Nerding Day: There's No Place Like Springfield: The Interactive Adventure Game (Patreon)

Welcome to "There's No Place Like Springfield": The Interactive Adventure Game!

The goal of the game is to solve the mystery presented to you and survive COBRA's deadly traps! But be warned: you must also take care to earn Hero points by living up to the ideals of G.I. Joe. If you finish the game with negative Hero points, you'll be dishonorably discharged and end up living on a houseboat, passing the days getting drunk and singing STEELY DAN songs with your parrot.

>sweet

Maybe for a while. But you can only do DEACON BLUES while rum-drunk and lonely so many times before you crash your houseboat into a cruise ship on purpose.

Type "start" to begin playing.

>start

YOU are Hector A. Delgado, code name SHIPWRECK. YOU are a member of the elite covert special operations unit G.I. Joe. YOU and your parrot, Polly, have just arrived on a night mission to a small island along with your teammate, LADY JAYE in a high-tech SHARC submersible.

To the south is the SHARC. To the north is brush.

You have: wetsuit, beard, PowerBars, instant ramen.

Your current Hero point score is: 0.

>go south

You can't go back until you finish the mission, Joe!

>go north

You are in a dense jungle. A haggard old man who appears to have been attacked by several hundred fabric-eating moths emerges from the trees waving a machete at you!

"G.I.?" He asks.

>yes

Sorry, I don't understand "yes."

LADY JAYE helps the man up. His name is MULLANEY, the scientist you were assigned to rescue from COBRA.

LADY JAYE asks you, "Did you bring the rations?"

>make joke

"The doctor is going to need more than a candy bar and instant noodle soup," you quip inappropriately.

You have lost 1 Hero point.

Your current Hero point score is: -1.

LADY JAYE leads you to a small clearing where she starts a fire to heat up the doctor's instant noodle soup. He begins to explain why COBRA was after him.

"I invented a formula that weakens the bonds between hydrogen and oxygen!"

>feign comprehension

"I see. You've invented Smartwater. COBRA will make millions."

"No, you dumbass," MULLANEY replies. "The formula could turn a lake, a river, or even an ocean into a bomb!"

>scoff

"That's stupid," you say. "I think that's dumb."

"COBRA has the formula at Temple Alpha, their central headquarters! That is, all of it except one key ingredient, which I have safely locked in my mind!"

"Great. Let's get you back to the USS Flagg," LADY JAYE says.

Camp is cleared and you're ready to go. Exits are north, south, east, and west.

>go south

Before you can move, MULLANEY leaps towards you and smacks some kind of techno-doohickey into your forehead!

"I used this neural transceiver to imprint the complete formula into your brain!" MULLANEY explains. "To protect it from Cobra, I stored it in your subconscious. It will only be revealed when you hear the secret code word, which I will now tell LADY JAYE and also your parrot for some reason!"

>this sucks

Sorry, I don't understand "this." Try another command.

>go south

You are near the shore. COBRA Rattlers and Firebats soar overhead, raining down fire on your position!

>go south

You reach the SHARC. LADY JAYE takes off, because it's a submarine that can also fly.

>stupid

No it isn't. It's cool.

You reach the USS Flagg, but MAJOR BLUDD attacks with a squadron of Rattlers! LADY JAYE brings the damaged SHARC down next to the aircraft carrier.

>get out

Sorry, but the first rule of marine heroism is "women and scientists first."

You have lost 1 Hero point. Your current Hero point score is: -2.

LADY JAYE and MULLANEY climb to safety.

>get out

Before you can escape, MAJOR BLUDD hits your SHARC and the canopy slams shut! The flying submarine is filling with water and going down!

>hit glass

The glass doesn't budge! The SHARC is half-filled with water!

>hit glass

The glass doesn't budge! The SHARC is two thirds full of water! Also, your beard vanishes momentarily!

>beseech poseidon

You pray to Poseidon, Lord of the Seas. Poseidon notes your current Hero point score: -2.

"Hmm, not very heroic," Poseidon says.

Your prayer has failed! You are currently drowning!

>curse poseidon

Your curses are swallowed up by Poseidon's watery domain, which is currently filling your lungs!

You have drowned!

>fuck

Sorry, I don't understand "fuck."

You awaken in a hospital bed, attended by a kind-looking NURSE DEMMING.

>talk nurse

"What happened?" You ask. "Where am I?"

"Springfield Medical Center," the nurse replies.

