The Second Archon War: Imperatrix Umberosa 22 (Patreon)

Imperatrix Umberosa 22: My Otaku Emperor Can’t Be This Cute

Crouched under the table, her tail lashing back and forth as she glared at the back of her prey’s head. Slowly, silently, she stalked forward. Even in this new form, she was a sleek, silent huntress, able to take any prey unawares. She was nearly in range, when she would leap forward and strike, taking down her prey and-

“Child, if you continue to slink about on this floor, you are going to get your garments utterly filthy. And I shall not be doing additional laundry,” the woman who looked like her maman said, eyes not moving away from the TV, where she was watching some weird show in a language that sounded a bit like French, but everyone was always moving their hands about all crazy. 

Sniffing, Diane stood up and sauntered over, flopping onto the couch across from the stranger and glaring at her, tail lashing back and forth. The stranger continued to ignore her, eating more popcorn, eyes glued to the very boring weird show. 

“You’re not my maman,” Diane finally pronounced, feeling proud of herself as she dropped the revelation like one of her real maman’s lines on stage. 

“Goodness, no. I’m your grand-mère, dear,” the stranger said, finally looking away from the show and smiling at Diane. She snapped her fingers, and the television shut off, making Diane jump slightly. 

“You don’t look like my grand-mère,” Diane said suspiciously, cocking her head to one side. “You look like maman.”

“No? Well, I do believe she takes after me when I was her age,” the supposed grand-mère chuckled. There was a twinkle in her eyes, and Diane’s tail swayed back and forth in anticipation. “But I think I can prove our relations, my dear. Do you know what grand-mères do to their only granddaughter?”

“Cook her and eat her?” Diane guessed, baring her fangs threateningly. 

“Spoil them rotten! O-hohoho!” Grand-mère reached over and tickled Diane, making her gasp and squeal with delight. 

“Now then, I suppose I can finish Un Posto al Sole some other time. Now, what say you we take a trip to the grocery store, and buy as many sweets as you want?” Grand-mère asked.

“No!” Diane said, missing the look of irritation on her grand-mère’s face as she bounced up and off the couch. “We must buy ingredients instead! And I don’t like sweets, I’m a cat! We can’t taste sweets, that’s what Charlotte says.”

“Oh really?” Grand-mère went over to the freezer and got out some of maman’s ice cream. “Come here, child.” 

Diane went over, and grand-mère gave her a spoonful. “Can you taste that?”

“Yes, it’s yummy! I changed my mind, we need to make ICE CREAM!” Diane declared, raising her head. “WITH STRAWBERRIES AND BLUEBERRIES AND ALL KINDS OF STUFF!” 

“Mmm, I am fond of ice cream, but I do believe that we should make something to go with it,” Grand-mère mused. 

“Yeah?!” Diane asked, her tail whisking back and forth vigorously now, practically vibrating with anticipation. 

That twinkle was back in grand-mère’s eyes. “Tell me, do you think you could manage a cake, my dear?” 

“YES I WILL MAKE THE MOST DELICIOUSEST CAKE EVER!” Diane cheered, leaping across the room right into grand-mère’s arms. 

Grand-mère laughed that silly laugh of hers again and rubbed her nose on Diane’s, which made the little girl giggle. “Then let us be off! Before we go, tell me, what gave me away, child? We sent Charlotte off so she wouldn’t realize we’d made the swap.”

“You smell different, and you walk different, and you don’t watch the same TV shows that maman does. Also, you called me child. Maman never does that,” Diane sniffed.

“Ah.” Grand-mère hesitated, then chuckled. That laugh sounded much more real. “Well, I am afraid I am out of practice. Furina is the gifted actor between us. It seems I shall need to refine my skills if I wish to fool the world. It shall be necessary, however. Hmmm.”

Suddenly, it was like Maman replaced grand-mère! The way she held herself changed, even her scent shifted!

“And what about now, Diane?” Grand-mère, or was it Maman? Asked, kneeling down before Diane. 

