirs of Xbalanque, but it is my craft as well.”

“War is the failure of diplomacy, and the first result only of fools,” Nahida said with a shake of her head. “Even you have tried other methods, Ei. We must pursue others. Please, give Furina and Venti more time.”

“And you, Nahida,” Venti chuckled. “But yes. I’ll have to pick up my pen and write some truly extraordinary verse. You as well, Furina. That movie you're working on is promising. Perhaps you could tour in America? They don’t know who you are yet. You performing Les Misérables on Broadway might make a difference in the minds of many wayward mortals.”

“I, well, I mean, I’m only a moderately talented thespian. I’m not the god of actors,” Furina stammered. 

“Soft power is as real as hard power, and cuts even deeper. Do not underestimate your skills, or their effect,” Bronya said. “But I am like Ei. War is what I know, and what I shall pursue. Mine is a war in the shadows, but a war nonetheless.”

“But we must meet again, and more frequently. These conferences should become more frequent. Here, in Geneva? At least once every three years, or when another of us arrives,” Nahida suggested.

“As always, a wise plan, Nahida,” Ei agreed. “It shall be so.”

“Who shall be next, do you think?” Venti mused. “That old stone, or the flame in the dark?” 

“Who knows,” Bronya said with a shrug. “Or even where they shall appear.”

Ei privately hoped it was Morax. She missed him. Hadn’t realized she missed him until recently. But she did. He was her…friend. And she feared she had hurt him badly. But she didn’t know how to make it right…

“Um, I…I might be able to find out,” Furina said, biting her lip. 

Ei fixed her gaze on Furina, as did the others, and the Hydro Archon blushed. “I, um, I saw the Pyro Archon, in a vision. The timing…I’m not sure. But there’s a seer in France. I can ask her.”

Ei nodded, and the others made sounds of understanding. 

“Then there is time. I must find a way to make things right with Morax, if he does appear in the Broken Land. It has echos of Liyue, now that I look,” Ei remarked. 

“Ah. Um, about that…” Furina winced. “I…I might need…to Judge you. Um, I-I have a Chinese friend…and she wants to press a suit.”

“Ah.” Ei considered that, then glanced at Mushu. “Would that work?”

“Would what work?” Mushu asked, frowning at her. 

“If I were to be judged…could we repair the Broken Land? Could…could I be friends with Morax still?” Ei asked timidly.

“Shit, woman, I don’t know the man! But, yeah, an olive branch like that ain’t a bad idea. Those two brats are still in China, you know. Might could ask them. Or get Noriko to do her economic voodoo.”

“What brats?” Bronya asked, frowning.

“The Travelers,” Ei stated, and Bronya’s eyes immediately glowed.

“Oh? Then already…yes, my visions shall come to pass. Tell me more,” Bronya said eagerly.

“I have heard of these Travelers, but I did not meet the Fourth Descender,” Nahida said curiously. “What can you tell me of them?”

Ei talked of her experiences with her own Lumine, and the one she had met here. It was…comforting. She ate, she drank, she talked. Things she normally did. Well, not the talking. But she did them with friends. It…helped. She felt a little better.

But on the morrow, she would take Bronya up on her offer. And she would train her daughters endlessly, until the day of their battle arrived. They would not fall for lack of skills, nor from lack of weapons.

And one day, she would kill the False Sustainer. No matter the cost. 

Author’s Note:

This is as close to a PHQ chapter as you are ever getting.