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Dearest patrons, this episode was on my mind since the very beginning of Hard Choices and the final result is so much richer and more meaningful than I could have imagined. It's also ridiculous and silly, but there's something underneath it all that's reckoning with how the media we consume in our childhood shapes us in ways we probably don't always realize. It's pretty special and I hope you find something beautiful and hilarious in it.

It may be too late in February for Valentine's Day, but it's never too late for Villaintine's Day. That's right, we brought together four "Poor Unfortunate Souls" and asked them to rank the fuckability of 21 villains from the Disney animated canon. All we can say is "Be Prepared" because we will not stop until we get to the median of fuckability.

And what happens when you ask Kris Newton, Kit Mulkerin, Marissa Bond, and MeganBob to brave the "Hellfire" in their deepest darkest hearts like this? Well, you find out about Jekyll & Hydes, who doesn't mind being beheaded, the perils of physical comedy in the bedroom, and just how getting down with Chernabog could maybe work?

Hit download, press play, and let your "Friends on the Other Side" of your audio device take you to places that good ol' Walt never could have dreamed of. 

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Comments

K.F.T.

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees

K.F.T.

Also just started listening and MeganBob sees me with that Madame Medusa spicy take ❤

Hard Choices

YAAAAY! Thank you. I feel like there's really something there. I don't know if it's good, but it's definitely evocative!

Ian Parlaman

Before this episode came out my wife and I came to the conclusion that banging Kronk would be the absolute best. Still I cannot disagree with your number one pick.

Philip Flores

I’m rather surprised that, when discussing Rattigan, nobody brought up the fact that he’s voiced by Vincent Price. That alone would push him up a few places on my list.

Hard Choices

Oh my god, yes. Kronk is such a cinnamon roll that I don't think it ever occurred to us to put him on the list. But lemme tell ya, HUUUUUGE service top vibes. He will be THERE for you and anything you could ever need and will be in it to win it. I suspect he is significantly better at sex than he is at evil plans. What am I saying? He's also the perfect bottom. He's a magnificent switch and definitely deserves lots and lots of love as a grade A bang.

Hard Choices

OH MY GOD, YOU ARE RIGHT! Philip, we were fools. We were horny fools. Okay, but do you feel that other Vincent Price characters similarly benefit from That Voice (TM) or is Rattigan in a unique situation because he's got that delicious dual-nature? I have not consumed enough Vincent Price stuff to know, but I damn well should. What a fucking babe.

Philip Flores

Price’s voice adds to all his characters. He’s in a lot of schlock, but he’s always good, and I’d recommend just about everything he appears in. He’s especially enjoyable when he’s having fun with the role, as he clearly is with Rattigan. And when he was young, he was HOT. Check out “Laura” (1944) for an example

RachelK

Let's get down to business to defend the Hun! I wouldn't have thought it at first, but when I had time to think about the premise of this episode, Shan Yu was *easily* in my top five, and if it were "marry" instead of "fuck" he'd be number one by a country mile. Of all the Disney villains, he's the one who treats his underlings with absolute respect. We never see him bully or betray them, and that speaks VOLUMES for his viability as a romantic partner who will treat you right for its own sake rather than because he wants to use you for something. There's a major *unrepentant monster to everyone but me" vibe that I am *here for.* Plus, I'm not into the "huge gray slab of man" aesthetic, but thinking about it, if you wanted a reference point for "physicality of a tiger without being a tiger," you could do a lot worse. Strong and physically dangerous, a panther-like grace to his movements, sharp teeth, voice like butter that can murder you…for someone with little personality and even less motivation, I'm surprisingly sold.

Hard Choices

OH MY GOD. This is superb reasoning. Okay, I was a fool. That voice is surprisingly sexy, I had forgotten that. You're so right. I should have given him a higher ranking. Also, I bet he's someone that it actually pays off to fuck over a long period of time. I think you can get a wide variety of experiences out of him in a way that you might not be able to with the others. Like, Chernabog has one setting. Frollo has one setting. I think Shan Yu has at least a handful. Also, one of the few villains that's a leader and that speaks to some level of flexibility, charisma, and ability to plan ahead. Shan Yu, you deserved better.

Hard Choices

Can I just say how much I appreciate a bespoke thirst trap recommendation like this? This is worth so damn much to me. I remember him doing that thing with Kermit and being like HELLO? WHO ARE YOU, SIR??

Hard Choices

Important question: Do you think Shan Yu is a Wife Guy? Like, do you think if you're the person he's decided to wife that he's ALL IN and is like "oh, you get the best evil horse, bc you're my wife and you deserve it"? I mean, I think he's still very dangerous and there's a certain amount of threat implicit in him at all times, but like, is he also COMMITTED to you being his evil partner in crime?

RachelK

That's an excellent question! He definitely has his soldiers who are his all-in lieutenants (not every Hun gets to pop out of the snow like a daisy and hide under the cool dragon), but does that signal that you'd be his wife, that you'd be part of a small harem like the lieutenants, or that he'd be more into his bros than into you? There aren't any women in his army, but he isn't actively misogynistic toward Mulan (in his big "you're the boy from the mountains!" moment, there's no "but you're a weak little girl!", and can you tell my son used to watch this multiple times a day and I basically have it memorized), so I feel like once he decided you were his wife, he'd leave you home and come back after a hard day of pillaging with a bunch of jewelry to shower you with and furs to fuck on. Possibly with his other wives, but maybe we could keep each other busy while he was away?

Hard Choices

Hey, worse fates! He brings exotic dildos from other cultures and showers them upon his harem.

RachelK

One more point for Shan Yu: shortly after he bursts through the roof at 1:21, he sees Mulan, and his face breaks into a predatory grin as he pants with exertion. https://youtu.be/DWuYbrU1VGo You know what? Never mind top five, this gets him to top three.

RachelK

In fairness, a lot of this is hidden pretty deep behind "he's a scary-looking warlord with a falcon, what more do you want" until a four-year-old makes you watch it every day for three months. Poor guy didn't even get a villain song.