Fucking Day: The Toots and Tom Incel Cat Super Quiz (Patreon)

This can't be right. This says you're about to play the Toots n' Tom Incel Cat Super Quiz.

Let me start over. Toots the Cat first appeared in the 1942 Tom and Jerry episode "Puss n' Toots." Here's a clip where we meet her and nothing else weird happens:

As you can see, Toots was a yellow kitten who loved everything Tom did. If he presented her with an empty napkin while he had a mouse stuffed up his asshole, she was like, "swoon!" That's not an exaggeration; I've already proven it (see above).

Six years later, Toots appeared in the comics like this:

In 1948, Toots was now cruel and white and her only loyalty was to money. She appeared monthly in the comics for exactly one year and was never seen again. If you remember her, no you don't. You're probably thinking of Toodles Galore. Here, let me pull up a very normal description of Toodles Galore from the Tom and Jerry Fandom.

So Toots and Toodles are easy to mi– hold on, what the fuck did that say?

Small, fat hands? I know this is a Tom and Jerry wiki, but that's too horny. If you search for "small, fat hands," Pornhub tells you you've masturbated too much. Small, fat hands is how a pervert would choose his method of execution. What were we doing? Oh, right! The quiz!

Question 1:

You're Tom, and you make every event into a scheme to have sex with Toots the Cat. Tonight's big costume ball is no exception. What's your plan?

A. Construct a sexy costume, one that accentuates the barbs on your cat penis meant to dislodge rival sperm. I shouldn't have Googled cat penis.

B. I know this is going to sound crazy, but elephant rampage.

C. All of the above, but with a touch of racism.

You were right! It was C! You rent an elephant and dress like a Sikh, but a sexy Sikh, so you're fully nude except for a turban.

Toots isn't here, so your incredible entrance is wasted. In a world where cats wear pants, you come in bare genitals first and immediately get your elephant drunk. Apparently you're not allowed to do one or more of these things, but you're sorry, you thought this was America. Elephant, let's fuck this place up.

You trash the entire party, steal a chandelier, and exit through a wall. It's the best. Nothing can stop you, you are the Elephant God. During your rampage you see Toots' boyfriend's car and flatten it with your drunk elephant. Maybe I should have mentioned this earlier– Toots, your love interest, is already in a semi-serious relationship with a cat named Bob. Oh, here they are now.

They laugh at you. You fool. You did all this for nothing. You're going to spend the rest of your life in prison, all so your crush and her boyfriend could laugh at you. You didn't even sit on the right car, you stupid asshole. Without any cat sex, what you've done is simply an act of terror.

Question 1b:

What do you do now?

A. Kill myself.

B. …

C. Yeah, kill myself.

You were right! You command the still very drunk elephant to sit on your head, The End.

Question 2:

This is a comic about a cat and a mouse locked in a neverending war. Why did they feel the need to add a love interest for the cat?

A. What am I looking at? Is this the right image for the question?

B. I don't like this at all. For too many reasons to list.

C. I forfeit. I forfeit the quiz.

You're right!

The thing about man is he is fallible. And in a moment of weakness, a man writing stories about a cat fighting a mouse will think, "let's introduce some sex stuff." What I'm showing you is what happens when someone tries that without any female cat characters.

You end up with two mice stripping for a group of cats dressed up as their favorite racisms, and they start a game of spin the bottle. I don't agree with it. In fact, I don't think they should have done this. I think my point is…

… men can't be left alone. Without women, things will eventually turn to blackface and mice in panties. Now if you'd be so kind as to stop distracting me, let's get back to the quiz.

Question 3:

Toots fucking hates you. She hates you so much. You are dull and stupid, and those are her exact words.

A. their ri ght!!

B. I should think about pursuing a healthier relationship.

C. Dull am I? She won't think I'm so dull when she sees my skin collection!

Oh shit, it was C. I hope you didn't get that one right. This is a universe where cats shop and have mayors. That tiger was probably a mailman or something. To Tom, this is the equivalent of murdering a buff South Asian man and hanging him on your wall. It'd be like telling your date, "Would a stupid man have… the corpse of Kumail Nanjiani!?"

A. This is so fucked.

B. Does this kind of thing happen a lot in this comic?

C. Characters violating the remains of their own kind, I mean.

Hey, no giving answers when there's no question. But yeah, the skins of sentient creatures are used as gags more often than you'd like. Here's one:

A. I don't think a sheep counts.

B. Yeah, this is a by-the-numbers wolf scheme.

C. Even when they talk, sheep are just clothes wrapped around food. No one has reverence for the remains of some shitty sheep.

Fine, okay, bad example. This was supposed to be a straightforward quiz thing, but since you insist, I'll keep the tangent going. Here's one of the times Jerry used a dead cat to trick Tom.