“That’s a lot better, but you still smell kinda different. Can we get the ingredients for cake and ice cream now?”

“Why, of course! Anything for my wonderful and sweet granddaughter,” Grand-mère laughed, the funny oh-ho-ho laugh, back to herself again. “Come along, dear! We must first locate a recipe. But I think that can be remedied on our shopping trip. Furina gave me some funds for an emergency, and is not keeping ourselves fed and entertained the direst of circumstances?”

“Yeah! Ice cream is an emergently!” Diane agreed, and the two of them departed for the supermarket. There, they found a cookbook, which indeed had a recipe for ice cream and a cake.

 They didn’t have all the tools, but grand-mère assured Diane she could create fact-smiles. “This hydro vision isn’t just for show, you know.”

After that, they walked back home. Or rather, grand-mère walked at a dignified pace, while Diane scampered about in frantic excitement, talking so quickly about her various plans for making cake and ice cream that even her grand-mère couldn’t completely understand her. 

Then they arrived home, where Diane put on her chef’s uniform, along with the special hat she’d gotten at Disneyland. Grand-mère made herself a set of clothes from hydro, along with a cute blue neckerchief for Diane.

“Alright~!” Diane said, planting her hands on her hips and grinning widely. “Let’s cook!” 

“I’ll be right back!” Charlotte called, slamming the door of the car behind her as she raced up the stairs towards the apartment, no time for the elevator. She took the stairs three at a time, and even she was puffing hard by the time she made it up to the right level. She dashed to the door, and flung it open. “Hey, I’m home, sorry I forgot some- WOAH!” 

Diane and Furina, both dressed in chef’s uniforms and covered head to toe in some sort of batter, jumped and spun around. The kitchen, no, the entire apartment, looked like something had exploded. Charlotte leaned over and swiped her finger over some of the gunk, then stuck it in her mouth. Cake batter?

“Oh, erm, Charlotte! I, ah, I thought you’d left to go to Cannes with Barbara,” Furina said, sounding nervous and rather embarrassed. 

“Well, I was, but I forgot the lenses for my camera in my room. We hadn’t even left yet, it’s not even been two hours. But what on Earth have you two been doing?!” Charlotte demanded. 

Her ever exuberant sister/niece jumped up on the batter coated counter. “GRAND-MERE AND I, um, I mean, MAMAN AND I WERE-”

Instantly, Charlotte’s reporter sense tingled, and her head snapped over to Furina, who tried to play it off as Diane babbled some nonsense about making a cake with a ‘super Austria pneumonia reaction.’ 

“Well, grab your lens, Charlotte. Don’t worry about it, I’ll have it all cleaned up before you and your sister get back,” Furina said, snapping her fingers and summoning those hydro constructs of hers, which began to busy themselves with cleaning up the mess. 

Charlotte turned on her Elemental Vision. Bingo. 

“You’re not Furina! You’re Focalors!” Charlotte cried, pointing an accusatory finger at the other woman. “So that’s what you’re doing! I knew something was up during the peace conference! Trying to get rid of me for a few days, huh?!”

“Oh bother,” Focalors groaned, and dropped the affectation. She might look like Furina, but they were nothing alike if you paid attention to body language, inflection, and mannerisms. “Child, I was simply attempting to spend some quality time with my granddaughter, if you must know.”

“And conspiring to destroy our apartment!” Charlotte accused, stepping through the splatters of batter. “Just who are you, Focalors?!” 

“My grand-mère! Now help us clean up, Charlotte!” Diane demanded. 

“Don’t you understand!? She’s the former Hydro Archon!” Charlotte said, pointing at Focalors, who had gone to the fridge and gotten herself a bottle of wine instead of doing any work. 

Diane cocked her head to one side, her expression confused. 

“Furina is the Hydro Archon!” Charlotte prompted. 

“No, she’s maman,” Diane huffed. 

“She can be both!” Charlotte argued. “How do you think you became a girl instead of a cat?!”