"A hospital? Who won?"

"You lost! Your satellite dish fell off the roof and you took a nasty spill off that ladder. You gave us all a scare, especially your family."

"Uncle Al? He's here?"

"No, not Uncle Al."

Uncle Al is the only family you have. Who else could the nurse be referring to?

The nurse offers you a glass of milk.

>take milk

You get the milk.

You have: hospital gown, glass of milk.

"Your wife, Mr. Delgado."

The shock causes you to spill the glass! You lose glass of milk.

You have: hospital gown, empty glass.

A beautiful woman runs into the room, accompanied by a small girl. You recognize the woman as MARA, ex-Cobra agent who was turned into a fish person who could only live under the sea by one of their dastardly experiments. It didn't give her gross fish parts or anything though. She just turned blue. But she's not blue now, she's the normal color of a human woman. I mean, one of the many normal colors.

>freak out

"I've never seen her in my life," you exclaim, pointing at the girl, who is named ALTHEA. You leap out of bed, startling everyone!

You are in a small hospital room with some medical equipment and a full-length mirror.

Exits are to the west.

>look mirror

The reflection that stares back at you is not the face you have become accustomed to seeing in the mirror every morning. Something has changed. Your hair and beard are now the gray of a much older man.

>sit down

You take a seat as MARA explains what happened after the attack: "Six years ago, you escaped the SHARC at the last moment and swam to a desert island, where you constructed a primitive raft and sailed across the Pacific Ocean to Pearl Harbor!"

>doubt

No, that checks out. You could definitely do all that.

She continues: "You were given a hero's welcome and used the knowledge given to you by Dr. Mullaney to lead an assault on Temple Alpha, where you personally captured COBRA COMMANDER! Then they disbanded GI JOE because COBRA was over. Also they fixed my water thing. I live on land like a regular person now."

>recall merwife

You can't remember that!

DOC walks into the room and says that you should go home with your family. [Can you read this? Say "yes" if you can read this.]

>yes

Sorry, I don't understand "yes." [Finally! I've made contact! Ok, just keep playing for now. I'll be in touch again soon.]

You return to your home at 6 Village Drive. POLLY greets you.

>sit couch

As soon as you sit down, a car horn honks outside!

>exit house

SCARLET pulls into the driveway in a car with a crossbow hood ornament. MARA and ALTHEA get into the car.

>examine crossbow

It's SCARLET'S crossbow!

"It was your idea, Shipwreck! It's been there since DUKE and I bought the car three years ago."

SCARLET drives away with MARA and ALTHEA to go shopping.

>rest

You lay down on the couch, hoping that when you wake up, you will return to your familiar reality.

You are awakened by a gripping pain in your chest! You slide off the couch and collapse onto the floor.

>get up

You can't get up! Luckily, an AMBULANCE arrives and the paramedics collect you on a stretcher.

You are in an AMBULANCE, driving towards Springfield Hospital.

>struggle

It's no use! You can't move!

The AMBULANCE drives past the hospital and enters a car wash.

The AMBULANCE drives down a ramp and arrives at a door marked "Operating Theatre." DOC and the paramedics carry you into the room and deposit you on a table.

Suddenly, COBRA COMMANDER appears from the shadows, demanding to know what MULLANEY told you!

>struggle

The best you can do is say something that sounds like "Iaaoouuu!"

"Not going to talk, eh? Then kiss tomorrow goodbye!" COBRA COMMANDER shouts, firing his weapon directly into your face!

>scream

You awaken on the floor of your living room, screaming in terror! MARA rushes in to help you. ALTHEA tells you that dinner's ready.

[My name is Steve Gerber. You know Howard the Duck? That was me. I died some time ago, and I'm not sure how or why, but my immortal soul has been trapped in an adventure game based on an episode of a cartoon called G.I. Joe that I wrote in the '80s ever since. I think I can escape, but I need your help. You need to finish this game. Nobody's ever done it before because it doesn't make any goddamn sense. But I've been in here long enough that I know how it works.]

>this is weird but ok

Sorry, I still don't understand "this." [First thing's first. You gotta get those Hero points up. Try not to be such a hysterical asshole. You're supposed to be a nautical combat expert. For now, just look out the window.]

>look window

It's dark out. You must have been napping longer than you thought. You eat dinner with your family, then it's time to tuck ALTHEA into bed.

"Bless mommy and daddy and me and the PRESIDENT and STUPID, amen."

