Nerding Day: Woke Content Detector (Patreon)

God, life is wonderful. Armored Core 6 fulfills my mech fetish, Baldur’s Gate 3 replaces sunlight, and Eric Adams is crying right now. Though all that beauty makes staying current tough. I’ve been playing too many games to follow gaming. Let’s see what people not playing games are up to. Maybe they’ve cured the plague.

Awesome! What’s this called?

Looks like they’re inspired. Good for them.

No, really. I just watched Mayor Ponzi melt live, and get to repeat that footage forever. The Woke Content Detector washes right past me. I’m writing today’s insults from my place of joy. Woke Content Detector curators are swollen ticks on culture’s anus, and I love them. I wish them life’s best. I hope they all experience love once before death.

They’ll have to delete this first. The Woke Content Detector’s an infinite list of games, rated by woke. Woke’s come a long way from a Klan wink. It’s closer to ennui, a vague haze discoloring life. The weight in your chest in the morning? Woke. That silence where your mother’s voice once rang? Woke. Three texts, no response? DEI.

But I’m a spin surgeon. Here’s their pitch:

Pretty welcoming! The Woke Content Detector wants you. Life is finite, and you can spend it checking Sonic remakes for migrants. Not my first choice, but I blew this week crotch-thrusting at City Hall. So I get the time-to-hate ratio.

You can browse the Woke Content Detector a few ways. Like the endless Steam Curator page:

Not today. Steam thrives in spite of the layout. Lock your DRM monopoly in early, and you can lay out your empire like a dead forum. And be thanked for it! While nostalgia addicts aren’t the most fun audience, they are the easiest.

As for the flavor of the month, I get the anger. Imagine hearing you haven’t finished off the spades after forty thousand years. And wives still roam freely. That’s frustrating. At that point, you either hand in your red snapback or review a thousand games with one template. The Woke Content Detector persevered. At least tower defense remains soy-free.

There’s also a bottomless spreadsheet. While even uglier, it provides a sense of scale.

Like I said, they put in work. With some grit, anything is possible. Even when it shouldn’t be. I take back that bit about love: romance would only dilute their craft. The three-color system captures the entire political spectrum: “recommended,” “not recommended,” and half-breed.

Personally, I prefer using the Patriot Deck. I just got mine in the mail! Check it out:

I’ll cherish it forever, or until a new bauble comes out. Have you preordered the Patriot Deck 2? I haven’t. It explodes near pigment, so I’m holding out for the 3. That one lets you join Real America, as long as you keep your porn history quiet. Remember that? That just happened! We’re all insane now!

Time for a test drive. I called this list infinite, but my urban senses lack precision. How many games have been inspected for empathy?

1474, in human numbers. If a fair review reflects, say, ten hours, then this list holds enough tears to fill the ocean. It’s a living shrine to accidental celibacy. I’d use that love of spreadsheets to play Civilization. Unless…

It’s woke! For outside-goers: Civilization is a series where you simulate civilization. I mostly zerg rush slavery into fascism, but I guess that acknowledges those exist. Fair enough. Everyone’s feelings matter, even if they can’t spell feelings. Though bundling climate denial with white resentment’s odd. Do they think they’ll float better than nevermind, gotcha.

How’s its thematically identical ancestor?

Alright, old equals good. They have some principles. My strategy-dork bias clouded my based eye. Though note that V is, in fact, the first entry where you can’t rush slavery into fascism. You can’t say anything anymore.

Let’s try a fighter. In fact, let’s hit the closest game to “race war simulator.”

They have a point, today there’s a lot you can’t say without people saying stuff back. That sucks. Calling history’s angriest cavemen woke begs for “Shut the fuck up, pussy.” But that would fill my inbox with frogs for weeks. Ah well. Shut the fuck up, pussy.

I assume the reviewer sucks. If you’ve beaten one toddler or retiree at Tekken, you know “woke messaging” attempts to balance embarrassing scales. Failure turns players into slur linguists. I didn’t even know what “branch manager” meant until I picked Marth.

Subtle? Odd term for Super Robot Wars, a franchise called Super Robot Wars. Are there, perhaps, different rules for your favorites? Do anime haircuts divide Not Recommended and Informational?

Nah, I’m off base. Weeaboo Souls is guiltless, despite more women swinging bigger swords at more men. I think I get it now. Girls are fine in cat ears, thongs, or rave masks. Maybe the Woke Content Detector crew parties hard, and wants MDMA well-represented.

Does the katana modifier extend to environmentalism? We just put Civilization on notice for mentioning mass extinction.

Be nice. Not everyone with double standards is a hypocrite. Most are just illiterate. You can easily miss Monster Hunter World’s hippie streak if you’re fresh from Little Bo-Peep. For those of you in the trenches: can you believe her sheep’s gone? Forever? I hope Bo-Peep doesn’t starve this winter.

It’s always Anime Week at the Woke Content Detector. But is the curve for cartoon antics in general, or just upskirts?

This seems like a hard way to live.

I must’ve missed a second watchable libertarian cartoon. Or libertarian anything. That’s not even a shot–the whole series is a miracle. And too good for its audience. Sure, settling stings. But if you’re right of a Times column, thank Asmodeus for every joke you get without Dennis Miller’s stench.

