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11/2 Nanowrimo (Patreon)

Published:
2016-11-02 22:27:57
Imported:
2026-06
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Content

about 4/5ths through the chapter.  Hopefully the story is good.

Comments

Tetrakern

Kommen wir zu Kapitel 2. The heroine waking up in bed, comically, because she likes to sleep in... yeah, well, no, yes, maybe. It’s a cliché. While I’m not one of the writing-sins-mongers that throw around "never use" commandments, it is a lazy introduction of a character (in this case). The analogy with a caterpillar seems a bit too romantic and more like an attempt to hide the cliché. However, one could make it work. Blackjack, for example, woke up in bed too. I would not consider this a lazy introduction. Why? Because it was not the only personal flaw that made her likable. Her room was a mess, her clothes were mostly dirty, she complained about the ever-boring daily routine of work-life – things one can relate to. It helped that she managed to get up by herself, though. What I want to say is: waking up was nothing more than an opener for the opener, not the primary trait/vice explored. Clichés have to be used on purpose with a certain goal in mind. Same could be done here. Elissie could stay in bed because she got drunk the day before and her mother mustn’t know, and since her chores pile up her grandmother had to do them and got hurt in the process. Maybe she actually wants others to do her work and suffers the consequences of her childish behavior later. Maybe she stole something, forgot about it and wants to hide it. Maybe she was just masturbating. Or, maybe she was contemplating the futility of her own life and lack of motivation/goals/purpose, silently counting the tiles on the ceiling, hoping in vain that something changes. Not that this would fit her character, I just wanted to give examples. She is introduced as a tomboyish (?) sleepyhead, her biggest worry getting married (page 1). Otherwise, she is a blank (page 1). This is not necessarily a bad thing, leaving characterization open to later events. But in that case, there is too much focus on her without showing anything of importance. Nearly nothing about her surroundings at this point to set the atmosphere/mood (the world building is lacking in general). Describing everyday things and events from the character’s perspective can help to define that character. How about more of rusty taps and stained basins, because the war left a shortage of plumbers, instead of mentioned her using the toilette. Identifying herself by her shortcomings (compared to others) would need more introspection and insecurities. I can’t see a clear line of what you were going for, it’s a bit of everything. Again, more time and iterations would help a lot. Okay, I guess I should read beyond page 1 now. I just wanted to give my first impression after reading her introduction. Hah, and she comically suffered wardrobe malfunctions in the past. Really going for this anime theme. I’m not sure, what is the state of technology in this world/society? Since its summer, there have to be refrigerators to produce ice. Yeah, I writing the review while reading at this point. I don’t think I will do that for the next chapter, kinda kills the flow. But hey, here is my stream of consciousness. Yay? I like how Granny Juelle is described. I can totally see that. Also, including information about the world from the view of the colonial masters, plus the major political view, plus implying the existence of non-imperialistic ideas and humanistic awareness. No clue if that was what you wanted, but that’s how I read it. Now there are trains. Women have to take over typical male jobs, because that’s war. Late industrialization? The first refrigerator came 1834, using air pressure. Who knew? A bit more emotion would be good for Elissie. Guilt about receiving money her sister earned. Actually, what is her state of mind at this point? Now they are farmers, too. Is that normal or a tribute to the war effort? I’m lost. Nice work including the role/stand of women, though. (Let’s assume I like parts I don’t nag about.) So, a familiy moment, the horrors of war, the fear of getting sent to the front lines and die before your life even began. The school mistress’ attitude. Pretty well done. I wonder if you were preoccupied with certain scenes like these while writing the previous ones. There is a huge gap in narrative quality between some parts. As if you wanted to get to the "good parts" faster, getting the boring setup out of the way. Eh, what do I know? Her "husband would make it so". Hah. The upcoming sex education in the United States. Haha... "I’m going to enlist!" Now I finally have a picture of whom I’m reading about. At least a template, and a late one. Naïve patriotism, supporting her family, stupidity? All or nothing? Not sure, does not matter at this point, can be shown later (or regretted). I wonder how the chapter would have turned out if it had started with that declaration, or an argument about it if happened before. Explore her feeling about duty, pride, and being protective of her younger brother. Upholding the legacy of her late father, restoring his reputation. It’s a bit fast if done this way. "Oh, look, a poster telling me to join the army! Well, can’t argue with that!" Regardless, I like it. Would have chosen a different approach, though. I read the rest in one go. Mostly because it was good. I think you really enjoyed writing that part. Beside the initial declaration, it was well paced, emotional, and most of all filled with total conviction. Sure, there are rough edges and I still can’t imagine the town, but now I don’t care so much because the story has finally taken off. Elissie’s story at least. If the narrative had had this drive from the beginning, I guess I would have less to nag about (that’s a lie, I’m german, I will always find something to nag about). Next chapter maybe tomorrow.