>ask stupid

"Who's STUPID?" You ask ALTHEA.

"My kitty cat dolly. Don't you remember anything, daddy?"

"Not much, kid."

>leave room

MARA offers you a cup of tea as you enter the living room. There is a PHOTO on the side table.

>look photo

It's a photo of your wedding.

"How come I can't remember this house, the kid? I don't even remember our wedding!" You wail, sanity unraveling.

"You'll remember, darling, soon enough. Get a good night's rest, then tomorrow you'll go to work."

>drink tea

Something's wrong with the tea. You holler and collapse onto the floor! As the darkness takes you, the sound of a siren echoes in the distance.

Everything is a blur, a memory of a memory. Again, the ambulance, the car wash, the secret tunnel, COBRA COMMANDER howling his demands in your face. DESTRO, BARONESS, TOMAX, and XAMOT are with him. They're threatening to destroy your family if you don't tell them MULLANEY'S secret.

>scream

You awaken, screaming, in bed with MARA. She tries to calm you down and you settle in for the night.

The next day, you head to your job at Marina Del Shipwreck. There are several boats present. You see your old Joe teammates, TORPEDO and DEEP SIX.

>talk torpedo

"Are you my partners in this business?" You ask.

"Last time I checked," Torpedo replies.

FLINT arrives escorting a MYSTERY WOMAN.

>whisper inappropriately

You whisper to FLINT, "she's even better looking than LADY JAYE."

FLINT punches you! You take no damage, but lose 1 Hero point. The MYSTERY WOMAN is Flint's fiancé and he's going to take his business elsewhere.

Your current Hero point score is: -3.

[Come on! If your Hero point score gets too low, the game ends immediately. Also, every time you lose a point it causes me excruciating agony. You ever get tortured by Marvel's legal department during an intellectual property dispute? No? Well, it's not as bad as that, but still.]

TORPEDO explains, "FLINT is still sensitive about LADY JAYE, ever since she was killed on the USS FLAGG."

>wander aimlessly

Shocked by the revelation that LADY JAYE is dead, you wander the streets without any particular direction in mind. But if LADY JAYE died and you were incapacitated, then how did GI JOE acquire the formula to destroy the COBRA base?

>look

You see a car wash. It is the car wash from your dreams, though not necessarily of your dreams. Your old JOE teammate and compulsive rhymer ROADBLOCK exits the car wash entrance, nearly hitting you.

>talk roadblock

You run over to ROADBLOCK'S car. "Sure was toasty," he says, before he begins melting into a pile of goo.

>freak out

You begin screaming like a crazy person about how your friend is melting. The employees of the car wash restrain you and call the police, then knock you unconscious.

You awaken in the Springfield jail. A GUARD approaches, offering you a TUNA SANDWICH.

>take tuna sandwich

I don't see tuna here.

>take sandwich

You thank the guard for considering your nutrition and take the plated sandwich.

>eat sandwich

You take a bite of the sandwich and immediately begin to lose consciousness!

As you fade into the dark once more, the floor opens up and unceremoniously dumps you into a second, dirtier prison cell.

You regain consciousness and find yourself in the company of FLINT, TORPEDO, and DEEP SIX. They taunt you regarding your total lack of understanding of the situation, then FLINT attacks!

>defend

You redirect FLINT's charge, tossing him against a wall. He begins to melt!

TORPEDO and DEEP SIX charge you one after the other! As you fight them off, they too meet a gelatinous fate!

>freak the fuck out

Sorry, I don't understand "freak the."

SCARLETT aims her CROSSBOW at you! She demands to know what MULLANEY told you! Also she calls you "plankton face," which is kind of mean.

>explain

You explain to SCARLETT that you don't remember the formula because the professor buried it deep beneath the foundations of your mind palace.

SCARLETT fires her crossbow at you!

>duck

I don't see duck here.

>dodge

You narrowly avoid SCARLETT'S crossbow bolt!

>struggle

You grapple with SCARLETT, but she makes like a horror microgenre from the 1980s and melts.

>embrace madness

You scream "SCARLETTTTT!" at the top of your lungs and bury your face in your hands. You are undone.

Before you can do anything else, the amorphous blobs which were your friends merge into one and envelop you as you wail ineffectually that you never meant to hurt them.

>struggle

You cannot escape the blob!

The blob ferries you through a secret door in the wall and rolls down a series of slides, making disgusting squelching noises.

You drop fifty feet and land in a sewer.