“I am still a cat, and a girl. And I just wanted to,” Diane sniffed. “If you don’t help us clean up, I’m telling on you!” 

“Diane, this is serious! You should be reacting more to this revelation,” Charlotte argued, squatting down in front of Diane as she busied herself making a bigger mess with the broom. 

“Child, she is quite young. You are wasting your time there,” Focalors chuckled, pouring herself some wine and sipping from the glass. “Mmm, I have missed this. Ah, shoo, you little seahorse! No, you get back to work. I want this place scrubbed clean. I shall make some adjustments to the mixer, then we shall try again.”

Charlotte’s phone buzzed. It was Barbara, down in the car, asking where she was.

“Fine! I’m going to Cannes. But this is going in my exposé!” Charlotte called as she stood and dashed to get her camera lenses.

“Yes, yes. Have fun, child. No exposés until after my daughter reveals herself,” Focalors said. She stopped Charlotte at the door, and to her surprise, the dead god gave her a hug and a kiss on the top of her head. It felt…well, rather nice, coming from a possessed hydro puppet. “Take care of yourself. I consider you my honorary granddaughter, after all. Do you have your toiletries? Funds?”

“Y-y-y-Yes, it’s fine, bye!” Charlotte said, turning away and hoping the dead god hadn’t seen her blush, and scampered off to the car, where Barbara was waiting in the back, and Lepine-Pauline was waiting up front. 

“You’ll never believe what happened!” Charlotte panted as she returned. “They blew up a cake!” 

“Oh, Diane and Furina and cooking?” Barbara asked absently.

Charlotte very nearly spilled it all, but Lepine was there, so instead, she just said, “It was some sort of hydro construct mixer. It went wild and made a huge mess. I snapped some pictures.”

“Ooo, I want to see! Your niece is adorable!” Lepine-Pauline called, looking into the rearview mirror at Charlotte. 

“Later. We’ve got work to do when we get to Geneva,” Charlotte said, rubbing her hands together. “That’s where the Archons are. This is going to be the story of the CENTURY! I don’t care if God may or may not be my grand-mère! No way is the Crystalline Truth staying away! Everyone has their passports, right?!”

“Don’t worry, boss, I got mine!” Pauline promised. “Um, I am getting paid for this, right? Because, er, we might have to buy gas, and I’m sort of broke again…”

“Barbs is funding the expedition,” Charlotte said, and grinned at her friend.

Barbara sighed and got out her wallet. “Someday, your reporting better turn a massive profit, Lotte.”

“The Truth is its own reward! Onwards!”

They made it about half a kilometer out of Paris before Lepine-Pauline’s old beater of a car broke down. They had to call Jeanne, who had the car towed, and bought them train tickets to Cannes. Charlotte pouted the entire way there. Then forgot everything when Lepine-Pauline stumbled across a human trafficking ring (by nearly getting human trafficked herself). Unfortunately for the traffickers and fortunately for mankind at large, Charlotte and Barbara were both Vision Holders and managed to rescue their friend. Then did the sensible thing and called Jeanne, who had trustworthy capes there within the hour. Charlotte spent the rest of her “vacation” writing an in-depth expose on the ring and helping investigate and expose the criminals and government officials involved.

It was her best “vacation” ever. 

Focalors did manage to get the apartment cleaned up, and by that, it is understood she had Furina’s Salon Solitaire do all of the work. She managed to get the Arke-powered mixer to work properly without destroying the kitchen. However, she also learned the dangers of giving a five-year-old cat-girl a massive sugar high, and then an upset stomach. The apartment mostly survived, but they did need new curtains and drapes. 

Diane learned that her grand-mère was great, and the proper way to bake a cake, three improper ways to bake a cake, and also how to disable the fire alarm. She also learned that little girls who eat nothing but ice cream and cake have upset tummies. But since she was a little girl, she tried to do it again the next day.

Furina and Yennifer learned that they needed a new babysitter.