Happy? Is that good enough to get back to what I was doing? Or do I have to show what happens later where they electrocute Tom? Where they laugh at his screams of pain? Where they use this dead body to convince Tom he killed a baby cat?

A. Jesus Christ.

B. Sorry, I didn't realize Tom and Jerry was like this.

C. I don't care if some psychopath mice wear a dead cat around as a prank. I'm more of a dog guy. Oh no, did I set you up for another clip?

In this issue, Tom sewed Jerry inside a dog corpse, he's trapped there forever, The End. Now, is that enough necromancy for you? Can I get back to the cat sex?

A. Yeah, I'm good.

B. …

C. Go ahead. Sorry for interrupting.

Question 4:

You're Tom, and you're psyching yourself up to knock on Toots' door. Her boyfriend shoves past you, calls you a punk, and tells you you're too much of a coward to do shit about it… HA!

A. Holy crap, you were serious. Absolutely fuck this guy.

B. This is why they invented punching, for this terrible thing I'm about to do to this cat.

C. Why am I always the only naked one? Never mind, it's a problem for another time. Obviously, I punch the shit out of this guy.

You were right! BOMPF!

Toots opens the door and sees you, the friend-zoned nudist she despises, beating her lover. It doesn't go over well. You can't keep doing this, Tom. You're violent and stupid, but the thing Toots hates most about you is that you never learn.

Question 4b:

How do you recover from this?

A. Tell Toots to pick up whatever's left of this bitch so I can hit him again.

B. Nothing is over! Get up and fight, Bob!

C. With only murder in my heart, I beat the fucking ass off this fucker.

Wait a minute. That worked? You got the girl!? This doesn't make any sense, but there's the "END" right there. Still, you're at the mercy of cartoon laws, so by the next issue she will remember none of this and no longer be yours. I'm not sure this means anything, but here in this moment of sexual conquest, you are wearing the most clothes you will ever wear.

Question 5:

You realize it's been almost 36 hours since you stalked the cat you're meant to be with, hh, hh, meant to be with. What do you do?

A. Take off all my clothes and go to her house.

B. Charge her boyfriend's car and tell him he stole my girlfriend.

C. I mutter "those small, fat hands" between heavy breaths.

You seem to be losing it.

A. They're going to the beach.

Yeah, but I never asked you a question.

B. I know how to win her back. I go get my swimming trunks.

Stop, she doesn't want to be with you. And why would something naked put on shorts to swim?

C. I'm going to sneak up next to them and pretend to drown. I'm going to scream for help in a womanly voice.

What?

Question 5b:

What is this? How can this be your plan?

A. I wait at the bottom of the ocean for Bob to give up the search. It's simple, really. Women hate it when you let a woman die.

B. All I have to do now is bide my time.

C. …

Your plan doesn't work at all. Your tail gets trapped in an oyster and you beg Bob for your life. He's your most bitter rival, but he's your only hope. You beg him again, and again. He leaves you for dead. Your final thoughts are of his fertile seed making babies in the awful woman you follow around.

Wow, things really turned around! Through sheer virginity you drag yourself out of the ocean and find a pearl in the oyster that nearly claimed your life. Moments ago, Toots watched you fake an emergency to make her boyfriend think he let a woman drown. Then she saw you die, more pathetically than anyone would think possible. You are a dangerous criminal sex pest. But, meow, a dangerous criminal sex pest with one pearl.

So it's not exactly how you set out to ruin their relationship, but I think it worked. When a girl invites her wet stalker into her boyfriend's car so she can sleep with him for money, that's a couple about to have an argument. So congratulations! Unfortunately, it looks like you missed the almost explicit offer to turn that pearl into sex while your worst enemy watches. "No thanks! I'm going to buy a train!" you say instead, because nothing here makes any goddamn sense. The moral is, you thought you loved this woman, but you love a medium amount of money even more. Which is maybe for the best because this cat is a whore.

Now that we know this about Toots, let's move on with the quiz.

Question 6:

You inherit a large sum of money and run to tell Toots about it. She seems uninterested, and tells you material things aren't important.

A. I don't buy it.

B. There's no way.

C. Dude, she tried to fuck me during the worst moment of my, or anyone's life. For a possible cut of one unappraised pearl. She cares about this money.

Question 6b:

Give her a chance! She kisses you and tells you her affection is not about the money! She loves you for you!

A. No fucking way, no way, no way in hell.

B. I was covered in regurgitated ocean and she threw herself at me in front of her boyfriend for, at most, six hundred dollars. This whole act is bullshit.

C. Maybe she means it, you know? Maybe the way to win her love is to show her I don't care about money either! That's it! I give it all to charity!

