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WIP- Sleepless Nights 07 (Patreon)

Published:
2018-08-06 17:50:55
Imported:
2026-06
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Content

EDIT: Took out a confusing panel and moved Nailah's wording around a bit to make Tsenaya's reaction easier to read/understand.

Keep in mind, the Nailah you see here isn't real...she's just how Tsenaya's subconscious chooses to portray her. 

Also...I gotta admit the text for that last panel is gonna be tricky. Initially, I thought a "NOOOO!" would be more fitting but for some reason it just felt wrong, so I went with a general wail of dismay, but it still feels a little off? I dunno- if you guys have any suggestions for the last panel or even the last two panels I'd be more than happy to read them if you post them in the comments. 

And yeah, I want Tsenaya to have a complex where she's afraid of being abandoned by her mother, since obviously her father is nowhere to be found, which is one of the reasons she has self-confidence issues. 

I hope you like the page so far! And don't worry, there's one more page of sad Tsenaya then we get into some nice, porny action with a certain shark and hyena ;). 

Files

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Comments

Magitechnician

Perhaps the issue is not with the dialogue for the last panel itself but the way the last two transition, the move from subdued weeping to the wail. Perhaps the second to last should instead be a shocked and terrified reaction to what Naliah said... perhaps with that eyes-widen-but-pupils-shrink look (I’m rather fond of it for effect)

Rhazz

I just love Nailah - or her dream version, or whatever. That long dress suits her so well!

Magitechnician
>>14457560

Yeah that for sure helps with the transition from 4-5, though now there’s something that bugs me about the transition from 3 to 4.... maaaaybe the fact that 4 became more similar to 3 in expression makes the change in posture (looking up to facing down) more jarring? At the least I think her pupils in 4 should still be looking up, but while it’d be a lot more of a redraw, if I may run off with my thoughts for a moment, I feel like it’d look good if her whole face in 4 was tilted to look up more, like her face shifts from looking up at Naliah at 3 to looking at Naliah’s feet in 4 instead of all the way to the ground... which come to think of it would make the motion of lowering her head all the way part of her breaking down into a wail, which, we often see when a character does that kind of eyes-shut-thight wail they throw their chin down, so the motion could fit. And and a last little thing, I bet a very small “no...” or something would still ne warrented for panel 4

Magitechnician
>>14457560

I like what we’re getting here by the way. A lot of what attracted me to your work, after the porn brought me to page through stuff, was the sense of character that Skin Deep had, the implication of a larger fantasy world and a story you had to tell. That and Tsenaya specifically, I’ve wanted to see where her story goes... though also the sense of power and charisma you get across with Naliah was a part of what drew me in

Big_Italian_Sub

im def more interested in the non porn side of this story tbh

Magitechnician
>>14473018

That moment when you *actually* read for the plot. But I agree, plenty of good porn in the pinups. I spent the second half of Skin Deep thinking “I guess this had to be here because you’re a porn artist but can we get back to the exposition?”

Magitechnician

Ah, a simple solution indeed, that works quite well!

Sesquin

I'm going to have to go with what Big_Italian_Sub said above. Keep this awsome storywriting going!