Growing up, Yukuaki’s life had been one of privilege that he largely resented. His great-grandfather had been the Showa emperor, and his grandmother Princess Hisa had married another Japanese nobleman. Her eldest son had been Yukuaki’s father, and his mother was of similar high birth. As their only child, Yukuaki had been the pride and joy of their life, he was sure.

Right up until he became a major disappointment. Yukuaki still remembered his father burning all his manga and idol CDs. He’d been ten at the time. 

He’d graduated from High School and gotten a degree in Finance from the University of Tokyo. Then he’d taken a ‘sabbatical year’ as his parents put it. Which was the year he’d locked himself in his room and played at being a Hikikomori. Nothing but writing for a whole year. Then he’d gone temporarily insane, and for the first time, cross-dressed in cosplay and snuck out of the house. 

It had been so liberating and so much fun. He’d always been a ‘pretty boy’ with delicate features and a slender frame. So with a bit of makeup and some padding, he’d made quite the fetching idol. He’d even gotten a job at a maid cafe. The owner had known he was a man, and hadn’t cared in the slightest, and neither had the customers. 

Then his father had caught him. That was the last time Yukuaki had seen his parents alive. His father yelling, his mother weeping. He’d insulted them both, taken a few possessions, and stormed out. Between his writing and his job as a singing maid, Yukuaki hadn’t done too badly for himself. 

Then his parents had died. Killed in a cape attack like their cousin the Emperor, though several years earlier. To Yukuaki’s shock, they hadn’t disinherited him, and he’d ended up incredibly wealthy. 

To his chagrin, he’d become responsible. He suddenly had a great deal of wealth and influence, and he’d done his best to use it well. He’d still moonlighted as an online web novelist while he managed the family business and other affairs during the day, using that finance degree at last. And, of course, on occasion, dressing up as a woman and going to conventions or even certain bars to sing. 

Even as he slaved away as at the head of his parents' financial empire and family duties, he’d dreamed of becoming an idol. 

Now he was the Emperor of Japan.

“Would that mom and dad could see me now,” he muttered, and finished applying his lipstick. He looked at himself in the mirror, and grinned. His now blue hair was in a pixie cut, and he had on a short skirt that showed off his stocking-clad legs. His bust and hips were padded to give him the right curves, and his blue top had plenty of ruffles and frills. 

“What would they say if they could see me?” Yukuaki chuckled to himself. 

“That you’re super sexy and ready to rock!” 

Yukuaki jumped, then glared over in the corner. “Hey! I was saving that for later!” 

Stelle, in her tanuki form, shrugged and kept eating the bag of snacks that Yukuaki had stuffed in his bag. “Yeah, but I’m hungry now. Besides, if you eat these you’ll get fat, and then you won’t look nearly as sexy.”

Grumbling under his breath, Yukuaki pinned his Vision on his blouse, then wiped away the frown and smiled brightly. “You think anyone will realize I’m the Emperor of Japan?”

“I mean, you smell the same, even with all that perfume on, so I don’t see how you can fool anyone,” Stelle said, transforming into a woman. Thankfully, she’d recently learned the trick of not losing her clothes when she did that. Not that she was unattractive, but the last thing Yukuaki needed was getting an erection before he went out on stage. 

“You have your own disguise? If anyone sees Mysterious Idol Fabulae with one of the Takuki Twins, eventually they’ll put two and two together and get Emperor Yukuaki,” he demanded, glaring at Stelle.

She grinned and produced an oversized Tinkertech gun, along with an orange jumpsuit and a raccoon mask. “I’m Rockette Racoon!”

“Please tell me that Clara did not make that for you,” Yukuaki groaned, scrubbing his face with his hand.

“Oh she totally did,” Stelle did, and aimed the oversized weapon, which began to glow and let out an ominous hum. “I haven’t tested it out yet, but-”

“Put that away before you kill someone!” Yukuaki gasped, jumping out of what he hoped was the blast radius.

“Fine, fine,” Stelle grumbled, and the gun dissolved into elemental energy, returning to her Electro Vision. She did still put on the mask and jumpsuit, which had a hole for her very real tail to poke out of. 

