Fucking Day: The 1994 Fantastic Four Cartoon (Patreon)

The Fantastic Four has always been a tough comic to adapt into anything else. It's hard to say why. Maybe it's because they're a cool guy, a tough guy, a woman, and the smartest man on Earth, and you're nothing close to any of those things if you're saying, "I have an idea! A Fantastic Four movie!" But in 1994 Marvel tried something new to the genre– horniness. I'm not being hyperbolic or silly; I am about to show you the sluttiest goddamn cartoon.

Let's start from the beginning. Season 01, Episode 01 is about the Puppet Master, who looks like a mannequin for child predator clothes, and he controls people with little puppets. One of the first things we see in the show is him taking the Invisible Woman prisoner, and their note to the East Asia animators seems to have been, "Make sure there's a lot of sexual menace. Far more than you're thinking. At least double it."

Dr. Richards, please pull up Video 001-M on the Fantastic Leotard Monitor.

You're probably thinking, "Okay, that looks creepy, but it's a kid's cartoon from 32 years ago. How bad could it be? I'm sure he's only going to put her in an energy sphere or something. I declare the premise of this article to be an absurd exaggeration."

You untrusting fool. Dr. Richards, show these people the video of what Puppet Master did to your wife.

While she was asleep, Puppet Master dressed Sue Storm up in lingerie and whispered into her hair with his nipple-biting fish lips. "No. Come on, there's no way you're accurately representing this cartoon," you're definitely saying. "With context, the meaning of this will change." And you're right. I'm lying. Because that's not Invisible Woman.

Reed, pan left.

Invisible Woman is the one in chains. The other woman in the same underpants, the one he's softly petting, is his own stepdaughter. Puppet Master has decided they look exactly the same, so he's going to have his stepdaughter go undercover as Sue to destroy the Fantastic Four. I'm not here to talk about his stupid plan, though. I'm here to talk about the weird boners of the animators who drew it. Oh, she's blind, by the way. We haven't had a commercial break yet and we've seen the female lead in her underwear (twice, kind of), and the villain has molested his disabled stepdaughter. That's the depth of horniness we're dealing with.

Reed, jump to the next episode.

I don't think you have to be an expert in animation to know this sequence goes above and beyond any writer's expectations. It is a suspicious amount of effort. The script probably said, "JOHNNY STORM (20, naked) exits shower." You only draw a nude man strutting into camera, hot water still rushing through the canals of his chiseled muscles because you are the horniest animator in Taiwan. And let's take a closer look. Reed, zoom in on frame 0102-6289.

For the briefest of moments, someone went out of their way to draw the Human Torch's entire pelvis. And sure, they had the good judgment to not finish drawing his penis, but somebody wanted to show this smooth cartoon mound to us. Animators don't accidentally draw a towel not covering a man's crotch seven times. But back to what I was saying about this cartoon being unexplainably horny…

… The Thing comes in, picks Johnny up with his mighty rock hand, and stares silently, curiously up his towel. I can't begin to explain why. It's like they thought no one would notice this. And he didn't say anything like, "THEY CALL ME A MONSTER, BUT YOU'S GOT THE UNDERCARRIAGE OF A BOWLIN' BALL, FLAME BRAIN!" He only looked at it while Johnny squirmed. Speaking of squirming, Sue is still chained to a chair and thrashing around in Puppet Master's stepdaughter's panties.

Puppet Master is in the next room, having the fucking time of his life with his marionettes. His plan worked, by the way. The other members of the Fantastic Four mistook this guy's blind stepdaughter for their longtime friend, sister, or wife.

I admit there aren't a lot of non-pervert ways to draw a woman in a negligee getting her legs broken by a voodoo doll, but look at the dramatic lighting, the way she turns and presents herself… this scene is undeniably the work of inspired perverts.

Hey, no, slow down. What the fuck. Things are heating up too fast. We'd better skip to Episode 03 and hope it's less sexy. It's called… oh no, "Now Comes the Sub-Mariner." Damn it, Namor is the nudest, horniest guy in the Marvel universe. And if you think I didn't notice they said he was "now coming," you're crazy.

They meet Namor when he rips off a human skin to reveal so, so much underwater skin. Then he gently floats on his fluttery ankle wings to show how his briefs are of such tiny size they vanish completely at most angles. He's not here to conquer the surface world. He's here to fuck it. No, seriously. Here's how the Fantastic Four's fight with him goes:

For about 25 years, Invisible Woman was a hopeless idiot failure, and the cartoon pulls from a lot of that lore. So Sue misses with her invisible force field and puts it on The Thing. I don't know how. I didn't even know that was a potential problem, but it frees up Namor to stop the battle and sexily caress her. She's not not into it, and it's worth noting this is only the second villain they've faced and both of them have spent a lot of time running their fingers through Invisible Woman's hair. It's a horniness pace they will easily maintain for the full series.

Namor decides he wants her, and why not? Her looks are two in a million.