Wrong! You tell Toots you gave all your money to a cat hospital and she is so furious she can't form words. She beats you with a water pitcher while Bob watches. That's right, her boyfriend was there. Destroying you is foreplay for them. They leave your broken body in the doorway of her house and go fuck at the lake, The End.

Despite everything, you're still struggling to understand where you stand with Toots. In your desperation, you ask her plainly what she thinks about you.

Question 7:

She tells you you are worthless and useless. What do you do?

A. I stammer and sputter, I could never have seen this coming.

B. Let her scream, let her ruin me, it only makes it hotter.

C. How can she call me useless? I almost know one magic trick! I should tell her this. In fact, I do. I cheerfully tell this mouthy tramp I almost know a magic trick!

Classic mistake. Never tell a woman who wants you to disappear that you almost know a magic trick. You're burnt, you dumb fuck. Now we need to come up with something to really impress her.

Question 7b:

You have any ideas?

A. We could skin another guy and hang him on the wall.

B. I think pretending to be a drowning woman didn't get its fair shot.

C. Let's hire a human man to lose a fist fight to us.

Okay, we'll try C. But I don't like how quickly this guy agreed to fix a fight with a cat. Let's keep an eye on him and look for other signs of sketchiness.

There are no good guys in this comic.

Alright, you put the plan in motion. You stage a violent overreaction outside of Toots' house where she can see you. Alright, here she comes. Let's see how it plays ou–

Damn it. I'm sorry, man, I thought that was going to work.

Is the shady grifter you hired going inside with her? To what end? Oh no, do human men have sex with cats in the Tom and Jerry universe?

A. Are you

B. asking

C. me!?

No, it was rhetorical. But yes, they do. I phrased it like a question, but I read this comic. The man in the hat very much tries to have sex with this cat. They are real, real loose with the laws of nature in Tom and Jerry, and you can tell because simply describing this comic sounds like a '90s standup routine. For instance, if Jerry Seinfeld was here he might say, "What's the deal with Tom and Jerry? His girlfriend has sex with human men? Cats can live to be twenty years old! That's far too old for sex with a human man!"

Question 8:

You call Toots on the phone and make her guess who you are. It does not go well.

Brutal. She's seeing at least eight other cats, maybe men, and there's a guy named Enoch higher on the list than you. Plus, when she hears it's you, she simply hangs up. You're not worth the breath needed to express her contempt. What do you do?

A. I'll show her!

B. This is the end!

C. She'll be sorry!

Can you be more specific?

A. No! I want her to look surprised when she's hanging on my wall of skins!!!

B. After everything I've done for her!!! That whooooore!!! I'm too angry to thiiiiiiiink!!!

C. Maybe I should break up. Yeah, I'm going to leave Toots. No, not merely Toots. I'm going to leave society. And when I come back in forty years, I'm going to fuck her daughter.

You're right! It was C: Leave Toots alone! Then she'll be sorry! But w-what was that second part you said? There's no way that's happening.

So you wake up 40 years later, and Toots has aged into some kind of ogre, tripling in size on every axis. She looks like she gives bikini waxes to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. She looks like a Charles Barkley cameo in Big Momma's House 3. All you can think to do is run.

Hold up, Toots calls you back to meet her daughter, Kitty, and despite you being a crazed and ancient man from a cave, Kitty is giving you intense bedroom eyes. In a disgusting, twisted way, your plan sort of worked! You arrange a date and call her the next day from your hovel.

Oh, that explains it. It was all a dream. Unfortunately, you got so enraged at the idea of the hypothetical daughter of the girl you're stalking forgetting your name that you woke yourself up correcting her. The End, that's the whole story from a comic author who definitely has a drawer in his refrigerator just for ladies' toe bones.

Question 9:

You're going crazy. You are going to the doctor because you are medically dying of horniness. How the hell are you going to get to first base with this cat!?

A. It's been awhile since we tried violence.

B. Hypnotize her, like a snake.

C. Yeah, it's definitely B.

Exactly right. While reading a magazine in the waiting room (you really were at the doctor to treat your medically dangerous celibacy) you see the smile on a snake and it occurs to you that you've never tried to seduce Toots with magic.

Oh, my. This trumpet salesman was not your first choice, but your hypnosis horn plan is off to a good start.

You sneak into Toots' backyard to discover the only music that seduces her is the horn of an expensive car. Which leads me to…

Question 9b:

I bet you feel pretty stupid now.

A. Yeah, why am I still buying things for schemes? Shouldn't I give my money directly to this whore cat?

B. You skipped right over that interaction with the music store clerk. Did I fuck that guy?

C. Can you do one where Tom is the one getting sexually harassed?

Yes to all three.