“Not like I really need a bodyguard anymore,” Yukuaki sighed, summoning his own blade for a moment and swishing it through the air. Ever since he’d obtained his vision, Ei had been merciless in training him on how to use it properly. Yukuaki would have begged out of it more often if it wasn’t painfully obvious that his god very much enjoyed spending time with her Emperor and teaching him the art of killing things with sharp objects. And despite himself, Yukuaki found that he rather enjoyed the workout and getting to know the Narukami Oshogo on a more personal level. 

These days, however, Ei was locked up on the plain of Euthymia, training her daughters in the art of death near endlessly. And when she wasn’t doing that, she was forging weapons and armor for Ami and Tsu to help them slay the Twins, whenever that confrontation took place. Yukuaki tended to think that the Raiden Sisters would obliterate the Endbringers, but he was still worried for his friends. 

And his nation. 

But tonight was about forgetting his worries and having some fun, as well as getting to know the people of Seoul a little better. And an excuse to attend POPCON 2005. 

 There was a knock at the door, and a voice called, “Fabulae, are you ready? It’s me, Yeon-hwa!”

“Come in, it’s open,” Yukuaki called, and the door swung open to reveal a grinning Korean woman with her hair bleached blonde with orange highlights. It was pulled back in a messy ponytail, and she had on a pair of red-rimmed glasses and was holding a clipboard. 

“Damn, girl you look super sexy!” Yeon-hwa laughed, doing a quick circle around Yukuaki. He blushed slightly, and kept his voice high and quiet. 

“Um, thank you, Ms. Yeon-hwa. I’m just grateful you were willing to let me perform…”

“We don’t get many Japanese idols, though that’s been changing recently! It’ll be good to mix things up. Speaking of which, I just wanted to share the good news with you! I watched your past performances on Dailymoton, and I rigged some quick pyrotechnics to give your show some real popop-BLAM, if you know what I mean!” 

“Explosives?” Stelle asked, and for a second, Yukuaki was worried his bodyguard was about to prevent him going on stage. 

He should have remembered who he was dealing with.

“That sounds sick!” Stelle said, lifting up her Rocket Raccoon mask and grinning. 

“I know, right!? I think I got the color scheme right to really complement your outfit, too!” Yeon-hwa said excitedly, and began to make adjustments to Yukuaki’s outfit, smoothing over folds and adjusting it to fit better. 

“M-Miss Yeon-hwa!” Yukuaki gasped, and reached to grab her arm, just before she touched something that had both of them freeze. Yukuaki’s breath left his body, and he met Yeon-hwa’s eyes, which had gone very wide. Oh fuck.

“W-well, um, i-it’s a very nice costume,” Yeon-hwa said, stepping back hastily and jerking her hand away. “You, er, make it yourself?”

Yukuaki nodded silently, heart pounding in his chest. It was all over, wasn’t it?

“Anyway, we’re having a party after, and you’re invited! I can introduce you to some cute guys, or, um, people like you, if you want,” Yeon-hwa stammered. “Anyway you’re on in ten, see you on stage!” 

Then she vanished, skipping out the door with a hum and a smile.

“I like her,” Stelle said, coming up beside Yukuaki. She was taller than he was, to his irritation, the stupid giant of a tanuki. Not that his short height hadn’t helped him, up until now. 

He just nodded, not sure what was going to happen. Was Yeon-hwa going to out him and ruin everything?

He waited five minutes, then had to get out to the stage as the previous performance, a relatively unknown K-Pop idol with a cult following similar to Mysterious Idol Fabulae’s. 

Then, he heard  Yeon-Hwa’s voice. “And, for the first time in Korea! She’s cute, she’s bubbly, and she’s blessed by the Hydro Archon to wash your blues away! Coming from Tokyo, it’s Mysterious Idol Fabulae!”

