[Modern Family] Ch: 34 [The Jason Variable] (Patreon)

AN: I didn't get time to edit. So, let me know if you find any mistakes. And I hope this mass release should be enough for now. 👍

[4:35 PM]

Penny and Jason walked out of the California Lottery office together and headed toward the white Nissan parked nearby.

Neither of them said much.

Jason unlocked the car, Penny climbed into the passenger seat, and he settled behind the wheel before closing his door. For several seconds, the engine remained off while both of them simply stared through the windshield.

Jason finally looked down at the paperwork resting across his lap.

Two hundred ten thousand dollars.

After everything he'd spent recently, the money couldn't have arrived at a better time. The fourplex had taken a huge chunk from his bank account, the Amazing Fantasy #15 purchase had removed another sixty thousand that afternoon, and his current income was nowhere close to supporting the lifestyle he'd been living.

Streaming barely paid anything yet. Three occupied apartments generated rental income, though that money wasn't enough to replace what Jason kept spending on investments, collectibles, equipment, restaurants, and whatever opportunities appeared next.

The lottery money gave him breathing room again.

Jason leaned back and released a satisfied breath. “Well, that fixed my cash-flow problem considerably faster than expected.”

Penny didn't answer.

Jason glanced toward her and found her staring at the paperwork in her hands.

For him, $210,000 was additional investment capital.

For Penny, it was life-changing.

Only a few months earlier, her hours at the Cheesecake Factory had been cut enough that she couldn't cover her rent. Her car breaking down had cost roughly twelve hundred dollars, her electricity had been shut off, and she'd eventually become desperate enough to borrow money from Sheldon. Not to mention her credit card debt.

Now she had more than two hundred thousand dollars.

Penny finally looked toward Jason. “I don't think I've ever had ten thousand dollars at once.”

Jason's smile faded into something gentler. “Well, now you've got twenty-one times that amount.”

Penny laughed quietly, though her eyes had started watering. “That's insane. I can pay everything off. My credit cards, whatever I still owe on my car, my bills. I could pay rent for years.”

She looked down again as possibilities kept appearing faster than she could process them.

“I could keep taking acting classes without wondering whether I'm gonna have enough money for groceries afterward.”

Jason nodded. “And you don't have to spend everything just because you've got it.”

Penny wiped beneath one eye and immediately laughed at herself. “Great. I'm crying in a sports car because I kissed a lottery ticket.”

Jason smiled. “Million-dollar lips carry emotional responsibility.”

Penny turned toward him and laughed harder, finally breaking the strange pressure that had been sitting inside her chest.

After another moment, she looked at the paperwork once more and shook her head.

“My life was completely different an hour ago.”

Jason started the Nissan while smiling toward the road ahead. “Yeah. I know that feeling pretty well.”

Penny looked through the windshield while Jason pulled away from the Lottery office, though her attention clearly wasn't on the traffic outside. Every few seconds, her eyes dropped toward the paperwork in her hands before she shook her head like the numbers might somehow become more reasonable if she checked them often enough.

Eventually, she folded the papers carefully and slipped them inside her purse. “Okay, I need to stop staring at this before I start licking the paper just to make sure it’s real. We were supposed to be having a date.”

Jason glanced toward her with a smile. “Technically, we're still having one. It just took a weird financial detour.”

“A weird financial detour?” Penny repeated while turning toward him. “Honey, I went out for a Slurpee and came back with a tax problem.”

Jason nodded thoughtfully while turning onto the main road. “On the bright side, you can afford to pay for dinner now.”

Penny's head immediately turned toward him. “Oh, hell no. You asked me out.”

Jason laughed so suddenly that he had to tighten his grip on the steering wheel. “There she is. I was getting worried the money had changed you.”

Penny pointed toward him with mock seriousness. “Listen, rich boy, I may have money now, but I still understand basic dating rules. Guy asks girl out, guy pays.”

Jason nodded solemnly. “I'm glad sudden wealth hasn't destroyed your traditional values.”

“Exactly,” Penny replied before narrowing her eyes. “Although if this date sucks, I'm definitely buying myself something expensive afterward.”

Jason glanced toward her. “That's a terrifying amount of pressure.”

Penny smiled and relaxed farther into the seat. The teasing seemed to help, because some of the stunned tension finally disappeared from her face. “So where are we going next?”

Jason checked the clock on the dashboard. “Dinner can wait because it's still too early. We've got time to do something before we eat.”

Penny looked interested again. “Okay, Mr. Spontaneous, what've you got?”

Jason thought for several seconds while driving. He considered bowling, walking around somewhere, or finding an arcade, though another option felt easier after everything that had happened. “Let's catch a movie.”

Penny raised an eyebrow. “A movie on a first date?”

