Fucking Day: A Totally Respectable, Average-Length History of Penis Enlargement🌭 (Patreon)

One useful definition of “art” is anything made or done with the intent to express, explore or imagine. By this definition…

Humans can make art.

Humans can make robots.

Humans cannot make robots that make art.

That’s because, as yet, no one has even approached creating a robot or computer program that a quorum of modern philosophers or cognitive scientists would grant has “intent.” For something to be art, you need to have a whole personality fleshed out, because you need to have MEANT something. Art cannot come about as a by-product. For example, if a farmer plows thousands of acres with the goal of arranging their various crops efficiently, only to find that when observed from space it makes the Mona Lisa, that’s structured beauty created with intent - but it’s not art.

THIS is art:

THIS is ART:

THIS IS ART!!!!!!!!!!

And this isn’t.

…even though it IS obviously the hottest thing I’ve ever seen, flavor-blasted in sex molecules designed to impact my Bliss Point with a precision only today’s modern Tech Barons can bring to bear. I mean, that image is “Elon Musk” hot!

Still, because it lacks a sense of coherent intentionality, the best generative AI art can do is a blanded-out impression of whatever library of copyrighted work its database was built on. Without intense input from a skilled operator, it will never achieve the signature broken-brained specificity of human erotica…like, say, this tasteful shot of a cowgirl-coded Jade from Jackie Chan Adventures banging a cow-lady hooked to a milking machine.

AI could never. That’s why the only Al I jerk off with will remain “Weird” Al Yankovic. Here are our TOP FIVE SONGS FOR JERKIN’ OFF TOGETHER:

1. "White & Splurty"

2. "Weasel Stroking Day"

3. "I Love Cocky Load"

4. "Another One Likes to Nut"

5. "Palmish Pair-o-guys (with apologies to Coolio)"

Anyway, my Big Point here is that the advent of low-effort generative artslop dumbs down, homogenizes, and un-weirds everything, thereby ruining it. Why would someone running a penis enlargement scam break out MS Paint and doodle a big ol’ dong when they can simply have their computer whip up photorealistic clickbait? WHO WILL TELL ME TO SQUEEZE LEMON JUICE ON MY COCK NOW??

And so, to mark the passing of a very specific kind of art, I’d like to take you on a tour of the long (heh heh) proud tradition of penis enlargement scams and the art used to sell them.

Indeed, the quest for Big Dick Energy has permeated human culture since time immemorial, and can be traced through the evolution of multiple ancient religious pantheons. The Greek fertility god Priapus, from whom we get the word “priapism,” was always depicted with a massive boner, as was the Egyptian god of power and manliness, Min.

Gawt’DAMN, now that’s a man! He’s prepared to fuck, fight, or dive for pennies at the municipal pool at a moment’s notice. Here’s Priapus, similarly ready to rock.

“Knock knock!”

“Who’s there?”

“Priapus!”

“I hate to complain good sir, but you just smashed our door in with your dick. When Winter comes, we shall surely perish.”

“Pry a pussy off the stack, that hot satyr’s back!”

Ancient Egyptian papyri and Chinese medical texts both mention herbal ointments being applied to the phallus to increase virility and penis size, and Greek athletes used a Kynodesmē or “dog tie” not only to hold their tallywhackers in place for sports but also in an attempt to extend the foreskin for a lengthier look.

See? Isn’t that just the biggest dick you’ve ever seen? No? How about this one?

That’s a Grecian urn featuring an erect man riding a flying erection. Here’s an old statue of Priapus with a giant dick and wearing a hat of dicks. I wonder what’s in the bag! Dicks, I bet.

That hat is actually an example of a “fascinus,” which was a Greek or Roman talisman - or should I say phallusman? - worn to celebrate the awesomeness of penises in and of themselves. And yes, that’s where we get the word “fascinate.” The verb “to be interested in” literally descends from how enthralling ancient peoples found the dong. Which I can understand, frankly…you live in the past, everything is awful, there’s no medicine, but at least there’s a rod stuck to your body you can rub for fleeting pleasure.

“Getting fucked by Zeus in the form of a bull gives your dick wiiiiiiiiings!” Here’s some dicks with wings and their tails and feet are also dicks. You can’t tell from the images, but when you ring the little bells the bells sing “dick” and “cock” and “weiner” and such.

Finally, just for good measure, here’s a guy who’s had enough of all these dicks and decided to fight his own dick, a tiger.

So it’s safe to say we’ve always been obsessed with big, meaty schlongs. Perhaps that’s because across many ancient cultures, phallocentric patriarchies often came to the (totally biologically unfounded) conclusion that the penis was the source of all life, and the woman’s sexual apparatus more like a vessel, shell, or trusty pack mule you stow your gear in. Thus, a big hard fat fucking sausage often became a symbol of power and virility, and penis enlargement spells, scams, creams, traditions and rituals have inevitably sprung up across time and around the globe.