Finally, the blob shoots out of a sewer grate and deposits you on your front lawn.

>scream

You start hollering until MARA and ALTHEA rush out of the house. You plead with them to put you back in the hospital, making your daughter cry.

POLLY crows "swabbie's going to the funny farm!" before flying off somewhere. MARA calls DOC and they drive you back to the hospital.

Once she leaves, DOC wheels you into a large, open room.

NURSE DEMMING appears in a COBRA uniform and activates a strange machine.

Bright lights and shapes dance through the air, compelling you to answer DEMMING's questions with their bright shapiness.

>struggle

It's no use! The machine rips your biography from your mind, spilling it out your mouth regardless of your efforts to clench tight your traitorous word hole.

You tell DEMMING about joining the Navy at 16, traveling the world, and joining G.I. Joe. She asks what MULLANEY told you, but you insist that you don't know.

DEMMING turns the machine up to full power. Dimly, you think you perceive TOMAX and XAMOT melting DOC.

>struggle

You cannot escape the power of the lights and shapes, and also now ghost faces!

DEMMING leaps onto the table and demands that you tell her what you know! She's really getting up in your face. If you weren't a married man being tormented by face-ghosts, this might not be all that bad.

>plrsf

She doesn't know how to plrsf.

>plead

You insist, once more, that you can't reveal the information without a code word and say that only the now-deceased Lady Jaye knew what it was. Your pathetic admission in the face of hologram torture costs you 1 Hero point!

Your current Hero point score is: -4.

[Aiiiyeeeeeeeeee!]

DEMMING loses consciousness from overexposure to shapes, and you follow soon after.

When you wake, you are lying in a hospital bed. A disembodied, monotone voice is saying, "aeronautics," "aerostatics," "aerugo" "aerie."

>get up

You climb out of bed and go to the bathroom.

[Listen to me very carefully. Stick your head in the toilet.]

>what

[Just do it! Someone is on their way to you!]

>wash face

You splash water from the sink on your face. To your surprise, your beard returns to its original color!

[Well, that works too.]

>grunt incomprehensibly

You make a sound like "grmph, hrmph, umph" and remark, contra physical reality, that your hair is "black again."

You hear footsteps approaching the door.

>get in bed

The door opens, and a nurse arrives with your "evening glass of milk."

[Don't drink it. Just say you'll have it later.]

>improvise weapon

"Thanks," you say, adding "no thanks!" before leaping to your feet, manhandling the nurse, and forcing the milk down her throat. POLLY attacks you.

Suddenly, POLLY enters the room vocalizing "Yo Joe!" and bumps POLLY into the wall, then uses a device to melt her!

>huh

It's very simple. Your parrot attacked you, then your parrot flew into the room and attacked your parrot, which melted.

>use milk

"Have some more milk! It'll calm you down!" You scream, forcing the rest of the glass down her gurgling throat. She passes out, babbling that you won't get away.

>realize truth

Finally, all of the pieces come together. The fake gray hair, the melting imposters, the repeated trips to dreamland. You've been a prisoner of COBRA this whole time! They're literally The Prisoner-ing you! And that means that MARA is on their side! The realization makes your hair briefly turn black for reasons science can only guess at.

>make heroic resolution

You rush out of the room, swearing to discover the truth even if it kills you. You gain 1 Hero point!

Your current Hero point score is -3.

[Nice. For a minute there, you were objectively less heroic than Jim Shooter.]

You are outside the hospital. Nearby is the car wash.

>infiltrate car wash

"It says car wash, but I think it's more like a brainwash!" You announce to nobody in particular. Running inside, you can see a ramp leading down into the darkness. It's already closing.

>go ramp

You dive down the ramp, smashing your skull into the steel floor. But hey, your brain's been through worse today. What's one more head injury?

>tip toe

I can't do that to toe.

>sneak

Your attempts at stealth are immediately foiled when you trip an alarm as a result of your concussion-induced bumbling! The CRIMSON GUARDS are now in pursuit!

Exits are room, room, roooom, and milk.

>go room

You stumble concussedly into a room chosen at random, bowling over a scientist who seems to have been researching a weapon to destroy GI JOE's luscious, full heads of hair. Now he is the one who is bald. That'll teach COBRA!

Exits are door and up.

>go up

You climb a ladder, followed by POLLY. You are standing in a laboratory. A notebook sits on the counter.