Yukuaki pranced on stage and started singing, his eyes lingering a bit too long on Yeon-Hwa, who was cheering along at the back with the technical crew. There was a larger audience than he was used to, with a lot of people coming out to support their various underground favorites, and see this new pop idol from Japan. Stelle was there at the back, jamming out with-

Oh shit. 

A large space had formed around Stelle and her two friends: a strawberry blonde woman with squinty eyes, and a brown haired caucasian…who had a bunny ear poking out from under her hat. What were Kroos and Amiya doing here?! 

Well, at least they seemed to be enjoying the show. Most of the audience wasn’t paying the leporidians or the tanuki girl much attention, and since they were doing idol cheers along with everyone else, no one seemed to be too suspicious. 

Still, Yukuaki gave his best performance yet, completing a full set, and forgetting that Stelle and the two moon rabbits were even there. He didn’t forget about Yeon-Hwa, but her pyrotechnics really did enhance the show. 

After finishing, Yukuaki bowed and the crowd cheered. Yeon-Hwa came up on stage and held his arm up. “Isn’t she just the cutest!? Don’t forget, Mysterious Idol Fabulae will be outside in the convention hall to sign her latest CD, Shattered Halberd!”

“Thank you, you’ve been a wonderful audience! Thank you for showing such support to a visitor from Japan!” Yukuaki said, and bowed again. 

He turned to go, only to come face to face with yet another leporidian, a nervous girl in an idol costume with blonde hair he had met just the other day at a diplomatic event.

“Sora?!” he gasped in shock. 

“Eh!? Emperor Yukuaki!?” the bunny girl gasped. Fortunately, she wasn’t mic’d, so the only people who heard had to be himself, Sora, and-

“AND NOW, A SPECIAL SURPRISE GUEST! Straight from the moon, in her first performance, she’s hopping to it and full of pep! SORA!” Yeon-Hwa cried without missing a beat. 

The crowd went wild as Sora hopped on stage, with Stelle summoning her massive gun waving it about like a maniac, while Kroos and Amiya jumped up and screamed. Oh. That was why they were here. That made sense. 

This was turning out to be a phenomenally bad idea. Yukuaki went to the hall to sign CDs, and sold more of them than he could have imagined. He was eventually joined by Stelle, and horror of horrors, Sora.

“What are you doing here!? And why are you dressed like that?!” Sora hissed at him.

“Shhh! We can talk later! How can you even tell it’s me?!” Yukuaki whispered back.

“You smell the same, duh! Ugh, you humans put on some makeup and new clothes and act like we shouldn’t recognize you! Dalnim does the same thing.”

“Wait, she does?!” Yukuaki hissed.

Sora blinked at him, then leaned back and gestured to her companion sitting beside her at the signing booth. Yukuaki had assumed it was one of the convention staff, with a ball cap, black shirt with white lettering that read 스태프  STAFF on it, a jean jacket that read GOLDEN after that K-Pop Demon Hunters movie that had just come out, and dark sunglasses.

Then Tsukoyomi lowered the shades, revealing violet eyes with irises like a full boon, and regarded Yukuaki impassively. “I enjoy attending conventions. Unlike my mother, I am much better at disguises.”

“...please tell me your sister isn’t here,” Yukuaki groaned. If Ami were here, she’d insist on performing together, and that would be the end of his anonymity. 

“No. She is in the Philippines, attending their convention and shooting a short film. Mother has given us three days' leave. Then we return to our task.” The moon god raised her glasses, and put on a pair of headphones, back to watching another K-Drama. She really was as bad as her mother, even if she pretended she was more sociable and with it. 

All through the signing, Yukuaki thought about Yeon-Hwa. Would she blow their cover? Would she out Yukuaki? She could make a killing if she told the tabloids that the Emperor liked to dress up in idol drag and perform on stage. 

But, at the end of a long signing session, Yeon-Hwa breezed in. “Get changed! We’re going to the after-party! You worked hard, now you party hard!”

“Uh, I really should be getting back,” Yukuaki said nervously. There were diplomatic functions he should be performing, and the excuse that he was conducting negotiations with the leporidians on the moon wouldn’t last forever.