“Why not?” Jason replied. “We sit somewhere dark, eat overpriced popcorn, silently judge whatever's on screen, then argue about whether it was worth the ticket price afterward.”

Penny laughed. “You really know how to sell romance.”

Jason smiled. “I'm saving my strongest material for dinner.”

She considered the idea before nodding. “Actually, a movie sounds kinda perfect right now. My brain needs something that doesn't involve taxes, paperwork, or numbers with too many zeroes.”

Jason pointed toward her approvingly. “Exactly what I was thinking.”

As they headed toward a nearby theater, the conversation shifted naturally away from money. Penny asked about Jason's streaming, and this time she seemed genuinely curious rather than simply trying to understand how he supported himself.

“So you basically sit at home, play video games, talk into a microphone, and strangers watch you?” Penny asked while giving him a skeptical look.

Jason nodded. “When you describe it like that, it sounds incredibly stupid and slightly creepy.”

“It sounds like something guys would do for free anyway.”

“That's currently the problem,” Jason replied with a laugh. “Streaming doesn't exactly shower people with money yet. I'm mostly building an audience and figuring things out while the whole industry is still young.”

Penny looked toward him. “And you seriously think that's gonna become huge?”

Jason's confidence appeared immediately. “Absolutely. People already watch sports, reality shows, talk shows, and random videos online. Eventually they're gonna watch personalities play games, react to stuff, compete, teach, and basically broadcast their lives.”

Penny studied him for a moment. “You say that like you've already seen the future.”

Jason's fingers tightened around the wheel for half a second before he smiled. “I spend way too much time thinking about this stuff.”

“Okay, because for a second there, you sounded weirdly certain.”

Jason chuckled. “I'm also weirdly certain you're gonna order something expensive at dinner just because I joked about you paying.”

Penny smiled innocently. “I hadn't considered that until you mentioned it.”

Jason groaned. “Fantastic. I just financially attacked myself.”

Penny laughed and turned slightly toward him. “What about you, though? Besides games, investing, and randomly changing women's lives at convenience stores, what do you actually like doing?”

Jason thought about the question before answering. “Movies, music, driving around when I've got nowhere specific to be, working out, learning random things when something catches my attention. I like trying new food too, especially when somebody else recommends a place.”

Penny nodded. “That's surprisingly normal.”

Jason glanced toward her. “Were you expecting me to say yacht racing and hunting endangered truffles?”

“I don't know what rich people do.”

“Neither do I,” Jason admitted. “I'm still figuring it out.”

That answer made Penny smile because there wasn't any arrogance behind it. “Well, I like movies, dancing, hanging out with friends, acting when somebody actually gives me a chance, and occasionally making questionable decisions involving men.”

Jason gave her a sideways look. “Should I be concerned about that last category?”

Penny looked him over deliberately. “You're currently inside the category.”

Jason laughed. “Good to know where I stand.”

They reached the theater shortly afterward, and Jason pulled into the parking lot before finding a space. Penny climbed out while Jason locked the Nissan, and together they walked toward the bright marquee displaying the showings.

...

...[Meanwhile]...

[Sheldon and Leonard’s Apartment] 

Leonard sat at his usual place on the couch with a takeout container balanced on his knee, though he’d barely touched the food. His fork had spent the last several minutes moving the same piece of chicken around while Sheldon sat beside him eating with his usual methodical precision.

Howard occupied the chair across from them, and Raj sat on the floor near the coffee table with his dinner resting beside him.

The apartment felt completely normal.

Leonard looked completely miserable.

Howard watched him for another few seconds before finally speaking. “Okay, I’m gonna say something because watching you emotionally stab that chicken for ten minutes is starting to ruin my appetite.”

Leonard sighed and dropped the fork into the container. “I’m fine.”

Sheldon looked toward him immediately. “That statement is demonstrably false. Your shoulders are lowered, you’ve eaten approximately twelve percent of your meal, and you haven’t corrected Howard once since he incorrectly referred to General Tso’s chicken as authentic Chinese cuisine.”

Howard frowned. “Why would I correct that?”

Sheldon adjusted his container against his lap. “Because it isn’t remotely authentic, although expecting you to know that would require a level of cultural awareness you clearly haven’t developed.”

Raj nodded in agreement before remembering Penny wasn’t present. “He’s right. Also, Leonard looks like somebody cancelled Christmas and then mailed him the decorations as evidence.”

Leonard rubbed both hands across his face. “Can we please talk about something else?”

Howard leaned forward with an amused smile. “Sure. Let’s talk about the handsome rich guy who walked into Stuart’s store, bought a sixty-thousand-dollar Spider-Man comic, asked Penny out five minutes later, and left holding her hand.”