One intuitive-if-painful way to lengthen your penis is to simply suspend a weight from it, and many ancient cultures figured that out pretty quickly. The Sadhu tribe in India, certain Sudanese tribes, and the Cholomecs in Peru all share a cultural tradition of hanging dong - literally. The Sudanese also claim ownership of “jelqing,” which is essentially just massaging and stretching your dick out with your hands every day. A woven, basket-like sheath was sometimes used for the same purpose.

I wonder how it smelled! Like dicks, I bet.

But not ALL penis enlargement strategies of the ancients are as innocuous as hanging a weight from your cock or trapping it in a cage. The Kama Sutra describes a man enlarging his manhood by rubbing it with insect bristles and toxic plants, while in Brazil in the 1500s the Topinama tribe is recorded as encouraging poisonous snakes to bite them on the crotch to induce a semi-permanent allergic swelling. Those snakes are all dead now, but try not to blame the penises.

Then of course there are the surgical modifications. History is rife with both primitive and refined penile implants, piercings and addenda. Once we reached a medieval level of technology, clamps, racks and stretching contraptions got added to the mix, often resulting in outright manglings or deformity.

Ambitious cockspeople of the Middle Ages even resorted to downing concoctions like chopped earthworms, ground leeches, and washing their dicks repeatedly in sheep’s milk to swell them up like soggy cereal. There was a huge demand for huge dicks! They don’t just grow on trees you know, illuminated medieval manuscript illustrations notwithstanding.

The first time someone took a needle full of body fat from elsewhere in the body and injected it into some dude’s dick JUST for the purposes of enlargement? 1893. The first penis pump was patented seventy years ago, around the same time skin was first “electively grafted onto the shaft of a penis to increase its girth.” Hey! Ew!

If at this point you’re thinking “huh, all of these techniques sound highly damaging to tender tissue,” you’re right as a ruined penis. Brutally stretching or hanging weights from your cock may lengthen it, but only by sacrificing girth and creating “micro-tears” in your weiner-meat. Repeated scientific studies have found no reliable connection between jelqing, chopped earthworms, rubbing your dick against a snake’s teeth, and anything good that you should be doing.

I think the last sentence of one wide-ranging study of penis enhancement outcomes and satisfaction levels by the noted Dr. Danlop says it best:

Nevertheless, the quest for an artificially enhanced crotch continues, and is big business to this day. Despite common complications like fatal embolisms, disfigurement and sexual impairment, thousands of men a year undergo elective penile enhancement surgery, get an implant, or have hyaluronic acid injected into their dingles to make the cells get irritated and swell up. It’s like a venomous snake bite but you get to pay for it and work through your HMO! Hm, let a venomous snake bite me on the cock or navigate the U.S. healthcare system…tough call.

Then of course there are the more innocuous scams, only out for your time and money and not your flesh. Modern examples include online covens-for-hire and voodoo doctors who promise they will make your penis grow remotely if you send them some quick cash.

Don’t believe me? Ask Antwain from Georgia!

Tragically, even these practitioners have slid quickly from OBJECTIVELY AMAZING human-made doodles or staged photos…

…to obvious, generic AI slop.

And that makes me sad. Sad for art, sad for scammers, sad for the world of weirdness that makes humanity the undefeated goofiest motherfuckers ever to walk the planet. It’s CLEAR that we want bigger dicks, and it’s CLEAR that the science isn’t there, and it’s CLEAR that we don’t care. To celebrate that very human attitude, I will now click through all the old-style clipart penis enlargement ads I can find, do the thing and report back on the results. Wish me luck…

PENIS STARTING LENGTH: 5.25 inches.

NOTES: This ad, like the orange and lemon ads from the top of the article, is probably obliquely referencing the fact that Sildenafil (generic Viagra) works better if you’re topped up on your Vitamin C levels. That’s it. That’s all they mean. So if you click through, you’re actually whisked away to the bluechew site where you can buy a monthly subscription to pills that make your dick bigger but only in the sense that EVERYONE’S PENIS IS LARGER when erect. Gotta love scammer logic! Anyway, I poured an orange Fanta on my dick and waited 30 days.

PENIS LENGTH: A fantastic big 5.25 inches.

NOTES: Clicking through takes you to a site where a man named Thomas Weaver tries to sell you a subscription plan for Sildenafil gummies and a guide to jelqing at home. Anyway, I held a bottle of shampoo next to my dick.

PENIS LENGTH: A fantastic big dandruff-free 5.25 inches.