“Nonsense! You’re coming with us!” Kroos said, sticking her head in. “What should we call you, love?”

“Um, Yuki,” he said nervously. 

“Right! Yuki it is,” Kroos said with a grin, and vanished.

Yukuaki turned to Yeon-Hwa, who looked mildly embarrassed. “You, uh, you’re not-”

“Look, whoever you are out there? Here, you can be the real you. Even if, or especially if, that’s Yuki. You were great out there!” Yeon-Hwa said, and gave Yukuaki a sudden hug. He gasped and blushed. Basically no one but Ami ever gave him hugs anymore. He was the emperor, and the Raiden Shogun wasn’t exactly the hugging type. 

“Like I said, I know some girls, or guys depending, who are just like you!”

“And, er, the fact that I’m…” he almost said “the Emperor” but couldn’t force it out.

“Pff, I don’t care! You’re a kick ass idol, and you’re not the only one in drag. Times are changing! Lord Dalnim is cool with it, and so is your Raiden Shogun! Now come on, you’ll miss the party!” Yeon-Hwa urged, and stepped out to let Yukuaki get changed. 

Fortunately, he did have a set of women’s clothing that would work, though he put on a face mask and glasses to disguise himself a little more. The party turned out to be at a karaoke bar, though in Korea it was a noraebang. It was dark, with couches and a karaoke machine, and plenty of good food and booze. Almost the whole place was rented out by the group, which turned out to be a good thing as Stelle immediately got plastered and passed out. 

Yeon-Hwa introduced Yukuaki to two other Korean idols who turned out to also be cross-dressing. It wasn’t common, but Yukuaki was relieved to find that he wasn’t the only man who found it liberating to put on a skirt and heels and do a cute dance. 

“So, you looking for a boyfriend, Yuki?” one of them, who went by Yura on stage but who’s real name was Kang Min-jae. Thankfully, Yuki was gender neutral enough no one had probed further. 

“Um, I actually have to find a wife. Otherwise, I’m going to get into major trouble,” he blurted. He was about four beers in. Or was it five? Plus the Strong Zero…he couldn’t even keep track anymore. 

“Wait, you’re not gay?” 

He blinked, and turned to find a flushed Yeon-Hwa on his other side. 

“Only if you count pretending to be a lesbian,” he giggled. 

She went an even deeper shade of red. “Oh my gods, I am so sorry! I, uh, well I assumed…I mean, Yura is!”

“So is Seorin, but we broke up,” Yura sighed. 

“No, no, I like dressing up as a woman because I like women. See, it’s like, the straightest thing,” Yukuaki tried to explain. “What kind of man doesn’t like cute girls? A gay one!”

“I’m gay, and I like cute girls,” Yura huffed. 

“I’m kinda straight, and I like cute girls,” Yeon-Hwa agreed. She put a hand on Yukuaki’s chest, and just about ruined his disguise. “And cute guys.”

He was just sober enough to realize that Yeon-Hwa was coming on to him. He was also just drunk enough to think kissing Yeon-Hwa was a good idea. The rest of the night was a blur, but somehow, he ended up back at Yeon-Hwa’s apartment. Both of them were more than intoxicated, but for one night, Yukkuaki let his hair down completely and just had fun. 

In the morning, he woke up with a pounding headache. He was in a strange bedroom in a strange bed, the walls plastered with idol posters, and a large goldfish tank in the corner. Groaning, he reached for his Vision, and quickly cleansed the alcohol from his bloodstream. He sighed. That was better. Then he rolled over. 

And found himself looking right into the eyes of Yeon-Hwa.

“Um, good morning,” she said, and gave him a shy smile. “Uh, I don’t remember everything from last night…but I had a really good time, Yuki.”

“I, uh, I did too. Did…did I ever tell you my real name?”  Yukuaki asked, reaching tentatively for  Yeon-Hwa. 

She slid into his arms, still naked, and kissed him on the lips. “Mmm. It’s Yuki, right?”