I’ll open my mind. How should games be written?

The longer I live, the more I read and write and see and endure, the less I understand. That’s fine! We’ll flail through this prison together. As long as Eric’s in a cell too, I’m good.

Some accuse the movie of dropping the ball. Nah. It faithfully adapts a freeway brownout. The franchise spirit lives in every frame. Borderlands is written the way a car accident is choreographed. Kevin Hart’s perfectly cast to kiss the barricade.

But we’re making progress! We know the detector likes violence and stale franchises. We can feed it pop shooters for a break. That’s great news, my zen mood was starting to crack. Let’s shoot some terrorists for Uncle Sa–

Nice, I’m cool. I’m cool today. Digital name tags matter. They take junior designers four minutes to draw, and three to redo for kicks. Emblems are a fair hill to die on. You can find FPS emblems of a squirrel, moving countless children to become squirrels. It is, technically, hard to count no one.

Yeah.

For fuck’s sake, how much do you have to fear gay to boycott Enlist: the Game? Activision’s funneled more kids into the army than Sallie Mae. That’s the problem with post-hate: it treats limpdick rage as its own end, instead of an imperial tool. We’ve forgotten four chords and a colony.

Hey, that Nazi hunting game! They’re not fond of it. Autocomplete could finish this joke, so I’ll talk about shoulder injuries for a bit. Does this ever end? Google’s corpse says every cell replaces itself within ten years. Can I jump a decade ahead? Maybe one of those Weyland-Yutani pods, without the facehuggers? By then, this wave of inbred brownshirts should simmer down and/or botch world domination.

Back to business.

Alright, shooters about square-jawed, blonde American soldiers defending the empire from outsiders are…w-woke? What the fuck am I even looking at? What are they trying to say? It’s like I’m reading me. What shooters do national onanists like?

The most brutal Bioshock 2 review I’ve ever seen. The both-sides eyeroll anchoring the plot, crushed in seconds. This is a four word sequel to Ether. The best diss track of 2024. Wherever he is, the director just clutched his chest and collapsed. A+.

But the whole hell energy thing is…corporate greed causes…any surface level kindergarten reading says…fuck it. Nevermind. Score one for the boys. Finally, a Woke-free capitalist apocalypse.

This can’t get dumber.

A game called I Got Blackmailed by a Futanari has non-reproductive hugging? Wild. That’s like your hovel having bottled piss and dead dreams. It comes with the territory. People still exist after you leave the room. Just like the piss.

Granted, one porn VN review doesn’t make a trend. But since I said something, reality will liver-punch me with the opposite. Go for it.

Thanks for the info! Not the reviews, they’re worthless. Now I know someone can fear deviants enough to become Earth’s leading dick critic. Forget repression: everyone in this club hates time and smiling, and they don’t even have columns. I think a dick-horrified NEET reviewed sixty hours of porn he hates. For gaming.

Of course this got dumber. Anything can, with enough passion and no dates. I’m not sure how so many Wall Street hotshots juggle second careers in digital transvestigation, but I’m sure management appreciates fresh voices and clean floors.

Anyone can dig through the indie trashcan until something offends them. Surprise me.

Asked and answered. Mascots can’t buy hookers because of Woke. Don’t seek therapy, that battle’s lost. But you can still save Crash Bandicoot from DLC rainbow shorts. Thank you for your service.

Though I’m still a little disappointed. I came loaded with spectacle fighter jokes for six of you. But the hardcore crowd seems to prefer yelling at Activision and porn to playing games made for them. Odd approach to gaming. Or life. I’d be agitated, but I just drew Eric’s future.

You can’t ruin Christmas for me.

Sure, but later. Let’s see what they think about Rainbow Six. The image template is pretty funny this time, we could riff on that forever.

Once more, unto the breach.

For context: Armored Core’s about mashing robots together like action figures. Mostly. There’s also staring at two left elbow axle nuts for five hours, giving up, and replacing the whole arm with a rocket launcher. Good times. Here’s someone scanning that experience for gay:

Ah, so that’s how Woke Detection works. A brain trustee smells a witch, names them before the village, and Valuable Discussion unfolds. If you’ve ever seen a Salem museum or Texas courtroom, you know the problem. This process will, over time, make every game ever made Woke.

The evidence:

Insightful! Fans of nose-breathing might know fighting a powerful, established force as “conflict.” The DEI’s in your bone marrow. You only have months of based life left. Give them to the Woke Content Detector, and keep unseen mech pilots straight.

And they don’t just take LoneWolfInane at his word. Every game is based until proven woke. The opposition makes a stirring defense:

Many based thinkers want trisomy jokes back. That’s not in their best interest.

I’ve been thinking: our Tuesday ritual is fun, but we could streamline it. What if I just read Vaudeville jokes while pounding nails into my skull? It’s the same thing, really.

If you’re curious, their other threads are equally vital. Kind of like an appendix, or dick tumor. If you ever wondered why Woke keeps angels from dancing on pins, welcome to your playground.

Every game is tribunal bound. Eventually, a member will play Code Vein with both hands. What lives? What survives that scrutiny?

Oh.

Hard. Core.

Masculinity’s back, boys. The future is a segregated Candy Crush convention, forever. I’m off to find some bourbon. And nails.

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