NOTES: Also a Sildenafil subscription service. Since the image clearly shows the person holding their dick with both hands, I had a trusted friend press some garlic onto my glans.

PENIS LENGTH: A fantastic big dandruff-free 5.25 inches that’s vampire-safe.

NOTES: Well that’s just jerking off, right? Okay. I can do that.

PENIS LENGTH: Who cares?! I feel fleetingly good and that’s what’s important.

NOTES: Oh wait, that’s how you jerk off? NOW you tell me! No wonder it didn’t work. Okay, I’m going to go tug real hard on just the edges of my foreskin and glans until I cum, then report back.

PENIS LENGTH: Zero inches? Negative? It retracted into my body and is whimpering fearfully like a whipped dog.

NOTES: Darn. Okay. If I’m being honest, I don’t really want to squeeze my testicles with my thumbs for a couple weeks, but anything for HOTDOG I suppose.

PENIS LENGTH: When I squeezed my balls my dick popped back out like one of those stress toys where the eyeballs bug out. Upon further inspection, 5.25 inches.

NOTES: Okay, that’s good to hear. I live in Oakland. Do those pills have anything to do with it?

PENIS LENGTH: Mine’s unchanged, but it’s not too late to get a call next month from some very excited Santa Rosan.

NOTES: Oh man, bad news for Santa Rosa guy! But at least now we can back away from dangerous pharmaceutical interventions and pivot back to something more natural. Anyway, I put painter’s tape around my cock where the Fanta used to be.

PENIS LENGTH: Much longer if you count the roll of tape hanging from the end, but I fear the metamorphosis is only temporary.

NOTES: No notes. Perfect. Placed some toothpaste next to my dick.

PENIS LENGTH: A minty fresh, dandruff-free fantastic big 5.25 inches.

NOTES: Okay, I’ll stop joshing around! I know they didn’t really mean to put the toothpaste next to your dick…so this time I actually applied store-bought toothpaste to the shaft of my penis every night while I slept, like a serious person.

PENIS LENGTH: Couldn’t sleep, too excited. Results inconclusive, but also self-whitening and cavity-resistant.

NOTES: I don’t see why doing it in the morning instead of when I sleep will make a difference, but just for the sake of thoroughness I went for it.

PENIS LENGTH: It worked! My penis grew +4.6 inches every morning for three weeks! Currently clocking in at a fairly sizable 101.85 inches or roughly eight and a half feet. Continuing…

NOTES: Also worked, although now my dick smells like fertilizer.

PENIS LENGTH: Only added another four and a half inches over 30 days, so toughing it out with a pitiful 106.35-inch dick over here.

NOTES: You’re the boss, chief!

PENIS LENGTH: 175.5 inches. Respectable to be sure. Also now my ass smells like apple vinegar, which helps distract from the fertilizer smell up top.

NOTES: Really? The dick too? I have to go back to the store for more vinegar now. Okay, whatever.

PENIS LENGTH: Well, the bottle exploded and plastic shrapnel went everywhere, but by tying a series of bedsheets together, marking them, then measuring that, I’ve pegged my final-form dick at somewhere around 300 inches even, or roughly 25 feet. Here it is removed from my body and placed next to a 25-foot sponge for comparison.

Now bring on the snakes! Just kidding, that would be insane. I am still a little unhappy with the girth though, since stretching my dick out to ten yards long has made it appear “slimmer” from certain angles. And when you’re looking for width, only one name comes to mind…REJUVALL.

Or at least it will from now on, after the horrible things Rejuvall has done to my 25-foot penis are seared into your memory forever. First, after a brief consultation and credit check, I was treated to the Rejuvall Affirmall PerMaXL P.E.T. ExoSurge procedure.

This involved liposuctioning my FUPA-fat and then cutting the tendon holding the top of my dick to my torso so it sort of “leans out” more. I also asked why, in their ad, they use arrows indicating “circumference” right under the word “width,” but the doctor just looked at me like this:

After that, it was a simple matter of harvesting some fat from my thigh to inject into the shaft for plumpness!

And then after THAT, it was an even simpler matter of breaking part of my pelvis, pulling the internal shaft of my dick forward, and implanting a physical barrier to prevent it from returning to its proper position so the bones knit with it outside instead of inside! Easy peasy, donezo!

…except of course for the three-phase penile stretching protocol, which also involves a penis pump strapped to your leg, but not the leg they took the fat from because that leg is basically useless now.

FINAL PENIS LENGTH RESULTS - Predominantly I regret what I have done.

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Eric Christian Berg, who anxiously scrolled all the way past each of the 85 dicks in this article to see if his name was at the bottom. It's my favorite bit!

You can read this article and every other one on the much better in every way 1900HOTDOG.COM