“Er, not quite…it’s actually Yukuaki,” he admitted, gently squeezing Yeon-Hwa, and looking into her eyes.

“Pfff,” she snorted, then laughed and clutched at his chest. “Good one! That’s the name of the Japanese Emperor!”

“Ah, you did hear what Sora said last night, right?” Yukuaki asked tentatively.

Yeon-Hwa jerked back. “What?! I mean, yeah, but, I thought she was just kidding. Do you like, work for the Japanese embassy, or something? You-”

“Majesty. We have been searching for you.”

Yeon-Hwa screamed, reached up, grabbed her pillow, and threw it. Her aim was excellent: It bounced right off of Kokusho’s head. 

“I’m busy, Sato,” Yukuaki said, sitting up in bed and glaring at the Shumatsuban captain. 

“We have not vetted this woman, Majesty,” Kokusho said, her gaze locked to the gasping Yeon-Hwa, who was trembling slightly and clutching at Yukuaki. “Additionally, we have not located your bodyguard. We suspected foul play.”

“Did you try checking the dumpsters around the convention? Or possibly the nearest WcDonald’s trash can?” Yukuaki sighed, putting a reassuring arm around Yeon-Hwa. “Now shoo. I know I have a meeting at 10:00 with the President and his cabinet. I’ll be there. It’s…” 

“Eight-thirty-six, Highness.”

“Great. Shoo. Shoo! I have over an hour!” Yukuaki said, and made a sweeping motion with one hand. “I’ll call for a car when I need it.”

Kokusho bowed, then vanished into the shadows.

Yukuaki closed his eyes and groaned. Great. He finally met a girl he actually liked, and his damn ninjas had to show up and ruin everything. At least it hadn’t been Sara. If she found out he was moonlighting as an idol, she’d be writing more of that damned slash fic with him as a woman and the shogun as…never mind. He never should have binge-read all her works when he realized who Spicy_Tengu was.

“Sorry, Yeon-Hwa. That was-”

“FUCKING EPIC!” Yeon-Hwa gasped and was suddenly straddling him and pushing him back down on the bed, eyes sparkling. “You’re SERIOUSLY the Emperor of Japan, with your own ninjas?! Will they come back if you call them!? Do they know you’re an idol!? Was that why the Enlightened Tankui was there?! I thought she came to cheer on Sora!”

“You…you’re not mad? Or scared?” Yukuaki asked, his heart suddenly pounding with a different kind of excitement.

“Why would I be mad or scared!? This is like, every girl’s DREAM come true! A super wealthy handsome prince in disguise sneaks into her work, and sweeps her off her feet? This is like, something out of Railway to the Stars!”

Yukuaki grinned. That was for later. “Hmm, you know, I do have an hour…”

For the first time in his life, Yukuaki was late to a meeting. The Korean president and his cabinet were very understanding, making excuses about the needs of Lord Dalnim and her moon rabbits, and time passing differently in the realm of the gods. 

It had been the realm of the gods, but not in the way the others might have thought. For his part, Yukuaki spent the meeting dreaming up excuses for visiting Seoul again. Could he get Ei to make him custom portals to Yeon-Hwa’s apartment? Or maybe she could take a few trips to Tokyo…

Little did he know that even then, Dalnim was telling her mother everything, and two gods were conspiring to get their favorite pair of lovers together. After all, the Son of Heaven needed to secure his bloodline, and continue on into eternity.

And not just because the Raidens were a bunch of Otaku with a passion for spicy love stories and sappy dramas. 

=====

Author’s Note:

IRL, Princess Hisa died when she was six months old of pneumonia in 1928. Here, she would have been the older sister of the Japanese Emperor, which through some arcane bloodline stuff and enough people dying, resulted in her oldest son’s oldest son becoming Emperor. 

And I am sure all the Japanese nobility would be thrilled about the Emperor marrying a Korean commoner. 

PHILO: This was… everything I could’ve wanted. The family bonding, the con, the shipping, it’s amazing. Sasuga, Paragon-sensei!