Later in the show she's walking along the beach and suddenly! Without warning! Now comes Namor! This is pretty horny, but I don't know you'd avoid it. If the script calls for a beautiful woman in a catsuit to get pulled into the sea by an ocean hunk, there aren't a ton of unsexy ways to do it. If this was Aquaman he would have found a way. Aquaman would have chased her into the water with crabs or commanded a jellyfish to grab her or something…

… wait no, Namor did that. And I can't explain why, but it still seems pretty sexy?

Look at the loving care put into each frame of that pelvic pumping. Again, they didn't have to do all this. In fact, I don't know where they found the time. There are too many characters in this show for them to draw sixty extra pictures of juicy ass. The script might call for them to draw Blastaar, Paste Pot Pete, and 7 different species of Mole Man monster in the same episode. At any moment they could get attacked by..

… the eager holes of The Wizard! Or get…

… their tits leered upon by The Impossible Man! "No! We were hired to do a job! We're staying here until we get it right!" said the dedicated animator and absent father starting from scratch on the Namor's Bulge character sheets.

"I need to get The Sub-Mariner's ass at fifteen different pitches and angles," said the man tasked with drawing a picture of Namor standing still. Speaking of butts, this happens later:

I'm not taking whatever this is out of any context. There is none. Johnny Storm was hovering around, getting ready to throw some fire, and he suddenly kicked up his legs and shook his taint at Namor. There was no way that was in the script, and there was no point in drawing it. This only happens if someone is working on a cartoon unsupervised and they get an uncontrollable urge to see the Human Torch's butthole. It would take Rob Liefeld 48 years to draw that, and these people threw it into their cartoon for no reason other than their love of taint.

This looks like Galactus commissioned a custom video from Reed's OnlyFans site. This is cosmic nipple clamps and foot stuff. In a different cartoon, you'd think this was footage taken from some super fight, but not here. Not from these horny freaks. Reed, let it play a few more seconds:

He wasn't kicking anyone! He was just holding his filthy, stretchy boot up to the camera for foot perverts! If that's you, I don't get it, but you're welcome!

To be fair, the show went in strange directions to find reasons for Reed to stretch. Like if Ben had to make a point, he might yank Reed's head across the room to look deep into his eyes. And when this happened, the hard-working animators made sure everyone knew how much this aroused Mr. Fantastic. Look at Reed's face in this clip. That's a face you make right before you passionately fuck a rock and nowhere else.

In this episode, Reed and Sue are practicing a dance routine and they only make it six steps into it before he stretches his leg into a penis and seals her in a flesh cocoon. Reed Richards fucks his wife the same way a squid dismantles a scallop, and kids growing up in the '90s got to watch it.

This is from the same episode. I keep saying how horny this show is, but in Season 01, Episode 07 "The Mask of Doom Part 1", they had to come up with things for the Fantastic Four to do during their down time and they came up with "Reed and Sue have octopus sex during cha cha practice" and "The Thing tries to suck his own dick."

In any other cartoon, this might look innocent. But in any other cartoon this little guy would have screamed, "This star paint will disrupt your invisibility, Earth monster!" Here, in Fantastic Four (1994), the guy says nothing. Here, he's just a masturbating robot walking up to Invisible Woman and throwing his semen.

"WOTTA REVOLTIN' DEVELOPMENT! A WHOLE, WHOLE BUNCH OF IT GOT IN MY MOUTH, STRETCH!"

I have no doubt in my mind this cartoon was the work of desperately horny maniacs with fetishes I won't ever know the names for. Which makes things like this, Reed forming his asshole into a boat and asking his friends to hop in, come across more lewd than they would in other places. If Plastic Man did this, I wouldn't give it a second thought.

Bad example, because Plastic Man is 1000% a pervert, but you get what I'm saying. This could merely be a man turning into a boat, and I might be seeing things that aren't there.

For instance, the animators might have given Annihilus luscious blowjob lips by accident. I'll reserve judgment until I've seen how he interfaces with his computer.

Right, okay. He penetrates it with his sex mouth. Perfectly innocent. Probably an accessibility issue. I imagine a lot of people in the Negative Zone have knife hands, so they had to make their devices work by stabbing them with your chomping throat boner.

"What should Thing and Alicia be watching in this scene?" asked one Fantastic Four writer.

"You think he'd show his blind girlfriend sumo wrestling?" suggested another.

"Yeah! And let's have their bare butts and feet come to life and fall onto Thing's face," suggested another.

"Way ahead of you," said all of the perverts, moistly.

This show is weird when it doesn't have to be weird, but there's no way to get around how naked Silver Surfer is. When Galactus gave Norrin Radd the power cosmic, he ripped off his clothes and penis and made him shiny. That's it, that's his whole costume. And this show made sure his buttocks were in every shot. You'd think after drawing their 20,000th bun, even the horniest animator would have considered it to be enough ass for a kid's cartoon, and yet it was always there. Sometimes it was just motionless in the foreground, presented to the viewer while everyone waited for Mr. Fantastic to jump into Dr. Doom's dick. Reed, roll the clip.

As promised.

And with these hunky buns, we're done with the first season. After reviewing it all, maybe Marvel noticed they had outsourced their animation to the butt-thirstiest animation studio in Taiwan, because in season two they switched to a place in the Philippines. I'm sure they'll keep things more appropriate for all audiences. I'm sure they won't put Invisible Woman in fetish gear by episode 4. Reed, I know you have this clip ready to go.

