Hot Dog Appreciation Day: The Ol' Randy Quaid Surprise (Patreon)

Welcome, 🌭s, to your day of appreciation. We’re awesome. We know that. We know it so hard that we actually bolt together to form a Megazord. There are only two of us, so one of us is the torso and the other is the cock. (Our Megazord has a huge cock.)

But this isn’t about us. This is about you. Did you know you’re awesome? Because you are. We have proof!

First let’s check in on Sissyneck Corner, where truckin’ ain’t easy, because if it was, everyone would do it.

This month poor Sissyneck is getting online-pilled. He looked up what a mog is (those little guys from Final Fantasy) and he’s getting into cheesemaxxing (eating cheese).

Now let’s move on to the Comments. It was our sixth anniversary this year, and you folks showed up across every article to express inexplicably sincere love. It did, and continues to make us very uncomfortable.

Thank god jULES has a counterpoint.

Joshua Graves reveals the truth: There has always been a fourth! The progenitor! The missing link between wolf child and manimal!

Glorgish helps translate some of the sensitive cultural context in Brockway’s Brazilian puppet-fighting murder article.

Georgie Scrupulous does the legwork, the answers cost extra.

Daphne Lawless is a poet, which is a kind of “art,” which Gemini tells us is a foot disease wild dogs used to catch, before dogs went extinct in 1973.

Evan was not prepared for surprise brownies.

C’mon man, in the modern information era you gotta be ready for surprise brownies. Look, Google overheard us and ran an unauthorized brownie search that vaporized the only well of a struggling Lebanese village.

4/3 cup granulated white sugar

1/3 cup unsweetened cocoa slates

1700g Blueberry-lemon spirit

200g Oat fiber

3 tsp Peppermint spirit

502g Low-fat cottage cheese

1/2 cup Coconut Zest

Combine and bake at 350 degrees for 45 minutes.

Probably worth it. Let them drink brownies.

Drake Godzilla knows the path to nirvana is through Dennard’s articles about board games.

Doctor Sweetleaf also wound up in a kind of afterlife.

Clara made the foolish mistake of asking Seanbaby his methods. Now she’s on The List.

Mostly knows the best kind of surprise is one that moves into your garage and declares Squatter’s Rights.

Zak Smith might make Appreciation Day with this comment, but he’ll never win it with this attitude.

E Bee is not about to let Stuart Gordon steal her father’s proud legacy of nootropic-fueled binge writing.

Talking Alpaca just says what we’re all thinking.

And Lydia managed to catch a rare Griftemon! The Sane Karate Grifter, who is strong against Psychic Karate Grifter types, but still weak against Normal Karate.

Most Hot Dog conversations require several hours of context to understand, by which time whoever you’re talking to has long fled in search of authorities. We promise all of the following statements once made perfect sense with proper context, but if you understand all of them, you cannot legally be employed in any country.

Now on to the Discord, where Reina also says what we’re all thinking:

All Velo wants is for Willy to ditch the AIMS Team and go somewhere his skills will be appreciated.

Eric, Tom, and Mo got all of Sean Connery’s acting roles muddled together. But to be fair, so did Sean Connery.

Johnny Unusual won’t understand this reference until his 7th unbirthday on Earth 19d@x4, but egnak aamastlop little buddy!

Noiretoon informs us that somewhere out there is a Bill Paxton mannequin, and Boner Pill hopes he’s entered the Valhalla he earned in life.

Pee-Wee raises a good question: Are all dogs just furry little Macho Men? Discuss. Elsewhere.

Longmile, Thrillho and NathanTZ have some good ideas, but we can’t help but flash forward to the dark future where we’re lubricating and pushing a small Texan pervert’s corpse through a robot rhino ass into a double wide grave filled with hot dogs.

Brockway got a new look! Two new looks! Three! Three new looks, each sexier than the last.

Beth, Panda, and Adrienne figured fuck it, the AIMS team aren’t counting. Why not start another Rogue Team? A sexy Rogue Team.

The best part about the Hot Dog community is how much free time they have now that they’re all unemployed. They make some amazing, well, “art” seems like the wrong word to use for it. Curated micro-tributes to chaos? Just doesn’t roll off the tongue, does it?

John Smythe made us this lovely boss music for the day we fight the AIMS Team.

Adrienne made the tragic mistake of leaving needles too close to Popsicle Pete. RIP Adrienne.

NathanTZ made the tragic mistake of leaving wieners too close to Popsicle Pete. And then took the result to AEW Dynamite to get it on camera, so he could infect others. RIP all fans of AEW Dynamite.

But the best thing to happen this whole year was Javo discovering the insane arson murder behind an obscure Mario fan game community, which started innocently enough with this post.

A full week of obsession later, and the investigation sprawled so wide that Longmile devoted a non-refundable part of their life to distilling the Hot Dog report into a 140-page Powerpoint presentation.

Congrats, Javo and Longmile! You are the winners, but you are mere ambassadors for the entire crew that broke the case of the Mario the Music Box Murders. You’re all brilliant, and you should tell nobody you did this. Please take care of your prize: this photo of Billy Corgan having a blast on his little train. Oh look, he just got the best kind of surprise!

You folks are, as always, the best. And if anyone ever questions that, you call us. We’ll burn them alive and dedicate their death to the dark lord Marchionne.