Leonard looked toward him with exhausted irritation. “That is literally the thing I don’t want to talk about.”

Howard raised one finger. “Technically, you asked us to talk about something else. You never specified what the original topic was.”

Sheldon nodded thoughtfully. “Howard’s interpretation is linguistically defensible, although socially irritating.”

Leonard stared at Sheldon. “Thank you for that incredibly useful contribution.”

Sheldon continued eating without reacting to the sarcasm. “You’re welcome. Although I should point out that Penny accepting Jason’s invitation shouldn’t cause this degree of emotional distress because you and Penny agreed several months ago that you were better suited as friends.”

Leonard looked toward him. “People can agree to something and still have feelings afterward.”

Sheldon paused with his fork halfway toward his mouth. “That sounds inefficient.”

Raj leaned against the edge of the couch and gave Leonard a sympathetic look. “I understand why you’re upset. Penny’s beautiful, funny, charming, and somehow manages to make you feel hopeful immediately before reality punches you directly in the stomach.”

Howard glanced toward him. “That got weirdly personal.”

Raj shrugged. “I’ve met women.”

Howard immediately looked around the room. “Name three.”

Raj frowned at him. “My mother counts.”

Leonard groaned and leaned farther back against the couch. “The worst part is that Jason didn’t even hesitate. He just walked over, told her she was beautiful, asked whether she was single, and invited her out.”

Howard nodded with admiration. “Confidence, money, sports car, good face. And he collects vintage comics too, but he isn't a nerd. Leonard, buddy, I’m saying this with love, but you got hit by the romantic equivalent of a freight train.”

Leonard closed his eyes. “You’re really terrible at making people feel better.”

Sheldon placed his takeout container carefully on the coffee table and turned toward Leonard with the expression he usually wore before explaining something everyone else already regretted asking about.

“Actually, Howard’s freight-train analogy is surprisingly appropriate,” Sheldon said. “Penny’s current financial and professional circumstances make Jason an unusually disruptive variable in your already unsuccessful romantic equation.”

Leonard frowned. “I don’t have a romantic equation.”

“You absolutely do,” Sheldon replied. “You’ve simply failed to solve it.”

Howard grinned. “Oh, this should be good.”

Sheldon folded his hands across his lap. “Consider Penny’s situation. Her acting career has produced negligible measurable success, her primary income comes from waitressing at the Cheesecake Factory, her hours have previously been reduced, she carries credit-card debt, and her automobile has repeatedly demonstrated a disturbing commitment to mechanical failure.”

Raj nodded thoughtfully. “That car does sound like it was assembled from rejected carnival equipment.”

Leonard looked between them. “Can we maybe stop auditing Penny’s life?”

Sheldon ignored him. “Additionally, Kurt owes her several thousand dollars, which, based on his intelligence, reliability, and general moral character, has approximately the same probability of repayment as Howard receiving a Nobel Prize for wardrobe coordination.”

Howard looked offended. “These outfits are coordinated.”

Raj glanced at Howard’s shirt and pants. “Technically, several colors are coordinating an attack.”

Howard pointed toward him. “You’re wearing a sweater vest.”

Sheldon continued before the argument could spread. “Penny also wants to become a professional actress, which means she requires acting classes, auditions, transportation, headshots, and sufficient financial stability to survive extended periods without meaningful employment.”

Leonard sighed because he already knew where Sheldon was heading. “And Jason has money.”

“Considerably more than you,” Sheldon replied without hesitation. “He purchased a sixty-thousand-dollar comic book this afternoon with approximately the same emotional difficulty you experience purchasing socks.”

Leonard’s face tightened. “Thanks for putting that into perspective.”

Sheldon nodded. “You’re welcome. Jason is also physically attractive, apparently confident, financially independent, drives an expensive sports car, and demonstrated enough social competence to approach Penny directly instead of spending several years hovering across the hallway hoping she eventually discovers your romantic intentions through atmospheric diffusion.”

Howard covered his mouth while Raj openly laughed.

Leonard stared at Sheldon. “Are you trying to make me feel worse?”

“No. I’m explaining why you already feel worse,” Sheldon replied. “Jason represents several qualities Penny historically finds attractive, while simultaneously possessing financial stability that her previous attractive partners generally lacked.”

Leonard slowly sank deeper into the couch.

Sheldon picked up his food again. “If their date proceeds successfully, your probability of establishing a romantic relationship with Penny decreases considerably.”

Howard winced. “Wow. Even I thought that was brutal.”

Sheldon took another bite before looking toward Leonard. “Fortunately, human relationships are irrational and poorly predictable, so you still possess a statistically nonzero chance.”

Leonard stared at him.

“That was supposed to be encouraging?”

Sheldon considered the question.

“Yes. Apparently, I need more practice.”