Making a member of the team a professional cock torturer was a bold choice for a Fantastic Four show. One thing about comic books is everyone sort of dresses like this, but nobody fucks. Which means sometimes it's hard to tell if a superhero is naked for agility or horny reasons. I don't know what exactly pushes an outfit from combat leotard into sex costume, but you know it when you see it, and I think we all see it here.

This is Malice, and there's a long story behind this character. See, Sue Storm was upset about a miscarriage and got turned into a BDSM monster called Malice by a guy named Psycho-Man. Never mind, I guess it wasn't that long. Which is good because Reed is already playing the next clip:

Of all the adventures Ben has had with Susan, I bet the one he thinks about the most is the time she choked him out from a leather fuck suit.

Nobody knew Malice's true identity yet, so Reed invented a beam that cross referenced her with all known hot lady bodies to match her with Sue. But he had to have known. Ten episodes ago we saw him snake his foot up her birth canal during foxtrot class. There's no way this freak didn't already know what his wife looked like in a gimp mask.

If you asked a million animators to draw "femdom forces own brother to fuck the floor," not all of them would, but of the ones who did, no one would do a better job than this. Great work, perverts.

Is this supposed to be thrilling? The whole fight against Malice feels like three men getting exactly what they paid for from a highly regarded dominatrix. I can't say it's for me, but if Dr. Reed Richards wants to get his balls turned inside out, good for him.

As a fan of the genre, I can assure you this superhero cartoon pays an unusual amount of attention to sultry poses and titty heaving. Hold on, I lost track of where I was. Let me go through my notes. Okay, good, I covered the titty heaving; all it says next is "HATE BUTTON." I'm not sure what I meant by that.

Oh, of course. It's when Malice hits the HATE button. How could I forget? The perfect happy ending.

Susan is back to normal, but Reed is so goddamn worked up from him and his friends getting their nuts stomped by Fetish Sue all afternoon that he charges her. "Wait wait wait don't change out of that yet," he coolly says while he sprints into her mouth at full speed. "SWEET AUNT PETUNIA!!! I'VE GOT NO GENITALS!!! NOWHERE TO PUT THIS SEXUAL AGGRESSION, STRETCH!!!" shouts The Thing as he bites down on Reed's arm for some reason? Like I explained, I don't know what a lot of this freaky shit is called. This is horny in directions there might not ever be names for.

Reed and Sue fuck again in the denouement. Invisibly, but still, right in the Fantasticar next to her brother and their rock buddy.

Next up they encounter Ego, The Living Planet, but nothing erotic happens.

Okay, maybe Ego pulls them into himself with gooey tentacles while he climaxes a couple times. I'd rather talk about Season 02 Episode 07 "When Calls Galactus."

The story opens with Human Torch meeting a fan who, for no reason, ignites. The Thing scolds him for lighting a woman on fire, with the tone of someone who's seen exactly that happen more than once. She's nude, of course. Her bursting into flame is the first thing that happens and her clothes are the first thing to burn. Which means the script for this episode of Fantastic Four got from "INT. CONCERT HALL - NIGHT" to "BURNING LADY (19, naked) stands around naked" in only two pages. If this happened in a porno any reasonable viewer would say, "Jesus, things are moving a little too fast for this puppeteer and his stepdaughter."

Reed Richards, the smartest man in the world, leaps into action by offering her his dinner jacket. Her barely legal, naked body burns clothes, Reed! It's literally the only thing we know she does!

Horny beyond reason, it occurred to the animators this girl could be more naked. So they have her fly so high into space that her fire goes out. A rookie flame-person mistake, but there are worse ways to die than very nude and twice as stupid, in space.

Johnny flies her back to where there's oxygen, and her tiny flame bikini dances around her private parts as if the animators knew they might one day get called before a Congressional committee and have to explain how her vulva's not technically out in this kid's show. And did they give her fire tube socks? These animators are such freaks that when they tried to tone down the sexuality their instinct was to cover 20% of her vagina and every last inch of her feet, her feeeet.

Where was I? Oh, right. The naked fire lady.

Reed creates her a special fireproof swimsuit, but it only gets in the way. She doesn't need a costume; she isn't using her abilities to fight crime. The only thing she uses her flame powers for is porking in the sky with The Human Torch. And not discreetly. They are in midtown, going to town on each other from the center of a fireworks show.

She takes a job later with Galactus, and you already know his taste in clothes. The first thing he does is destroy her swimsuit and make her fully nude again. "THE POWER COSMIC WILL NULLIFY YOUR GARMENTS AND SEAL YOUR HOLES, HERALD! ONLY THE SMOOTHEST MAY SEEK OUT SUSTENANCE FOR GALACTUS' HUNGER!"

Don't worry about The Human Torch's love life, though. He bounces back.

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: DeltaFoxTrot, who knows a thing or two about horny cartoons and generally pubic mound.

You can read this article and every other one on the much better in every way 1900HOTDOG.COM