>read notebook

The notebook is marked "Operation Hot Water." It's MULLANEY'S notes! If only you could remember the formula, you could blow up this whole place!

Suddenly, POLLY says, "Frogs in winter! Frogs in winter!" You immediately fall into a trance and repeat the ingredients of the formula for explosive water: dioxynitrotriphosphate, amoniahyrochoridefulmonate, potassiumtrigliceride and tholium isotope 385. You're pretty sure some, if not all of those are made up!

>make formula

You whip up a batch of a chemical compound that could easily end all life on earth. If you'd ever read Cat's Cradle, you might have some thoughts on this, but you're not really the "reading type."

Suddenly, COBRA COMMANDER, DESTRO, ZARTAN, and the DREADNOKS enter the room, demanding you hand over the formula!

[If you give it to them, it's game over, just like it was for me when I missed the deadline on Spectre and DC gave it to someone else. I was going to see the first day of shooting on the Howard movie! I tried to tell Huyck to put more duck breasts in, but he didn't listen.]

>throw away formula

You can't throw that.

>cull formula

It is located in the upper labia, but this is not the time for that.

>use formula on drain

You pour the formula down the drain and light a match, warning DESTRO that you'll blow the entire place sky high. However, DESTRO calls you a fool and says that the formula can only be triggered by an initial explosion.

>call bluff

You drop the match down the drain, sending the DREADNOKS diving for cover!

Nothing happens.

[Well hey, you tried.]

The DREADNOKS begin firing at you! DESTRO tells them to stop, but it's too late. A stray shot hits the pipes behind you and the entire island starts exploding like COBRA is fracking it. Fracking it hard.

You gain 1 Hero point.

Your current Hero point score is -2.

[You did it! But we're not out of the woods yet.]

>go up

You find your way up and out of the underground base. The island is on fire.

>go home

POLLY yells that the beach is in the other direction, but you sprint towards your "home," saying that you need to get ALTHEA and MARA to safety.

You gain 1 Hero point for going back for your pretend daughter and evil pretend wife!

Your current Hero point score is -1.

The building is ablaze, and you have to smash your way in through the front door. "Mara?!" You exclaim, hearing her voice call from the living room.

>go living room

ALTHEA and MARA are waiting for you. MARA is holding a rifle and ALTHEA is armed with a rocket launcher.

"Hi, daddy!" Althea taunts.

"Yes, darling, welcome home," Mara adds. "To stay."

>sputter

You mumble, "I… thought you loved me," evidently forgetting the events of the past several days.

"Daddy, you're a real drip," Althea says. Before you have time to wonder if that's supposed to be a play on your whole nautical thing, she raises the rocket launcher to fire! You're only saved by the timely intervention of POLLY, who bowls ALTHEA over, causing her shot to go wide.

MARA aims her rifle at you.

>plead

"Mara, don't!" You scream. But before MARA can finish you, POLLY melts her and ALTHEA the same way she did her double back at the base!

You watch the love of your life and the ersatz product of your passion dissolve into a stain on the floor.

>breakdown

"Synthoids… they… were synthoids!" You babble, the building — and your reality — actively collapsing around you. You have endured more than any man should ever be expected to. The trauma of this experience will surely linger with you for the rest of your life. You will find it difficult to trust even those closest to you. You will recoil from the embrace of any future lovers. You will never willingly enter a car wash again.

An explosion throws you out of the house. LADY JAYE and FLINT run up to you.

>attack clones

These are really your friends this time. This isn't like a Matrix within a Matrix situation. Probably.

[You're still negative. You need to take one last action that's even slightly heroic, ok? If you don't, I'm stuck here until some asshole YouTuber tries to spin this game as a "hidden gem" on their ailing channel.]

>gaze stoically

You turn away from your comrades, watching silently as the inferno devours the house.

"SHIPWRECK, what happened? Was there something important in that house?" LADY JAYE asks.

>conceal psychological devastation with quip

"Nah, nothing important," you say. "Just a dream or two."

You gain 1 Hero point for your dignified yet detached gesture!

Your Hero point score is now 0.

Congratulations! You have completed There's No Place Like Springfield: The Interactive Adventure Game!

Your final Hero point score is: 0.

[Hey, that's technically a win! I can finally move on. Thanks a lot, buddy. Before I go, quick question: how's Howard doing lately? I guess he's probably in all kinds of movies now, huh? Probably has his own massively-successful TV show written by the Clerks guy.]

>actually no

[Oh.]

[Thank god.]

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