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Nanowrimo (Patreon)

Published:
2016-11-01 22:00:40
Imported:
2026-06
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Content

Here's the first entry into Nanowrimo.  I hope that it meets with everyone's approval.  It's a fantasy / war story.  There will be some anime elements, but hopefully the ensemble cast will interest people.

Thanks so much for all your assistance this month.  It's really needed and appreciated.  Let me know if you'd like anything more or have any feedback.  I'll be putting it up for everyone on saturday.

Comments

Tetrakern

Alright, maybe I’m half a month late, but thou shall have thy feedback! Always wanted to use those archaisms. Heh. But be warned: english is not my native language, so don’t expect me to comment on every spelling and grammar error (and there are a lot). I plan to give feedback on every chapter in order, which takes quite some time, so I don’t know if I’ll be able to get through in time for that "Nanowrimo" thing until the last of November. Actually, I believe the whole "write 50,000 words in one month" challenge hurts the story. Well, that and writing in Microsoft Word. But better alternatives usually cost money and I know you are in a bad spot, so I won’t nag beyond that statement. Enough wasted words. Cannon Princess. I have to admit, I’m not fond of the title. After reading the first chapter, I kinda get the idea where this might go... also with the anime theme and all (Do you know Murder Princess?)... it still sounds ridiculous. Maybe I should not waste words again for the title, but this is the first thing readers see. Call me superficial, and one should not judge a book by its cover (title), but it does not leave a good first impression on me. I nearly didn’t even give it a chance. I’m glad I did, and so far I think its worthwhile. However, others might not. Well, or I’m wrong and this is exactly what it needs. This is only my opinion. Anyway, the chapter. I would never have imagined to tell you this, Mr 1.7 million words, but the opening seems rushed. The first paragraph feels alien to the rest, dull and unimaginative. This could be insight from Stone’s perspective (or is it? I can’t tell), contemplating the war while he inspects the troops or overlooking the field. It takes more than one page before I get a feeling of who he is, and even then I don’t really know. Beats me what he looks like. Where the hell are we? What is this war about? Why should I even care? There are information about all those questions, but only fractured and then too dense. Funny names, important talks, and the mandatory humble commanding officer nice guy. Not that this is a bad thing. There is just no room for the story to breath and build up an atmosphere. Luckily, the narrative gets its act together in the tent. Not flawlessly, but some sympathy kicks in. One could have chosen the perspective of a lesser man instead of the unsung hero who sacrificed all to give his companions a chance. You know, see the high and mighty fall because of their arrogance. Antipathy is a good foundation for later characters that clash with those you love to hate. Just an idea. The battle was nice. Predictable, but nice. I like the details regarding tactics and environment, though it suffers from what I mentioned in the beginning: 50,000 words challenge. It seems premature, written in a rush to get words out, instead of taking time, plotting, iterating. Everything I ever wrote was at least iterated three times – as in written three times all over again. Well, maybe I need that because I’m slow and my way is wrong and everyone else is better. But result speak for itself, and this whole text would benefit from more time. As I said, the challenge hurts the story. One can’t expect top-quality with such a timeframe. So far, I think the story is good. Extremely rough, partially like a sketch, but promising. Maybe to large for the given restrictions. Still, good. Writing is tough business, do not get discouraged. I’m looking forward to the rest. PS: Killing Glory? AND in that way? Was that necessary? Really, a little finger here... (I always wanted to moan about that).

Somber

Thank you SO much! I agree a ton on the first chapter. I don't like it and it's been niggling at me for some time. It was the best place at the time I could think of to start. I think I'd be better off scrapping and starting off with a view at the start with the whole team together and Bonnepart, then shifting back to Elissie leaving and going to the capitol. That would leave the facts of her father being a traitor or not more in the dark for the reader and Elissie. It would put the reader more in touch with the squad, which is where the real story takes place, rather than starting with her father, who really doesn't influence the story over all. I'm keen on your feelings about chapter 2 - 4, which introduce the actual squad more. As to Glory... yes. Blackjack had to lose everything at the very end before facing the eater. She loses her friends, her loved ones, her babies, and then she's the one that has to go out to save the world. How does anyone face that and stay sane? But it's Boo, and all the other people she's touched in her journeys, who are inspired by her sacrifice and effort, who step up. Who make that final fight possible. Who empower her to stand before the Eater and say 'no'. I wish there were more Blackjacks in the world. I wish I could be Blackjack. Thank you for the feedback. Unfortunately, due to extreme illness, I've probably fallen behind the the point that I won't finish in time. Still, if people like Cannon Princess (and the title is certainly up for revision too) maybe I'll finish it.