Nerding Day: They Might Be Elders (Patreon)

What if Kidz Bop didn’t Bop at all? That’s the question the Mormon church set out to answer with their Mormon pop music parody band They Might Be Elders. Content warning: I’ve seen a lot of shit writing for this website, and the full body cringe I got from listening to this album collapsed my stomach into a black hole that sucked me into another dimension. It was radical. Look out, kids, we all might be converted by the end of this article. .

“ON A SCALE FROM ONE TO AMAZING, THIS CD IS INCREDIBLE!” says someone who is bad at creating scales for rating, and I have to agree with them. They Might Be Elders tells the story of a young man who is clearly trying to Mormon around something. It's advertised as a “band,” but the songs are clearly all sung by one guy, and this guy has some pretty specific taste in music. Quorum Of The Rock opens with a parody of Avril Lavinge’s “Girlfriend,” then moves into a Spice Girls parody, and crescendos at “Barbie Girl” by Aqua, which is changed to “Elder Man.”

The idea behind They Might Be Elders was to allow Mormon missionaries to listen to popular music while they were on missions. The vibe I got from it was that one specific Mormon missionary got caught jamming to “Barbie Girl” and had to think of something real fast. Don’t worry; I checked, and the creator of They Might Be Elders is doing just fine! He’s a voice actor now and cites this as one of his favorite projects.

Steve “Warky” Nunez is famous for two things: his Mormon pop music parody band and, a few years later, his Yaoi Christmas album. Yes, the same man who wrote “Carol Of The Balls,” “Deck The Balls,” and “Jiggly Balls” also wrote “If You Wanna Be An Elder”. He has the same passion for Mormonism as he does for balls, and I think that’s beautiful.

Let’s start breaking down these songs. You can listen to a little of an album if you want to get a taste for the sound. It’s got almost 500 plays on YouTube.You can also totally not do that because I am willing to jump on that grenade for you. The important thing to remember is that it’s all sung by one person with a decent Garage Band setup and a pretty monotone musical delivery. I said the singer has the same passion for Mormonism as he does for balls, and unfortunately, that’s a lie. He puts way more oomph into his songs about balls, although oomph may be against the Mormon religion? Anyway, here’s the chorus of the opening song, “You Could Be A Mormon".

Keep in mind, there are about three things in Mormonism they can publicly talk about: God, the elders, their little outfits, and the fact that the temple exists but not what goes on inside of it. A huge chunk of the Mormon religion is deeply weird and not for public consumption. According to Ex-Mormon TikTok, it involves aliens and secret handshakes that will get you into heaven. Those things would make amazing songs, but unfortunately, the only Mormon-approved topics are slim pickings for song lyrics.

There's no real narrative arc to these songs. They're mostly the word "Mormon" and "elder" repeated over and over again. Take, for example, the cover of "Wanna Be" by the Spice Girls, sung by a single Spice Boy. It can only tell us in the most basic and emotionless way what Mormon missionaries do– give out bibles and baptize forever. Nothing weird, and no further questions, please.

There is something special about "If You Wanna Be An Elder." It has a music video. The music video is everything you would expect when you see the words Mormon music video, two sweaty little guys in full suits slowly rolling around on the ground at an abandoned basketball court. The Mormon church has more money than Disney; you would think they could at least spring for the three additional Spice Boys.

They Might Be Elders has a couple of music videos, and they always seem to do them for the worst songs. "Elder Man," the parody of "Barbie Girl," is the catchiest song in the bunch, and it doesn't get a music video. Even with lyrics like this, it is absolutely begging for one:

At least the lyrics in this one are significantly changed from the content of "Barbie Girl". They Might Be Elders cover "The Remedy" by simply sticking the word Mormon in the middle of the title. Now it's "The Mormon Remedy." Listening to this, I had to ask myself why Mormons on a mission can't listen to "The Remedy"? It's not about eating pussy or sipping a fine caffeinated beverage. I get why someone would want to make "X Gon' Give It To Ya (The Holy Mormon Spirit)," or "Wise Angel Priesthood," or "Get Low On Your Knees In Prayer," but "The Remedy" is a very normal song about being a chill little guy and They Might Be Elders made it way less chill.

Jason Mraz did not approve this message. This is in no way about being a chill little Mormon guy. It's a pretty intense song with sin and an abyss. Jason Mraz hates abysses! "The Mormon Remedy" gets a little lost in itself. Warky couldn't keep up with Jason Mraz lyrically or musically. He did much better with his bonus They Might Be Elders song "Mormonizer," a parody of Britney Spears classic "Womanizer." Why yes, it does have a music video and this one they really splurged on.

The Mormon public loved "Mormonizer!" The comment section is glowing.

"Mormonizer" is the last thing that Warky posted before he started posting more secular parodies, "Voldemort Gave Harry His Old Scar," a parody of "Video Killed The Radio Star," is a standout from that time and then took his final form with "All I want For Christmas is Yaoi." The lyrics aren't great, but neither are the lyrics to "Womanizer," so it's easy to grade it on a pretty steep curve. Any parody of "Womanizer" does the original justice. They also manage to hit all of the points we're allowed to know about Mormonism: elders want to baptize you and nothing else. Don't ask about the underwear that protects your genitals from the evil of the world.

There is one song that goes more into detail about Nephi, a central figure in the Mormon bible but it's a very poorly mixed parody of "Story Of A Girl" by Nine Days called, you won't believe this "Story of Nephi," and I can barely understand a single word of it. Warky was much better at mixing pop than rock songs. The Blink 182 cover of "What's My Age Again" is also extremely confusing, but I think it's about researching genealogy? The song is called "What's That Year Again?" I don't know what it has to do with Mormonism other than that Mormons have also experienced history? Things get really tenuous toward the end of the album. Almost as tenuous as this recorded stage performance of "You Could Be A Mormon."

Taking stuff that is good and making it terrible in the name of religion is doing the lord's work, and by the lord, I mean our dark lord, Satan. I myself stopped practicing Christianity after I was kicked out of a clean screening of Mean Girls for explaining all of the good missing jokes to my friends. I figured if I had to choose between heaven and funny jokes I'd go to hell and as I listened to the ninth song on this album– just the words mormon, bible, baptism, and elder, repeated over and over again, I was there. Thanks for the laughs, Satan!

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