Question 10:

You have a great idea. You can't talk Toots into sleeping with you, but maybe someone else could!

A. Say no more. I put on a sheet, tell her I'm the Ghost of Not Sleeping With Tom, and hit her with a crowbar.

B. I get Toots a gift certificate to a fortune teller (after colluding with a wizard).

C. I buy a Cameo from her least favorite 90 Day Fiance star.

What the shit was that last one? Are you playing Cards Against Humanity with the other accountants?

A. No, it's another tangent. I'm referencing a Cameo you bought for your wife.

B. In 2025, you paid $35 to "Big Ed" from 90 Day Fiance to wish her a happy birthday.

C. You told him her main hobby was "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan.

Ha ha yeah, and he didn't have his mic hooked up, so he sent over a silent movie of him running around with stupid shit on his head. But other than that, he was a real pro. I read lips well enough to know he definitely mentioned "Hacksaw" Jim Dooogan.

My wife hated it, by the way! She would have hated it if it had gone to plan! I forgot where I was. Oh! You were trying to trick a cat into sex for the tenth time.

It was the fortune teller one. You pay a psychic five dollars to tell a woman named Toots to sleep with you…

… and like my wife's Cameo with Big Ed, things go wrong in really unappealing ways.

Toots gives the fortune teller coupon to her aunt Cattie who is volcanically ovulating. She hears there's a man out there willing to date her and her pelvic floor instantly starts gnashing. She is a dick-ripping juggernaut with no restraint, given license to fuck you inside out by the stars themselves.

You're not getting away, Tom. No help is coming. In fact, I think your struggles are only making it worse.

You cling to a staircase, but she rips it down. Your bones are next. She bellows beautiful poetry at you as you are pulled into the black hole of her lust. There is no part of you reflecting on whether you caused this, whether you deserve this; all you know is fear and agony.

In only seconds, Aunt Cattie fucks you to death. Like the most expensive item on the secret Wendy's menu, you're just a sack of vulva-pulverized meat. And your killer has no idea what she's done.

Look at you, Tom, you're a shattered sex doll for a fuck monster. And it was for nothing. You did all this to impress Toots and she couldn't care less. She can't identify your body. She sees your corpse and calls you an "it." Anyway, number eleven.

Question 11:

She's so tired of you. For fuck's sake, man. Have some self respect.

A. Never!

B. I really am the only naked one in this world, aren't I?

C. I admit I've lost track of things. But I know we can simply buy sex from this woman. Has it occurred to us to get a job yet?

Good idea, it was C. You get a job as a dog catcher, but not the kind of dogs like the guy you hooked up with at the music store. You capture dog dogs… unexplained normal animals in this world of talking ones, and it repulses Toots. And maybe she's right. In many ways, it's like you or me gathering up feral, baby-shaped rats.

What you're doing is a public good, but Toots will not hear it. Of all your crimes, caring for these mutant things is the one thing Toots will never forgive. One last question.

Question 12:

This one will require all your Toots knowledge, so think carefully. It's Toots' birthday and everything is riding on the present you get her. You have no money, and she thinks nothing of you. What do you do?

This one's hard, so here's a hint:

A. No. I forfeit again.

B. I hate this so much.

C. Fine. I'll say it. We give ourselves to her as a slave.

You're right! You put on a diaper and one of your many, many turbans and show up at her door. You don't say shit. She's already covered in expensive birthday gifts given to her by her boyfriend and all you do is stand there like an idiot and hand over a deed to your dignity.

In a testament to the pathetic reputation you've built for yourself, it only takes Toots moments to wrap her head around what you've done. She laughs at you. Bob walks in and sees the whole thing. You make no adjustments to the plan. No one will ever be less than you are right now.

It gets worse. Her boyfriend tells her to accept your gift. You work for Bob now.

You do chores for your crush's boyfriend, in a diaper. They each go out of their way to make it demeaning. Cuck is too small a word.

A. I can't live like this. One way or another, someone here is about to die.

B. Something inside me snaps.

C. Aiieeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!

Like an animal, you attack!

Bob's skull and Toots' best bowl shatter. For the first time in weeks, you feel something close to happiness.

A. Only one thing left to do.

B. Only one thing left to do.

C. Only one thing left to do.

Oh, fuck. Where are you going with this, Tom?

Oh my god.

A. hhuhhhh! hhuhhhh!!

B. hh! hh! hh! hh!

C. hhhuhhhhh!! hh! hh!! hhhuhhhh!

Wait, did you win? I think you won!

Special thanks to this comic being somehow fucking real.

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Nick Lovino. Nick has never sewn two mice into a dog's corpse as far as we know, but maybe it hasn't come up in conversation yet. Someone should ask him.

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